Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

I'm not shaming you for having a SN child. I'm shaming for wanting an additional "normal" child, instead of caring for the SN ones you have. It doesnt sound like your DH was on the same page, or at least you conveniently failed to mention that until now. You want to replace your Sn child with another NT child to complete your family the way you pictured. Life doesnt always work out like that.

That’s not it at all. I always wanted three kids. My husband was open to it until we had two. He is still open to it but would prefer not to have another.

Unless you have a kid with special needs, I don’t think you can relate to the unique concerns that parents in my position unfortunately have to face. Fortunately my son’s special needs are fairly mild in that he “only” has (pretty severe) adhd, but overall kids with his profile are more prone to other mental health issues and things that I absolutely fear down the road. Yes, in general I think that for a NT child whose sibling has a disability, it is nice for them to also have a NT sibling because it can be a very isolating experience. obviously there is no guarantee of that. You have no idea what it’s like to be a child in a house with a sibling who has a disability or neurological disorder. You seemingly don’t know what it’s like to parent a child with a disability and to have to think about very frightening prospects. I wouldn’t wish this particular consideration on anyone. And to accuse me of wanting a NT child to replace my ND is just disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself and should refrain judgement until you’ve walked a mile in a special needs family’s shoes.

I have a NT adult child and a one with significant SN. We stopped at two because that is what WE could handle, come what may. That decision has served us well. Our NT child got enough attention and resources to thrive so does not have any resentment towards SN sibling. SN child's needs have only grown and required much more of our time, energy and financial resources. DH also has developed some unforeseen health issues recently and will need to retire sooner. We should be ok but a younger child to support and another college education to pay for would have made that much more problematic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

I'm not shaming you for having a SN child. I'm shaming for wanting an additional "normal" child, instead of caring for the SN ones you have. It doesnt sound like your DH was on the same page, or at least you conveniently failed to mention that until now. You want to replace your Sn child with another NT child to complete your family the way you pictured. Life doesnt always work out like that.

That’s not it at all. I always wanted three kids. My husband was open to it until we had two. He is still open to it but would prefer not to have another.

Unless you have a kid with special needs, I don’t think you can relate to the unique concerns that parents in my position unfortunately have to face. Fortunately my son’s special needs are fairly mild in that he “only” has (pretty severe) adhd, but overall kids with his profile are more prone to other mental health issues and things that I absolutely fear down the road. Yes, in general I think that for a NT child whose sibling has a disability, it is nice for them to also have a NT sibling because it can be a very isolating experience. obviously there is no guarantee of that. You have no idea what it’s like to be a child in a house with a sibling who has a disability or neurological disorder. You seemingly don’t know what it’s like to parent a child with a disability and to have to think about very frightening prospects. I wouldn’t wish this particular consideration on anyone. And to accuse me of wanting a NT child to replace my ND is just disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself and should refrain judgement until you’ve walked a mile in a special needs family’s shoes.

It concerns me that you don't seem to understand that you can't guarantee a third child will be NT. What if your third child has her own special needs, and now your NT kid has two siblings with special needs AND there are even mores stressors than your reluctant husband already anticipates? Will that be a net positive for your family, regardless of how much you love your third child?

You are assuming that having a third will go a very specific way. You are assuming the child will be NT and become a companion for your DD. I would not assume any of those things. If none of those things happen, is this still a good idea for your family?

I literally said in my previous post - and my earlier one- that of course there is no guarantee of a third child not having special needs. You seem to be projecting something here.

You are always taking a risk with having children. You seem to think I’m unaware of this and haven’t considered this (trust me, as a parent of a SN child, I think about it more times a day than you probably have in your entire life) and you also seem convinced that the risk of having another special needs needs child are close to 100%. I will stick to a genetic counselor and actual data for those concerns. You simply cannot relate to being in the shoes of a special needs parent, which is fine, but maybe hold your judgement, which seems difficult for you.

And yes, generally siblings are companions. There is no way to control that as well, but I think most people who have multiple children assume their children will be companions for life, with varying degrees of closeness. Obviously. That’s called family. You seem very focused on adverse outcomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

I'm not shaming you for having a SN child. I'm shaming for wanting an additional "normal" child, instead of caring for the SN ones you have. It doesnt sound like your DH was on the same page, or at least you conveniently failed to mention that until now. You want to replace your Sn child with another NT child to complete your family the way you pictured. Life doesnt always work out like that.

