How do people handle 3+ kids without a nanny or family help?

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids and have lots of help

A friend has 3 kids and both parents are in full time jobs and they have no in-home help. Their kids (2 in elementary, one in preschool) are at school from about 7:45 - 5:45 and only do school based clubs / activities. On weekends, they use the gym child care both days so the parents can workout and then have a lot of formal activities for the kids. The parents tag team a lot of who is working late and who is on point for pickup. I'm not judging how they do it - the kids are great, the family seems well connected, the parents don't seem too frazzled....just sharing to show that it is possible but that you can't have it all ways (doing this AND doing a lot of after school activities AND having relaxed evenings one everyone is home etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try 4! Those moms are just built differently. I’m sure it’s hard, but IME they lean on others for ride a lot when the kids get older. There’s only so much one person can do.

Mom of 3 here. My experience is that families of 4 or more are wired differently. Either they let a lot of small things slide and are really chill, or they are very regimented from the get-go and really good at training their kids to be helpful and listen well and by the time kids are ~5 they are just easier. Or both.

Also studies show 3 is the most stressful because parents of 3 still try to act like parents of 1 or 2. By 4+ they do a lot less. Plus the kids start moving as a pack, so it's in a tiny way more like when humans were hunter-gatherers and the tribe relied on kids to just handle themselves.

Mom of 5. I always wonder whether it’s the chill and/or organized parents who have a lot of kids because they can or that having a lot of kids forces you to become chill and/or organized. Probably both. I’ve definitely leveled up over the years! (One baby was by far the hardest part for me.)

No, they dump the kids on others calling it play dates or carpools when they don’t do their share. The rest of us agree as we feel sorry for the kids.

I am not doubting that this has been your experience, but it’s not universal. I’m a mom of four and I don’t set up a lot of play dates, because my kids are each other’s playmates. But, I have hosted many play dates at the request of other parents, for their convenience.

Same with carpool - I’ve asked 1x for another mom to drive DD to a birthday party that was 45 minutes away - and that mom was thrilled for her daughter to have a companion on the long drive to/from the party.

I think it depends on the parents and how much they have their ish together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 ages 5, 2, and 6mo.

We both work full time and have no nanny or local family help. We have systems and that keeps the train moving.
1). Meal plan for the week and groceries on Sunday.
2). Laundry every day so it doesn’t pile up
3) large visible shared calendar for important work meetings (no days for a parent), kids appointments, etc.
4). I get up at 5am every day to get a jump start on getting things moving.

It’s a lot, but I wouldn’t have it any other way

Come back at me when they are 12, 9 and 8

Frankly this lifestyle sounds terrible to me. I understand people are different, but that sound like misery to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 ages 5, 2, and 6mo.

We both work full time and have no nanny or local family help. We have systems and that keeps the train moving.
1). Meal plan for the week and groceries on Sunday.
2). Laundry every day so it doesn’t pile up
3) large visible shared calendar for important work meetings (no days for a parent), kids appointments, etc.
4). I get up at 5am every day to get a jump start on getting things moving.

It’s a lot, but I wouldn’t have it any other way

Come back at me when they are 12, 9 and 8

Frankly this lifestyle sounds terrible to me. I understand people are different, but that sound like misery to me.

DP. “Misery” seems a bit dramatic, no? PP does a load of laundry / day, meal preps, has a big fridge calendar and gets up at 5 AM. Not that different than most working parents, no? Maybe you are a teenager, in which case i agree it would sound like a terrible life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 ages 5, 2, and 6mo.

We both work full time and have no nanny or local family help. We have systems and that keeps the train moving.
1). Meal plan for the week and groceries on Sunday.
2). Laundry every day so it doesn’t pile up
3) large visible shared calendar for important work meetings (no days for a parent), kids appointments, etc.
4). I get up at 5am every day to get a jump start on getting things moving.

It’s a lot, but I wouldn’t have it any other way

Come back at me when they are 12, 9 and 8

Frankly this lifestyle sounds terrible to me. I understand people are different, but that sound like misery to me.

DP. “Misery” seems a bit dramatic, no? PP does a load of laundry / day, meal preps, has a big fridge calendar and gets up at 5 AM. Not that different than most working parents, no? Maybe you are a teenager, in which case i agree it would sound like a terrible life.

