Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids at 42 and 44, took less than three months to get pregnant each time. Kids are perfectly healthy and smart. Leave her alone.

Yes, 44 year old women are as fertile as 34 and 24 year old women!

Some women at age 44 are more fertile than some (unlucky) women at 30. PP is one of the lucky fertile Myrtles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see both sides of this.
Personally I started trying at 34 and ended up having 9 rounds of IVF in total due to diminished ovarian reserve. Was extremely lucky to have my two daughters at 37 and 41 but it was a LONG, SAD ROAD.

I was vocal with a few close friends (I don't have a sister) and truly if someone else didn't go through it they just didnt get it.

I can't remember exactly what I said to people that would ask back then but it was probably "we'll see".

BUT. I also agree that the proliferation of seeing celebs well into their 40's having kids does not help. They never mention that it was donor eggs or surrogates or that they had been making embryos and putting them on ice for past decade. I know several women who are smart and talented be completely SHOCKED at 40 that they can't get pregnant. SHOCKED.

So I say if you have a good relationship just lightly bring it up and tell her you're here to support her no matter what but you just wanted to ask.

Also most OBGYN's have the wrong advice and don't run the right tests. Straight to the RE's office.

I think this is really good advice.

I was also on this long and sometimes very sad road. I felt too ashamed to ever bring it up to my sister. I wish I had confided in her more because I know she would have been so supportive. Instead, I had 4 quiet D&Cs that no one except my husband knew about.

[Anonymous]

If she's wealthy and can afford IVF or is willing to adopt, then she could wait up to 55 (that's when most organizations "cut off".). And she should. Cameren Diaz, Donna Mills, Brigette Neilson, Jane Seymore, the list goes on and on... all 50 plus parents (except Cameron who was 47)

[Anonymous]

If she brings it up unprompted, and you have a close relationship, I'd mention it once and drop it.

It's an extremely personal issue, so tread lightly.

I've always wanted kids, but had a hard time dating and finding a partner. Finally married in my early 30s but ran into relationship issues soon after. It was a dark period, made much worse by nosy relatives (parents and aunts) constantly bringing up the topic of having children. I did not want to disclose my relationship issues to them, and their well meaning advice/caution were extremely intrusive and damaging.

You don't know what goes on in other people's marriages and what's holding her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people will tell you to mind your own business. Personally, I think you should bring it up. I would with my sister. It would be different if she wasn’t married and saying she wanted to have children. Some people just don’t pay attention and understand that fertility issues are real. So many famous people have kids later in life so it makes people think they can too.

Do people really think that someone who genuinely wants children waits to have them just they saw some celebrity postponing pregnancy?

My sister waited until she was 37 to try to have kids. Her husband took a while to decide he wanted to get married - so it wasn’t the same situation. But she was really surprised when she couldn’t get pregnant. Like shocked. She thought she’d have no problems. She’s very smart and successful. You’d be surprised what people don’t realize with fertility.

Yes, she might have been shocked to realize she was having issues. The point I'm trying to make is that, not matter how clueless you are about your fertility, if you're ready to have kids and want them, you'll try having them. If you're postponing motherhood you're probably doing it because you're not very interested in having children or there is something else going on in your life that makes having children a bad idea.

+1 - This. I ended up doing IVF and it’s amazing once you are pregnant with an IVF baby how many people you know also used IUIs, donor sperm, IVF, etc. But the unspoken secret is that no one talk about it - especially when all the happy talk is about weddings and honeymoons. It’s incredibly realistic that an educated, successful 37yr old in a place like DC where 35-42 yr old pregnant people are normal, would have the perception that her coworkers and acquaintances got pregnant easily at 37/8/9 when in fact many of them may have used help. I know my secret came out when I saw a coworker in the Shady Grove waiting room and she tipped me off to others and then I was welcomed into their secret club. However we REALLY wanted kids and I knew the stats and pushed to get tests 3mo after my wedding and start IUIs at 6mo. I knew we couldn’t mess around with “wait and see”.

+2 If it's someone close to me I'd say something when they brought up waiting. Along the lines of "It makes sense to wait until you're ready. Have you considered getting yourself and DH tested for fertility issues? That would give you information so you know if you should freeze embryos now as it gets a lot harder after 40".

OP I can relate. My brother and his wife are either waiting like OP's sister or are going through fertility issues. If he were to say "Oh we're not ready, we want to enjoy our marriage" I'd 100% say the above. But they haven't so I assume they are trying. All their friends are having babies and they definitely want at least one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I started trying to have a child at 38, because I really had no idea this was such an advanced age to have a child. Everyone believes that today women can easily conceive into their late 40's, and I'm not sure where the idea comes from, but it isn't true. Some women can, sure. Others can only with fertility treatments, up to and including donor eggs. My husband and I suffered through 4 years of painful, depressing infertility and we did all the treatments except donor eggs before I finally managed to have a child at 42.

The idea that women can have children easily at any age, or that it's guaranteed because of medical treatment, is unfortunately a very harmful myth. Sounds like your sister believes in it, and I know from experience that there is nothing you can say to dissuade a person from it. Everyone has an anecdote about a woman who had a bunch of kids in her 40's, and think that's proof of something.

With all the information out there today, it’s very unlikely that a 38 year old thinks it’s easy to conceive at older ages. 40+ year olds who have kids easily are lucky and probably know they are fertile because they have a strong family history of high fertility and successful late pregnancies. As another poster mentioned, there’s women at 45 who get pregnant as easily as a 30 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I started trying to have a child at 38, because I really had no idea this was such an advanced age to have a child. Everyone believes that today women can easily conceive into their late 40's, and I'm not sure where the idea comes from, but it isn't true. Some women can, sure. Others can only with fertility treatments, up to and including donor eggs. My husband and I suffered through 4 years of painful, depressing infertility and we did all the treatments except donor eggs before I finally managed to have a child at 42.

The idea that women can have children easily at any age, or that it's guaranteed because of medical treatment, is unfortunately a very harmful myth. Sounds like your sister believes in it, and I know from experience that there is nothing you can say to dissuade a person from it. Everyone has an anecdote about a woman who had a bunch of kids in her 40's, and think that's proof of something.

With all the information out there today, it’s very unlikely that a 38 year old thinks it’s easy to conceive at older ages. 40+ year olds who have kids easily are lucky and probably know they are fertile because they have a strong family history of high fertility and successful late pregnancies. As another poster mentioned, there’s women at 45 who get pregnant as easily as a 30 year old.

DP

I disagree. Most families in the DMV have kids at 35 or later. It's the norm. What many people don't know is how common it is to need fertility treatment to get pregnant at those ages and that if you wait past 40 you are really gambling with whether or not you will be able to have a biological child. People who have kids past 40 get a lot of attention which hides the fact that so many people cannot, and a good portion of those that do use IVF and donor eggs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all you know, they have been trying for awhile and having fertility issues they do not care to share. This was the case for us FWIW.

Regardless- MYOB

This!