Dh does not want a third child but will have one if I want to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two young kids. We’re in our mid and late thirties. Dh is happy to stop having kids, I mostly want one more (though am not jazzed about getting pregnant or nursing again, and still carrying weight from previous two pregnancies so I don’t feel my healthiest.)

Anyway dh says that he prefers not have more kids, but doesn’t want me to resent him. He “consents.” I essentially have to choose between what he wants and what I want/think is best for our family.

Dh is just past doing the night feedings and diaper changing etc. he likes to travel which would be harder short-term, and more expensive perpetually with three.

We have one child of each gender so not about that.

One of our children (son) does have some mild special needs (adhd). We have healthy ivf embryos remaining (all female). I think having another child would be good for our family, and that having a sister would hopefully be nice for our daughter long-term.

We can afford another child in terms of college savings etc. we plan on private school and two is definitely more affordable in that sense.

On the one hand, it’s nixe to be past the infant stage, but on the other, I feel like a third child is in my heart and this would be the time to go for it.

Wwyd?

Many many sisters do not get along - the new baby could be a nightmare for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

I would not have another kid in your situation for 2 reasons: 1) I think both parents should enthusiastically desire to have a child before trying to conceive. If your husband doesn’t want another kid and just goes along w it to appease you, that seems like it could lead to resentment and a disconnect between you and your DH down the road. I have seen this dynamic play out in a few of my friends/relatives’ families and 2x it has led to divorce. 2) you already have a kid w special needs who will likely need more time/attention/support down the road. What if your 3rd child also has special needs or health issues? Too big a risk to take. You said your kids are young so maybe you’re betting that they’ll get easier as they get older but often kids DO NOT get easier as they get older, especially if they have special needs. A lot of parents of young kids think once the kids are older, STTN, potty trained, etc it’ll magically be easier to be parents but for us it was the opposite: our kids have gotten more challenging as they age. Bigger kids, bigger problems and more expensive and challenging issues that come up.

[Anonymous]

No. We REALLY wanted three kids and we have them but OMG it’s sooooo much more work!!!

[Anonymous]

I have friends who had a special needs child, then kept having more. They are all significantly impaired.

So you might be leaving two SN siblings for your daughter to be responsible for her whole life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not have another kid in your situation for 2 reasons: 1) I think both parents should enthusiastically desire to have a child before trying to conceive. If your husband doesn’t want another kid and just goes along w it to appease you, that seems like it could lead to resentment and a disconnect between you and your DH down the road. I have seen this dynamic play out in a few of my friends/relatives’ families and 2x it has led to divorce. 2) you already have a kid w special needs who will likely need more time/attention/support down the road. What if your 3rd child also has special needs or health issues? Too big a risk to take. You said your kids are young so maybe you’re betting that they’ll get easier as they get older but often kids DO NOT get easier as they get older, especially if they have special needs. A lot of parents of young kids think once the kids are older, STTN, potty trained, etc it’ll magically be easier to be parents but for us it was the opposite: our kids have gotten more challenging as they age. Bigger kids, bigger problems and more expensive and challenging issues that come up.

+1

[Anonymous]

I would go for a third in your situation. I am the middle child of three and am so happy that my parents had my younger sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the youngest of three and generally not a fan of the three sibling dynamic. It can lead to a two vs one dynamic and unfortunately I’m usually the one.

I’m oldest of three and agree. Two were/are always fighting. Travel as a family of 5 is annoying because hotels are set up for four people in a room. As the oldest, I was always made to sleep on the floor because my parents wouldn’t spring for a larger room or roll away. And we traveled a LOT!

I'm also the oldest of three and yes we fought a lot as kids and yes I also had to sleep on a lot of motel room floors. But as an adult I'd say it was worth it. I wouldn't trade either of my siblings for the chance to have had more comfortable childhood vacations. And anyway Airbnb exists now! Not to say OP should have a third, but I wouldn't choose not to do it out of fear of a three-kid dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two young kids. We’re in our mid and late thirties. Dh is happy to stop having kids, I mostly want one more (though am not jazzed about getting pregnant or nursing again, and still carrying weight from previous two pregnancies so I don’t feel my healthiest.)

