Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am one of these people. I am turning 37 soon and we doing IVF. We tried to get pregnant twice one at 34 and another when I was 35. Ectopic pregnancies that required removal of both my tubes.

At 36 I started at Shady Grove and we have 3 embryos. We will do a transfer in February.

I am terrified about my fertility but it takes so long.

Just as an FYI - ectopics and tube removal is a telltale sign of really bad endo. If transfer #1 doesn't work out ask about lap or endo suppressive therapy before wasting your other embryos.

[Anonymous]

I think what I wasn't prepared for in my fertility journey is that there are untreatable fertility conditions that IVF can't fix. I have one of them. It's definitely age related because I have children. That said, me having "younger" embryos wouldn't have solved the issue. So there is literally nothing I can do other than wish I had found my husband sooner.

[Anonymous]

The lack of awareness is exacerbated (caused?!) by stories in the media about celebrities having kids in their 40s without mentioning all the medical interventions needed to achieve said kids.

It's very important for women to talk openly and honestly about the window of fertility, the published stats and research, and also the cost of fertility medicine and interventions!

Family planning, birth control and its inverse, and even menopause, ALL need to be more openly discussed and understood by all women. I'm almost 50 and I am still surprised by how little people know.

[Anonymous]

You cannot being this up. You don't know if they're going through struggles with infertility or their marriage or changed their mind on having any. Leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister (38) and husband (37) have been married for around 4 years. When she was about to get married, she mentioned she wanted wanted kids some day, but she wanted to enjoy the marriage first. I know I might be nosy, but the fact she mentioned again that she was "waiting" to have kids made me worried. I have several friends/family members who postponed children until their late 30s for reasons ranging from advancing their careers, travelling to just not being sure if they wanted children, who then started having trouble to conceive or who didn't manage to conceive at all. I'm afraid my sister and her husband may end up having troubles if they keep postponing having children, and they don't even seem to be bothered that the window might close. I've seen the emotional toll that infertility took on my friends and I don't want my sister to go trough the same. How can I bring this up in a respectful way?

You can’t, unless you want to ruin the relationship. 100% not your business.

Totally disagree that having a conversation would ruin the relationship. If that were the case you two aren’t that close in the first place. This is the kind of thing that close knit families discuss. But it’s also the kind of thing that you bring up from a point of concern and don’t nag about or revisit again and again. But to mention your worries about infertility? Totally in bounds if you have a good relationship.

I'm one of those women who's in her late 30s and yet to have children. I find concerns about my fertility to be condescending. I'm aware that I'm at an age where conceiving naturally can be very difficult, but my partner and I are going through some financial difficulties we don't want to discuss with others. I know that if I keep waiting I might end up childless, I'm just way more afraid of ending up poor and homeless. Couples know their situation better than nosy family members.

And I’m sure if your sister brought it up with you, your response would be assuring that you are aware of the risks and are confident in your decision. And that you’re mature enough not to “ruin” the relationship over a single heartfelt conversation. Expressing concern to a sister isn’t being nosy.

I would not ruin the relationship over that kind of question, but I wouldn't appreciate it either. If wanted to talk about my uterus then I would like to be the one bringing the topic. Expressing concern over a person's childbearing status implies that not having children is some kind of failure. It feels judgy and I don't need this right now.

[Anonymous]

Jane Seymour had twins at 50, so did Adrienne Barbeau, Donna Mills had her first child at 54, Naomi Campbell at 50, Cameron Diaz at 47.

50 is the new 25.

[Anonymous]

I and most of my friends hd our children in our late 30s and only one out of eight of my ride or die, know our deepest darkest secrets, friends had fertility treatments

[Anonymous]

MYOB B—-CH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I naively dilly dallied around. Ended up having two kids during my late 30s, but the stats on infertility and birth defects that were quoted to us were sobering. So, despite everything working out fine, we never would have waited that long had we been more aware. We felt pretty naive about our lack of awareness, so, as other posters have noted, it is pretty easy to be unaware. I almost think more so than in the past when there was less of an ability to intervene.