That’s not it at all. I always wanted three kids. My husband was open to it until we had two. He is still open to it but would prefer not to have another.

Unless you have a kid with special needs, I don’t think you can relate to the unique concerns that parents in my position unfortunately have to face. Fortunately my son’s special needs are fairly mild in that he “only” has (pretty severe) adhd, but overall kids with his profile are more prone to other mental health issues and things that I absolutely fear down the road. Yes, in general I think that for a NT child whose sibling has a disability, it is nice for them to also have a NT sibling because it can be a very isolating experience. obviously there is no guarantee of that. You have no idea what it’s like to be a child in a house with a sibling who has a disability or neurological disorder. You seemingly don’t know what it’s like to parent a child with a disability and to have to think about very frightening prospects. I wouldn’t wish this particular consideration on anyone. And to accuse me of wanting a NT child to replace my ND is just disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself and should refrain judgement until you’ve walked a mile in a special needs family’s shoes.

You are assuming a lot. It's because of this that I have empathy for both of your children. You actually said you want to bring another child in so that your SN child will have two siblings to look after them. That is awful. This is not your childrens responsibility! Let your daughter have a life outside of your home! She can have friends and a life of her own. And you say over and over that your DH doesnt want another. You are blaming your SN child for your desire to have another, who could have even further or profound disabilities. And you've already set that up to be your daughters responsibility.

Yes. That’s also life in a family with a child with special needs. My best friend has a sibling with significant mental health needs. She has known forever that someday it will be her and her other siblings responsibility. That is the hand she was dealt. One of my other close friends has a severely autistic brother and after their parents are gone, it will be his responsibility to make sure his brother is in an appropriate living situation. That is a lonely aspect of his life and he himself went on to have a bigger family for that reason. An ex boyfriend was in a similar position. That is the hand that families of kids with special needs are dealt. I shouldnt have to explain that to judgmental people who have no experience with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

I'm not shaming you for having a SN child. I'm shaming for wanting an additional "normal" child, instead of caring for the SN ones you have. It doesnt sound like your DH was on the same page, or at least you conveniently failed to mention that until now. You want to replace your Sn child with another NT child to complete your family the way you pictured. Life doesnt always work out like that.

That’s not it at all. I always wanted three kids. My husband was open to it until we had two. He is still open to it but would prefer not to have another.

Unless you have a kid with special needs, I don’t think you can relate to the unique concerns that parents in my position unfortunately have to face. Fortunately my son’s special needs are fairly mild in that he “only” has (pretty severe) adhd, but overall kids with his profile are more prone to other mental health issues and things that I absolutely fear down the road. Yes, in general I think that for a NT child whose sibling has a disability, it is nice for them to also have a NT sibling because it can be a very isolating experience. obviously there is no guarantee of that. You have no idea what it’s like to be a child in a house with a sibling who has a disability or neurological disorder. You seemingly don’t know what it’s like to parent a child with a disability and to have to think about very frightening prospects. I wouldn’t wish this particular consideration on anyone. And to accuse me of wanting a NT child to replace my ND is just disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself and should refrain judgement until you’ve walked a mile in a special needs family’s shoes.

It concerns me that you don't seem to understand that you can't guarantee a third child will be NT. What if your third child has her own special needs, and now your NT kid has two siblings with special needs AND there are even mores stressors than your reluctant husband already anticipates? Will that be a net positive for your family, regardless of how much you love your third child?

You are assuming that having a third will go a very specific way. You are assuming the child will be NT and become a companion for your DD. I would not assume any of those things. If none of those things happen, is this still a good idea for your family?

I literally said in my previous post - and my earlier one- that of course there is no guarantee of a third child not having special needs. You seem to be projecting something here.

You are always taking a risk with having children. You seem to think I’m unaware of this and haven’t considered this (trust me, as a parent of a SN child, I think about it more times a day than you probably have in your entire life) and you also seem convinced that the risk of having another special needs needs child are close to 100%. I will stick to a genetic counselor and actual data for those concerns. You simply cannot relate to being in the shoes of a special needs parent, which is fine, but maybe hold your judgement, which seems difficult for you.

