Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH was the same as yours and said he'd do it b/c he didn't want me to resent him and we went for it. And our 3rd is an absolutely gem and we both agree probably our "best" child.

But he absolutely resents the situation overall - that 3 are really tough to manage in long stretches for 1 adult (when they're little for safety and ability to meet everyone's different developmental needs, when they're older for logistics) so we are now basically both on all the time except when we're working. We don't have family close by and neither of our parents can handle 3 when they visit so there is no hope for getting a weekend away from the kids for years. Its harder to find a babysitter that can manage 3 to get out. Its harder to find schools or activities that meet the needs of all 3 so you end up needing 2 adults for drop offs and pick-ups and activities.

We throw an insane amount of money at help to make it doable in an enjoyable. Of course it's doable without that - but the families i see doing it are stretched very thin without a moment to be a person other than "employee" and "parent". And by middle / high school everyone I know with 3 has 2 adults shuttling kids around - whether the 2nd one is both spouses worker shorter hours, hired, or family. Of course you can skip activities - but are you going to want to?

The bolded sentiment is revolting to me. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go for a third in your situation. I am the middle child of three and am so happy that my parents had my younger sister.

Interesting, our middle child resents her younger sister “replacing” her as youngest. But we have a big age gap of 5 years, how big is yours?

DP. My middle sister resented me and wasn’t nice to me. Still isn’t. Sucks

I am a middle sister and my older sister resents me plus I lost "baby" status to my younger brother. I know almost no one who really likes being a middle sibling, only a few who are indifferent to it. Lots who hate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH was the same as yours and said he'd do it b/c he didn't want me to resent him and we went for it. And our 3rd is an absolutely gem and we both agree probably our "best" child.

But he absolutely resents the situation overall - that 3 are really tough to manage in long stretches for 1 adult (when they're little for safety and ability to meet everyone's different developmental needs, when they're older for logistics) so we are now basically both on all the time except when we're working. We don't have family close by and neither of our parents can handle 3 when they visit so there is no hope for getting a weekend away from the kids for years. Its harder to find a babysitter that can manage 3 to get out. Its harder to find schools or activities that meet the needs of all 3 so you end up needing 2 adults for drop offs and pick-ups and activities.

We throw an insane amount of money at help to make it doable in an enjoyable. Of course it's doable without that - but the families i see doing it are stretched very thin without a moment to be a person other than "employee" and "parent". And by middle / high school everyone I know with 3 has 2 adults shuttling kids around - whether the 2nd one is both spouses worker shorter hours, hired, or family. Of course you can skip activities - but are you going to want to?

to put a finer point on it - i'm pretty sure DH and I would be divorcing if we couldn't throw a ton of money at easing the burden. Either me resenting him for not picking up his share (taking care of a 1, 3, and 5yo is HARD....having an adult just watch you do it while you relax instead of making it easier would make me murder him) or him resenting me for forcing him to always be ON whereas with two kids we both still got plenty of breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

I'm not shaming you for having a SN child. I'm shaming for wanting an additional "normal" child, instead of caring for the SN ones you have. It doesnt sound like your DH was on the same page, or at least you conveniently failed to mention that until now. You want to replace your Sn child with another NT child to complete your family the way you pictured. Life doesnt always work out like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You try for the family you want around your dinner table in 10 years. Newborn stage is a blip in the grand scheme.

This. My DH told me the same thing as yours. « Not my choice but I don’t want you to be unhappy so will follow if it is essential to you ». At the time (at 36 with 2 kids and some frozen embryos) I reluctantly gave up because I was afraid that financially it would be too much for us and would then create tensions in our marriage (DH didn’t care about financial stress but I knew it would impact our relationship to be more limited in our freedom).

Fast forward to now. I am 42, our financial lives has improved a lot (as could be expected but I was being conservative in my hopes). But now DH is 100% out as he feels exhausted and is too happy to not deal with young toddlers anymore.

And I really miss that 3rd one. Reading your post I really want to jump in your shoes and have the rambunctious bigger family I always thought I would have…


I will add one reality check : I also know that my life is easier than the life of my friends with 3. None of us are SAHM. But my house is calmer, cleaner, more organized, I have more time, I am more on top of things and I have more discretionary income to solve annoyances with money (cleaners, direct flights, tutors etc…), they are more harried. I still envy them.

Why isnt this as important as you missing a non-existent person? He would have been way more exhausted, and you recognize how stressful it would have been. You may not even be together if you had a third.

Live in the present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was the same as yours and said he'd do it b/c he didn't want me to resent him and we went for it. And our 3rd is an absolutely gem and we both agree probably our "best" child.

