Engaged 8 years. I am 50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You n ed to do what you can to save money for yourself OP, get a bank account for only yourself if you don't already have one, and find at least a part time job when your kid can go to preschool or kindergarten.

Her youngest is 7!

What does that matter? Most women work when their kids are infants.

Her best course is to stay with the guy, who covers her housing and all expenses, and also get a job and sock the money away for herself alone for the future. He won’t have any claim to it since they are not married. He may agree to this. However it’s also possible he will ask her to contribute to the household, since she is working. He’s also not entitled to any of the child support for her other two kids and I really hope she hasn’t been using any of that on herself or to offset expenses in her current home situation.

Honestly OP your best bet right now is a job that pays cash that will not disrupt your child support payments, which you should be setting aside and investing. How much are you getting in child support and for how long?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You n ed to do what you can to save money for yourself OP, get a bank account for only yourself if you don't already have one, and find at least a part time job when your kid can go to preschool or kindergarten.

Her youngest is 7!

What does that matter? Most women work when their kids are infants.

Agreed- the comment was in response to the quoted pp that (clearly lacked reading comprehension skills and) suggested op find at least a part time job when her kid enters preschool or kindergarten.

Clearly OP has no excuse to not be working now

That may actually be why her “fiancé” is telling her to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:State that you would like to get married at the courthouse next week.

If you separate now, you’ll get child support and that’s it.

So I would get child support? This seems unclear to me because I’m not married.

You absolutely 100% will get child support, but no property or “marital funds” as you are unmarried.

What matters the most to you? Can you get a job?

She would get child support for ONE child…

She has 3 children.

And she wouldn’t even get to keep the car she drives because it’s in his name. She would have no transportation and no housing since he owns the house she lives in. Even the most generous child support would still leave her VERY financially vulnerable.

I am curious. What’s the custody situation with the older children? Is their dad involved? Does he pay child support? Is he in the same state?

I have full custody. He pays child support monthly.

I have talked to my fiancé and when I tell him I’m not happy he tells me to leave. He has told me to leave on several occasions. Agree I’m trapped and could be homeless soon.

GET👏🏻A👏🏻JOB👏🏻

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:State that you would like to get married at the courthouse next week.

If you separate now, you’ll get child support and that’s it.

So I would get child support? This seems unclear to me because I’m not married.

You absolutely 100% will get child support, but no property or “marital funds” as you are unmarried.

What matters the most to you? Can you get a job?

She would get child support for ONE child…

She has 3 children.

And she wouldn’t even get to keep the car she drives because it’s in his name. She would have no transportation and no housing since he owns the house she lives in. Even the most generous child support would still leave her VERY financially vulnerable.

I am curious. What’s the custody situation with the older children? Is their dad involved? Does he pay child support? Is he in the same state?

I have full custody. He pays child support monthly.

I have talked to my fiancé and when I tell him I’m not happy he tells me to leave. He has told me to leave on several occasions. Agree I’m trapped and could be homeless soon.

GET👏🏻A👏🏻JOB👏🏻

+1 in his mind this is a “how dare you complain” situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:State that you would like to get married at the courthouse next week.

If you separate now, you’ll get child support and that’s it.

So I would get child support? This seems unclear to me because I’m not married.

You are more likely not to get custody of the child if you move away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dc is a common law state

And? Do you think the courts just find a common law marriage any time someone asks for one? OP is literally on here saying "my fiance" and asking for help because she knows she is not married. That's proof that they lack a common law marriage right there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to fake it til you make it.

You don’t have the luxury of appearing depressed right now. Right now you need to be the ideal partner, stepford wife level. Appearance and temperament need to be immaculate at all times. Zero conflict.

You have a single mission right now, to secure you AND your children’s financial stability.

Get into therapy, tell your therapist everything. You’re being financially abused.

You don’t like where you live? No you don’t, you love it because he loves it. In fact, now is the time where you should be involved in all the boards, charities, and networking opportunities you can. Lean into how amazing this community is.

You were depressed? No you weren’t, it was birthday blues but you remembered how amazing your comfortable life is. He’s such a good provider, such a wonderful partner, such a great father.

In fact, in 90 days or so, you just want to go to the courthouse and get married. But because he has adult children and assets that predate your relationship of course you understand if he wants a prenup, all your concerned with it making sure your joint child will be protected if something were to happen to him, you don’t need to see the will, of course you trust him, of course he will make sure that you and the children are cared for.

Do NOT ask to have your own attorney review it, just sign and make sure you’re married that same week. This is a basis to challenge it later if you divorce.

Start stashing money. Retirement accounts. Personal IRA accounts. Set up a small vanity business, pay yourself. Take out life insurance on him, fold the premiums into the household expenses.

Pad everything, make sure every bill isn’t just current but paid up for months in advance. When you buy groceries, overstock by 30% for non perishable items. Kid needs? Buy ahead, clothing, supplies, everything slowly ramps up expenses. 10% more next month. 2-3% a month after that. Blame inflation.

After you’re married, either things will improve and you’ll never need to use your escape plans, or they won’t but you’ll be in a far better position to take care of yourself.

What’s your education background? Good time for an extra degree.

+1

I love a girl’s girl!!!

+2 All admiration. I would volunteer to be a clinic escort with this baddie.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you have a job? That’s a mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this you, OP? https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1093299.page

Op here. Yes, that was me.

Oh for heaven's sake. i just slogged through that thread. OP -- you are not "engaged." The phrase is "engaged to be married" and you are not ever getting married. At least not to this guy. You will not be his wife, and with this you-can't-see-my-will stuff it is clear that he doesn't think of you as a wife and that he won't treat you as one.