With a six month old I assume the mother was up several times the night before, and then chose to wake up at 5 am to get everything done that needs to happen to make the household function. Sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because we are six months into two and just don’t see how three is even remotely possible.

My mother had five of us with no help except a cleaning woman who came every two weeks. She was extremely well organized and all children had chores, including me as the youngest. Obviously, infants can do nothing but toddlers can be taught to put their toys away when they are finished playing.

[Anonymous]

Spacing is a huge factor. At six months into two I couldn’t imagine having a third. Things changed at 20+ months. The second became a lot less hazardous and much more manageable.
Kids grow up. My kids are each three years apart - I couldn’t handle a smaller age gap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we are six months into two and just don’t see how three is even remotely possible.

My mother had five of us with no help except a cleaning woman who came every two weeks. She was extremely well organized and all children had chores, including me as the youngest. Obviously, infants can do nothing but toddlers can be taught to put their toys away when they are finished playing.

A cleaning woman twice a month is a huge luxury.

Was she a single mom? If not it's extremely weird you don't mention your dad here. If they were divorced it's still weird you don't mention your dad.

When was this? Both my parents grew up in huge families of 6+ know and both had two working parents but their childhoods were very difficult different because it was the 1950s. Much of what was normal in the homes they grew up in is now illegal or would get your children taken away. Kids had pretty minimal adult supervision and if someone got hurt the child of would have been blamed, not the parents (even a toddler). Older kids absolutely helped raise younger kids but also none of kids had the kinds of school and activity commitments that are now considered normal. Even when they played a sport or were involved in an activity, if they said "I have to go home to make dinner for my siblings" or "my mom has the nightshift so I have to go help my dad, people would say "of course, see you next practice" or whatever.

Our society is now designed with the expectation of much more intensive parenting and everyone is busier and more committed. I could not recreate my parents' childhood for my kids if I tried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everybody expects Mom to do it all.

If Mom chose to have so many kids then Mom and Dad should split the work. If you can afford to hire help, do so. thelll Your family, however, was not consulted when you decided to have more children than you can handle and it is not their problem or responsibility to take care of YOUR children.

[Anonymous]

My older two were almost 8 and 5 when my youngest was born. That was a huge help, especially having two in elementary school. They had a maturity level due to their age that made having three to be pretty easy. I think I would have had a much more difficult time if the older two were 4 and 2 when I had my third

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we are six months into two and just don’t see how three is even remotely possible.

My mother had five of us with no help except a cleaning woman who came every two weeks. She was extremely well organized and all children had chores, including me as the youngest. Obviously, infants can do nothing but toddlers can be taught to put their toys away when they are finished playing.

A cleaning woman twice a month is a huge luxury.

Was she a single mom? If not it's extremely weird you don't mention your dad here. If they were divorced it's still weird you don't mention your dad.

When was this? Both my parents grew up in huge families of 6+ know and both had two working parents but their childhoods were very difficult different because it was the 1950s. Much of what was normal in the homes they grew up in is now illegal or would get your children taken away. Kids had pretty minimal adult supervision and if someone got hurt the child of would have been blamed, not the parents (even a toddler). Older kids absolutely helped raise younger kids but also none of kids had the kinds of school and activity commitments that are now considered normal. Even when they played a sport or were involved in an activity, if they said "I have to go home to make dinner for my siblings" or "my mom has the nightshift so I have to go help my dad, people would say "of course, see you next practice" or whatever.

Our society is now designed with the expectation of much more intensive parenting and everyone is busier and more committed. I could not recreate my parents' childhood for my kids if I tried.

She was married when she had the children but my father was career military and killed in Vietnam. I was four years old so I have a very few memories of him.

My mother was a superb parent because she showed us how to live a decent life. Not a single one of us turned out bad. All college graduates and she divided up my father's life insurance five ways for college and invested it for us. I started babysitting when I was 14 for $3.50/hour and also worked with my brother doing yard work. By the time I was 18 I had saved up enough to buy a 3 year old VW Bug.

She reared us to be contributing members of society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we are six months into two and just don’t see how three is even remotely possible.

My mother had five of us with no help except a cleaning woman who came every two weeks. She was extremely well organized and all children had chores, including me as the youngest. Obviously, infants can do nothing but toddlers can be taught to put their toys away when they are finished playing.