But he absolutely resents the situation overall - that 3 are really tough to manage in long stretches for 1 adult (when they're little for safety and ability to meet everyone's different developmental needs, when they're older for logistics) so we are now basically both on all the time except when we're working. We don't have family close by and neither of our parents can handle 3 when they visit so there is no hope for getting a weekend away from the kids for years. Its harder to find a babysitter that can manage 3 to get out. Its harder to find schools or activities that meet the needs of all 3 so you end up needing 2 adults for drop offs and pick-ups and activities.

We throw an insane amount of money at help to make it doable in an enjoyable. Of course it's doable without that - but the families i see doing it are stretched very thin without a moment to be a person other than "employee" and "parent". And by middle / high school everyone I know with 3 has 2 adults shuttling kids around - whether the 2nd one is both spouses worker shorter hours, hired, or family. Of course you can skip activities - but are you going to want to?

The bolded sentiment is revolting to me. Ugh.

oh calm down - i say it tongue in cheek. He's our best sleeper, most easy going personality, low drama even when sick etc. My point being is that he's the easiest - its not some difficult 3rd baby that pushed us over the edge, just having 3 in general. We couldn't have asked for an easier 3rd. I love them each for their wild differences. My 1st born higher needs one (NT, just what dr. becky would call a DFK) is definitely harder to support and parent well with the needs of the toddler also always pulling on me.

who is my "favorite" varies by day and stage. I absolutely enjoy one more than others at various times, but its constantly envolving which one is in a sweet spot age and personality wise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH was the same as yours and said he'd do it b/c he didn't want me to resent him and we went for it. And our 3rd is an absolutely gem and we both agree probably our "best" child.

But he absolutely resents the situation overall - that 3 are really tough to manage in long stretches for 1 adult (when they're little for safety and ability to meet everyone's different developmental needs, when they're older for logistics) so we are now basically both on all the time except when we're working. We don't have family close by and neither of our parents can handle 3 when they visit so there is no hope for getting a weekend away from the kids for years. Its harder to find a babysitter that can manage 3 to get out. Its harder to find schools or activities that meet the needs of all 3 so you end up needing 2 adults for drop offs and pick-ups and activities.

We throw an insane amount of money at help to make it doable in an enjoyable. Of course it's doable without that - but the families i see doing it are stretched very thin without a moment to be a person other than "employee" and "parent". And by middle / high school everyone I know with 3 has 2 adults shuttling kids around - whether the 2nd one is both spouses worker shorter hours, hired, or family. Of course you can skip activities - but are you going to want to?

Some people should not have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was the same as yours and said he'd do it b/c he didn't want me to resent him and we went for it. And our 3rd is an absolutely gem and we both agree probably our "best" child.

But he absolutely resents the situation overall - that 3 are really tough to manage in long stretches for 1 adult (when they're little for safety and ability to meet everyone's different developmental needs, when they're older for logistics) so we are now basically both on all the time except when we're working. We don't have family close by and neither of our parents can handle 3 when they visit so there is no hope for getting a weekend away from the kids for years. Its harder to find a babysitter that can manage 3 to get out. Its harder to find schools or activities that meet the needs of all 3 so you end up needing 2 adults for drop offs and pick-ups and activities.

We throw an insane amount of money at help to make it doable in an enjoyable. Of course it's doable without that - but the families i see doing it are stretched very thin without a moment to be a person other than "employee" and "parent". And by middle / high school everyone I know with 3 has 2 adults shuttling kids around - whether the 2nd one is both spouses worker shorter hours, hired, or family. Of course you can skip activities - but are you going to want to?

Some people should not have children.

FFS I mean easiest the way everyone fawns over 'easy" sleepers / eaters / travelers etc. I'm not calling one of my kids actually better than the other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was the same as yours and said he'd do it b/c he didn't want me to resent him and we went for it. And our 3rd is an absolutely gem and we both agree probably our "best" child.

But he absolutely resents the situation overall - that 3 are really tough to manage in long stretches for 1 adult (when they're little for safety and ability to meet everyone's different developmental needs, when they're older for logistics) so we are now basically both on all the time except when we're working. We don't have family close by and neither of our parents can handle 3 when they visit so there is no hope for getting a weekend away from the kids for years. Its harder to find a babysitter that can manage 3 to get out. Its harder to find schools or activities that meet the needs of all 3 so you end up needing 2 adults for drop offs and pick-ups and activities.

We throw an insane amount of money at help to make it doable in an enjoyable. Of course it's doable without that - but the families i see doing it are stretched very thin without a moment to be a person other than "employee" and "parent". And by middle / high school everyone I know with 3 has 2 adults shuttling kids around - whether the 2nd one is both spouses worker shorter hours, hired, or family. Of course you can skip activities - but are you going to want to?

