13 year old dd and CPS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine how different this would have gone if mom posted that dad had slapped the kid. People would be giving all kinds of advice on how to get 100% custody for mom.

Instead, people are all “your kid deserved it.” This is insane.

The DD is playing Dad against mom. Dad is milking this even after knowing OP regrets what she did. The kid will be messed up in life if Dad continues to encourage this sort of behavior.

I agree with everything you said, but you don’t get to slap your kid and think that it won’t impact custody.

Since I have not been in that situation I honestly don't know how it impacts custody. Can custody be taken away for a slap? I mean we have heard worse things on the news - drugs, neglect, you name it and they still have custody

No, custody will not be withheld for a slap.
Even if it was, that would be determined by a court, OP's husband can't withhold it in defiance of their custody agreement (you have an official legal custody agreement, right OP? And your ex is refusing to honor it?) This is why OP needs a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. First off CPA has not come yet. Has been 3-4 days. Lawyers I talk to say different things: it may take them up to a month to come, talk to them or don't say anything... and that they will make my life miserable etc etc. I get that no lawyer is going to dissuade me from hiring them so will make it sound worse. This incident (as well as the comments I read here) has given me a moment to reflect on my own parenting style and hope to not be so reactive moving forth. I am much to blame for what happened and she is the way she is in part because of her parents (other dd is super chill so I do think personality is also a factor) Ex will not let me see my dd and I'm afraid he is building a case against me or something because he had dd take photos, recorded conversations w me, and turns out, he knew perfectly well when he sent dd to talk to therapist to talk about what happened knowing the therapist is a mandatory reporter. He has a lawyer helping him. Not sure what he's trying to do, maybe challenge custody so he can get out of paying child support? Who knows. He is probably giddy now. I need to find a way to be able to talk to dd and not sure where/how since ex won't let me see her. I regret what happend and hope this one off lapse in judgement on my part will not ruin my relationship w dd. I take full ownership for smacking her. Have not been able to sleep or eat wracked with guilt and worry.

OP, Im sorry you lost your temper and used poor reactive judgment in the heat of the moment.
And I’m sorry that your teen is a bit out of control as well.
Ex isn’t helping in this nightmare, but I suggest you just give up fighting and agree to time apart IF that is what DD says she wants.
Apologize for the slap (because that was your part in the wrong). Take ownership that you responded poorly and impulsively. This was not the high road.
Then tell her your parameters (no phone at your home for two weeks—or whatever the original punishment was that resulted in her retaliating by hiding your phone—starting whenever she decides to resume visits). This is your non-negotiable and has nothing to do with the escalated events that followed.
If she doesn’t comply, then cede your time to dad and he can single parent for a while.
Remain calm and loving, but stand firm that you can’t allow her to behave the way she has been behaving with no consequences because that isn’t good for her.

[Anonymous]

+1 to all that PP said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. First off CPA has not come yet. Has been 3-4 days. Lawyers I talk to say different things: it may take them up to a month to come, talk to them or don't say anything... and that they will make my life miserable etc etc. I get that no lawyer is going to dissuade me from hiring them so will make it sound worse. This incident (as well as the comments I read here) has given me a moment to reflect on my own parenting style and hope to not be so reactive moving forth. I am much to blame for what happened and she is the way she is in part because of her parents (other dd is super chill so I do think personality is also a factor) Ex will not let me see my dd and I'm afraid he is building a case against me or something because he had dd take photos, recorded conversations w me, and turns out, he knew perfectly well when he sent dd to talk to therapist to talk about what happened knowing the therapist is a mandatory reporter. He has a lawyer helping him. Not sure what he's trying to do, maybe challenge custody so he can get out of paying child support? Who knows. He is probably giddy now. I need to find a way to be able to talk to dd and not sure where/how since ex won't let me see her. I regret what happend and hope this one off lapse in judgement on my part will not ruin my relationship w dd. I take full ownership for smacking her. Have not been able to sleep or eat wracked with guilt and worry.

You need a lawyer.

Like, yesterday.

[greencharter]

OK

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. First off CPA has not come yet. Has been 3-4 days. Lawyers I talk to say different things: it may take them up to a month to come, talk to them or don't say anything... and that they will make my life miserable etc etc. I get that no lawyer is going to dissuade me from hiring them so will make it sound worse. This incident (as well as the comments I read here) has given me a moment to reflect on my own parenting style and hope to not be so reactive moving forth. I am much to blame for what happened and she is the way she is in part because of her parents (other dd is super chill so I do think personality is also a factor) Ex will not let me see my dd and I'm afraid he is building a case against me or something because he had dd take photos, recorded conversations w me, and turns out, he knew perfectly well when he sent dd to talk to therapist to talk about what happened knowing the therapist is a mandatory reporter. He has a lawyer helping him. Not sure what he's trying to do, maybe challenge custody so he can get out of paying child support? Who knows. He is probably giddy now. I need to find a way to be able to talk to dd and not sure where/how since ex won't let me see her. I regret what happend and hope this one off lapse in judgement on my part will not ruin my relationship w dd. I take full ownership for smacking her. Have not been able to sleep or eat wracked with guilt and worry.

