Sister is 38 and says she's still waiting to have children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids at 42 and 44, took less than three months to get pregnant each time. Kids are perfectly healthy and smart. Leave her alone.

Yes, 44 year old women are as fertile as 34 and 24 year old women!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids at 42 and 44, took less than three months to get pregnant each time. Kids are perfectly healthy and smart. Leave her alone.

I had my child at 36. Wanted one more, couldn't conceive naturally and didn't want to do IVF. I advise my daughter not to wait too long. I wish I was more serious about kids at 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I and most of my friends hd our children in our late 30s and only one out of eight of my ride or die, know our deepest darkest secrets, friends had fertility treatments

Same, though two never tried naturally and went straight to IUI. I think that's smart if you're late 30s, forget all the temping and charting. It's cheap even out of pocket with no infertility diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

This could just be a polite way of saying she's doesn't want kids or can't have kids.

A friend I met at work said this once over lunch (when discussing our families and how busy her life was at the moment), and over the course of working with her, I figured out she was around 45 and obviously past that point.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My sister (38) and husband (37) have been married for around 4 years. When she was about to get married, she mentioned she wanted wanted kids some day, but she wanted to enjoy the marriage first. I know I might be nosy, but the fact she mentioned again that she was "waiting" to have kids made me worried. I have several friends/family members who postponed children until their late 30s for reasons ranging from advancing their careers, travelling to just not being sure if they wanted children, who then started having trouble to conceive or who didn't manage to conceive at all. I'm afraid my sister and her husband may end up having troubles if they keep postponing having children, and they don't even seem to be bothered that the window might close. I've seen the emotional toll that infertility took on my friends and I don't want my sister to go trough the same. How can I bring this up in a respectful way?

You can’t, unless you want to ruin the relationship. 100% not your business.

Totally disagree that having a conversation would ruin the relationship. If that were the case you two aren’t that close in the first place. This is the kind of thing that close knit families discuss. But it’s also the kind of thing that you bring up from a point of concern and don’t nag about or revisit again and again. But to mention your worries about infertility? Totally in bounds if you have a good relationship.

I'm one of those women who's in her late 30s and yet to have children. I find concerns about my fertility to be condescending. I'm aware that I'm at an age where conceiving naturally can be very difficult, but my partner and I are going through some financial difficulties we don't want to discuss with others. I know that if I keep waiting I might end up childless, I'm just way more afraid of ending up poor and homeless. Couples know their situation better than nosy family members.

And I’m sure if your sister brought it up with you, your response would be assuring that you are aware of the risks and are confident in your decision. And that you’re mature enough not to “ruin” the relationship over a single heartfelt conversation. Expressing concern to a sister isn’t being nosy.

I would not ruin the relationship over that kind of question, but I wouldn't appreciate it either. If wanted to talk about my uterus then I would like to be the one bringing the topic. Expressing concern over a person's childbearing status implies that not having children is some kind of failure. It feels judgy and I don't need this right now.

OP is not concerned about the “childbearing status” but about whether her sister understands the risks. Two different things and no it’s not a judgment.

It's based on the assumption that she wants kids. People who really want kids don't wait to have them unless there are reasons to wait.

[Anonymous]

I simply cannot believe the ppl who mention to me or my daughter that she needs to get going if she’s going to have kids. She’s 34. She was an animal science/biology major in college. She knows.

[Anonymous]

Please don't say anything. I used to say this to people who asked me too. I was actually going through infertility and IVF at the time, and didn't want to talk about it with anyone.

[Anonymous]

Yes OP, definitely suggest to your sister that you think she’s too stupid/oblivious to understand basic human biology. It will bring you closer to each other and definitely won’t piss her off.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure your sister’s husband wants kids?

[Anonymous]

Why do you care about this? She is probably chosen childfree but does not have to let you know that.

[Anonymous]

After marrying, I delayed having children for a lot of good reasons. There were relationship difficulties, my own mental health issues, chronic pain, career changes, my husband’s challenges in having a healthy relationship with his parents, and other challenges. We made it through those challenges and are happy to be together after 15+ years of marriage. However, it took some time, and I am so glad we didn’t have children during the worst of it.

We never discussed our challenges with family or friends. It was strictly for therapy and discussion with each other. While some of our family members are safe and supportive, not all of them are. I didn’t want to release information into the wild if I couldn’t control where it went.

You are not therapist or doctor to either member of this couple. Follow appropriate social boundaries and step back from this issue, which has nothing at all to do with you.

[Anonymous]

I see both sides of this.
Personally I started trying at 34 and ended up having 9 rounds of IVF in total due to diminished ovarian reserve. Was extremely lucky to have my two daughters at 37 and 41 but it was a LONG, SAD ROAD.

I was vocal with a few close friends (I don't have a sister) and truly if someone else didn't go through it they just didnt get it.

I can't remember exactly what I said to people that would ask back then but it was probably "we'll see".

BUT. I also agree that the proliferation of seeing celebs well into their 40's having kids does not help. They never mention that it was donor eggs or surrogates or that they had been making embryos and putting them on ice for past decade. I know several women who are smart and talented be completely SHOCKED at 40 that they can't get pregnant. SHOCKED.

So I say if you have a good relationship just lightly bring it up and tell her you're here to support her no matter what but you just wanted to ask.

Also most OBGYN's have the wrong advice and don't run the right tests. Straight to the RE's office.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I started trying to have a child at 38, because I really had no idea this was such an advanced age to have a child. Everyone believes that today women can easily conceive into their late 40's, and I'm not sure where the idea comes from, but it isn't true. Some women can, sure. Others can only with fertility treatments, up to and including donor eggs. My husband and I suffered through 4 years of painful, depressing infertility and we did all the treatments except donor eggs before I finally managed to have a child at 42.

The idea that women can have children easily at any age, or that it's guaranteed because of medical treatment, is unfortunately a very harmful myth. Sounds like your sister believes in it, and I know from experience that there is nothing you can say to dissuade a person from it. Everyone has an anecdote about a woman who had a bunch of kids in her 40's, and think that's proof of something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had my kids at 42 and 44, took less than three months to get pregnant each time. Kids are perfectly healthy and smart. Leave her alone.

You were a lucky anomaly.

[Anonymous]

She already knows all of this. MYOB.