Some people should not have children.

FFS I mean easiest the way everyone fawns over 'easy" sleepers / eaters / travelers etc. I'm not calling one of my kids actually better than the other

I hope your other children never hear you calling the baby the "best child". Poor kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was the same as yours and said he'd do it b/c he didn't want me to resent him and we went for it. And our 3rd is an absolutely gem and we both agree probably our "best" child.

But he absolutely resents the situation overall - that 3 are really tough to manage in long stretches for 1 adult (when they're little for safety and ability to meet everyone's different developmental needs, when they're older for logistics) so we are now basically both on all the time except when we're working. We don't have family close by and neither of our parents can handle 3 when they visit so there is no hope for getting a weekend away from the kids for years. Its harder to find a babysitter that can manage 3 to get out. Its harder to find schools or activities that meet the needs of all 3 so you end up needing 2 adults for drop offs and pick-ups and activities.

We throw an insane amount of money at help to make it doable in an enjoyable. Of course it's doable without that - but the families i see doing it are stretched very thin without a moment to be a person other than "employee" and "parent". And by middle / high school everyone I know with 3 has 2 adults shuttling kids around - whether the 2nd one is both spouses worker shorter hours, hired, or family. Of course you can skip activities - but are you going to want to?

The bolded sentiment is revolting to me. Ugh.

What kind of parent who does not know which one is the "best" kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

I'm not shaming you for having a SN child. I'm shaming for wanting an additional "normal" child, instead of caring for the SN ones you have. It doesnt sound like your DH was on the same page, or at least you conveniently failed to mention that until now. You want to replace your Sn child with another NT child to complete your family the way you pictured. Life doesnt always work out like that.

That’s not it at all. I always wanted three kids. My husband was open to it until we had two. He is still open to it but would prefer not to have another.

Unless you have a kid with special needs, I don’t think you can relate to the unique concerns that parents in my position unfortunately have to face. Fortunately my son’s special needs are fairly mild in that he “only” has (pretty severe) adhd, but overall kids with his profile are more prone to other mental health issues and things that I absolutely fear down the road. Yes, in general I think that for a NT child whose sibling has a disability, it is nice for them to also have a NT sibling because it can be a very isolating experience. obviously there is no guarantee of that. You have no idea what it’s like to be a child in a house with a sibling who has a disability or neurological disorder. You seemingly don’t know what it’s like to parent a child with a disability and to have to think about very frightening prospects. I wouldn’t wish this particular consideration on anyone. And to accuse me of wanting a NT child to replace my ND is just disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself and should refrain judgement until you’ve walked a mile in a special needs family’s shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH was the same as yours and said he'd do it b/c he didn't want me to resent him and we went for it. And our 3rd is an absolutely gem and we both agree probably our "best" child.

But he absolutely resents the situation overall - that 3 are really tough to manage in long stretches for 1 adult (when they're little for safety and ability to meet everyone's different developmental needs, when they're older for logistics) so we are now basically both on all the time except when we're working. We don't have family close by and neither of our parents can handle 3 when they visit so there is no hope for getting a weekend away from the kids for years. Its harder to find a babysitter that can manage 3 to get out. Its harder to find schools or activities that meet the needs of all 3 so you end up needing 2 adults for drop offs and pick-ups and activities.

We throw an insane amount of money at help to make it doable in an enjoyable. Of course it's doable without that - but the families i see doing it are stretched very thin without a moment to be a person other than "employee" and "parent". And by middle / high school everyone I know with 3 has 2 adults shuttling kids around - whether the 2nd one is both spouses worker shorter hours, hired, or family. Of course you can skip activities - but are you going to want to?

Some people should not have children.

FFS I mean easiest the way everyone fawns over 'easy" sleepers / eaters / travelers etc. I'm not calling one of my kids actually better than the other

The response you are getting on that should force some self-reflection instead of defensiveness.

If you meant that your 3rd has been the easiest baby, you should say that. While acknowledging that being an easy baby does not make a child an easy child (sometimes easy babies are tough teens, a good sleeper and eater might later have other issues, etc.). And also acknowledging that easy NEVER means "best" -- parents should never think of their children as best or worst and when that language creeps in, it can be very damaging to kids.

