I do not know how to handle adult son’s dramatic change

[Anonymous]

I like the troll in conTroll

[Anonymous]

Don't insist on him moving back home. Not something young working people look forward to.

[Anonymous]

Son is an insecure people pleaser who was dysfunctionally attached to his mother.

He’s now transferred that to his GF. It’s what feels like love to him.

He may grow out of it, may not. But if so it may not be until he reaches a breaking point, maybe decades from now.

I think all you can do at this point is be kind, encouraging, try to build him up and gently rekindle enthusiasm for him doing his own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He'll be home in two months for few years.

Yes that’s your plan. We hear it loud and clear.

Bingo

Sonny boy is realizing he’s 22 yo and doesn’t want Mom’s Rules, ruling him for “a few more years.”

And who wastes their senior year spring break, job in hand in terrible hiring market, sitting at Mommy’s House?!?

A troll or Sonny boy.

+1

Troll or controlling Mom. He’s an adult now, and a supposedly successful one. Let him fly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He'll be home in two months for few years.

Barf

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are going to go through a big change when he graduates in spring. Is he looking for jobs, planning his career / what happens when he graduates? Planning to move back home or move in with her?

I would worry but make sure you keep the dialogue open. Be happy whenever he does spend time with you & get the message across that you are always here for him - do not set up a dynamic of “it’s her or me”, as he will obviously cut you off (just when he may need your support the most).

He plans to move back home for a year or two to save money. I keep the dialogue open and express my unconditional love for everything he does. I am always happy to see him, even if it means spending just an hour or two with me during a week-long visit. That is better than not seeing him at all. I also ensure that all my kids understand that, even when I do not agree with their decisions, I will always have their back.

Is this “move back home” thing you have for your kids cultural?

Why do you ask? Have you not read about the new trend of young adults moving back home to save money for their starter home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isolating someone from their friends/family is a classic move by abusers. I would call the DV hotline and brainstorm things you could do -- they are the experts.

OP here. I do not think she is abusive. She has come to our place twice and she seems a bit passive aggressive and detached. She does not seem open to much conversation. She does not like much of what we eat and hence even when they are home they have most meals on their own. When they are home they are in his room with door closed. My son feel compelled to be in the room instead of hanging around family because "she is alone".

What kinds of food do your eat at home?

We eat all kinds of cuisines that are flavorful and nutritious. Our meals vary between home cooked and restaurants food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying they are now engaged? Has he graduated from him college?

No they are not engaged. When I said "he proposed" meant to say he proposed to be steady BF/GF. He would graduate in may and will join a job in DMV area. She would work in NY area.

Are you claiming they are both at the same Ivy League college, and she has a NYC job all lined up and he has a DC area job already lined up?

He could be depressed about all sorts of things.

I am not claiming anything - the fact is they both are in Ivy League college. My son has accepted a job in DMV area. His girlfriend has plan to apply to higher studies after a gap year and she plans to work in NYC. I think she is still looking for a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are his plans after he graduates? Is there a job or grad school aligned for him or her? She is on financial aid so probably no debt, what about your son? Is he concerned about future?

I mentioned this upthread - after graduation he plans to start a job in DMV area. He plans to move back home to save money before going for higher studies. She plans to work in NY area before pursuing higher studies.

What “higher studies@?

Are you British or from a commonwealth?

Why do you ask these questions? I am not sure why my cultural background relevant to this discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He'll be home in two months for few years.

Yes that’s your plan. We hear it loud and clear.

Who are you referring to? I am the OP and I did not write the statement you have quoted. That was from DP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't insist on him moving back home. Not something young working people look forward to.

I did not insist on moving back home. He did the calculations and decided he can tons of money if he moves back home. He wants to buy a swanky car instead and commute to work.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I came to this forum to read other thread and noticed my thread had many updates. When I read I found there are too many unkind and judgemental posts.

i would not respond to unkind posts. If you think I am troll or a controlling mothe it is your problem and not mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are going to go through a big change when he graduates in spring. Is he looking for jobs, planning his career / what happens when he graduates? Planning to move back home or move in with her?

I would worry but make sure you keep the dialogue open. Be happy whenever he does spend time with you & get the message across that you are always here for him - do not set up a dynamic of “it’s her or me”, as he will obviously cut you off (just when he may need your support the most).

He plans to move back home for a year or two to save money. I keep the dialogue open and express my unconditional love for everything he does. I am always happy to see him, even if it means spending just an hour or two with me during a week-long visit. That is better than not seeing him at all. I also ensure that all my kids understand that, even when I do not agree with their decisions, I will always have their back.

Is this “move back home” thing you have for your kids cultural?

Why do you ask? Have you not read about the new trend of young adults moving back home to save money for their starter home?

So it is cultural as yyou didn't deny it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't insist on him moving back home. Not something young working people look forward to.

I did not insist on moving back home. He did the calculations and decided he can tons of money if he moves back home. He wants to buy a swanky car instead and commute to work.

Sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I came to this forum to read other thread and noticed my thread had many updates. When I read I found there are too many unkind and judgemental posts.

i would not respond to unkind posts. If you think I am troll or a controlling mothe it is your problem and not mine.

No controlling parent thinks of it as a problem. No one is trying to be unkind to you, most are only trying to state the obvious you can't see because you aren't standing at a distance and objectively accessing the situation.