Engaged 8 years. I am 50.

[Anonymous]

You will not be able to move out of the state since you have a child together unless he agrees. So basically, either way you have another 12 years before you would realistically be able to leave the area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My fiancé and I have one daughter together (she is 7) and I have two children (13 and 16) from a previous marriage. He also has two adult children.

I don’t work and he is the breadwinner. He has 3 houses and they are all in his name. I also drive a car that is in his name. I have nothing. Yes, I have been stupid, you don’t need to tell me this. My question is, if I leave the relationship, am I entitled to anything since we aren’t married?

Additionally, We aren’t on the same page when it comes to where we live. He travels a ton and I hate our state (not in the DMV area). This is perhaps another thread but I have been here a long time, have always disliked it and feel extremely trapped. He’s never here because of his work travels. Since turning 50 earlier this year, i have become a bit depressed and think i would be happier living somewhere else but he’s not on board at all and since he’s the breadwinner he makes the decisions. He’s extremely controlling but generous. Oh and one last thing since I’m getting this all out and you’re a bunch of strangers who don’t know me, he won’t show me his will. If something were to happen to me, I have no idea if I will end up on the street. As I type this I realize that this is a very good relationship for HIM. He can have his cake and eat it too.

Tell me how this is a good relationship for him. As I see it, he is fully financially supporting his girlfriend and their shared child, and presumably carrying much of the financial weight of his girlfriend’s two kids who are not his. And his girlfriend doesn’t work. Seems like you’ve very much gotten the better end of this deal, because without him, you and your kids would be homeless?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will not be able to move out of the state since you have a child together unless he agrees. So basically, either way you have another 12 years before you would realistically be able to leave the area.

This is wrong.

They’re not married and there’s no custody agreement in place.

If she plays her cards correctly, she could establish residency in a different state and file for child support there. That first point of a legal is where custody will be decided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My fiancé and I have one daughter together (she is 7) and I have two children (13 and 16) from a previous marriage. He also has two adult children.

I don’t work and he is the breadwinner. He has 3 houses and they are all in his name. I also drive a car that is in his name. I have nothing. Yes, I have been stupid, you don’t need to tell me this. My question is, if I leave the relationship, am I entitled to anything since we aren’t married?

Additionally, We aren’t on the same page when it comes to where we live. He travels a ton and I hate our state (not in the DMV area). This is perhaps another thread but I have been here a long time, have always disliked it and feel extremely trapped. He’s never here because of his work travels. Since turning 50 earlier this year, i have become a bit depressed and think i would be happier living somewhere else but he’s not on board at all and since he’s the breadwinner he makes the decisions. He’s extremely controlling but generous. Oh and one last thing since I’m getting this all out and you’re a bunch of strangers who don’t know me, he won’t show me his will. If something were to happen to me, I have no idea if I will end up on the street. As I type this I realize that this is a very good relationship for HIM. He can have his cake and eat it too.

You need a good lawyer, stat. It's possible you would be considered common law married, but that's dependent on your state of residence.

If he's generous, then start socking away a little money here and there. Also, you need a job if you don't have one. 7 year old should be in before/aftercare. "Sell" is as activities/enrichment for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiancé and I have one daughter together (she is 7) and I have two children (13 and 16) from a previous marriage. He also has two adult children.

I don’t work and he is the breadwinner. He has 3 houses and they are all in his name. I also drive a car that is in his name. I have nothing. Yes, I have been stupid, you don’t need to tell me this. My question is, if I leave the relationship, am I entitled to anything since we aren’t married?

Additionally, We aren’t on the same page when it comes to where we live. He travels a ton and I hate our state (not in the DMV area). This is perhaps another thread but I have been here a long time, have always disliked it and feel extremely trapped. He’s never here because of his work travels. Since turning 50 earlier this year, i have become a bit depressed and think i would be happier living somewhere else but he’s not on board at all and since he’s the breadwinner he makes the decisions. He’s extremely controlling but generous. Oh and one last thing since I’m getting this all out and you’re a bunch of strangers who don’t know me, he won’t show me his will. If something were to happen to me, I have no idea if I will end up on the street. As I type this I realize that this is a very good relationship for HIM. He can have his cake and eat it too.

Tell me how this is a good relationship for him. As I see it, he is fully financially supporting his girlfriend and their shared child, and presumably carrying much of the financial weight of his girlfriend’s two kids who are not his. And his girlfriend doesn’t work. Seems like you’ve very much gotten the better end of this deal, because without him, you and your kids would be homeless?

You have agreed to these terms so to get out of it you change what you are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will not be able to move out of the state since you have a child together unless he agrees. So basically, either way you have another 12 years before you would realistically be able to leave the area.

This is wrong.

They’re not married and there’s no custody agreement in place.

If she plays her cards correctly, she could establish residency in a different state and file for child support there. That first point of a legal is where custody will be decided.

