I’ve been rejected by a group of women and it’s hurts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can only commiserate, OP. It sucks! And yes, no matter how otherwise good I feel about my life, this behavior always hurts.

BUT I can say that I am now mid-40s and it hurts less. I'm in my 40s now and there is a woman at my kid's school who behaves this way towards me and I have no idea why. At first it really did hurt my feelings and I was feeling kind of glum. But I got over it faster. Recently I saw this woman at a school event and she walked up to me and another person, spoke to the other person for several minutes without acknowledging me, and walked away. I've known this woman for 3 years, our kids are in the same grade, and we have "met" each other at least 2 dozen times at birthday parties and school functions. She always behaves this way.

Anyway, when she did this, I was a bit hurt for a moment, and then I laughed. And I told my husband about it later and. he laughed too. Because it's *crazy*. Imagine working this hard to ignore someone. It's work! She must have some real issues on the inside that the only way she has to deal with this situation is to behave this way. It's childish and effortful.

Try to see the absurdity in it. Be glad you don't feel the need to behave this way.

Why don’t you say anything to the other lady when she does this stuff? I would. Embarrass her!

I’m a PP who’s in a somewhat similar situation for demographic reasons. While it would be momentarily fun for OP to give it back, the second she does, they will then have a REAL reason to turn on her and it could escalate. Right now, OP at least has her dignity and can rest secure knowing she’s done nothing to deserve the cold shoulder.

I'm the "commiserating" PP above. I agree. I totally understand the urge to call out the behavior, and I think some people have this belief it would be like a movie where everyone else sees what she's doing and sides with me.

But it's not realistic. The women who do this stuff successfully generally have a decent amount of social power. Most people would side with them, even if it was quite obvious their behavior was the problem.

I'd quickly be called "oversensitive" or people would just gaslight me that it never happened at all. My outsider status means that anything I say or do will be automatically suspect, whereas she will be given the benefit of the doubt.

At least when it's school moms, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel -- eventually these kids won't be in the same school together and I'll probably rarely, if ever, see them again.

PP here. Yup, this is exactly how it would go. And then the same people who know full well that the ostracism started before anything OP did would go around saying OP’s “rudeness” is why OP was shunned in the first place. Gossips love their post-hoc rationalizations.

My sister’s vicious MIL, who is thankfully dead now, played her like this. After suffering under her for almost a decade, my sister made the mistake of calling out her MIL’s nasty behavior and some of the most awful things she had done. Before my sister knew it, everyone in her husband’s circle (including those who hated MIL and complained about MIL in private) had turned on her and sided with MIL as the “victim.” And her husband did nothing to defend her (worthless man). MIL’s social power in that circle meant it was easier to close ranks against my sister than stand with her and that’s what they did. Years later, they’re still gossiping about how MIL “tried so hard” with my sister, but had no choice but to shun my sister after my sister “went nuts.” The difficult, but smarter approach would have been for my sister to ignore MIL and refuse to give her anything real to point to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can only commiserate, OP. It sucks! And yes, no matter how otherwise good I feel about my life, this behavior always hurts.

BUT I can say that I am now mid-40s and it hurts less. I'm in my 40s now and there is a woman at my kid's school who behaves this way towards me and I have no idea why. At first it really did hurt my feelings and I was feeling kind of glum. But I got over it faster. Recently I saw this woman at a school event and she walked up to me and another person, spoke to the other person for several minutes without acknowledging me, and walked away. I've known this woman for 3 years, our kids are in the same grade, and we have "met" each other at least 2 dozen times at birthday parties and school functions. She always behaves this way.

Anyway, when she did this, I was a bit hurt for a moment, and then I laughed. And I told my husband about it later and. he laughed too. Because it's *crazy*. Imagine working this hard to ignore someone. It's work! She must have some real issues on the inside that the only way she has to deal with this situation is to behave this way. It's childish and effortful.

Try to see the absurdity in it. Be glad you don't feel the need to behave this way.

Why don’t you say anything to the other lady when she does this stuff? I would. Embarrass her!

I’m a PP who’s in a somewhat similar situation for demographic reasons. While it would be momentarily fun for OP to give it back, the second she does, they will then have a REAL reason to turn on her and it could escalate. Right now, OP at least has her dignity and can rest secure knowing she’s done nothing to deserve the cold shoulder.

I'm the "commiserating" PP above. I agree. I totally understand the urge to call out the behavior, and I think some people have this belief it would be like a movie where everyone else sees what she's doing and sides with me.

But it's not realistic. The women who do this stuff successfully generally have a decent amount of social power. Most people would side with them, even if it was quite obvious their behavior was the problem.

I'd quickly be called "oversensitive" or people would just gaslight me that it never happened at all. My outsider status means that anything I say or do will be automatically suspect, whereas she will be given the benefit of the doubt.

At least when it's school moms, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel -- eventually these kids won't be in the same school together and I'll probably rarely, if ever, see them again.

Naah. You gotta call out the bad behavior and embarrass them. When the lady pretends to not know who you are, loudly say oh my goodness, are you ok, are you incurring memory loss? We’ve met 100 times. How is your family dealing with it?

