13 year old dd and CPS

[Anonymous]

Cancel her phone. Period. And if she won't / hasn't give yours back, buy a new one. truthfully. She needs to know she doesn't have the power. Also grounded.

Then counseling, not for anger (b/c one slap does, while not ok, does not an "anger management" problem make) but how to deal with your teen.

[Anonymous]

OP here (I think my previous post got buried so posting again) Wow, thank you all for all your input and perspectives, good and bad. I take everything I read here with an open mind and heart. My ex undermines my parenting by always coming to take her away when she calls him when I am mad at her. She used to call me to be picked up when she fought with her father, but I wanted to respect his space for parenting, so I rarely did. I know exactly how exasperated he must be feeling, and I know he needed to parent in his own way. His insecurities about parenting are at the root of all this, so he needs to feel like a "hero" protecting his daughter. Re the iphone, he bought it for her and asked for it back and gave it back to her despite my telling him that I took away her phone privileges. Also, regarding the therapist, I don't know if my ex knew she would call the CPS when he asked her to see my dd to talk about what happened. I want to think he didn't and was surprised as much as me. The therapist is young and inexperienced. She probably went by the book and could not see the nuances of the actual need at that moment, which was to bring the family together instead of the knee-jerk reaction. She only reacted to the corporeal punishment (slap) and could not see the bigger picture. In my book, she failed as a therapist because she ultimately caused more harm than good. Lastly, I am reading mixed advice about CPS. It has been over 48 hours and no visit. I want to think they dropped the case, but should I not talk to them if they do visit?

[Anonymous]

I'm in shock about how many people here are condoning child abuse. If an adult slapped another adult it would absolutely be an arrest able assault and battery. Why do you think that is OK? If a husband slaps a wife because she said something rude, that would have to be OK too. WTAF is wrong with you people? This is much worse to do to a child than an adult and can have lasting life-long repercussions.

Emotionally mature adults don't slap anyone for words. She's been traumatized already by a divorce and now her mother slaps her in the face too. The therapist had to report this. Nothing will happen to you as a result (other than relationship deterioration) but it absolutely was child abuse. I promise you she will never forget that you did that and you have lost any chance of her respecting you. You can't discipline well without their respect, all you can do now is punish her. Your emotional immaturity needs therapy asap.

[Anonymous]

We had to deal with a cps worker once - nephew telling false stories for attention regarding his extended family. They visited my daughter at school and interviewed her first. Then contacted me. The interview they had with my daughter pretty much exonerated us as parents fully, so we did go ahead and cooperate. My husband talked to his mom and got really worked up/wanted to get a lawyer/deny the interview but I thought that would make it all worse and make us look guilty. Which we weren’t

[Anonymous]

You could be proactive and reach out to a lawyer

CPS might get in touch bc the complaint came from a therapist.

But maybe it’s better if your DD stays with her dad for the time being? Focus on your other DD for the time being and your DH can focus on the other. The fights with your DD will just escalate anyway so why out yourself and your other kid through that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here (I think my previous post got buried so posting again) Wow, thank you all for all your input and perspectives, good and bad. I take everything I read here with an open mind and heart. My ex undermines my parenting by always coming to take her away when she calls him when I am mad at her. She used to call me to be picked up when she fought with her father, but I wanted to respect his space for parenting, so I rarely did. I know exactly how exasperated he must be feeling, and I know he needed to parent in his own way. His insecurities about parenting are at the root of all this, so he needs to feel like a "hero" protecting his daughter. Re the iphone, he bought it for her and asked for it back and gave it back to her despite my telling him that I took away her phone privileges. Also, regarding the therapist, I don't know if my ex knew she would call the CPS when he asked her to see my dd to talk about what happened. I want to think he didn't and was surprised as much as me. The therapist is young and inexperienced. She probably went by the book and could not see the nuances of the actual need at that moment, which was to bring the family together instead of the knee-jerk reaction. She only reacted to the corporeal punishment (slap) and could not see the bigger picture. In my book, she failed as a therapist because she ultimately caused more harm than good. Lastly, I am reading mixed advice about CPS. It has been over 48 hours and no visit. I want to think they dropped the case, but should I not talk to them if they do visit?

