How do people handle 3+ kids without a nanny or family help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 ages 5, 2, and 6mo.

We both work full time and have no nanny or local family help. We have systems and that keeps the train moving.
1). Meal plan for the week and groceries on Sunday.
2). Laundry every day so it doesn’t pile up
3) large visible shared calendar for important work meetings (no days for a parent), kids appointments, etc.
4). I get up at 5am every day to get a jump start on getting things moving.

It’s a lot, but I wouldn’t have it any other way

Come back at me when they are 12, 9 and 8

DP, but why? You think she’s going to regret a kid?

Obviously she is the type of parent who can get up regularly at 5 am and has systems for keeping the house running. There’s no reason to think she won’t adapt as the kids get older.

DP. I don't think the PP was suggesting that the first poster will regret having three kids. It's more an issue of the age of the kids and the element of certainty about how the "systems" keep things running smoothly. I had three kids in two years, little family help, and both parents worked. To be, the years before school started were a breeze compared to the elementary school and early middle school years. When your kids are younger and in daycare, it's so much easier to maintain the structure and routine to keep things running as smoothly as possible. Yes, there are challenges when the kids are sick, and it's a constant slog to get everything done, but overall, the year-round nature of daycare made things easier. In contrast, the school year adds a host of demands, from the school calendar, days off, the need for camps or other accommodations during breaks and the summer, etc. that make everything so much harder. If you add on any other issues, like a kid with ADHD or another health issue, your life without help is a precarious house of cards that could come tumbling down at any minute, or at least, that was my experience. I am guessing that's what the PP meant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 ages 5, 2, and 6mo.

We both work full time and have no nanny or local family help. We have systems and that keeps the train moving.
1). Meal plan for the week and groceries on Sunday.
2). Laundry every day so it doesn’t pile up
3) large visible shared calendar for important work meetings (no days for a parent), kids appointments, etc.
4). I get up at 5am every day to get a jump start on getting things moving.

It’s a lot, but I wouldn’t have it any other way

Come back at me when they are 12, 9 and 8

Mom of 12, 9, and almost 8 here so I count! Family is local but not able to help. Nanny is long gone and even when there was one all she did was watch the kids during my (part-time) working hours. None of the things a household manager type does.

1) Meal plan for the week and weekend groceries. Yes.
2) Laundry every day. Not every day, but regularly and the kids do their own now.
3) Large visible shared calendar. No. I keep track of everything on my phone and share important appointments with DH's calendar though. And yes, all 3 kids do sports and play instruments.
4) Get up at 5 am. Are you kidding me? My kids sleep these days and so do I. Good job to the first mom, though.

Things we do to make it work:

1) I work part-time and DH has a job that is about 45 hours a week most of the time with a few months of a little more. He can be home before 5 pm most days and WFH 2 days a week.
2) We both cook. He does a ton around the house.
3) We both manage kid activities. We split by activity.
4) Our house is a lot messier than we'd prefer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The older ones parent the younger ones, parents barely parent and are checked out, etc.

This was my family
My game with dolls/tv show that I was watching was interrupted because I had to get the baby to sleep.
Later my teenage years were spent being the family babysitter, same with every family holiday and extended weekends
Later in life I felt guilty for not having more patience
My parents never accepted no for an answer

[Anonymous]

Kids are logistically easier to manage as they get older (can toilet, bathe, dress, eat independently). We are able to do it because elder two are elementary age, DH is senior and exclusively WFH, and we get house cleaners every two weeks (thinking of increasing to once a week).

Although not the same as a nanny, we are adamant about getting a babysitter at least twice a month to go out on dates, have lunches together during the workdays, and sometimes bring a babysitter along on family outings for an extra set of hands. Staying connected and maintaining romance/love/affection are key because it IS a lot of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older ones parent the younger ones, parents barely parent and are checked out, etc.

This isn’t even remotely true in my family or any other 3+ kid families I know.

My 10 year old DS has no interest in parenting his younger siblings (nor should he). He is expected to help with chores like folding laundry and emptying the dishwasher, but I certainly hope people are expecting their kids to chip in as part of the household regardless of family size.

And I actually think a lot of 3+ kid families (including mine) are very kid/family centric because we decided to have 3. We’ve made career, housing, and even car (minivan) choices around having 3. We’re embracing that this era of life is highly centered on youth sports and birthday parties. We coach sports teams and are room parents and volunteer with scout packs. Basically the opposite of checked out.