Umm no. The marriage doesn’t matter. You can’t just move a child like that without the other parent’s agreement. It would be the same if he took the kid out of state to live somewhere else without the mother’s permission. It doesn’t work that way. But go ahead and try it and let me know how it works out for you.

Side note-she already stated she has no job and is 100% financially supported by her fiance. Therefore, how the heck would she even be able to move to another state and set up shop with 3 kids?

[Anonymous]

You need to fake it til you make it.

You don’t have the luxury of appearing depressed right now. Right now you need to be the ideal partner, stepford wife level. Appearance and temperament need to be immaculate at all times. Zero conflict.

You have a single mission right now, to secure you AND your children’s financial stability.

Get into therapy, tell your therapist everything. You’re being financially abused.

You don’t like where you live? No you don’t, you love it because he loves it. In fact, now is the time where you should be involved in all the boards, charities, and networking opportunities you can. Lean into how amazing this community is.

You were depressed? No you weren’t, it was birthday blues but you remembered how amazing your comfortable life is. He’s such a good provider, such a wonderful partner, such a great father.

In fact, in 90 days or so, you just want to go to the courthouse and get married. But because he has adult children and assets that predate your relationship of course you understand if he wants a prenup, all your concerned with it making sure your joint child will be protected if something were to happen to him, you don’t need to see the will, of course you trust him, of course he will make sure that you and the children are cared for.

Do NOT ask to have your own attorney review it, just sign and make sure you’re married that same week. This is a basis to challenge it later if you divorce.

Start stashing money. Retirement accounts. Personal IRA accounts. Set up a small vanity business, pay yourself. Take out life insurance on him, fold the premiums into the household expenses.

Pad everything, make sure every bill isn’t just current but paid up for months in advance. When you buy groceries, overstock by 30% for non perishable items. Kid needs? Buy ahead, clothing, supplies, everything slowly ramps up expenses. 10% more next month. 2-3% a month after that. Blame inflation.

After you’re married, either things will improve and you’ll never need to use your escape plans, or they won’t but you’ll be in a far better position to take care of yourself.

What’s your education background? Good time for an extra degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My fiancé and I have one daughter together (she is 7) and I have two children (13 and 16) from a previous marriage. He also has two adult children.

I don’t work and he is the breadwinner. He has 3 houses and they are all in his name. I also drive a car that is in his name. I have nothing. Yes, I have been stupid, you don’t need to tell me this. My question is, if I leave the relationship, am I entitled to anything since we aren’t married?

Additionally, We aren’t on the same page when it comes to where we live. He travels a ton and I hate our state (not in the DMV area). This is perhaps another thread but I have been here a long time, have always disliked it and feel extremely trapped. He’s never here because of his work travels. Since turning 50 earlier this year, i have become a bit depressed and think i would be happier living somewhere else but he’s not on board at all and since he’s the breadwinner he makes the decisions. He’s extremely controlling but generous. Oh and one last thing since I’m getting this all out and you’re a bunch of strangers who don’t know me, he won’t show me his will. If something were to happen to me, I have no idea if I will end up on the street. As I type this I realize that this is a very good relationship for HIM. He can have his cake and eat it too.

Child support. You would be entitled to child support. That's it. And you most certainly aren't getting any of his houses. It wouldn't be a bad idea to consult a family law attorney about how you might protect yourself and your child given your lack of marital status, whether you are concerned about the relationship ending or not. And he won't show you his will because you aren't in it -- and the child you have together might not be either (or they might be slighted as compared to his adult children).

All of that said, you say he's having his cake and eating it too, but you aren't working at all -- so ... I'm sure a similar thing could be said of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will not be able to move out of the state since you have a child together unless he agrees. So basically, either way you have another 12 years before you would realistically be able to leave the area.

This is wrong.

They’re not married and there’s no custody agreement in place.

If she plays her cards correctly, she could establish residency in a different state and file for child support there. That first point of a legal is where custody will be decided.

Umm no. The marriage doesn’t matter. You can’t just move a child like that without the other parent’s agreement. It would be the same if he took the kid out of state to live somewhere else without the mother’s permission. It doesn’t work that way. But go ahead and try it and let me know how it works out for you.

Side note-she already stated she has no job and is 100% financially supported by her fiance. Therefore, how the heck would she even be able to move to another state and set up shop with 3 kids?

There

Is

No

Custody

Agreement

Until, they get a custody agreement, she can take her kid anywhere she wants without consequences. (And so can he.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to fake it til you make it.

You don’t have the luxury of appearing depressed right now. Right now you need to be the ideal partner, stepford wife level. Appearance and temperament need to be immaculate at all times. Zero conflict.

You have a single mission right now, to secure you AND your children’s financial stability.

Get into therapy, tell your therapist everything. You’re being financially abused.

You don’t like where you live? No you don’t, you love it because he loves it. In fact, now is the time where you should be involved in all the boards, charities, and networking opportunities you can. Lean into how amazing this community is.