I get you said it "tongue in cheek" but maybe take the feedback to remind you that this is not the kind of of thing you should joke about, especially as a way to justify having a third child who has not only placed some strain on you and your DH, but also on your older two children. This is something that is not talked enough about in these threads. Having additional kids can create stress and resentment in your existing kids. It's not just about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

OP, I am sorry people are saying these rude things to you. People without a SN child cannot know what it is and can be very judgmental and harsh. I have been where you sit and thought about a third for very similar reasons. We ended up not going for it, and I am happy with our choice.

Thanks. Can I ask why you’re happy and don’t regret it?

Sure. When we were in the earlier stages of figuring out my younger DC's special needs, I had a very hard time on a day to day basis with all of it.. worried constantly about his future, what we were doing to my other DC's life by being so stressed about this, what our family life was going to be like, will he ever be able to have a conversation (he had a very significant language delay). I felt like having another child might give my other DC the best chance at having a "normal" sibling relationship. I will probably get flamed for that but it was a very real feeling and consideration at the time. We have since gotten him on meds and have gotten some more specific therapy and he is doing so much better. In the meantime, they are both in elementary and we are very busy running around to activities and supporting their education. We both work full time and go into the office 3-4 days a week so there is no way we could juggle it all and be the parents we want to be with three kids. Travel is easier with four people (and it is easier now that he is doing better!) and we have more money to throw at private speech and OT for him than we would if we were also dealing with a toddler and daycare. And, as he has grown and developed along his own curve, his relationship with our older DC has become really great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

I'm not shaming you for having a SN child. I'm shaming for wanting an additional "normal" child, instead of caring for the SN ones you have. It doesnt sound like your DH was on the same page, or at least you conveniently failed to mention that until now. You want to replace your Sn child with another NT child to complete your family the way you pictured. Life doesnt always work out like that.

That’s not it at all. I always wanted three kids. My husband was open to it until we had two. He is still open to it but would prefer not to have another.

Unless you have a kid with special needs, I don’t think you can relate to the unique concerns that parents in my position unfortunately have to face. Fortunately my son’s special needs are fairly mild in that he “only” has (pretty severe) adhd, but overall kids with his profile are more prone to other mental health issues and things that I absolutely fear down the road. Yes, in general I think that for a NT child whose sibling has a disability, it is nice for them to also have a NT sibling because it can be a very isolating experience. obviously there is no guarantee of that. You have no idea what it’s like to be a child in a house with a sibling who has a disability or neurological disorder. You seemingly don’t know what it’s like to parent a child with a disability and to have to think about very frightening prospects. I wouldn’t wish this particular consideration on anyone. And to accuse me of wanting a NT child to replace my ND is just disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself and should refrain judgement until you’ve walked a mile in a special needs family’s shoes.

It concerns me that you don't seem to understand that you can't guarantee a third child will be NT. What if your third child has her own special needs, and now your NT kid has two siblings with special needs AND there are even mores stressors than your reluctant husband already anticipates? Will that be a net positive for your family, regardless of how much you love your third child?

You are assuming that having a third will go a very specific way. You are assuming the child will be NT and become a companion for your DD. I would not assume any of those things. If none of those things happen, is this still a good idea for your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

I'm not shaming you for having a SN child. I'm shaming for wanting an additional "normal" child, instead of caring for the SN ones you have. It doesnt sound like your DH was on the same page, or at least you conveniently failed to mention that until now. You want to replace your Sn child with another NT child to complete your family the way you pictured. Life doesnt always work out like that.

That’s not it at all. I always wanted three kids. My husband was open to it until we had two. He is still open to it but would prefer not to have another.

Unless you have a kid with special needs, I don’t think you can relate to the unique concerns that parents in my position unfortunately have to face. Fortunately my son’s special needs are fairly mild in that he “only” has (pretty severe) adhd, but overall kids with his profile are more prone to other mental health issues and things that I absolutely fear down the road. Yes, in general I think that for a NT child whose sibling has a disability, it is nice for them to also have a NT sibling because it can be a very isolating experience. obviously there is no guarantee of that. You have no idea what it’s like to be a child in a house with a sibling who has a disability or neurological disorder. You seemingly don’t know what it’s like to parent a child with a disability and to have to think about very frightening prospects. I wouldn’t wish this particular consideration on anyone. And to accuse me of wanting a NT child to replace my ND is just disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself and should refrain judgement until you’ve walked a mile in a special needs family’s shoes.

You are assuming a lot. It's because of this that I have empathy for both of your children. You actually said you want to bring another child in so that your SN child will have two siblings to look after them. That is awful. This is not your childrens responsibility! Let your daughter have a life outside of your home! She can have friends and a life of her own. And you say over and over that your DH doesnt want another. You are blaming your SN child for your desire to have another, who could have even further or profound disabilities. And you've already set that up to be your daughters responsibility.