Would you have appreciated a relative asking intrusive questions about your fertility during a holiday?

I honestly don’t know. It’s just the risks are real and someone close to me taking the time to really discuss it versus the occasional veiled comments people made could have been helpful. It’s hard to recreate the past, but I do distinctly remember telling a doctor that age cut offs were “arbitrary” and him giving me a much more clear-headed picture of infertility, miscarriages, and birth defects that come with maternal and paternal age and feeling shocked and unprepared. I was already pregnant with my first but went on to have a miscarriage with another pregnancy, and I recall thinking that I wished I had known more. But, I recognize that it is a difficult topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I and most of my friends hd our children in our late 30s and only one out of eight of my ride or die, know our deepest darkest secrets, friends had fertility treatments

That's crazy lucky. At 36 I developed recurrent pregnancy loss and weirdly enough know a ton of people with the same diagnosis after prior children at my same age. I also know some not having issues and some that never were able to have kids.

[Anonymous]

Wondering if they’ve been dealing with fertility issues for a while, or maybe they don’t actually want kids but are saying that they’re “waiting” to get family members off their backs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jane Seymour had twins at 50, so did Adrienne Barbeau, Donna Mills had her first child at 54, Naomi Campbell at 50, Cameron Diaz at 47.

50 is the new 25.

Please see my comment at 8:29.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister (38) and husband (37) have been married for around 4 years. When she was about to get married, she mentioned she wanted wanted kids some day, but she wanted to enjoy the marriage first. I know I might be nosy, but the fact she mentioned again that she was "waiting" to have kids made me worried. I have several friends/family members who postponed children until their late 30s for reasons ranging from advancing their careers, travelling to just not being sure if they wanted children, who then started having trouble to conceive or who didn't manage to conceive at all. I'm afraid my sister and her husband may end up having troubles if they keep postponing having children, and they don't even seem to be bothered that the window might close. I've seen the emotional toll that infertility took on my friends and I don't want my sister to go trough the same. How can I bring this up in a respectful way?

You can’t, unless you want to ruin the relationship. 100% not your business.

Totally disagree that having a conversation would ruin the relationship. If that were the case you two aren’t that close in the first place. This is the kind of thing that close knit families discuss. But it’s also the kind of thing that you bring up from a point of concern and don’t nag about or revisit again and again. But to mention your worries about infertility? Totally in bounds if you have a good relationship.

I'm one of those women who's in her late 30s and yet to have children. I find concerns about my fertility to be condescending. I'm aware that I'm at an age where conceiving naturally can be very difficult, but my partner and I are going through some financial difficulties we don't want to discuss with others. I know that if I keep waiting I might end up childless, I'm just way more afraid of ending up poor and homeless. Couples know their situation better than nosy family members.

And I’m sure if your sister brought it up with you, your response would be assuring that you are aware of the risks and are confident in your decision. And that you’re mature enough not to “ruin” the relationship over a single heartfelt conversation. Expressing concern to a sister isn’t being nosy.

I would not ruin the relationship over that kind of question, but I wouldn't appreciate it either. If wanted to talk about my uterus then I would like to be the one bringing the topic. Expressing concern over a person's childbearing status implies that not having children is some kind of failure. It feels judgy and I don't need this right now.

OP is not concerned about the “childbearing status” but about whether her sister understands the risks. Two different things and no it’s not a judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I and most of my friends hd our children in our late 30s and only one out of eight of my ride or die, know our deepest darkest secrets, friends had fertility treatments

Why is it a tightly guarded secret?

[Anonymous]

Everyone in their late 30s is WELL aware of this. My guess is she's like me, a fence-sitter who just kind of...went with the flow about having kids? It works out at 40? Cool. It doesn't? No big deal. Some of us just aren't really sure and are ok with running the risk it won't happen for us. If someone pushed me on this I would think they were such an ahole and probably never speak to them again or be really snarky. Just incredibly tone deaf.

(I had twins effortlessly at 40).