And yes, generally siblings are companions. There is no way to control that as well, but I think most people who have multiple children assume their children will be companions for life, with varying degrees of closeness. Obviously. That’s called family. You seem very focused on adverse outcomes.

I agree with you on this OP. No guarantee that siblings will be friends as adults, but also no guarantee adult children will like you. We have them hoping for both. Rather than argue that’s a silly reason to have kids, maybe we could focus on fostering healthy, supportive relationships.

Fwiw I’m one of two kids myself and always wanted more siblings. My husband is one of four and they their ups and downs but are a close family. I really like that he has more than one sibling relationship as he gets something different from each of them. We had 3

[Anonymous]

Having children specifically to be your caretakers or your SN childs caretakers is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

I'm not shaming you for having a SN child. I'm shaming for wanting an additional "normal" child, instead of caring for the SN ones you have. It doesnt sound like your DH was on the same page, or at least you conveniently failed to mention that until now. You want to replace your Sn child with another NT child to complete your family the way you pictured. Life doesnt always work out like that.

That’s not it at all. I always wanted three kids. My husband was open to it until we had two. He is still open to it but would prefer not to have another.

Unless you have a kid with special needs, I don’t think you can relate to the unique concerns that parents in my position unfortunately have to face. Fortunately my son’s special needs are fairly mild in that he “only” has (pretty severe) adhd, but overall kids with his profile are more prone to other mental health issues and things that I absolutely fear down the road. Yes, in general I think that for a NT child whose sibling has a disability, it is nice for them to also have a NT sibling because it can be a very isolating experience. obviously there is no guarantee of that. You have no idea what it’s like to be a child in a house with a sibling who has a disability or neurological disorder. You seemingly don’t know what it’s like to parent a child with a disability and to have to think about very frightening prospects. I wouldn’t wish this particular consideration on anyone. And to accuse me of wanting a NT child to replace my ND is just disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself and should refrain judgement until you’ve walked a mile in a special needs family’s shoes.

You are assuming a lot. It's because of this that I have empathy for both of your children. You actually said you want to bring another child in so that your SN child will have two siblings to look after them. That is awful. This is not your childrens responsibility! Let your daughter have a life outside of your home! She can have friends and a life of her own. And you say over and over that your DH doesnt want another. You are blaming your SN child for your desire to have another, who could have even further or profound disabilities. And you've already set that up to be your daughters responsibility.

Yes. That’s also life in a family with a child with special needs. My best friend has a sibling with significant mental health needs. She has known forever that someday it will be her and her other siblings responsibility. That is the hand she was dealt. One of my other close friends has a severely autistic brother and after their parents are gone, it will be his responsibility to make sure his brother is in an appropriate living situation. That is a lonely aspect of his life and he himself went on to have a bigger family for that reason. An ex boyfriend was in a similar position. That is the hand that families of kids with special needs are dealt. I shouldnt have to explain that to judgmental people who have no experience with it.

Oh wow, well if an ex Bf told you this it must be how all are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

I'm not shaming you for having a SN child. I'm shaming for wanting an additional "normal" child, instead of caring for the SN ones you have. It doesnt sound like your DH was on the same page, or at least you conveniently failed to mention that until now. You want to replace your Sn child with another NT child to complete your family the way you pictured. Life doesnt always work out like that.

That’s not it at all. I always wanted three kids. My husband was open to it until we had two. He is still open to it but would prefer not to have another.

Unless you have a kid with special needs, I don’t think you can relate to the unique concerns that parents in my position unfortunately have to face. Fortunately my son’s special needs are fairly mild in that he “only” has (pretty severe) adhd, but overall kids with his profile are more prone to other mental health issues and things that I absolutely fear down the road. Yes, in general I think that for a NT child whose sibling has a disability, it is nice for them to also have a NT sibling because it can be a very isolating experience. obviously there is no guarantee of that. You have no idea what it’s like to be a child in a house with a sibling who has a disability or neurological disorder. You seemingly don’t know what it’s like to parent a child with a disability and to have to think about very frightening prospects. I wouldn’t wish this particular consideration on anyone. And to accuse me of wanting a NT child to replace my ND is just disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself and should refrain judgement until you’ve walked a mile in a special needs family’s shoes.