You were depressed? No you weren’t, it was birthday blues but you remembered how amazing your comfortable life is. He’s such a good provider, such a wonderful partner, such a great father.

In fact, in 90 days or so, you just want to go to the courthouse and get married. But because he has adult children and assets that predate your relationship of course you understand if he wants a prenup, all your concerned with it making sure your joint child will be protected if something were to happen to him, you don’t need to see the will, of course you trust him, of course he will make sure that you and the children are cared for.

Do NOT ask to have your own attorney review it, just sign and make sure you’re married that same week. This is a basis to challenge it later if you divorce.

Start stashing money. Retirement accounts. Personal IRA accounts. Set up a small vanity business, pay yourself. Take out life insurance on him, fold the premiums into the household expenses.

Pad everything, make sure every bill isn’t just current but paid up for months in advance. When you buy groceries, overstock by 30% for non perishable items. Kid needs? Buy ahead, clothing, supplies, everything slowly ramps up expenses. 10% more next month. 2-3% a month after that. Blame inflation.

After you’re married, either things will improve and you’ll never need to use your escape plans, or they won’t but you’ll be in a far better position to take care of yourself.

What’s your education background? Good time for an extra degree.

Genius. Someone once said buy a gift card at the grocery store and hide them somewhere. $50-100 that will go unnoticed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will not be able to move out of the state since you have a child together unless he agrees. So basically, either way you have another 12 years before you would realistically be able to leave the area.

This is wrong.

They’re not married and there’s no custody agreement in place.

If she plays her cards correctly, she could establish residency in a different state and file for child support there. That first point of a legal is where custody will be decided.

Umm no. The marriage doesn’t matter. You can’t just move a child like that without the other parent’s agreement. It would be the same if he took the kid out of state to live somewhere else without the mother’s permission. It doesn’t work that way. But go ahead and try it and let me know how it works out for you.

Side note-she already stated she has no job and is 100% financially supported by her fiance. Therefore, how the heck would she even be able to move to another state and set up shop with 3 kids?

DP, but you are obsessed with this. You say it on every thread. The truth is that none of us know the answer because we aren't the judge in the court that would ultimately be making the decision.

[Anonymous]

You need a job and a 401k OP. You could start saving some of the money he is generous with to start a bank account in your own name that he doesn't know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to fake it til you make it.

You don’t have the luxury of appearing depressed right now. Right now you need to be the ideal partner, stepford wife level. Appearance and temperament need to be immaculate at all times. Zero conflict.

You have a single mission right now, to secure you AND your children’s financial stability.

Get into therapy, tell your therapist everything. You’re being financially abused.

You don’t like where you live? No you don’t, you love it because he loves it. In fact, now is the time where you should be involved in all the boards, charities, and networking opportunities you can. Lean into how amazing this community is.

You were depressed? No you weren’t, it was birthday blues but you remembered how amazing your comfortable life is. He’s such a good provider, such a wonderful partner, such a great father.

In fact, in 90 days or so, you just want to go to the courthouse and get married. But because he has adult children and assets that predate your relationship of course you understand if he wants a prenup, all your concerned with it making sure your joint child will be protected if something were to happen to him, you don’t need to see the will, of course you trust him, of course he will make sure that you and the children are cared for.

Do NOT ask to have your own attorney review it, just sign and make sure you’re married that same week. This is a basis to challenge it later if you divorce.

Start stashing money. Retirement accounts. Personal IRA accounts. Set up a small vanity business, pay yourself. Take out life insurance on him, fold the premiums into the household expenses.

Pad everything, make sure every bill isn’t just current but paid up for months in advance. When you buy groceries, overstock by 30% for non perishable items. Kid needs? Buy ahead, clothing, supplies, everything slowly ramps up expenses. 10% more next month. 2-3% a month after that. Blame inflation.

After you’re married, either things will improve and you’ll never need to use your escape plans, or they won’t but you’ll be in a far better position to take care of yourself.

What’s your education background? Good time for an extra degree.

Plenty of terrible legal advice in here ^^, OP. You do need legal advice, but you need to get it from an actual lawyer. In your jurisdiction. Who is able to talk to you and ask follow up questions about your situation to best advise you. For example. do not go signing a prenup without an attorney reviewing it because some idiot on the internet thinks purposefully not having an attorney review such an agreement will get you out of it later. That's foolish.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have received some good advice. But please, don't beat yourself up. A lot of good, very intelligent people make incredibly stupid decisions when it comes to partners. I could write a book on it. You need to be the best possible person for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:State that you would like to get married at the courthouse next week.

If you separate now, you’ll get child support and that’s it.

So I would get child support? This seems unclear to me because I’m not married.

You absolutely 100% will get child support, but no property or “marital funds” as you are unmarried.

What matters the most to you? Can you get a job?