The way I see it, you have two choices: 1) Find work. At this stage it doesn't really matter what it is, but try to get in with some good people in a relatively healthy work environment. If things don't work out at the first job you try, find something else. You need to shore up your self-respect and create relationships, even if superficial work ones, with some new people where everyone is accountable for something. You lack dignity in your current situation (not saying SAHMs lack dignity, I'm saying OP does, given her status in her relationship/family). Begin to create a life, or some aspects of life, separate from this guy. Then figure out if you want to work on creating your own stability for yourself and your children with him, or without him. I know what my answer would be, but you do you. Or, 2) stick with the demeaning and pathetic status quo, but stop crying on here about it. People told you all of this the last time you posted, and you did nothing to improve your life and here you are going on about the same situation with your "fiance." You aren't engaged. As soon as you figure that out, you will be better off.

Sadly, my money is on you going with 2. Because you don't really want anything to change if it takes effort. You just want sympathy. No one has sympathy for people living in the same mess year after year complaining about the same thing and not doing anything about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this you, OP? https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1093299.page

Op here. Yes, that was me.

So you are 52 years old now? Get a job now. It will be a lot tougher to get a job at 62 or 65. Also if you are not working you are not accruing social security benefits. It is hard to be a checkout operator in your 70's.

Has he started a college fund for child #3? Get him to start a college fund for child #3.

Will he pay for college so you can get retraining? RN? XRay tech etc. These pay decent money.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd be very cautious if he offers to send you and all three kids on a vacation at once. Tiger Woods had a live in--Erica--and Tiger sent her on a spa vacation. Tiger had the locks changed on everything when she was gone and she was met at the spa vacation by his lawyer telling her the relationship was over and I think he offered a pittance in cash, a very, very small sum of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to fake it til you make it.

You don’t have the luxury of appearing depressed right now. Right now you need to be the ideal partner, stepford wife level. Appearance and temperament need to be immaculate at all times. Zero conflict.

You have a single mission right now, to secure you AND your children’s financial stability.

Get into therapy, tell your therapist everything. You’re being financially abused.

You don’t like where you live? No you don’t, you love it because he loves it. In fact, now is the time where you should be involved in all the boards, charities, and networking opportunities you can. Lean into how amazing this community is.

You were depressed? No you weren’t, it was birthday blues but you remembered how amazing your comfortable life is. He’s such a good provider, such a wonderful partner, such a great father.

In fact, in 90 days or so, you just want to go to the courthouse and get married. But because he has adult children and assets that predate your relationship of course you understand if he wants a prenup, all your concerned with it making sure your joint child will be protected if something were to happen to him, you don’t need to see the will, of course you trust him, of course he will make sure that you and the children are cared for.

Do NOT ask to have your own attorney review it, just sign and make sure you’re married that same week. This is a basis to challenge it later if you divorce.

Start stashing money. Retirement accounts. Personal IRA accounts. Set up a small vanity business, pay yourself. Take out life insurance on him, fold the premiums into the household expenses.

Pad everything, make sure every bill isn’t just current but paid up for months in advance. When you buy groceries, overstock by 30% for non perishable items. Kid needs? Buy ahead, clothing, supplies, everything slowly ramps up expenses. 10% more next month. 2-3% a month after that. Blame inflation.

After you’re married, either things will improve and you’ll never need to use your escape plans, or they won’t but you’ll be in a far better position to take care of yourself.

What’s your education background? Good time for an extra degree.

This is the kind of stuff i would be doing. For sure stashing money in retirement accounts because he can't access those. And get involved in the community. and get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I have a master’s degree. When I moved to this state, over 10 years ago, I had a horrible time finding a job. I ended up taking a minimum wage job for a few years. When I became pregnant he told me I could quit. That was over 7 years ago.

Op here again. I’m so out of touch with technology and am awful with computer programming and I feel so scared to go back to the workplace.

Substitute teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to fake it til you make it.

You don’t have the luxury of appearing depressed right now. Right now you need to be the ideal partner, stepford wife level. Appearance and temperament need to be immaculate at all times. Zero conflict.

You have a single mission right now, to secure you AND your children’s financial stability.

Get into therapy, tell your therapist everything. You’re being financially abused.

You don’t like where you live? No you don’t, you love it because he loves it. In fact, now is the time where you should be involved in all the boards, charities, and networking opportunities you can. Lean into how amazing this community is.

You were depressed? No you weren’t, it was birthday blues but you remembered how amazing your comfortable life is. He’s such a good provider, such a wonderful partner, such a great father.

In fact, in 90 days or so, you just want to go to the courthouse and get married. But because he has adult children and assets that predate your relationship of course you understand if he wants a prenup, all your concerned with it making sure your joint child will be protected if something were to happen to him, you don’t need to see the will, of course you trust him, of course he will make sure that you and the children are cared for.

Do NOT ask to have your own attorney review it, just sign and make sure you’re married that same week. This is a basis to challenge it later if you divorce.

Start stashing money. Retirement accounts. Personal IRA accounts. Set up a small vanity business, pay yourself. Take out life insurance on him, fold the premiums into the household expenses.

Pad everything, make sure every bill isn’t just current but paid up for months in advance. When you buy groceries, overstock by 30% for non perishable items. Kid needs? Buy ahead, clothing, supplies, everything slowly ramps up expenses. 10% more next month. 2-3% a month after that. Blame inflation.

After you’re married, either things will improve and you’ll never need to use your escape plans, or they won’t but you’ll be in a far better position to take care of yourself.

What’s your education background? Good time for an extra degree.

+1

I'll add get any dental work done you and the kids need. Keep current on medical situations.

I'm amazed the guy owns 3 houses and one is a vacation home?

[Anonymous]

Restaurant hostess?

Watch some kids during the day for cash?