13 year old dd and CPS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:CPS is slammed with work. It’s unlikely they took the case. If you get a poor worker who comes to interview you, go over their head to a supervisor and explain. I would also speak to the therapist privately and explain, and say that you need help managing this child at home. You may need family therapy with someone very experienced. You should definitely leave the room if tempers are getting hot.

If CPS does come, they will likely recommend you take a parenting class, which you might want to do anyway.

Phones are a strong currency. Once things have settled down, I would recommend sitting down with your child when you are both calm and saying that her phone will be taken away for X amount of time for extreme disrespect or throwing things. Make it clear ahead of time. Make the amount of time long enough so there is an impact, but not so that she loses hope. Provide a cheap flip phone in its place.

And obviously, if you can get your ex to meet and agree that you need to present a united front for certain behaviors at both houses, that would help. The impact on your other child should also be considered. I do think you need someone experienced to help with this.

-school psychologist

God advice but the issue is the kid is playing off both parents and mom does not own the phone and dad gave it right back. She should tell dad the phone is for his custody time only and get her a different phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancel the phone. Send her to live with her dad.

Yes, add abandonment to the abuse. Every girl dreams of having a mom who gives up on her.

Come on. This is not abuse.

I don’t hit my kids but I occasionally witness some totally unacceptable behavior and the kids could absolutely use a slap or spanking. I have one friend who screams, yells, hits, scratches and throws things at her family. The parents ask nicely for her to stop since yelling at her doesn’t work. I couldn’t help but think that if this girl threw food at me or purposely spilled soup or milk on the table, she would get severely punished. She is the one kid that I think a good old fashioned spanking would do her good. Of course I have never said this.

I'm 48 years old. When I was 13 (back in the late 80s) my Dad slapped me for talking back. It broke my tooth. I now have a cap, but it's never really looked right, so every single time I see myself in the mirror, it reminds me. I also occasionally (2-3 times a day) get a throb of pain in that tooth for a few seconds. More than thirty five years later.
No one can "use a slap" and the effects can last a life time.

I am so sorry this happened to you. I can not imagine the force it took to break your tooth.

Thank you.
My Dad claimed he really didn't hit me that hard. That he must have hit the tooth "just right." It's my front left tooth, so it's really prominent and visible.
My mom was out of state visiting family and this was in the morning before school. My dad called my mom and told her what happened, and they "let me" stay home from school that day (while they figured out what to do...)
When my dad took me to the dentist later that day, they told me to tell the dentist that I had been roughhousing with my younger brother and that's how it broke. They knew the dentist would be a mandated reporter. So that's what I did and I guess the dentist believed me.

pp with the broken tooth here again.

Oh, and this part. Sometime after this happened, my mom told me that she and my dad went to a counselor/parenting class and told the counselor what happened. She said that when they told the counselor about how I talked back that the counselor said "Yeah, I would have slapped her too!"
I honestly don't remember exactly how I "talked back"/what I said (I know I didn't use a swear word.) I don't know if my mom was lying that the counselor said that, or if there really are/were mandated reporters out there agreeing that it's ok to break children's teeth.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Do you track her cycle? This helps me to better understand my daughters mood and also when it's a lot of b****y hormones, I always make ashwagandha tea. It's amazing how it helps to calm the hormones. I also make sure to give her more space.

The part of being disrespectful didn't come overnight and it doesn't change overnight. But there has to be consequences.

When you talk to her to about what happened, I would suggest making it clear that things have gone too far and this things have got to change around the house.

Tell her exactly what needs to be done while also allowing space for her to do her own thing.

Also remember that they are our mirrors so they only know how to be respectful if we are respectful. Lead by example.

You can even talk about it. What does it mean to be respectful? How do you know when are respected? How does it make you feel? Etc.

The school mental health person or social worker will probably have some good resources too. I would make an inquiry. (Plus it shows good faith to CPS).

I'm sorry that happened but maybe it is the growing pain of a better relationship between you 2 coming. Praying for you!

[Anonymous]

OP here. First off CPA has not come yet. Has been 3-4 days. Lawyers I talk to say different things: it may take them up to a month to come, talk to them or don't say anything... and that they will make my life miserable etc etc. I get that no lawyer is going to dissuade me from hiring them so will make it sound worse. This incident (as well as the comments I read here) has given me a moment to reflect on my own parenting style and hope to not be so reactive moving forth. I am much to blame for what happened and she is the way she is in part because of her parents (other dd is super chill so I do think personality is also a factor) Ex will not let me see my dd and I'm afraid he is building a case against me or something because he had dd take photos, recorded conversations w me, and turns out, he knew perfectly well when he sent dd to talk to therapist to talk about what happened knowing the therapist is a mandatory reporter. He has a lawyer helping him. Not sure what he's trying to do, maybe challenge custody so he can get out of paying child support? Who knows. He is probably giddy now. I need to find a way to be able to talk to dd and not sure where/how since ex won't let me see her. I regret what happend and hope this one off lapse in judgement on my part will not ruin my relationship w dd. I take full ownership for smacking her. Have not been able to sleep or eat wracked with guilt and worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. First off CPA has not come yet. Has been 3-4 days. Lawyers I talk to say different things: it may take them up to a month to come, talk to them or don't say anything... and that they will make my life miserable etc etc. I get that no lawyer is going to dissuade me from hiring them so will make it sound worse. This incident (as well as the comments I read here) has given me a moment to reflect on my own parenting style and hope to not be so reactive moving forth. I am much to blame for what happened and she is the way she is in part because of her parents (other dd is super chill so I do think personality is also a factor) Ex will not let me see my dd and I'm afraid he is building a case against me or something because he had dd take photos, recorded conversations w me, and turns out, he knew perfectly well when he sent dd to talk to therapist to talk about what happened knowing the therapist is a mandatory reporter. He has a lawyer helping him. Not sure what he's trying to do, maybe challenge custody so he can get out of paying child support? Who knows. He is probably giddy now. I need to find a way to be able to talk to dd and not sure where/how since ex won't let me see her. I regret what happend and hope this one off lapse in judgement on my part will not ruin my relationship w dd. I take full ownership for smacking her. Have not been able to sleep or eat wracked with guilt and worry.