If you get a visit, relax, tell them what happened and the issues with your ex. They will most likely close it out as they cannot be bothered with custody issues and teenage drama. Drop this therapist if you picked her/on your insurance. It wasn't a great plan to slap her but you know that. If there were no marks or bruises they aren't going to do anything but maybe tell you to take a parenting class. They can still come out next week but it's clearly not an emergency or priority so nothing will come of it.

You need to have a serious talk with your ex. You both should be supporting each other but not rescuing a child, and you are right in how you handle things with Dad. Let her stay there for a while and let her act out with him and let him figure it out.

Your kid knows she can manipulate and is doing it. I wish you the best as if Dad will not work with you, you are in a tuff spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had to deal with a cps worker once - nephew telling false stories for attention regarding his extended family. They visited my daughter at school and interviewed her first. Then contacted me. The interview they had with my daughter pretty much exonerated us as parents fully, so we did go ahead and cooperate. My husband talked to his mom and got really worked up/wanted to get a lawyer/deny the interview but I thought that would make it all worse and make us look guilty. Which we weren’t

You were lucky. We had a crazy CPS worker who really really wanted to pin something on us. Ended up needing to bump it up to more legally protected situations.

It's a gamble either way, but it's responsible to consult with a lawyer and find out what the options are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in shock about how many people here are condoning child abuse. If an adult slapped another adult it would absolutely be an arrest able assault and battery. Why do you think that is OK? If a husband slaps a wife because she said something rude, that would have to be OK too. WTAF is wrong with you people? This is much worse to do to a child than an adult and can have lasting life-long repercussions.

Emotionally mature adults don't slap anyone for words. She's been traumatized already by a divorce and now her mother slaps her in the face too. The therapist had to report this. Nothing will happen to you as a result (other than relationship deterioration) but it absolutely was child abuse. I promise you she will never forget that you did that and you have lost any chance of her respecting you. You can't discipline well without their respect, all you can do now is punish her. Your emotional immaturity needs therapy asap.

It was a slap when the kids behavior was out of control. It was not ok, but given the situation OP lost it when the kid was behaving so poorly. Mom's not saying she was right, she just said it happened. The bigger issue is the behavior that lead up to mom taking kid's phone, the fact that kid knows she can manipulate dad, etc.

[Anonymous]

Tell the father he does not have your permission to pick kid up when you have custody. Try to be friendly about it if you can, but be firm. If it is legally your day, tell him no.

Also, I suggest apologizing to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Cancel the phone. Send her to live with her dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13 yr old dd is snarky, mean and entitled. She disrespects authority, doesn't take consequences seriously and lacks true remorse. On the otherhand, she can act incredibly polished, polite and charming to strangers. Recently we had a situation where she threw a glass of water on her sibling/me during dinner, and when I took her phone privilege away for a week, she took my phone and hid it saying I can't have my phone until she gets hers back. In the ensuing argument, tempers rose, lot of F word, and when she called me a f*ing B, I lost it and smacked her in the face. She called my ex who came to pick her up. He had her go speak to her therapist who reported me to the CPS. I am still waiting for a visit (its been 2 days) but I am heartbroken how this has turned out. I regret smacking her on the cheek and plan to apologize when I see her but I am concerned about her behavior. Her iphone has been returned and there is no consequence to her behavior which was unacceptable. I'm wracked with anxiety waiting for the CPS to come. Any advice? Your thoughts? I am full of regret and sadness.

It depends on your state. Check your laws.

I think she deserved it, but unfortunately it’s not the solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oppositional defiant disorder, OP.

This.

And returning violence in this situation will only escalate her ODD.

It’s not uncommon with kids who have split families. It happens in other situations as well. It’s fairly common but it doesn’t have to be a permanent condition.

Yeah right

[Anonymous]

My advice is to deny the slap if CPS ever comes. Tell them your DD is difficult and likes to make things up to play victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would change your story to when she threw water on your face you moved and threw up your hands because you thought she might throw the glass and your hand glanced her cheek. Could it have happened like that?

I would stick to that story if cos is involved. That’s what they are going to want to hear to close the case. Get the other sibling on board with it was a chaotic night. Did you te t or leave a message to anyone with a different version?

Yes this is a great idea

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you did was entirely unnecessary understandable, OP. You have my sympathy.

CPS isn’t going to do a darn thing.

Her father and the therapist acted correctly in this situation.

Learn some psychology to outwit your difficult teen, and hang in there!

No they didn’t. Dad just wanted to be holier than though or maybe he is dumb and didn’t realize how the therapist is a mandatory reporter