A cleaning woman twice a month is a huge luxury.

Was she a single mom? If not it's extremely weird you don't mention your dad here. If they were divorced it's still weird you don't mention your dad.

When was this? Both my parents grew up in huge families of 6+ know and both had two working parents but their childhoods were very difficult different because it was the 1950s. Much of what was normal in the homes they grew up in is now illegal or would get your children taken away. Kids had pretty minimal adult supervision and if someone got hurt the child of would have been blamed, not the parents (even a toddler). Older kids absolutely helped raise younger kids but also none of kids had the kinds of school and activity commitments that are now considered normal. Even when they played a sport or were involved in an activity, if they said "I have to go home to make dinner for my siblings" or "my mom has the nightshift so I have to go help my dad, people would say "of course, see you next practice" or whatever.

Our society is now designed with the expectation of much more intensive parenting and everyone is busier and more committed. I could not recreate my parents' childhood for my kids if I tried.

She was married when she had the children but my father was career military and killed in Vietnam. I was four years old so I have a very few memories of him.

My mother was a superb parent because she showed us how to live a decent life. Not a single one of us turned out bad. All college graduates and she divided up my father's life insurance five ways for college and invested it for us. I started babysitting when I was 14 for $3.50/hour and also worked with my brother doing yard work. By the time I was 18 I had saved up enough to buy a 3 year old VW Bug.

She reared us to be contributing members of society.

Your mom sounds like an amazing woman and I’m sorry for your father’s loss and sacrifice. PPs remark was obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we are six months into two and just don’t see how three is even remotely possible.

My mother had five of us with no help except a cleaning woman who came every two weeks. She was extremely well organized and all children had chores, including me as the youngest. Obviously, infants can do nothing but toddlers can be taught to put their toys away when they are finished playing.

A cleaning woman twice a month is a huge luxury.

Was she a single mom? If not it's extremely weird you don't mention your dad here. If they were divorced it's still weird you don't mention your dad.

When was this? Both my parents grew up in huge families of 6+ know and both had two working parents but their childhoods were very difficult different because it was the 1950s. Much of what was normal in the homes they grew up in is now illegal or would get your children taken away. Kids had pretty minimal adult supervision and if someone got hurt the child of would have been blamed, not the parents (even a toddler). Older kids absolutely helped raise younger kids but also none of kids had the kinds of school and activity commitments that are now considered normal. Even when they played a sport or were involved in an activity, if they said "I have to go home to make dinner for my siblings" or "my mom has the nightshift so I have to go help my dad, people would say "of course, see you next practice" or whatever.

Our society is now designed with the expectation of much more intensive parenting and everyone is busier and more committed. I could not recreate my parents' childhood for my kids if I tried.

She was married when she had the children but my father was career military and killed in Vietnam. I was four years old so I have a very few memories of him.

My mother was a superb parent because she showed us how to live a decent life. Not a single one of us turned out bad. All college graduates and she divided up my father's life insurance five ways for college and invested it for us. I started babysitting when I was 14 for $3.50/hour and also worked with my brother doing yard work. By the time I was 18 I had saved up enough to buy a 3 year old VW Bug.

She reared us to be contributing members of society.

Your mom sounds like an amazing woman and I’m sorry for your father’s loss and sacrifice. PPs remark was obnoxious.

I am sorry for PP's loss as well but it's not obnoxious to ask questions when someone asserts that their single parent raised 5 kids no problem with no help as though anyone can do it.

Also the question about when this all happened turned out to be spot on -- if PP's dad died in Vietnam they are talking about a childhood in the 60s or 70s. So yes -- a time with very different expectations for parents and children. I think this story would look a little different in 2024 which is the time we currently live in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we are six months into two and just don’t see how three is even remotely possible.

My mother had five of us with no help except a cleaning woman who came every two weeks. She was extremely well organized and all children had chores, including me as the youngest. Obviously, infants can do nothing but toddlers can be taught to put their toys away when they are finished playing.

A cleaning woman twice a month is a huge luxury.

Was she a single mom? If not it's extremely weird you don't mention your dad here. If they were divorced it's still weird you don't mention your dad.