Dont you have a regular lawyer, that handled your divorce, custody, etc.? That is who you need to be in touch with. Your ex likely is trying to reverse your current custody agreement. Get to your regular lawyer
ASAP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. First off CPA has not come yet. Has been 3-4 days. Lawyers I talk to say different things: it may take them up to a month to come, talk to them or don't say anything... and that they will make my life miserable etc etc. I get that no lawyer is going to dissuade me from hiring them so will make it sound worse. This incident (as well as the comments I read here) has given me a moment to reflect on my own parenting style and hope to not be so reactive moving forth. I am much to blame for what happened and she is the way she is in part because of her parents (other dd is super chill so I do think personality is also a factor) Ex will not let me see my dd and I'm afraid he is building a case against me or something because he had dd take photos, recorded conversations w me, and turns out, he knew perfectly well when he sent dd to talk to therapist to talk about what happened knowing the therapist is a mandatory reporter. He has a lawyer helping him. Not sure what he's trying to do, maybe challenge custody so he can get out of paying child support? Who knows. He is probably giddy now. I need to find a way to be able to talk to dd and not sure where/how since ex won't let me see her. I regret what happend and hope this one off lapse in judgement on my part will not ruin my relationship w dd. I take full ownership for smacking her. Have not been able to sleep or eat wracked with guilt and worry.

You need a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your ex remarried? Or does he have someone who could help him raise a teen? If not, call his bluff and let him have her for some time. One month with her and her attitude and he will beg you to take her back.

[Anonymous]

And don't beat yourself over this. Your DD sounds like a brat who is manipulating both parents.

[Anonymous]

I cannot even imagine how different this would have gone if mom posted that dad had slapped the kid. People would be giving all kinds of advice on how to get 100% custody for mom.

Instead, people are all “your kid deserved it.” This is insane.

[Anonymous]

Get a lawyer and get your custody time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would smack my kid across the face if she called me those words too.
Stop stressing about cps. They’re probably not coming but if they do just explain the situation.
Assuming this is the first time you’ve done this no one is getting arrested or taken away.
Why has the phone not been taken away for longer? And I wouldn’t apologize for the slap either, she deserved it.

This. Actually, the look I’d give my 13 yo would be so terrifying, she would burst in to tears apologizing profusely. I wouldn’t even need to smack her.

That said, taking the phone away might not be feasible since you’re divorced and she likely needs to be able to contact both parents. BUT with an iPhone, you can lock down on all extras - social media, etc. Which is what is probably do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d cut off service to that phone number. You need anger management or parenting classes or something though.

So please do tell us what you would do if your kid threw water on you and then called you a f### b. How old are your kids? You sound like a raging sanctimommy who had no idea but all the answers.

Please outline. I'm sure I'll believe everything you write.

--NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine how different this would have gone if mom posted that dad had slapped the kid. People would be giving all kinds of advice on how to get 100% custody for mom.

Instead, people are all “your kid deserved it.” This is insane.

The DD is playing Dad against mom. Dad is milking this even after knowing OP regrets what she did. The kid will be messed up in life if Dad continues to encourage this sort of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine how different this would have gone if mom posted that dad had slapped the kid. People would be giving all kinds of advice on how to get 100% custody for mom.

Instead, people are all “your kid deserved it.” This is insane.

The DD is playing Dad against mom. Dad is milking this even after knowing OP regrets what she did. The kid will be messed up in life if Dad continues to encourage this sort of behavior.

I agree with everything you said, but you don’t get to slap your kid and think that it won’t impact custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot even imagine how different this would have gone if mom posted that dad had slapped the kid. People would be giving all kinds of advice on how to get 100% custody for mom.

Instead, people are all “your kid deserved it.” This is insane.

The DD is playing Dad against mom. Dad is milking this even after knowing OP regrets what she did. The kid will be messed up in life if Dad continues to encourage this sort of behavior.

I agree with everything you said, but you don’t get to slap your kid and think that it won’t impact custody.

Since I have not been in that situation I honestly don't know how it impacts custody. Can custody be taken away for a slap? I mean we have heard worse things on the news - drugs, neglect, you name it and they still have custody