Husband decided to keep kids home today without talking to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You care more about being "right" than about your kids health or happiness.

You are a garbage human being.

You are a troll or an idiot if this is your takeaway. You are the garbage human being.

[Anonymous]

Keep your sick kid home and stop being selfish.

[Anonymous]

God! Do you hate your kids this much?

[Anonymous]

I’m team DH. Schools were closed, one kid was sick.

How many kids and what are their ages OP?

[Anonymous]

Your DH is an ass but so are you for your willingness to send a sick child to daycare on a snow day no less.

[Anonymous]

While I don’t necessarily disagree with you, it’s funny that you think his unilateral decision to keep kids home is different or less valid than your unilateral decision to send them to care.

I’m with some of the other posters in that I agree that having two parents that WAH should mean care should be able to be patched together for a day. That’s not perfect care, it’s screen time, and a whole bunch of other things. This is especially as one kid is under the weather and it’s a snow day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
There comes a point when a parent has had enough, if their parenting decisions are constantly second-guessed by their spouse, even though they shoulder most of the parenting, and they are constantly made to feel as if, by virtue of being male, they need to always ask permission and change their parenting plans if their wife does not agree.

Lots of men have anger management problems. But here... maybe you're just too annoying to deal with, and he's had enough.

I'm a wife and mother who has witnessed fathers being verbally abusive. I'm not getting that vibe here.

DP, I agree, that's the vibe i got from OP. I am also a wife if that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH, sending sick kid to daycare, how horrible for all.

He’s not sick. He has a runny nose. We kept him out a day last week for it. I took those days off. Sending him today would mean basically him being there for 5 hours with the late arrival. He will play inside. DH meanwhile is dragging him sledding now. I’ve missed many days of work staying home with him and taking him to the doctor, and DH never does those appointments.

There's a lot to unpack here

My view:

1. It's okay for either parent to decide to keep a kid home so long as they aren't putting the burden on the other parent for childcare.

2. If he's well enough for school he's well enough to go sledding with dad
3. Your husband should not shout at you slam doors, accuse you of being a bad mom. That's abusive and destructive behavior. He doesn't get to take his mommy issues out on you and you have to have a serious chat about that.

4. The heart of the issue seems to be you're tired of DH playing Mr. Fun Guy while doing none of the hard part of parenting all while calling you a bad mom. Again time for a come to Jesus moment and therapy. There's work to be done.

[Anonymous]

It is illegal and fraud to wfh when you have children at home without childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is illegal and fraud to wfh when you have children at home without childcare

umm, no. where did you get that idea? cite please.

[Anonymous]

I would love to hear OP's husband's POV. I bet it's very different.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure if you believe your husband to be rational about his dislike of childcare, or if you just expect him to go along with whatever you want because who is he to even discuss what he went through and what he wants for his children and life? Even if he had no bad experiences, he doesn’t have the option with you to discuss what he’d like. It doesn’t mean he’ll get it, but being married to someone who tells you to “just live with it” when that person is living and doing exactly as they please can really destroy a marriage. Also, he’s smart not to go to therapy, it’s not like you will listen, and you may even get the therapist to go along with you. I wouldn’t go to therapy with you either, op, not on this issue.

I’d sit down with your husband and ask him what he wants going forward. Would he prefer you stay home/ My husband is happier with me being home.
It’s strange though that he wants you to work from home, I wouldn’t, not with children and a husband at home, men simply prioritize things differently. I’d tell him I can work outside the home or I can be a mom, I can’t and won’t do both.
I do agree with you that getting the kids out of childcare early is stupid. If they are going, they go all day. If they need or want extra mom time then I stay home and give them all the mom time they want. If husband is thinking they need extra mom time, he can support our family. Harsh, but there it is.
Do your due diligence and make sure he isn’t mentally ill. Fine to want your kids to have a stay at home mom, not fine to refuse them Scouts or other activities because “something might happen” or “the kids don’t need it” or “my mom never let me do it”.
The slamming doors would be something I’d nip in the bud, and I am worried for you because he wanted the kids home then he took them out for what exactly? Unless h came home with your favorite doughnuts and favorite morning beverage for you then he may be real trouble.

I’d start though by asking him specifically what he wants, and just how far no childcare goes with him. The women I know who talk about no childcare ever are well, a bit nutty. The ones who say “I can be a mom better then daycare can and yes my kids do other activities are generally more normal. I’m not sure if your husband is ill, or is so frustrated at not being heard.. again, that he’s acting ill. There is a difference. You can also just divorce him too. I worry who he’d find as a stepmom, but that isn’t my problem. It might e for you though so be ready. There are a lot of women who want to stay home and do nothing.

[Anonymous]

I've been skeptical all along that OP is a reliable narrator here.

Another thing that has been bugging me about this thread is the very framing of the first question: that her DH "unilaterally decided" to keep the kids home. I'd like to know how that played out in practice.

In scenario 1, OP and DH literally have no conversation about childcare. And the children stay home. This seems like it couldn't have happened, because if it did, there was no "unilateral decision" on DH's part. He just defaulted to keeping the kids home since no discussion was had. Which really doesn't match what OP is claiming happened.

In scenario 2, OP and DH have a conversation about childcare. During said conversation, OP presumably said her position (send kids to daycare) and DH said to keep them home. Presumably this is when the fight ensued. And kids stay home, because again it's the default position.

In no scenario is DH "unilaterally" deciding to do something without communication to OP.

[Anonymous]

So. Wife here.

Snow days happen because there is an assessment by the district that for the health and safety of the kids, it’s better for them to stay home. Keeps people off bad roads during bad weather which is a net positive for everyone.

Kid with a runny nose is a sick kid. They might be mildly sick, but it’s a dick move to send your mildly sick kid to infect the other kids at the preschool when you don’t have to.

Years ago DH and I had both started new jobs, still in probation. We had to send our 1 y/o to daycare. We’d had a rough couple of years of unemployment and desperately needed the jobs. Like had barely saved our home from foreclosure rough few years. Neither of us had sick time, kid had to go to daycare. It’s still years later one of the worst moments I remember as a parent. We were in compliance with the school sick policy, but it felt awful. I get that sometimes you don’t really have a choice…but this doesn’t feel like that.

I need more information OP, is DH the primary breadwinner? What’s the proportion of income? I ask because if DH is making 4x what you make, then yeah that’s the job that is the priority, if you’re the primary breadwinner then your job is the priority.

In my household we don’t need to consult with the other to decide to keep the kid home, because if either of us feels like that’s what’s best for the kid then that’s the priority. I’ve made that call and DH had to rearrange, DH has made that call and I’ve had to rearrange. Health, safety, comes first. If either parent makes the decision is that the person who will generally stay home? Sure. But that doesn’t always work out. But we trust that the other parent might have been more in tune with things and trust each other’s judgement.

I’m struggling with the narrative of abuse here. OP, it sounds like you wanted to send your children out of the house on a day deemed best to stay home and while I’m not saying you’re a bad mom or that your DH was appropriate in yelling, this seems to be a case of missing missing reasons. Especially since it also sounds like the kids were with him the bulk of the day.

Also, I think it’s REALLY interesting that your DH is willing to go to therapy but only if you don’t try to spin the narrative that he’s the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

My guess is that he is triggered by your actions and is transferring his feelings about his childhood onto you when you express that you need to work rather than watch the kids. Sounds like he needs to go to therapy. He seems to get irrationally angry when this happens.