When was this? Both my parents grew up in huge families of 6+ know and both had two working parents but their childhoods were very difficult different because it was the 1950s. Much of what was normal in the homes they grew up in is now illegal or would get your children taken away. Kids had pretty minimal adult supervision and if someone got hurt the child of would have been blamed, not the parents (even a toddler). Older kids absolutely helped raise younger kids but also none of kids had the kinds of school and activity commitments that are now considered normal. Even when they played a sport or were involved in an activity, if they said "I have to go home to make dinner for my siblings" or "my mom has the nightshift so I have to go help my dad, people would say "of course, see you next practice" or whatever.

Our society is now designed with the expectation of much more intensive parenting and everyone is busier and more committed. I could not recreate my parents' childhood for my kids if I tried.

She was married when she had the children but my father was career military and killed in Vietnam. I was four years old so I have a very few memories of him.

My mother was a superb parent because she showed us how to live a decent life. Not a single one of us turned out bad. All college graduates and she divided up my father's life insurance five ways for college and invested it for us. I started babysitting when I was 14 for $3.50/hour and also worked with my brother doing yard work. By the time I was 18 I had saved up enough to buy a 3 year old VW Bug.

She reared us to be contributing members of society.

Your mom sounds like an amazing woman and I’m sorry for your father’s loss and sacrifice. PPs remark was obnoxious.

I am sorry for PP's loss as well but it's not obnoxious to ask questions when someone asserts that their single parent raised 5 kids no problem with no help as though anyone can do it.

Also the question about when this all happened turned out to be spot on -- if PP's dad died in Vietnam they are talking about a childhood in the 60s or 70s. So yes -- a time with very different expectations for parents and children. I think this story would look a little different in 2024 which is the time we currently live in.

Np. I’m not sure modern parenting expectations are creating healthier happier kids though. Lots of research seems to indicate the opposite in fact.

https://www.webmd.com/parenting/what-to-know-about-helicopter-parenting#:~:text=Some%20research%20has%20suggested%20that,do%20things%20on%20their%20own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because we are six months into two and just don’t see how three is even remotely possible.

My mother had five of us with no help except a cleaning woman who came every two weeks. She was extremely well organized and all children had chores, including me as the youngest. Obviously, infants can do nothing but toddlers can be taught to put their toys away when they are finished playing.

A cleaning woman twice a month is a huge luxury.

Was she a single mom? If not it's extremely weird you don't mention your dad here. If they were divorced it's still weird you don't mention your dad.

When was this? Both my parents grew up in huge families of 6+ know and both had two working parents but their childhoods were very difficult different because it was the 1950s. Much of what was normal in the homes they grew up in is now illegal or would get your children taken away. Kids had pretty minimal adult supervision and if someone got hurt the child of would have been blamed, not the parents (even a toddler). Older kids absolutely helped raise younger kids but also none of kids had the kinds of school and activity commitments that are now considered normal. Even when they played a sport or were involved in an activity, if they said "I have to go home to make dinner for my siblings" or "my mom has the nightshift so I have to go help my dad, people would say "of course, see you next practice" or whatever.

Our society is now designed with the expectation of much more intensive parenting and everyone is busier and more committed. I could not recreate my parents' childhood for my kids if I tried.

She was married when she had the children but my father was career military and killed in Vietnam. I was four years old so I have a very few memories of him.

My mother was a superb parent because she showed us how to live a decent life. Not a single one of us turned out bad. All college graduates and she divided up my father's life insurance five ways for college and invested it for us. I started babysitting when I was 14 for $3.50/hour and also worked with my brother doing yard work. By the time I was 18 I had saved up enough to buy a 3 year old VW Bug.

She reared us to be contributing members of society.

Your mom sounds like an amazing woman and I’m sorry for your father’s loss and sacrifice. PPs remark was obnoxious.

I am sorry for PP's loss as well but it's not obnoxious to ask questions when someone asserts that their single parent raised 5 kids no problem with no help as though anyone can do it.

Also the question about when this all happened turned out to be spot on -- if PP's dad died in Vietnam they are talking about a childhood in the 60s or 70s. So yes -- a time with very different expectations for parents and children. I think this story would look a little different in 2024 which is the time we currently live in.

If anything, it was a lot harder to be a single parent then than it is in present day. A lot harder.