Or if she ignores you and says hi to someone you are talking to, just say well hello to you lady. I’m standing here too. I’m doing well, how about you.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, they sound awful. Count your blessings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can only commiserate, OP. It sucks! And yes, no matter how otherwise good I feel about my life, this behavior always hurts.

BUT I can say that I am now mid-40s and it hurts less. I'm in my 40s now and there is a woman at my kid's school who behaves this way towards me and I have no idea why. At first it really did hurt my feelings and I was feeling kind of glum. But I got over it faster. Recently I saw this woman at a school event and she walked up to me and another person, spoke to the other person for several minutes without acknowledging me, and walked away. I've known this woman for 3 years, our kids are in the same grade, and we have "met" each other at least 2 dozen times at birthday parties and school functions. She always behaves this way.

Anyway, when she did this, I was a bit hurt for a moment, and then I laughed. And I told my husband about it later and. he laughed too. Because it's *crazy*. Imagine working this hard to ignore someone. It's work! She must have some real issues on the inside that the only way she has to deal with this situation is to behave this way. It's childish and effortful.

Try to see the absurdity in it. Be glad you don't feel the need to behave this way.

Why don’t you say anything to the other lady when she does this stuff? I would. Embarrass her!

I’m a PP who’s in a somewhat similar situation for demographic reasons. While it would be momentarily fun for OP to give it back, the second she does, they will then have a REAL reason to turn on her and it could escalate. Right now, OP at least has her dignity and can rest secure knowing she’s done nothing to deserve the cold shoulder.

I'm the "commiserating" PP above. I agree. I totally understand the urge to call out the behavior, and I think some people have this belief it would be like a movie where everyone else sees what she's doing and sides with me.

But it's not realistic. The women who do this stuff successfully generally have a decent amount of social power. Most people would side with them, even if it was quite obvious their behavior was the problem.

I'd quickly be called "oversensitive" or people would just gaslight me that it never happened at all. My outsider status means that anything I say or do will be automatically suspect, whereas she will be given the benefit of the doubt.

At least when it's school moms, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel -- eventually these kids won't be in the same school together and I'll probably rarely, if ever, see them again.

Naah. You gotta call out the bad behavior and embarrass them. When the lady pretends to not know who you are, loudly say oh my goodness, are you ok, are you incurring memory loss? We’ve met 100 times. How is your family dealing with it?

Or if she ignores you and says hi to someone you are talking to, just say well hello to you lady. I’m standing here too. I’m doing well, how about you.

NP. Oof, you’re a font of terrible advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A women I am friendly with tried to include me in her group. She has invited me to do things with them on several occasions.
Unfortunately the “leader” of the group made it clear that she doesn’t want me around. Each time we meet she will act like she can’t remember anything about me. She repeatedly asks me how old my kid is (my kid and her kid are in the same grade at the same school). She will invite the others to lunch in front of me etc…. Her behavior makes things very awkward for all of us.
The other women think she’s absolutely amazing. One women told me that they are “the best family”.
I’m so hurt and lonely. I feel like I’m back in 7th grade. I’m a 44yo female with two kids but no friends. How do I get past this.

I haven’t read the thread, but I assume you’re hotter than the Queen Bee. I had a similar situation a few years ago, and it stings, but having to live in the orbit of this awful woman is like 800 times worse than being excluded - think of it as a favor. Invite a select few of the other moms/kids your kid gets along with to movies, playdates, etc. and you’ll find your group eventually.

[Anonymous]

It may have absolutely nothing to do with you.

There are women around here who aren't happy unless someone is being excluded. It sounds crazy but I've completely seen it happen among adult women around here.

The cache of an event in their minds goes way up if it's not an open event.
I have a "friend" like this. Her MO (consciously or unconsciously--I've never been sure) is "an event isn't worth attending unless there is someone else being excluded."
This goes for kid parties, mom-friend parties, etc.

Clearly it's warped thinking and I'm not sure it's always purposeful but it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can only commiserate, OP. It sucks! And yes, no matter how otherwise good I feel about my life, this behavior always hurts.

BUT I can say that I am now mid-40s and it hurts less. I'm in my 40s now and there is a woman at my kid's school who behaves this way towards me and I have no idea why. At first it really did hurt my feelings and I was feeling kind of glum. But I got over it faster. Recently I saw this woman at a school event and she walked up to me and another person, spoke to the other person for several minutes without acknowledging me, and walked away. I've known this woman for 3 years, our kids are in the same grade, and we have "met" each other at least 2 dozen times at birthday parties and school functions. She always behaves this way.

Anyway, when she did this, I was a bit hurt for a moment, and then I laughed. And I told my husband about it later and. he laughed too. Because it's *crazy*. Imagine working this hard to ignore someone. It's work! She must have some real issues on the inside that the only way she has to deal with this situation is to behave this way. It's childish and effortful.

Try to see the absurdity in it. Be glad you don't feel the need to behave this way.

Why don’t you say anything to the other lady when she does this stuff? I would. Embarrass her!

