How do people handle 3+ kids without a nanny or family help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older ones parent the younger ones, parents barely parent and are checked out, etc.

You have to stop telling yourself that just to make yourself feel better about having less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 ages 5, 2, and 6mo.

We both work full time and have no nanny or local family help. We have systems and that keeps the train moving.
1). Meal plan for the week and groceries on Sunday.
2). Laundry every day so it doesn’t pile up
3) large visible shared calendar for important work meetings (no days for a parent), kids appointments, etc.
4). I get up at 5am every day to get a jump start on getting things moving.

It’s a lot, but I wouldn’t have it any other way

Come back at me when they are 12, 9 and 8

DP, but why? You think she’s going to regret a kid?

Obviously she is the type of parent who can get up regularly at 5 am and has systems for keeping the house running. There’s no reason to think she won’t adapt as the kids get older.

[Anonymous]

I'm an RN, DH is a police officer. I worked days, he worked nights. No nanny, we did it ourselves. No WFH, no parttime. It's doable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older ones parent the younger ones, parents barely parent and are checked out, etc.

This isn’t even remotely true in my family or any other 3+ kid families I know.

My 10 year old DS has no interest in parenting his younger siblings (nor should he). He is expected to help with chores like folding laundry and emptying the dishwasher, but I certainly hope people are expecting their kids to chip in as part of the household regardless of family size.

And I actually think a lot of 3+ kid families (including mine) are very kid/family centric because we decided to have 3. We’ve made career, housing, and even car (minivan) choices around having 3. We’re embracing that this era of life is highly centered on youth sports and birthday parties. We coach sports teams and are room parents and volunteer with scout packs. Basically the opposite of checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older ones parent the younger ones, parents barely parent and are checked out, etc.

This isn’t even remotely true in my family or any other 3+ kid families I know.

My 10 year old DS has no interest in parenting his younger siblings (nor should he). He is expected to help with chores like folding laundry and emptying the dishwasher, but I certainly hope people are expecting their kids to chip in as part of the household regardless of family size.

And I actually think a lot of 3+ kid families (including mine) are very kid/family centric because we decided to have 3. We’ve made career, housing, and even car (minivan) choices around having 3. We’re embracing that this era of life is highly centered on youth sports and birthday parties. We coach sports teams and are room parents and volunteer with scout packs. Basically the opposite of checked out.

Weird...most parents I know with 3 or more kids are never the room parent, never volunteer for anything, and certainly don't coach. I do know one couple with 4 kids that does that, but one is a SAHP. More power to you, though!

[Anonymous]

We have 3 and a baby on the way. I’ve done SAHM and a flexible part-time since they were born. I don’t think with 4 you can have two big jobs. I agree with PP, our lives are very child-centric. Our lifestyle, schedule and jobs are determined by how our family runs best. So we live in an area with very good schools, big parks, a library and nature - not terribly cultured or metropolitan. We have rare nights out and do a lot together on weekends. It’s not for everyone, but it’s great for us!

[Anonymous]

Idk. I have 3 and having a nanny makes it very manageable. Not looking forward to coordinating camps and aftercare and all that once the kids are older

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older ones parent the younger ones, parents barely parent and are checked out, etc.

This isn’t even remotely true in my family or any other 3+ kid families I know.

My 10 year old DS has no interest in parenting his younger siblings (nor should he). He is expected to help with chores like folding laundry and emptying the dishwasher, but I certainly hope people are expecting their kids to chip in as part of the household regardless of family size.

And I actually think a lot of 3+ kid families (including mine) are very kid/family centric because we decided to have 3. We’ve made career, housing, and even car (minivan) choices around having 3. We’re embracing that this era of life is highly centered on youth sports and birthday parties. We coach sports teams and are room parents and volunteer with scout packs. Basically the opposite of checked out.

Weird...most parents I know with 3 or more kids are never the room parent, never volunteer for anything, and certainly don't coach. I do know one couple with 4 kids that does that, but one is a SAHP. More power to you, though!

I have 3 kids - 4, 8 and 9. I volunteer for everything I can at school. Have coached 2 of my kids teams.

I work full time (from home), and my DH works 60+ hours a week (hybrid). No nanny and no local family.

We make it work because my job is super flexible and family friendly. Been there for 15 years and have earned good will. Also mommy tracked so I definitely don’t make as much as I could but I need the flexibility.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t have a job. Now I have five.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older ones parent the younger ones, parents barely parent and are checked out, etc.

This is not the case at all in the 3-5 kid families I know. Dads are for the most part very involved. They divide and conquer. It gets really hard when all have sports.

[Anonymous]

No nanny or family help? What about daycare options? Of course, ages of the kids matter greatly. We have three kids. Younger ages, they were in daycare and we both worked full time. Elementary age, they are in school all day and aftercare at school. They did one sport every season. Luckily, they are close in age, same gender and like the same things so they always picked the same sport and would be on the team together. It really really was no different going from 2 to 3 for us

[Anonymous]

I have three with a 9 year age gap between oldest and youngest - and no my older kids didn’t parent the younger ones. We have two big jobs with daily commutes and always have. In fact the jobs only got bigger over the years. We had some limited flexibility that allowed us to have control over our start and end of the day making daycare drop off and pick up doable. We had no family help or nanny. We did have a house cleaner every other week starting around when the youngest was 8 or 9.

Organization and routine and good day care were totally key. Another big thing was working together cooperatively and not bean counting about who does what. We were so busy during the little kid years but always made sure to do fun family stuff together every weekend and take great trips.

We love/loved having a full and somewhat chaotic life. But its definitely not for everyone.
, especially if you’re not high energy and need a lot of personal time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an RN, DH is a police officer. I worked days, he worked nights. No nanny, we did it ourselves. No WFH, no parttime. It's doable.

The people I know with 3 kids don't have the money for help. They had them 3 years apart and dad would drop off older kids at school and mom would drop off the youngest. Mom would pick all 3 up on the way home. Dinner was mostly Crock Pot stuff and leftovers. Things might get a bit more complicated next year when the two oldest will be in different high schools and the youngest will be in his k-8 school.

[Anonymous]

That’s me! I am a litigator and DH is a teacher, so both have real jobs. DH can’t telework at all and has no flexibility (outside summers). Had three kids in five years and never had a nanny. My parents and in-laws still had their own jobs when we had kids y til the youngest turned six, so they weren’t really any help.

We just did it. One thing at a time. We were strict on schedules but allowed chaos within, and we only did swim lessons as an EC before age four. Wouldn’t change a thing. It really wasn’t that hard so it’s always surprising to me when people act like they don’t know a single one of us - I know plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try 4! Those moms are just built differently. I’m sure it’s hard, but IME they lean on others for ride a lot when the kids get older. There’s only so much one person can do.

Mom of 3 here. My experience is that families of 4 or more are wired differently. Either they let a lot of small things slide and are really chill, or they are very regimented from the get-go and really good at training their kids to be helpful and listen well and by the time kids are ~5 they are just easier. Or both.

Also studies show 3 is the most stressful because parents of 3 still try to act like parents of 1 or 2. By 4+ they do a lot less. Plus the kids start moving as a pack, so it's in a tiny way more like when humans were hunter-gatherers and the tribe relied on kids to just handle themselves.