Husband decided to keep kids home today without talking to me

[Anonymous]

I am increasingly feeling like my DH of 10 years has become more controlling and is emotionally and verbally abusive since we have had kids. An example would be this morning, the kids were both supposed to go to school but MoCo called a snow day. Elder child could go to the aftercare program that is open all day. Younger child who had a small cold and was home yesterday could go to preschool that opened at 10. DH decides they are staying home without discussing the decision with me, when I wanted to send them both in. (We both WFH but he hates child care because of bad experiences he had as a kid of a single mom who was always in care so he constantly wants to minimize the hours they are in care, even if it impacts our working hours.)

I get upset at him because he tells the kids they are staying home without even talking to me. I explain I have a lot of work to do that I’m behind on and he yells at me, slams a door, tells me I am being a baby because we all have work to do and when the kids stay home he is the one watching them anyway, and that I’m not a team player because my Excel spreadsheet is more important than my family, etc. Does all this in front of our kids. When I ask him when his meetings are today so I can cover for him, he refuses to answer. He storms around the house angrily, is now not speaking to me, and just loaded the kids up in the car for an errand and is refusing to talk to me.

This isn’t normal, right? Are there husbands out there who would discuss the childcare decision of the day with their wife and not unilaterally make a decision without taking their partner’s opinion into consideration? It’s not normal to yell, slam doors, and fight in front of kids, right? I’m not a bad mom for wanting to be a responsible employee, and do my job, and use the child care I pay for, right?

And yes, I have asked him for years to do therapy (he says either the problem is me and I need to go alone and that will fix our problems or he says he will go but not if I lie the whole time about our relationship and force him to defend himself to a therapist).

[Anonymous]

Neither of us would make a decision about keeping kids home when childcare options were available without consulting the other. We disagree and annoy each other but we do not yell, fight or slam doors. I do not think it is healthy for kid to see adults behaving like that

[Anonymous]

Assuming your perspective is accurate, no not normal. And certainly not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Not normal not to discuss but I’d also be annoyed with a spouse that wasn’t inclined to keep the kids around whenever possible.

[Anonymous]

If he is not working today and is going to do 100% of the childcare, then I can see an argument that it's ok. But he cannot make decisions about you and your time unilaterally.

[Anonymous]

I could see keeping the children at home without discussion if he's the one taking care of them. And given his background, I would cut him some slack on this. The rest of the stuff is childish.

[Anonymous]

Pretty awful to send your kids to child care on a snow day when you WFH honestly. But DH behaved badly too.

[Anonymous]

This is not a good advertisement for WFH.

[Anonymous]

Op here. He didn’t take the day off. He cancelled one meeting but has another one this afternoon. He will expect me to jump in on childcare the moment he gets back and will tell me how much time I got to work (a whopping 2 hours) because of all he did this morning and how I don’t get to complain because he “gave me time.” He acts like I am a bad person for wanting to send the kids to care when I took time off last week for sick kids and to accommodate his work travel and late arrival at school.

[Anonymous]

This is a two part problem. One is spouses not respecting each other. Other isn't being on same page about parenting.

If he is the one who'll be taking care of the kids as you rather them be out of the house, he probably doesn't like you've a say in this. Its children's home too, they don't need to to leave if one parent wants to let be kids on a snowy day when schools are closed.

[Anonymous]

I’m not saying it doesn’t suck, but at least you know why he is reacting this way. His childhood is creating his reaction. Honestly I’d put a movie on for the kids and roll with it as best you can. He’s being irrational for a reason.

[Anonymous]

I suspect many years of not seeing eye-to-eye are playing into your husband's and your tendencies to poor communication and poor conflict management.

He is correct in the childcare decision (icy roads, younger kid has a cold, parental care at home may be better than daycare). He should have looped you into the decision-making but clearly knows you wouldn't have agreed and it would have led to an argument. He can't win, because you're going to argue regardless and accuse him of being controlling and abusive.

You're coming across as the gaslighting one, in the way you dismiss his opinions, his decision-making and accuse him of behaviors that really aren't obvious in the situation you describe.

Maybe the reality is different and you left out a lot of relevant information, but as it stands right now, my sympathies are with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible for you to help out during hours you can and let him know you are busy from this time to this time so he is on his own for childcare as its his decision?

Why not put egos away and make it a good day for all. Kids will be grown and flown in a blink of an eye, let them be children and relax at home on a snowy day.

[Anonymous]

There comes a point when a parent has had enough, if their parenting decisions are constantly second-guessed by their spouse, even though they shoulder most of the parenting, and they are constantly made to feel as if, by virtue of being male, they need to always ask permission and change their parenting plans if their wife does not agree.

Lots of men have anger management problems. But here... maybe you're just too annoying to deal with, and he's had enough.

I'm a wife and mother who has witnessed fathers being verbally abusive. I'm not getting that vibe here.

[Anonymous]

What's the point in both parents WFH if kid's can't stay home on a day they have cold or if schools are closed?

Jobs are mainly there to support lives and make them easier and happier. Not to proof your efficiency to employer as a responsible employee. No employer will remember that, your kids most certainly will.