It concerns me that you don't seem to understand that you can't guarantee a third child will be NT. What if your third child has her own special needs, and now your NT kid has two siblings with special needs AND there are even mores stressors than your reluctant husband already anticipates? Will that be a net positive for your family, regardless of how much you love your third child?

You are assuming that having a third will go a very specific way. You are assuming the child will be NT and become a companion for your DD. I would not assume any of those things. If none of those things happen, is this still a good idea for your family?

I literally said in my previous post - and my earlier one- that of course there is no guarantee of a third child not having special needs. You seem to be projecting something here.

You are always taking a risk with having children. You seem to think I’m unaware of this and haven’t considered this (trust me, as a parent of a SN child, I think about it more times a day than you probably have in your entire life) and you also seem convinced that the risk of having another special needs needs child are close to 100%. I will stick to a genetic counselor and actual data for those concerns. You simply cannot relate to being in the shoes of a special needs parent, which is fine, but maybe hold your judgement, which seems difficult for you.

And yes, generally siblings are companions. There is no way to control that as well, but I think most people who have multiple children assume their children will be companions for life, with varying degrees of closeness. Obviously. That’s called family. You seem very focused on adverse outcomes.

My sibling lives 10,000 miles away. There's no guarantee your kids will live in the same town or be companions. Further, my sibling and I do not get along. We're called family according to DNA.

Although you are consulting a genetic counselor, aren't SN like cerebral palsy often the result of difficult births, not genetics?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

I'm not shaming you for having a SN child. I'm shaming for wanting an additional "normal" child, instead of caring for the SN ones you have. It doesnt sound like your DH was on the same page, or at least you conveniently failed to mention that until now. You want to replace your Sn child with another NT child to complete your family the way you pictured. Life doesnt always work out like that.

That’s not it at all. I always wanted three kids. My husband was open to it until we had two. He is still open to it but would prefer not to have another.

Unless you have a kid with special needs, I don’t think you can relate to the unique concerns that parents in my position unfortunately have to face. Fortunately my son’s special needs are fairly mild in that he “only” has (pretty severe) adhd, but overall kids with his profile are more prone to other mental health issues and things that I absolutely fear down the road. Yes, in general I think that for a NT child whose sibling has a disability, it is nice for them to also have a NT sibling because it can be a very isolating experience. obviously there is no guarantee of that. You have no idea what it’s like to be a child in a house with a sibling who has a disability or neurological disorder. You seemingly don’t know what it’s like to parent a child with a disability and to have to think about very frightening prospects. I wouldn’t wish this particular consideration on anyone. And to accuse me of wanting a NT child to replace my ND is just disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself and should refrain judgement until you’ve walked a mile in a special needs family’s shoes.

You are assuming a lot. It's because of this that I have empathy for both of your children. You actually said you want to bring another child in so that your SN child will have two siblings to look after them. That is awful. This is not your childrens responsibility! Let your daughter have a life outside of your home! She can have friends and a life of her own. And you say over and over that your DH doesnt want another. You are blaming your SN child for your desire to have another, who could have even further or profound disabilities. And you've already set that up to be your daughters responsibility.

Yes. That’s also life in a family with a child with special needs. My best friend has a sibling with significant mental health needs. She has known forever that someday it will be her and her other siblings responsibility. That is the hand she was dealt. One of my other close friends has a severely autistic brother and after their parents are gone, it will be his responsibility to make sure his brother is in an appropriate living situation. That is a lonely aspect of his life and he himself went on to have a bigger family for that reason. An ex boyfriend was in a similar position. That is the hand that families of kids with special needs are dealt. I shouldnt have to explain that to judgmental people who have no experience with it.

It’s a hand that the siblings and their partners can be unable/refuse to accept when the time comes. I’ve seen this multiple times in my large SN community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

I'm not shaming you for having a SN child. I'm shaming for wanting an additional "normal" child, instead of caring for the SN ones you have. It doesnt sound like your DH was on the same page, or at least you conveniently failed to mention that until now. You want to replace your Sn child with another NT child to complete your family the way you pictured. Life doesnt always work out like that.