Weird...most parents I know with 3 or more kids are never the room parent, never volunteer for anything, and certainly don't coach. I do know one couple with 4 kids that does that, but one is a SAHP. More power to you, though!

Where do you live? I’m in Arlington and so many 3+ kid families have very involved (honestly probably type A) parents. In some ways I think the ones who decide to have 3 or 4 here are the ones with the most disposable income and flexibility (e.g. a SAH or part time parent + a high earner or 2 parents with really flexible remote careers).

I think if you’re feeling overstretched time wise or financially you’re more likely to stop at 1 or 2. So it makes sense that these bigger families tend to be the parents with more bandwidth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 ages 5, 2, and 6mo.

We both work full time and have no nanny or local family help. We have systems and that keeps the train moving.
1). Meal plan for the week and groceries on Sunday.
2). Laundry every day so it doesn’t pile up
3) large visible shared calendar for important work meetings (no days for a parent), kids appointments, etc.
4). I get up at 5am every day to get a jump start on getting things moving.

It’s a lot, but I wouldn’t have it any other way

Come back at me when they are 12, 9 and 8

DP, but why? You think she’s going to regret a kid?

Obviously she is the type of parent who can get up regularly at 5 am and has systems for keeping the house running. There’s no reason to think she won’t adapt as the kids get older.

DP. I don't think the PP was suggesting that the first poster will regret having three kids. It's more an issue of the age of the kids and the element of certainty about how the "systems" keep things running smoothly. I had three kids in two years, little family help, and both parents worked. To be, the years before school started were a breeze compared to the elementary school and early middle school years. When your kids are younger and in daycare, it's so much easier to maintain the structure and routine to keep things running as smoothly as possible. Yes, there are challenges when the kids are sick, and it's a constant slog to get everything done, but overall, the year-round nature of daycare made things easier. In contrast, the school year adds a host of demands, from the school calendar, days off, the need for camps or other accommodations during breaks and the summer, etc. that make everything so much harder. If you add on any other issues, like a kid with ADHD or another health issue, your life without help is a precarious house of cards that could come tumbling down at any minute, or at least, that was my experience. I am guessing that's what the PP meant.

+100

I only have two in ES and comparatively daycare years were a breeze in terms of logistics.

Schools, have so many random days off. Not to mention mid-day expo type things that parents don't have to come to, but if you don't your kid will be depressed in the corned while all the other parents show up...

Throw a minor kid health issue and things are 100x more stressful and the amount of coordination needed has grown exponentially.

It's been these past years that I've realized that the American school system is really still setup with for families that have a stay at home parent (or a full-time nanny).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am like you, but I know people with three kids. I think they are just wired differently. The day to day chaos of kids really wears on me. Some people are less bothered by it. Some people enjoy it.

+1 They have a higher tolerance for chaos and roll with the punches. They also are extremely disciplined and keep things on a tight organized schedule or they are.very relaxed and have a lower standard for things.

Agree. Or they’re not actually doing well, they’re just putting it out there that they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had 2 kids two years apart and those early years were just survival mode. I had a third five years later and it was much easier since the older 2 were in school.

100% this. My older two were in preschool and K when #3 was born and it was a cake walk compared to the first 2 who are 21 months apart. We had no help, family or otherwise aside from an occasional babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Just like anything else, you just do it. We have 4 kids, and DH and I both work full time, regular jobs with almost no family help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 ages 5, 2, and 6mo.

We both work full time and have no nanny or local family help. We have systems and that keeps the train moving.
1). Meal plan for the week and groceries on Sunday.
2). Laundry every day so it doesn’t pile up
3) large visible shared calendar for important work meetings (no days for a parent), kids appointments, etc.
4). I get up at 5am every day to get a jump start on getting things moving.

It’s a lot, but I wouldn’t have it any other way

Come back at me when they are 12, 9 and 8

DP, but why? You think she’s going to regret a kid?

Obviously she is the type of parent who can get up regularly at 5 am and has systems for keeping the house running. There’s no reason to think she won’t adapt as the kids get older.

DP. I don't think the PP was suggesting that the first poster will regret having three kids. It's more an issue of the age of the kids and the element of certainty about how the "systems" keep things running smoothly. I had three kids in two years, little family help, and both parents worked. To be, the years before school started were a breeze compared to the elementary school and early middle school years. When your kids are younger and in daycare, it's so much easier to maintain the structure and routine to keep things running as smoothly as possible. Yes, there are challenges when the kids are sick, and it's a constant slog to get everything done, but overall, the year-round nature of daycare made things easier. In contrast, the school year adds a host of demands, from the school calendar, days off, the need for camps or other accommodations during breaks and the summer, etc. that make everything so much harder. If you add on any other issues, like a kid with ADHD or another health issue, your life without help is a precarious house of cards that could come tumbling down at any minute, or at least, that was my experience. I am guessing that's what the PP meant.

