How do people handle 3+ kids without a nanny or family help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The families I know don’t do as much for their kids. Their kids wear worse clothing, go on fewer vacations, fewer activities, etc.

Sounds like better values. What are worse clothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older ones parent the younger ones, parents barely parent and are checked out, etc.

I don't think PP is talking about 10-12 kid families. Nobody's 5 year old is "parenting" their newborn sibling.

My kids were 4 and 3 when my newborn was born. The 4 year old was certainly not “parenting” the baby. And at no point since has the oldest parented the younger two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have very flexible work from home jobs, 2 kids, and a nanny. To have a third, we would need family help, including someone who can drop everything and be at our house within an hour or two on the days we are sick or our nanny calls out at the last minute.

I'm curious, as I'm sure many are-- how is this insurmountable with a nanny and two flexible jobs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have very flexible work from home jobs, 2 kids, and a nanny. To have a third, we would need family help, including someone who can drop everything and be at our house within an hour or two on the days we are sick or our nanny calls out at the last minute.

It doesn’t sound like your jobs are all that flexible if you would need immediate childcare for an illness.

My DH and I just stagger start/stop times and maybe take a couple hours of leave. Not to mention older kids can occupy themselves. You just need to make them soup, give medicine, and occasionally check on them. Otherwise they are fine to lay on the couch watching movies or napping. Needing backup care for sick days isn’t a longstanding issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My older two were almost 8 and 5 when my youngest was born. That was a huge help, especially having two in elementary school. They had a maturity level due to their age that made having three to be pretty easy. I think I would have had a much more difficult time if the older two were 4 and 2 when I had my third

I thought about this spacing as I want a third, but doesn’t the third baby become a drag on all the possible fun you could be having with a 8 and 5 year old? They can do so much and travel easily at that age, then all of a sudden we would have to cater to baby’s naps, sleep and schedule again and severely limit our ability to do stuff for 2+ years

I have a similar gap (older 2 were 5 and 7 when #3 was born). The first year the baby is able to nap on the go in the infant seat (crib naps are ideal, but sometimes it just has to happen on the go).

The toddler stage is the hardest but we did a lot of dividing (1 parent would take the older 2 to do things we couldn’t with a toddler). Or we’d get a sitter and the 4 of us would go do stuff without the youngest.

It did delay wanting to do certain travel like international trips. But when you really want another child putting off travel for a few more years isn’t the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lights out at 7 or 8pm for the kids. Lights out 9 pm for adults. Adults need 8 hours-9 of sleep at night. Kids need 10-12 hours at night.

Be strict on the schedule. It works. This is what my mom (parent of 4) taught me. She was right. And I only have 3.

This is hilarious. Yes I’ll tell my two teens to head to bed at 7.

What works at 7 months doesn’t work at 14.

I mean you could do that. You are the parent.

You could also put a teen to bed at 4 . I mean, you’re the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The families I know don’t do as much for their kids. Their kids wear worse clothing, go on fewer vacations, fewer activities, etc.

I have 3 and definitely is not the case for us. My kids get new clothes as needed (not excessive), we travel multiple times a year and spend the summer at our second house and each kid does at least one sport, church activity and Girl Scouts.

Dh and I both work full time and have no nanny or family help nearby.

If you have the money for travel and a second house, why on earth aren’t you utilizing paid help? That sounds crazy to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had three kids within 2 years (one set of twins). My husband and I have both worked full time throughout.

Our kids went to a wonderful daycare when they were little. SACC after school in elementary school and summer babysitters. Now they are teenagers and are great kids.

Key points that made it work:
1) Routine/schedule was key from infancy on.
2) My husband and I have both used more than half of our annual PTO over their lifetime on taking time off for sick kid or various appointments.
3) My husband is an equal partner in parenting. He doesn’t leave it all to me.

Daycare is paid help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The families I know don’t do as much for their kids. Their kids wear worse clothing, go on fewer vacations, fewer activities, etc.

Ah yes, Old Navy clothes, domestic vacations, and no horseback riding: a life not worth living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have very flexible work from home jobs, 2 kids, and a nanny. To have a third, we would need family help, including someone who can drop everything and be at our house within an hour or two on the days we are sick or our nanny calls out at the last minute.

I don’t understand why you would need any additional help. You already have a nanny!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older ones parent the younger ones, parents barely parent and are checked out, etc.

I don't think PP is talking about 10-12 kid families. Nobody's 5 year old is "parenting" their newborn sibling.

3 kid mom here. My oldest (12) definitely tries to parent my youngest (8). I constantly have to remind her that my 8 year old has 2 very capable parents and she doesn't get to boss her sister around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The families I know don’t do as much for their kids. Their kids wear worse clothing, go on fewer vacations, fewer activities, etc.

Ah yes, Old Navy clothes, domestic vacations, and no horseback riding: a life not worth living.

lol exactly - this is what dcum considers neglect. If your 8 year old isn’t wearing $200 aviator nation sweatshirts and doesnt have 6 elite activities a week, and hasn’t been to Italy before they lost their first tooth, you’re a negligent parent who has more kids than you can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The families I know don’t do as much for their kids. Their kids wear worse clothing, go on fewer vacations, fewer activities, etc.

Ah yes, Old Navy clothes, domestic vacations, and no horseback riding: a life not worth living.

lol exactly - this is what dcum considers neglect. If your 8 year old isn’t wearing $200 aviator nation sweatshirts and doesnt have 6 elite activities a week, and hasn’t been to Italy before they lost their first tooth, you’re a negligent parent who has more kids than you can afford.

Nice straw man. No one considers that neglect.

If you want to pretend that having more kids has ZERO impact on the kids then either your kids are very young or you are very wealthy. Here are things there are less of with each additional kid:

-parental time
-space
-money for childcare
-money for food
-money for college
-money for vacations
-money for activities, both kid based and family based

I am a parent of one and we already shop at Old Navy (or use hand me downs), most trips are via car and staying in budget hotels, and I took a side hustle so we can afford both ballet AND music lessons for her because I really wanted her to have that experience but it wasn't in budget.

If you can afford multiple kids without having to sacrifice on the fundamentals, good for you. But it's insulting to pretend like anyone can afford to have another kid or that anyone claims more kids are more expensive us thinking if Christmas in the Swiss Alps and dressage lessons. Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had three kids within 2 years (one set of twins). My husband and I have both worked full time throughout.

Our kids went to a wonderful daycare when they were little. SACC after school in elementary school and summer babysitters. Now they are teenagers and are great kids.

Key points that made it work:
1) Routine/schedule was key from infancy on.
2) My husband and I have both used more than half of our annual PTO over their lifetime on taking time off for sick kid or various appointments.
3) My husband is an equal partner in parenting. He doesn’t leave it all to me.

Daycare is paid help.

Absolutely daycare is paid help, but OP asked how you do it without a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Parent of 3 with only very occasional family help, and a spouse who travels most weeks. I love chaos, and I’m also very organized. I didn’t work until the youngest start in kindergarten, and kept my work hours 9-3. I don’t sign my kids up for a million activities, and limit them to 2 per season. Luckily my spouse is around most weekends to help with all the sports games and driving. Life definitely can feel chaotic and very busy at times, but I truly love it. I will say I thought it was way easier when kids were younger, older kids and managing schedules/needs is way more complicated.