OP, Im sorry you lost your temper and used poor reactive judgment in the heat of the moment.
And I’m sorry that your teen is a bit out of control as well.
Ex isn’t helping in this nightmare, but I suggest you just give up fighting and agree to time apart IF that is what DD says she wants.
Apologize for the slap (because that was your part in the wrong). Take ownership that you responded poorly and impulsively. This was not the high road.
Then tell her your parameters (no phone at your home for two weeks—or whatever the original punishment was that resulted in her retaliating by hiding your phone—starting whenever she decides to resume visits). This is your non-negotiable and has nothing to do with the escalated events that followed.
If she doesn’t comply, then cede your time to dad and he can single parent for a while.
Remain calm and loving, but stand firm that you can’t allow her to behave the way she has been behaving with no consequences because that isn’t good for her.

+1 to all of this. Yes she was wrong but you were also wrong, arguably more wrong because you are an adult and should have more self control so you definitely need to apologize. I also think it's hard to impose a consequence on her without accepting one for yourself for what you did. It probably wouldn't hurt to take a parenting class.

[greencharter]

AGREE

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine how different this would have gone if mom posted that dad had slapped the kid. People would be giving all kinds of advice on how to get 100% custody for mom.

Instead, people are all “your kid deserved it.” This is insane.

The DD is playing Dad against mom. Dad is milking this even after knowing OP regrets what she did. The kid will be messed up in life if Dad continues to encourage this sort of behavior.

I agree with everything you said, but you don’t get to slap your kid and think that it won’t impact custody.

My husband's ex did all kinds of things to the kids and kept custody. It really depends on the judge. However, this sounds like a set up by dad and daughter. He is going to ruin this child if he encourages this behavior.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly the age when psychopathic traits become apparent. Sounds like it applies here.

[Anonymous]

Agree to this being 100% my fault. At this point, she doesn't owe me an apology, I do. I need to address my reactivity which is probably rooted from my own childhood and forge a new relationship with her. I was slapped when I was a kid by my dad and it was so shocking. Hopefully if I can change, she may calm down too. This should have never happened and never will. Ex will not let me see her so I wrote to her an heartfelt apology. I hope she reads it.

And yes, have a lawyer who says that this won't affect child custody at all but if he is crazy, he may get a restraining order against me. CPS has not come after almost 4 days so its not urgent to them. My biggest problem is my ex who is milking this for all its worth. Won't let me talk to dd, has blocked me on her phone, recorded our conversations and sent dd to talk to someone who he knew is a mandatory reporter and will report me to CPS. I've been saying this person was a therapist here because I didn't want to out myself too much but this person is more like a coach. It was weird to have dd talk about the incident to this person so its clear what he was trying to do.

[Anonymous]

OOps, forgot to comment as OP:

OP here: Agree to this being 100% my fault. At this point, she doesn't owe me an apology, I do. I need to address my reactivity which is probably rooted from my own childhood and forge a new relationship with her. I was slapped when I was a kid by my dad and it was so shocking. Hopefully if I can change, she may calm down too. This should have never happened and never will. Ex will not let me see her so I wrote to her an heartfelt apology. I hope she reads it.

And yes, have a lawyer who says that this won't affect child custody at all but if he is crazy, he may get a restraining order against me. CPS has not come after almost 4 days so its not urgent to them. My biggest problem is my ex who is milking this for all its worth. Won't let me talk to dd, has blocked me on her phone, recorded our conversations and sent dd to talk to someone who he knew is a mandatory reporter and will report me to CPS. I've been saying this person was a therapist here because I didn't want to out myself too much but this person is more like a coach. It was weird to have dd talk about the incident to this person so its clear what he was trying to do.

[Anonymous]

It's good to see you taking ownership of the situation. If it were me I'd pull her out of school maybe like one hour early (maybe on a day she has art or gym) and just have a chat in a place she feels comfortable. Then you can apologize and see if it's her not wanting to see you or him. Otherwise I'm not sure how you can be 100% sure he's blocking contact or if she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree to this being 100% my fault. At this point, she doesn't owe me an apology, I do. I need to address my reactivity which is probably rooted from my own childhood and forge a new relationship with her. I was slapped when I was a kid by my dad and it was so shocking. Hopefully if I can change, she may calm down too. This should have never happened and never will. Ex will not let me see her so I wrote to her an heartfelt apology. I hope she reads it.

And yes, have a lawyer who says that this won't affect child custody at all but if he is crazy, he may get a restraining order against me. CPS has not come after almost 4 days so its not urgent to them. My biggest problem is my ex who is milking this for all its worth. Won't let me talk to dd, has blocked me on her phone, recorded our conversations and sent dd to talk to someone who he knew is a mandatory reporter and will report me to CPS. I've been saying this person was a therapist here because I didn't want to out myself too much but this person is more like a coach. It was weird to have dd talk about the incident to this person so its clear what he was trying to do.

You both should apologize but her behavior was over the top and needs consequences. Who ever this person was, forget it and get your kid away from them if possible. CPS probably screened it out so I wouldn't worry about them and if they come, just tell them what happened. Tell them it was a one time incident, you feel horrible, know you handled it wrong but tried many other options to deal with the situation first.

When it is your custody time, go get her and call the police if he/she refuses and document it and file contempt on him if he will not hand her over for your time.

[Anonymous]

greencharter wrote:OK

Who are you?

[Anonymous]

Those on this thread minimizing domestic abuse/assault—hitting someone in the face!—should do some real soul searching.

Op, you need therapy and perhaps medication to deal with your anger. Parents are the adults. You have to get your own emotional house in order so you cannot be triggered/snap when children are acting childishly, which of course they will do because they are children.

Your ex may have legit concerns about his kid being with someone who became uncontrollably enraged and hit her in the face. The fact that you seem not to consider this possibility, and instead assume he is “milking” this situation, makes me wonder if you really are seeing things clearly.