Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to

[Anonymous]

I am on the verge of empty nester-hood and sometimes wish I had a third (we like having kids at home) but cannot imagine how we would pay for college for a third. Paying for two private colleges is already bonkers. Looking toward retirement and wanting to travel more…

[Anonymous]

Our rule was that each parent gets a veto on additional children. It has served us very well.

The logistics of a third child are very challenging. Hard to imagine that your spouse won’t resent you when it becomes a nightmare to manage. A third child can put a lot of pressure on a relationship at the best of times.

Your idea of what is “best for your family” may in fact be naive or even completely ill-conceived, and the third may mess up your family dynamic altogether. Just something to consider.

[Anonymous]

You really want to have a baby with someone who doesn't want one? You already have a SN child - can you handle another with even more needs? We are good friends with several families with 3 kids. They are a much louder and chaotic family than our smaller family. I would not enjoy that type of dynamic. Of course families with 3 will tell you that they're happy they had a third. Most people will not say they regret a child.

[Anonymous]

We had two girls and ended up pregnant with a surprise boy. All our kids are now in elementary private school and all are many activities. All have a social life and birthday parties. Thankfully, so far there are no special needs (except some speech therapy for my son).

We love having 3 and I am so happy I get to experience being a boy mom.
That said, life is much harder. Kids are loud, they fight, they have needs, school events, homework, school applications, teachers conferences, friends, sports, etc.
I work from home and we have a nanny that does a lot of the pickups, but the mental load of planning and managing all the 3 kids’ lives is exhausting (and my son is only 5 so I am sure this work will only increase in the next few years).

Do I regret having our third? Of course not, but it’s definitely harder than I thought it would be when my daughters were 3 and 5 and I got pregnant and said “why not? We did it twice we can do it 3 times”

You can always choose to have a less intense life (less focus on each child, less activities, less social life, less competitive private schools, etc.). We did not

[Anonymous]

Parenting is hard enough when everyone is on board. I personally would never have another child with someone who was just going through the motions to appease me.

Plan, I’ve seen plenty of sisters who absolutely do not get along. My assumptions about them having a certain type of relationship would not be something I’d consider at all in my decision making.

[Anonymous]

My husband was fine with two, a boy and a girl, but I really wanted three. But he has always respected the decisions I make and then fully supports them. If he had been a hard no I’m not sure what I would have done but I’m sure there would be some lingering resentment. We had a third, a girl, and I know he’s very happy having three.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You try for the family you want around your dinner table in 10 years. Newborn stage is a blip in the grand scheme.

So is the phase with ten year olds. So is the phase where they live at home. The newborn stage is as valid as any of it.

Yes and? OP’s husband doesn’t like the newborn stage. Do you frequently comment obvious facts about children (‘they will be 10 years old in 10 years!’) as a means to dissuade people from having children?

[Anonymous]

This is deeply personal. I have relatives who did not feel their families were complete until they had their thirds. I was adamant that I was done after two. We all have our reasons, and those may not be your reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two young kids. We’re in our mid and late thirties. Dh is happy to stop having kids, I mostly want one more (though am not jazzed about getting pregnant or nursing again, and still carrying weight from previous two pregnancies so I don’t feel my healthiest.)

Anyway dh says that he prefers not have more kids, but doesn’t want me to resent him. He “consents.” I essentially have to choose between what he wants and what I want/think is best for our family.

Dh is just past doing the night feedings and diaper changing etc. he likes to travel which would be harder short-term, and more expensive perpetually with three.

We have one child of each gender so not about that.

One of our children (son) does have some mild special needs (adhd). We have healthy ivf embryos remaining (all female). I think having another child would be good for our family, and that having a sister would hopefully be nice for our daughter long-term.

We can afford another child in terms of college savings etc. we plan on private school and two is definitely more affordable in that sense.

On the one hand, it’s nixe to be past the infant stage, but on the other, I feel like a third child is in my heart and this would be the time to go for it.

Wwyd?

The bolded is just you trying to justify want you want. Plenty of girls/women don't get along with their sisters at all; many do. No guarantees there. Also, you're justifying it'd be good for your daughter to have a sister, but your son...doesn't need a brother? Wants two sisters? It's ok to admit this is what YOU want, nothing to do with anyone else.

A son is off the table because all our remaining embryos are female and I have difficulty conceiving naturally. If I had embryos of both genders I wouldn’t pick dd having a sister over ds having a brother. I would pick healthiest embryo.

You have completely missed the point of PP's comment. Other posters have also pointed out that there is no guarantee of the sisters getting along as children or adults, and that your feeling that having another child would be good for your family is....pure conjecture and justification for your wants.

[Anonymous]

Plan for the family you're want in 20 years.

[Anonymous]

We have four children. I can't imagine not having any of them.

[Anonymous]

Us having a third was really no more chaotic than having two and it helped that we didn’t have a SN child. My husband was on the fence but he knew how much it meant to me so he agreed. We did have a nanny for many years and that really helped given I Was working. Our non working lives were very kid and Family focused until our youngest was about 12 at which point we could take up hobbies like golf for my husband. Our young kid years were great years for us. Of course I’m sure I’ve erased a lot of the crying and chaos from my memory!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two young kids. We’re in our mid and late thirties. Dh is happy to stop having kids, I mostly want one more (though am not jazzed about getting pregnant or nursing again, and still carrying weight from previous two pregnancies so I don’t feel my healthiest.)

Anyway dh says that he prefers not have more kids, but doesn’t want me to resent him. He “consents.” I essentially have to choose between what he wants and what I want/think is best for our family.

Dh is just past doing the night feedings and diaper changing etc. he likes to travel which would be harder short-term, and more expensive perpetually with three.

We have one child of each gender so not about that.

One of our children (son) does have some mild special needs (adhd). We have healthy ivf embryos remaining (all female). I think having another child would be good for our family, and that having a sister would hopefully be nice for our daughter long-term.

We can afford another child in terms of college savings etc. we plan on private school and two is definitely more affordable in that sense.

On the one hand, it’s nixe to be past the infant stage, but on the other, I feel like a third child is in my heart and this would be the time to go for it.

Wwyd?

The bolded is just you trying to justify want you want. Plenty of girls/women don't get along with their sisters at all; many do. No guarantees there. Also, you're justifying it'd be good for your daughter to have a sister, but your son...doesn't need a brother? Wants two sisters? It's ok to admit this is what YOU want, nothing to do with anyone else.

It sounds like a brother is not a possibility. The sisters have already been created.

[Anonymous]

We had another baby when we were broadly in a similar situation (I desperately wanted a third and my husband leaned no). It was the right decision in our family and we are happy. However, every situation is different and it sounds like you have a few doubts yourself. I would try to imagine having just 2 kids for a little while and see how well you can sit with that. Also, reflect on how your husband has done with the baby stage in the past and whether you think he will do well this time. Everyone is different. My formerly "lean no" husband has always done well with the baby stage, and it might have been more of an obstacle if that was a phase he/I had struggled with in the past.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, I think this is one of those decisions that requires two enthusiastic yes votes. The risk that he will resent you and the child, and you will resent his lack of investment.