That’s not it at all. I always wanted three kids. My husband was open to it until we had two. He is still open to it but would prefer not to have another.

Unless you have a kid with special needs, I don’t think you can relate to the unique concerns that parents in my position unfortunately have to face. Fortunately my son’s special needs are fairly mild in that he “only” has (pretty severe) adhd, but overall kids with his profile are more prone to other mental health issues and things that I absolutely fear down the road. Yes, in general I think that for a NT child whose sibling has a disability, it is nice for them to also have a NT sibling because it can be a very isolating experience. obviously there is no guarantee of that. You have no idea what it’s like to be a child in a house with a sibling who has a disability or neurological disorder. You seemingly don’t know what it’s like to parent a child with a disability and to have to think about very frightening prospects. I wouldn’t wish this particular consideration on anyone. And to accuse me of wanting a NT child to replace my ND is just disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself and should refrain judgement until you’ve walked a mile in a special needs family’s shoes.

You are assuming a lot. It's because of this that I have empathy for both of your children. You actually said you want to bring another child in so that your SN child will have two siblings to look after them. That is awful. This is not your childrens responsibility! Let your daughter have a life outside of your home! She can have friends and a life of her own. And you say over and over that your DH doesnt want another. You are blaming your SN child for your desire to have another, who could have even further or profound disabilities. And you've already set that up to be your daughters responsibility.

Yes. That’s also life in a family with a child with special needs. My best friend has a sibling with significant mental health needs. She has known forever that someday it will be her and her other siblings responsibility. That is the hand she was dealt. One of my other close friends has a severely autistic brother and after their parents are gone, it will be his responsibility to make sure his brother is in an appropriate living situation. That is a lonely aspect of his life and he himself went on to have a bigger family for that reason. An ex boyfriend was in a similar position. That is the hand that families of kids with special needs are dealt. I shouldnt have to explain that to judgmental people who have no experience with it.

It’s a hand that the siblings and their partners can be unable/refuse to accept when the time comes. I’ve seen this multiple times in my large SN community.

I'm wondering if the OP should be focusing on financial planning for the son's future rather than assuming that the daughter (and embryo) will do this. The daughter might develop mental or physical or addiction health problems, might move around the world or might just be unwilling. She might have her own SN child. For other reasons she might not be around e.g. death or accident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

I'm not shaming you for having a SN child. I'm shaming for wanting an additional "normal" child, instead of caring for the SN ones you have. It doesnt sound like your DH was on the same page, or at least you conveniently failed to mention that until now. You want to replace your Sn child with another NT child to complete your family the way you pictured. Life doesnt always work out like that.

That’s not it at all. I always wanted three kids. My husband was open to it until we had two. He is still open to it but would prefer not to have another.

Unless you have a kid with special needs, I don’t think you can relate to the unique concerns that parents in my position unfortunately have to face. Fortunately my son’s special needs are fairly mild in that he “only” has (pretty severe) adhd, but overall kids with his profile are more prone to other mental health issues and things that I absolutely fear down the road. Yes, in general I think that for a NT child whose sibling has a disability, it is nice for them to also have a NT sibling because it can be a very isolating experience. obviously there is no guarantee of that. You have no idea what it’s like to be a child in a house with a sibling who has a disability or neurological disorder. You seemingly don’t know what it’s like to parent a child with a disability and to have to think about very frightening prospects. I wouldn’t wish this particular consideration on anyone. And to accuse me of wanting a NT child to replace my ND is just disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself and should refrain judgement until you’ve walked a mile in a special needs family’s shoes.

You are assuming a lot. It's because of this that I have empathy for both of your children. You actually said you want to bring another child in so that your SN child will have two siblings to look after them. That is awful. This is not your childrens responsibility! Let your daughter have a life outside of your home! She can have friends and a life of her own. And you say over and over that your DH doesnt want another. You are blaming your SN child for your desire to have another, who could have even further or profound disabilities. And you've already set that up to be your daughters responsibility.