It’s interesting how we can all have such different takes on things (I mean this sincerely, not snarkily). I have 3 (2 in elementary and 1 in pre k, oldest is off to MS in a year). I think this is *so* much easier than managing baby/toddlers.

2/3 of my kids are actually old enough to be helpful (like can get themselves dressed, make their own snacks, make beds, etc.) and my job is totally remote and flexible enough that I can pop out to run a kid to an after school drop off activity and come back to work so we don’t even use aftercare. If a kid gets sick I can set them up with a movie and keep working. Also they don’t seem to get sick as often. And one does have ADHD but he’s finally old enough to have some introspection about it and receive treatment. If they get up early on the weekends they can entertain themselves and I don’t have to make coffee at 6 am and groggily play toy kitchen.

When they were really little they were just physically tiring, sick all the time, could not be reasoned with, and required constant monitoring.

I would 100% rather deal with coordinating carpools and camp registration and sports practices than go back to the daycare years (which were also crazy $$$).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 ages 5, 2, and 6mo.

We both work full time and have no nanny or local family help. We have systems and that keeps the train moving.
1). Meal plan for the week and groceries on Sunday.
2). Laundry every day so it doesn’t pile up
3) large visible shared calendar for important work meetings (no days for a parent), kids appointments, etc.
4). I get up at 5am every day to get a jump start on getting things moving.

It’s a lot, but I wouldn’t have it any other way

Come back at me when they are 12, 9 and 8

Why? At that age they are more independent. They will likely have activities but that can be managed by not having them in everything going. Pp of 3 young ones seems quite organized and might manage just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The older ones parent the younger ones, parents barely parent and are checked out, etc.

This isn’t even remotely true in my family or any other 3+ kid families I know.

My 10 year old DS has no interest in parenting his younger siblings (nor should he). He is expected to help with chores like folding laundry and emptying the dishwasher, but I certainly hope people are expecting their kids to chip in as part of the household regardless of family size.

And I actually think a lot of 3+ kid families (including mine) are very kid/family centric because we decided to have 3. We’ve made career, housing, and even car (minivan) choices around having 3. We’re embracing that this era of life is highly centered on youth sports and birthday parties. We coach sports teams and are room parents and volunteer with scout packs. Basically the opposite of checked out.

Weird...most parents I know with 3 or more kids are never the room parent, never volunteer for anything, and certainly don't coach. I do know one couple with 4 kids that does that, but one is a SAHP. More power to you, though!

Another 3 kid parent here. Been the room parent almost every year my kids have been in school for at least one of them (once two). DH has coached for years. Many room parents and coaches that I have run into over the course of all my volunteering at school and in the community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 ages 5, 2, and 6mo.

We both work full time and have no nanny or local family help. We have systems and that keeps the train moving.
1). Meal plan for the week and groceries on Sunday.
2). Laundry every day so it doesn’t pile up
3) large visible shared calendar for important work meetings (no days for a parent), kids appointments, etc.
4). I get up at 5am every day to get a jump start on getting things moving.

It’s a lot, but I wouldn’t have it any other way

Come back at me when they are 12, 9 and 8

Why? At that age they are more independent. They will likely have activities but that can be managed by not having them in everything going. Pp of 3 young ones seems quite organized and might manage just fine.

That person clearly has no kids that age.

My kids 8-14 were super easy. 14-17 was difficult only because they could not drive and I was picking them up at midnight on weekends and that's NOT my golden hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had 2 kids two years apart and those early years were just survival mode. I had a third five years later and it was much easier since the older 2 were in school.

+1 spacing is key. We have similar spacing with three boys.
I also work part time telework and dh is 50% telework. That saves us each a couple hours everyday commuting. We have a part time nanny and weekly cleaners but no local family help. We live further out and bought on one salary (500k house price) to make my part time working possible. Also had worked at my agency five years so was eligible to be considered for part time. My biggest worry is saving enough for college kids will need merit or in state. It’s exhausting but a lot of fun! We go out of the house a lot to pools and parks. Laundry and cooking food for everyone is never ending. Dh does his fair share.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused.

You are a SAHP with 2 and it's difficult without a nanny?

or

You work with 2 kids and no "nanny" or daycare?