Anyway dh says that he prefers not have more kids, but doesn’t want me to resent him. He “consents.” I essentially have to choose between what he wants and what I want/think is best for our family.

Dh is just past doing the night feedings and diaper changing etc. he likes to travel which would be harder short-term, and more expensive perpetually with three.

We have one child of each gender so not about that.

One of our children (son) does have some mild special needs (adhd). We have healthy ivf embryos remaining (all female). I think having another child would be good for our family, and that having a sister would hopefully be nice for our daughter long-term.

We can afford another child in terms of college savings etc. we plan on private school and two is definitely more affordable in that sense.

On the one hand, it’s nixe to be past the infant stage, but on the other, I feel like a third child is in my heart and this would be the time to go for it.

Wwyd?

I have three and my youngest is almost 8 months. I love having three and I am loving the baby stage so much, probably because this is my last. I have a great job too.

It’s a very individual decision and the hard this is you may feel more overwhelmed with three but unsatisfied with two. Neither situation may be perfect for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This seems like a clear “no” to me

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not have another kid in your situation for 2 reasons: 1) I think both parents should enthusiastically desire to have a child before trying to conceive. If your husband doesn’t want another kid and just goes along w it to appease you, that seems like it could lead to resentment and a disconnect between you and your DH down the road. I have seen this dynamic play out in a few of my friends/relatives’ families and 2x it has led to divorce. 2) you already have a kid w special needs who will likely need more time/attention/support down the road. What if your 3rd child also has special needs or health issues? Too big a risk to take. You said your kids are young so maybe you’re betting that they’ll get easier as they get older but often kids DO NOT get easier as they get older, especially if they have special needs. A lot of parents of young kids think once the kids are older, STTN, potty trained, etc it’ll magically be easier to be parents but for us it was the opposite: our kids have gotten more challenging as they age. Bigger kids, bigger problems and more expensive and challenging issues that come up.

I bought into this same mentality of thinking it would get easier once we got through the baby and toddler and preschool years. It hasn’t. I have 2 boys, ages 5 and 7 and it is still incredibly, wildly, unfathomably difficult. I love them but I would definitely not have had my 2nd if I could do it all over again. He also has “mild” SN, but he is at least 10 times harder than our other child and the two of them together is very difficult.

[Anonymous]

My DH was happy to stop with 2 but supported me in having another because he didn’t want me to have any regrets. Of course it’s harder with more kids, but I am so glad we don’t just have 2. The oldest is a junior and I can’t imagine only having 1 left in the house in a year. It has been good for our family dynamics since the oldest 2 don’t get along well but the middle and youngest and close. YMMV

[Anonymous]

I’ve never heard anyone say they regretted having a child they were trying to have. Not once. That doesn’t mean you need to do it but just saying once the child is born no one ever wishes they hadn’t had them even if it’s X times harder.

That said your dh has to really genuinely come around. Your not doing this alone and having a strong marriage makes all of life better.

Don’t do it based on some illusion that the kids are all going to be besties. Three is actually a hard number with frequent triangulations. That’s true of friendships and sibling relationships. On the other hand you can’t really predict this either.

Do what’s in your heart and go for it! Although even IVF can be stressful and not always successful and maybe have a feeling about how long a road you want to walk trying.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go for a third in your situation. I am the middle child of three and am so happy that my parents had my younger sister.

I am the middle child of three and wish my younger brother had never been born.

[Anonymous]

It’s not the baby phase that’s hard. It’s like 18 months-4 or so years. It’s frekan brutal. And it truly seems to last forever. We decided to have a third when our older two were in elementary. So there is a pretty large gap. And it’s the only way it’s made it even somewhat doable. But it is still is killing me. I love our third and he definitely completed our family but truth be told I’m not sure I would have made the same decision if I really and truly remembered how hard this stage was.

[Anonymous]

I'd stop at 2. Especially, already having a child with SN.