I do not know how to handle adult son’s dramatic change

[Anonymous]

Any how problems in your original post doesn't require you to worry anymore because in two months, he'll be home in his childhood bedroom, no college life issues and no girlfriend issues. Everything would be back to normal and y'all can happily cook gourmet meals and watch late night television.

[Anonymous]

NP. I only read the first page but honestly it seems like OP you need to realize your son grew up. It’s not normal for an adult to hang around your house talking to you for all his free time hours and vacation time. And clearly you are disrespectful to the “girlfriend”. To start with, it sounds like they have plans to marry so she’s more than a girlfriend. Showing your son and his fiancé proper respect and understanding that they are adults who have their own lives that have little in common with you is what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

This^. No one is doubting good intentions and love OP has for her kid but that's not helpful for where he is in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isolating someone from their friends/family is a classic move by abusers. I would call the DV hotline and brainstorm things you could do -- they are the experts.

OP here. I do not think she is abusive. She has come to our place twice and she seems a bit passive aggressive and detached. She does not seem open to much conversation. She does not like much of what we eat and hence even when they are home they have most meals on their own. When they are home they are in his room with door closed. My son feel compelled to be in the room instead of hanging around family because "she is alone".

What kinds of food do your eat at home?

We eat all kinds of cuisines that are flavorful and nutritious. Our meals vary between home cooked and restaurants food.

A non answer if I ever saw one! What are some of the things she doesn’t eat at your house and some examples of what they eat instead?

Honestly you sound so judgmental. So what if she doesn’t like your food? He’s not going to leave her to figure out her own meals by herself so would you rather he doesn’t stay with you at all?

[Anonymous]

And I sure hope you don’t refer to her as “this girl” multiple times with your family the way you did in your OP!!

[Anonymous]

OP, no soon to be 22 year old gainfully employed Ivy graduate with an Ivy fiancee going to NY wants to move back into his childhood bedroom and commute to work to save money for a starter home and a swanky car.

That's something for people with more debt than options.

[Anonymous]

They'll get their swanky cars and starter home in due time, you don't need to worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what are his plans after he graduates? Is there a job or grad school aligned for him or her? She is on financial aid so probably no debt, what about your son? Is he concerned about future?

I mentioned this upthread - after graduation he plans to start a job in DMV area. He plans to move back home to save money before going for higher studies. She plans to work in NY area before pursuing higher studies.

What “higher studies@?

Are you British or from a commonwealth?

Why do you ask these questions? I am not sure why my cultural background relevant to this discussion.

It’s relevant Op.
As is the question on where’s the father on all this.

The fact that you refuse to answer those two asked questions is very telling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I came to this forum to read other thread and noticed my thread had many updates. When I read I found there are too many unkind and judgemental posts.

i would not respond to unkind posts. If you think I am troll or a controlling mothe it is your problem and not mine.

It’s your son’s problem. Only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are going to go through a big change when he graduates in spring. Is he looking for jobs, planning his career / what happens when he graduates? Planning to move back home or move in with her?

I would worry but make sure you keep the dialogue open. Be happy whenever he does spend time with you & get the message across that you are always here for him - do not set up a dynamic of “it’s her or me”, as he will obviously cut you off (just when he may need your support the most).

He plans to move back home for a year or two to save money. I keep the dialogue open and express my unconditional love for everything he does. I am always happy to see him, even if it means spending just an hour or two with me during a week-long visit. That is better than not seeing him at all. I also ensure that all my kids understand that, even when I do not agree with their decisions, I will always have their back.

Is this “move back home” thing you have for your kids cultural?

Why do you ask? Have you not read about the new trend of young adults moving back home to save money for their starter home?

Psa: dont “answer” a question with a litany of deflective questions.

You look like a troll, liar and lunatic all at once.

Waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are going to go through a big change when he graduates in spring. Is he looking for jobs, planning his career / what happens when he graduates? Planning to move back home or move in with her?

I would worry but make sure you keep the dialogue open. Be happy whenever he does spend time with you & get the message across that you are always here for him - do not set up a dynamic of “it’s her or me”, as he will obviously cut you off (just when he may need your support the most).

He plans to move back home for a year or two to save money. I keep the dialogue open and express my unconditional love for everything he does. I am always happy to see him, even if it means spending just an hour or two with me during a week-long visit. That is better than not seeing him at all. I also ensure that all my kids understand that, even when I do not agree with their decisions, I will always have their back.

Is this “move back home” thing you have for your kids cultural?

Why do you ask? Have you not read about the new trend of young adults moving back home to save money for their starter home?

No. 20s are for taking the best and hardest job you can earn, and learning as much as possible, then leveraging that into the next job or city. More choices is always good.

And many save their bonuses while living with roommates and can pay for grad school or a home once they earn their terminal degree, are married or know what area they want to be in for 5-7 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He'll be home in two months for few years.

Yes that’s your plan. We hear it loud and clear.

Bingo

Sonny boy is realizing he’s 22 yo and doesn’t want Mom’s Rules, ruling him for “a few more years.”

And who wastes their senior year spring break, job in hand in terrible hiring market, sitting at Mommy’s House?!?

A troll or Sonny boy.

No one we saw out on spring break last week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isolating someone from their friends/family is a classic move by abusers. I would call the DV hotline and brainstorm things you could do -- they are the experts.

OP here. I do not think she is abusive. She has come to our place twice and she seems a bit passive aggressive and detached. She does not seem open to much conversation. She does not like much of what we eat and hence even when they are home they have most meals on their own. When they are home they are in his room with door closed. My son feel compelled to be in the room instead of hanging around family because "she is alone".

What kinds of food do your eat at home?

We eat all kinds of cuisines that are flavorful and nutritious. Our meals vary between home cooked and restaurants food.

Then why did you serve stuff she doesn’t eat if you supposedly eat all sorts of cuisines at home or out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He'll be home in two months for few years.

Yes that’s your plan. We hear it loud and clear.

Bingo

Sonny boy is realizing he’s 22 yo and doesn’t want Mom’s Rules, ruling him for “a few more years.”

And who wastes their senior year spring break, job in hand in terrible hiring market, sitting at Mommy’s House?!?

A troll or Sonny boy.

No one we saw out on spring break last week.

Probably ones whose parents are donut hole payers at private schools and no money is left for spring excursions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He used to call or text me almost every day until December of 2022. When he came home, he spent time with me in the kitchen, helping or talking. He would sit for hours with me watching TV and insist on spending late nights together.

Not normal behavior for any social and straight 21 year old college student.

Oh please. Do you have any sons that age? I have a 24 yr old who calls or texts almost daily. Often not a long text. Most of my friend's have sons who do the same. They're used to do this with their friends and it just gets rolled in the same way, I think.