Husband decided to keep kids home today without talking to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those threads where I would love to hear the DH's side.

OP keeps complaining about all the childcare she needs to do today because -gasp- her husband didn't cancel one remaining meeting this afternoon. Meanwhile her DH has taken their preschool and ES age kids out for errands and then pivoted to take them sledding. Sounds like a pretty great dad making the best of a WFH snow day.

His stomping and slamming doors and yelling in front of the kids is obviously not acceptable, but I suspect it was in response to OP escalating things first.

I agree. In the OP the story goes 1. DH keeps the kids home 2. OP gets upset 3. DH yells, screams, slams doors, alleges he cares about her spreadsheet more than her children, leaves without speaking.

I see a major plot hole. OP, I get that you want us to see DH as the bad guy in your story, but what does “I got upset” mean?

[Anonymous]

You care more about being "right" than about your kids health or happiness.

You are a garbage human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You care more about being "right" than about your kids health or happiness.

You are a garbage human being.

Who is writing this the dad who slams doors in front of his kids or doesn't discuss things with his wife?

Sheesh - he's not a garbage human being he needs help to learn how to communicate; she is not a garbage human being she wants what is best for her kids and they will not be destroyed by daycare. They will be destroyed learning that you run when you are mad; you shout when you don't get your way and that only one parent makes the rules.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am going to make an observation that comes from my marriage.

When a couple experiences real trouble trying to resolve conflict and especially if one person views disagreement as the other person simply being "wrong," the other person may get around this by acting unilaterally, or acting first, and then telling later, rather than trying to work things out. In this case, which very much described many situations in our marriage, both people are failing to communicate properly and need to learn how to listen to each other and come to compromise, even if they do not agree.

In my case, my spouse was the one to often preemptively make decisions and he experienced my disagreement as criticism of him. He often would shout me down or become very argumentative when we disagreed so we didn't handle conflict well. As a result, I would go around him to get things done that I felt were necessary/appropriate, which is part of my conflict averse nature but of course that would also make him angry, understandably. We had to really learn to slow down and listen to each other, respect each other's opinions even if we disagreed, and find ways to discuss things calmly.

In this case, your anger at your husband's unilteral decision making is understandable, but I urge you to explore why he is doing this. There is a clear pattern of disagreement over childcare, and you clearly feel he is "wrong". Perhaps if you were able to discuss the actual issues--the differences you have around this issue, while respectig each others positions, you can come to a compromise. The fact that he wants to keep kids home, engage with them, etc is a good thing, and it also comes from his life experiences. You seem to just thing he is wrong wrong wrong and view its impact only on you. Listen to him, ask him to listen to you, without getting in a fight and try to come up with some compromises. But it also means admitting that you are not 100% correct on this issue, which I have a feeling may be difficult for you.

[Anonymous]

It's not normal. Can you get a coworking space to get away from him during the work day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for you to help out during hours you can and let him know you are busy from this time to this time so he is on his own for childcare as its his decision?

Why not put egos away and make it a good day for all. Kids will be grown and flown in a blink of an eye, let them be children and relax at home on a snowy day.

+1

Screaming at each other or making the other parent out to be the bad guy is not a good look for the kids. Come on, you two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am going to make an observation that comes from my marriage.

When a couple experiences real trouble trying to resolve conflict and especially if one person views disagreement as the other person simply being "wrong," the other person may get around this by acting unilaterally, or acting first, and then telling later, rather than trying to work things out. In this case, which very much described many situations in our marriage, both people are failing to communicate properly and need to learn how to listen to each other and come to compromise, even if they do not agree.

In my case, my spouse was the one to often preemptively make decisions and he experienced my disagreement as criticism of him. He often would shout me down or become very argumentative when we disagreed so we didn't handle conflict well. As a result, I would go around him to get things done that I felt were necessary/appropriate, which is part of my conflict averse nature but of course that would also make him angry, understandably. We had to really learn to slow down and listen to each other, respect each other's opinions even if we disagreed, and find ways to discuss things calmly.

In this case, your anger at your husband's unilteral decision making is understandable, but I urge you to explore why he is doing this. There is a clear pattern of disagreement over childcare, and you clearly feel he is "wrong". Perhaps if you were able to discuss the actual issues--the differences you have around this issue, while respectig each others positions, you can come to a compromise. The fact that he wants to keep kids home, engage with them, etc is a good thing, and it also comes from his life experiences. You seem to just thing he is wrong wrong wrong and view its impact only on you. Listen to him, ask him to listen to you, without getting in a fight and try to come up with some compromises. But it also means admitting that you are not 100% correct on this issue, which I have a feeling may be difficult for you.

This is really observant. We've had a similar issue in our marriage. In my case, I was the one who preemptively made a decision related to our children and put my spouse on the defensive. Specifically, I choose to aggressively fund their 529 plans (from my salary) over his objections. I just feel very strongly that I'm right on this issue, and whenever it comes up, we end up in a very bad place. Because it relates to our children, it's emotional and hard for me to even hear him out. Whenever he gets defensive, I feel like he's harming our children. I honestly think in your case, I'd drop it and let him watch the kids all day since it's an emotional issue for him. But, in your case, I might get my backpack and go to a coffee shop or a study room at a library to work.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like maybe you should go back to the office, not wfh, and reclaim your time to focus.

[Anonymous]

I might make the unilateral decision to pull my kids out of childcare but only if I was ready to have sole responsibility for them all day.

But no, I wouldn’t pull them out and then expect my coparent to entertain them.

[Anonymous]

I firmly believe we women need our own planet to raise our kids and not have man kids messing up the household. They can make arrangements for booty calls but they can never ever come to our planet.

If you're going to dream do it BIG.

OP, he's a shit. It's NOT normal behavior. I wish I had advice but we almost all go through this and I believe it's the number 1 reason we women start thinking divorce. The men either outgrow that selfishness or not. It all depends on how much you are willing to put up with and how much the kids don't deserve that behavior. That is not household harmony. Kids need home to be their sanctuary too. Time to sit him down and review the house rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I firmly believe we women need our own planet to raise our kids and not have man kids messing up the household. They can make arrangements for booty calls but they can never ever come to our planet.

If you're going to dream do it BIG.

OP, he's a shit. It's NOT normal behavior. I wish I had advice but we almost all go through this and I believe it's the number 1 reason we women start thinking divorce. The men either outgrow that selfishness or not. It all depends on how much you are willing to put up with and how much the kids don't deserve that behavior. That is not household harmony. Kids need home to be their sanctuary too. Time to sit him down and review the house rules.

This is a pretty unhinged response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband does not like childcare and apparently has good reason. You need to start with that, seems like you are blowing it off.

He can quit his job and become a SAHD if he feels so strongly about the issue.

Sounds like he took care of the kids today so I don’t understand why OP controls.

[Anonymous]

“ honey I’m going to go work from Starbucks for a few hours today, do you want me to get the kids from childcare on my way home or are you keeping them at home today?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty awful to send your kids to child care on a snow day when you WFH honestly. But DH behaved badly too.

This

Both of you sound insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Either my husband or I might make this decision without consulting the other (one kid has to get on the bus at 5:45am so we are not going to wake the other one up for a consult — we trade off days with her). And then, we would bounce around to cover the day. But we are generally reasonable people who generally get along well.