Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to

[Anonymous]

We have two young kids. We’re in our mid and late thirties. Dh is happy to stop having kids, I mostly want one more (though am not jazzed about getting pregnant or nursing again, and still carrying weight from previous two pregnancies so I don’t feel my healthiest.)

Anyway dh says that he prefers not have more kids, but doesn’t want me to resent him. He “consents.” I essentially have to choose between what he wants and what I want/think is best for our family.

Dh is just past doing the night feedings and diaper changing etc. he likes to travel which would be harder short-term, and more expensive perpetually with three.

We have one child of each gender so not about that.

One of our children (son) does have some mild special needs (adhd). We have healthy ivf embryos remaining (all female). I think having another child would be good for our family, and that having a sister would hopefully be nice for our daughter long-term.

We can afford another child in terms of college savings etc. we plan on private school and two is definitely more affordable in that sense.

On the one hand, it’s nixe to be past the infant stage, but on the other, I feel like a third child is in my heart and this would be the time to go for it.

Wwyd?

[Anonymous]

My husband desperately wants a 3rd child. I have mixed feelings. Like you, it's not a money issue, but a genetic predisposition issue.

My friend gave me some wise advice. She said she deeply regretted reaching menopause and not trying enough for a third. If you can project yourself into the future and feel there will be regrets later... you can always try. You might not succeed anyway.

[Anonymous]

I think this is about wants for both of you. Regardless we had the same dynamic. We had the third because I couldn’t stop wanting it. We’re all happy and we’re all glad we have her.

[Anonymous]

This seems like a clear “no” to me

[Anonymous]

^ Unless you plan on being a SAHM

[Anonymous]

I'm someone that has 2 healthy kids and when I went for a 3rd it has been a horrific experience. Never had fertility issues. Losing every single baby conceived at the 3-4 month mark. It has to be one of the worst decisions we ever made. It's so painful. After 2.5 years a specialist found a clotting disorder that wasn't an issue when I was younger.

[Anonymous]

You try for the family you want around your dinner table in 10 years. Newborn stage is a blip in the grand scheme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two young kids. We’re in our mid and late thirties. Dh is happy to stop having kids, I mostly want one more (though am not jazzed about getting pregnant or nursing again, and still carrying weight from previous two pregnancies so I don’t feel my healthiest.)

Anyway dh says that he prefers not have more kids, but doesn’t want me to resent him. He “consents.” I essentially have to choose between what he wants and what I want/think is best for our family.

Dh is just past doing the night feedings and diaper changing etc. he likes to travel which would be harder short-term, and more expensive perpetually with three.

We have one child of each gender so not about that.

One of our children (son) does have some mild special needs (adhd). We have healthy ivf embryos remaining (all female). I think having another child would be good for our family, and that having a sister would hopefully be nice for our daughter long-term.

We can afford another child in terms of college savings etc. we plan on private school and two is definitely more affordable in that sense.

On the one hand, it’s nixe to be past the infant stage, but on the other, I feel like a third child is in my heart and this would be the time to go for it.

Wwyd?

The bolded is just you trying to justify want you want. Plenty of girls/women don't get along with their sisters at all; many do. No guarantees there. Also, you're justifying it'd be good for your daughter to have a sister, but your son...doesn't need a brother? Wants two sisters? It's ok to admit this is what YOU want, nothing to do with anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Three kids is logistically infinitely harder than two, and your time and attention are always divided. This will be the case from the birth of number three beyond the college years--not just financially. Something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My husband desperately wants a 3rd child. I have mixed feelings. Like you, it's not a money issue, but a genetic predisposition issue.

My friend gave me some wise advice. She said she deeply regretted reaching menopause and not trying enough for a third. If you can project yourself into the future and feel there will be regrets later... you can always try. You might not succeed anyway.

I just turned 56 and have two kids, one just graduated from college one in college. I very clearly remember the discussions DH and I had around having a third child. I'm pretty glad now not to have another still in high school or younger. Will I feel that way in 10 yrs? Who knows.

Nobody can predict the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two young kids. We’re in our mid and late thirties. Dh is happy to stop having kids, I mostly want one more (though am not jazzed about getting pregnant or nursing again, and still carrying weight from previous two pregnancies so I don’t feel my healthiest.)

Anyway dh says that he prefers not have more kids, but doesn’t want me to resent him. He “consents.” I essentially have to choose between what he wants and what I want/think is best for our family.

Dh is just past doing the night feedings and diaper changing etc. he likes to travel which would be harder short-term, and more expensive perpetually with three.

We have one child of each gender so not about that.

One of our children (son) does have some mild special needs (adhd). We have healthy ivf embryos remaining (all female). I think having another child would be good for our family, and that having a sister would hopefully be nice for our daughter long-term.

We can afford another child in terms of college savings etc. we plan on private school and two is definitely more affordable in that sense.

On the one hand, it’s nixe to be past the infant stage, but on the other, I feel like a third child is in my heart and this would be the time to go for it.

Wwyd?

The bolded is just you trying to justify want you want. Plenty of girls/women don't get along with their sisters at all; many do. No guarantees there. Also, you're justifying it'd be good for your daughter to have a sister, but your son...doesn't need a brother? Wants two sisters? It's ok to admit this is what YOU want, nothing to do with anyone else.

A son is off the table because all our remaining embryos are female and I have difficulty conceiving naturally. If I had embryos of both genders I wouldn’t pick dd having a sister over ds having a brother. I would pick healthiest embryo.

[Anonymous]

This would be a big no for me. He doesn't really sound like he wants one and you have no idea of potential issues you could face.

[Anonymous]

Is your girl the oldest? I think girl boy girl is better than boy girl girl, sibling harmony wise, although I guess the pro of boy girl girl is that the girls are closer in age and that could lead to them playing together more.

Keep in mind the third kid might have adhd too. My step kid has adhd and it ca be expensive if you hire therapists and executive function coaches etc. it can affect college choices because you might prefer a smaller private college with more hand holding. Or even private k thru 12 at some point too. So make sure you are factoring in the expense of the kid being adhd

[Anonymous]

I’m the youngest of three and generally not a fan of the three sibling dynamic. It can lead to a two vs one dynamic and unfortunately I’m usually the one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You try for the family you want around your dinner table in 10 years. Newborn stage is a blip in the grand scheme.

So is the phase with ten year olds. So is the phase where they live at home. The newborn stage is as valid as any of it.