Yes. That’s also life in a family with a child with special needs. My best friend has a sibling with significant mental health needs. She has known forever that someday it will be her and her other siblings responsibility. That is the hand she was dealt. One of my other close friends has a severely autistic brother and after their parents are gone, it will be his responsibility to make sure his brother is in an appropriate living situation. That is a lonely aspect of his life and he himself went on to have a bigger family for that reason. An ex boyfriend was in a similar position. That is the hand that families of kids with special needs are dealt. I shouldnt have to explain that to judgmental people who have no experience with it.

It’s a hand that the siblings and their partners can be unable/refuse to accept when the time comes. I’ve seen this multiple times in my large SN community.

I'm wondering if the OP should be focusing on financial planning for the son's future rather than assuming that the daughter (and embryo) will do this. The daughter might develop mental or physical or addiction health problems, might move around the world or might just be unwilling. She might have her own SN child. For other reasons she might not be around e.g. death or accident.

Sure, but the two don’t have to be mutually exclusive. OP’s family does not sound financially strained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd spend less time thinking about how your kids will interact with each other, none of which you have any control over and is all hypothetical, and more thinking about what kind of parent you and your DH will be and want to be. What is going to allow you, your DH, and your marriage to thrive and be the best versions of yourself that you can be. Could be 1 kid, could be 10 kids.

Having kids for other kids in the family is not a good reason.

I completely disagree. The typical child will really benefit from having another typical sibling. It's hard only have a SN sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

I'm not shaming you for having a SN child. I'm shaming for wanting an additional "normal" child, instead of caring for the SN ones you have. It doesnt sound like your DH was on the same page, or at least you conveniently failed to mention that until now. You want to replace your Sn child with another NT child to complete your family the way you pictured. Life doesnt always work out like that.

That’s not it at all. I always wanted three kids. My husband was open to it until we had two. He is still open to it but would prefer not to have another.

Unless you have a kid with special needs, I don’t think you can relate to the unique concerns that parents in my position unfortunately have to face. Fortunately my son’s special needs are fairly mild in that he “only” has (pretty severe) adhd, but overall kids with his profile are more prone to other mental health issues and things that I absolutely fear down the road. Yes, in general I think that for a NT child whose sibling has a disability, it is nice for them to also have a NT sibling because it can be a very isolating experience. obviously there is no guarantee of that. You have no idea what it’s like to be a child in a house with a sibling who has a disability or neurological disorder. You seemingly don’t know what it’s like to parent a child with a disability and to have to think about very frightening prospects. I wouldn’t wish this particular consideration on anyone. And to accuse me of wanting a NT child to replace my ND is just disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself and should refrain judgement until you’ve walked a mile in a special needs family’s shoes.

You are assuming a lot. It's because of this that I have empathy for both of your children. You actually said you want to bring another child in so that your SN child will have two siblings to look after them. That is awful. This is not your childrens responsibility! Let your daughter have a life outside of your home! She can have friends and a life of her own. And you say over and over that your DH doesnt want another. You are blaming your SN child for your desire to have another, who could have even further or profound disabilities. And you've already set that up to be your daughters responsibility.

Yes. That’s also life in a family with a child with special needs. My best friend has a sibling with significant mental health needs. She has known forever that someday it will be her and her other siblings responsibility. That is the hand she was dealt. One of my other close friends has a severely autistic brother and after their parents are gone, it will be his responsibility to make sure his brother is in an appropriate living situation. That is a lonely aspect of his life and he himself went on to have a bigger family for that reason. An ex boyfriend was in a similar position. That is the hand that families of kids with special needs are dealt. I shouldnt have to explain that to judgmental people who have no experience with it.

It’s a hand that the siblings and their partners can be unable/refuse to accept when the time comes. I’ve seen this multiple times in my large SN community.

I'm wondering if the OP should be focusing on financial planning for the son's future rather than assuming that the daughter (and embryo) will do this. The daughter might develop mental or physical or addiction health problems, might move around the world or might just be unwilling. She might have her own SN child. For other reasons she might not be around e.g. death or accident.

Sure, but the two don’t have to be mutually exclusive. OP’s family does not sound financially strained.

Doesn’t the son just have adhd? Does that really require special financial planning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd spend less time thinking about how your kids will interact with each other, none of which you have any control over and is all hypothetical, and more thinking about what kind of parent you and your DH will be and want to be. What is going to allow you, your DH, and your marriage to thrive and be the best versions of yourself that you can be. Could be 1 kid, could be 10 kids.

Having kids for other kids in the family is not a good reason.

I completely disagree. The typical child will really benefit from having another typical sibling. It's hard only have a SN sibling.

I have a friend who had one SN child followed by two NT children. None were multiples. Then the younger of NT children developed a mental illness in their early twenties. Now the middle child will have the burden of two aging parents, the SN sibling and a sibling who cannot be relied upon to help. Thanks Mom and Dad!

[Anonymous]

Op, your SN child counts as more than one
Your SN child counts as 1 1/2 or greater
Your family has 3 almost, already

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it might be that you are working to create the family you always imaginesd, rather than accepting the family you have. Perhaps. You are trying for 2 ordinary children rather than accepting that your 2 current children will be ordinary-enough.

+1
Op has 2 kids but wishes they were 2 NT kids.

Also, who wishes any sort of difficulty on their children? Yah, if I could take away my child’s developmental disability and the struggles it causes them in life and their relationships, I would. Your shaming is ridiculous.

I'm not shaming you for having a SN child. I'm shaming for wanting an additional "normal" child, instead of caring for the SN ones you have. It doesnt sound like your DH was on the same page, or at least you conveniently failed to mention that until now. You want to replace your Sn child with another NT child to complete your family the way you pictured. Life doesnt always work out like that.

That’s not it at all. I always wanted three kids. My husband was open to it until we had two. He is still open to it but would prefer not to have another.

Unless you have a kid with special needs, I don’t think you can relate to the unique concerns that parents in my position unfortunately have to face. Fortunately my son’s special needs are fairly mild in that he “only” has (pretty severe) adhd, but overall kids with his profile are more prone to other mental health issues and things that I absolutely fear down the road. Yes, in general I think that for a NT child whose sibling has a disability, it is nice for them to also have a NT sibling because it can be a very isolating experience. obviously there is no guarantee of that. You have no idea what it’s like to be a child in a house with a sibling who has a disability or neurological disorder. You seemingly don’t know what it’s like to parent a child with a disability and to have to think about very frightening prospects. I wouldn’t wish this particular consideration on anyone. And to accuse me of wanting a NT child to replace my ND is just disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself and should refrain judgement until you’ve walked a mile in a special needs family’s shoes.

It concerns me that you don't seem to understand that you can't guarantee a third child will be NT. What if your third child has her own special needs, and now your NT kid has two siblings with special needs AND there are even mores stressors than your reluctant husband already anticipates? Will that be a net positive for your family, regardless of how much you love your third child?

You are assuming that having a third will go a very specific way. You are assuming the child will be NT and become a companion for your DD. I would not assume any of those things. If none of those things happen, is this still a good idea for your family?

I literally said in my previous post - and my earlier one- that of course there is no guarantee of a third child not having special needs. You seem to be projecting something here.

You are always taking a risk with having children. You seem to think I’m unaware of this and haven’t considered this (trust me, as a parent of a SN child, I think about it more times a day than you probably have in your entire life) and you also seem convinced that the risk of having another special needs needs child are close to 100%. I will stick to a genetic counselor and actual data for those concerns. You simply cannot relate to being in the shoes of a special needs parent, which is fine, but maybe hold your judgement, which seems difficult for you.

And yes, generally siblings are companions. There is no way to control that as well, but I think most people who have multiple children assume their children will be companions for life, with varying degrees of closeness. Obviously. That’s called family. You seem very focused on adverse outcomes.

My sibling lives 10,000 miles away. There's no guarantee your kids will live in the same town or be companions. Further, my sibling and I do not get along. We're called family according to DNA.

Although you are consulting a genetic counselor, aren't SN like cerebral palsy often the result of difficult births, not genetics?

My god, what are the odds of a child having cerebral palsy as a result of a difficult birth? 1 in 500? Are those odds actually worth considering in family planning with no history of those issues? Why does anyone have kids then?