I’m a PP who’s in a somewhat similar situation for demographic reasons. While it would be momentarily fun for OP to give it back, the second she does, they will then have a REAL reason to turn on her and it could escalate. Right now, OP at least has her dignity and can rest secure knowing she’s done nothing to deserve the cold shoulder.

I'm the "commiserating" PP above. I agree. I totally understand the urge to call out the behavior, and I think some people have this belief it would be like a movie where everyone else sees what she's doing and sides with me.

But it's not realistic. The women who do this stuff successfully generally have a decent amount of social power. Most people would side with them, even if it was quite obvious their behavior was the problem.

I'd quickly be called "oversensitive" or people would just gaslight me that it never happened at all. My outsider status means that anything I say or do will be automatically suspect, whereas she will be given the benefit of the doubt.

At least when it's school moms, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel -- eventually these kids won't be in the same school together and I'll probably rarely, if ever, see them again.

Naah. You gotta call out the bad behavior and embarrass them. When the lady pretends to not know who you are, loudly say oh my goodness, are you ok, are you incurring memory loss? We’ve met 100 times. How is your family dealing with it?

Or if she ignores you and says hi to someone you are talking to, just say well hello to you lady. I’m standing here too. I’m doing well, how about you.

This is fine if you have zero interest in maintaining relationships or a good reputation with anyone else in the group.

I would not do this with women from my kid's school because the blowback could impact my kid. I also wouldn't do this at work unless I was ready to leave that job and for sure didn't need recommendations for my next job.

I would do this with mean women at a gym or in a new mom's group because whatever, you can ditch the whole group.

It feels great to call people out but you have to consider how people will interpret it. And if you've found yourself on the wrong side of a "queen bee" there is a high likelihood that you will come off as "drama-prone" or "oversensitive" or even "a mean girl." You can decide for yourself if those outcomes bother you, but the dream that it will play out like the climax scene in a movie about bullying is a fantasy. IRL, people do not turn on the mean but powerful friend they've spent years cozying up to in order to protect their own social position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may have absolutely nothing to do with you.

There are women around here who aren't happy unless someone is being excluded. It sounds crazy but I've completely seen it happen among adult women around here.

The cache of an event in their minds goes way up if it's not an open event.
I have a "friend" like this. Her MO (consciously or unconsciously--I've never been sure) is "an event isn't worth attending unless there is someone else being excluded."
This goes for kid parties, mom-friend parties, etc.

Clearly it's warped thinking and I'm not sure it's always purposeful but it happens.

Yup. Real and not limited to the DMV.

All of this is driven by insecurity.

If you spend time around people who are genuinely secure in themselves and their place in life, none of them have "exclusive" friend groups. They just have friends. I've also noticed that as I have become more secure in myself as a person, I spend more time with my family or by myself, and less time socializing with friends. I still get together with friends but less often and never get that feeling I used to sometimes get like "is everyone hanging out without me?" Now it's more like "I hope everyone is having fun! Maybe I will text people next week about drinks but this week I just want to do movie night with DD and focus on finishing up this great novel I just started." I don't get FOMO anymore, even when scrolling social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can only commiserate, OP. It sucks! And yes, no matter how otherwise good I feel about my life, this behavior always hurts.

BUT I can say that I am now mid-40s and it hurts less. I'm in my 40s now and there is a woman at my kid's school who behaves this way towards me and I have no idea why. At first it really did hurt my feelings and I was feeling kind of glum. But I got over it faster. Recently I saw this woman at a school event and she walked up to me and another person, spoke to the other person for several minutes without acknowledging me, and walked away. I've known this woman for 3 years, our kids are in the same grade, and we have "met" each other at least 2 dozen times at birthday parties and school functions. She always behaves this way.

Anyway, when she did this, I was a bit hurt for a moment, and then I laughed. And I told my husband about it later and. he laughed too. Because it's *crazy*. Imagine working this hard to ignore someone. It's work! She must have some real issues on the inside that the only way she has to deal with this situation is to behave this way. It's childish and effortful.

Try to see the absurdity in it. Be glad you don't feel the need to behave this way.

Why don’t you say anything to the other lady when she does this stuff? I would. Embarrass her!

I’m a PP who’s in a somewhat similar situation for demographic reasons. While it would be momentarily fun for OP to give it back, the second she does, they will then have a REAL reason to turn on her and it could escalate. Right now, OP at least has her dignity and can rest secure knowing she’s done nothing to deserve the cold shoulder.

I'm the "commiserating" PP above. I agree. I totally understand the urge to call out the behavior, and I think some people have this belief it would be like a movie where everyone else sees what she's doing and sides with me.

But it's not realistic. The women who do this stuff successfully generally have a decent amount of social power. Most people would side with them, even if it was quite obvious their behavior was the problem.

I'd quickly be called "oversensitive" or people would just gaslight me that it never happened at all. My outsider status means that anything I say or do will be automatically suspect, whereas she will be given the benefit of the doubt.

At least when it's school moms, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel -- eventually these kids won't be in the same school together and I'll probably rarely, if ever, see them again.

PP here. Yup, this is exactly how it would go. And then the same people who know full well that the ostracism started before anything OP did would go around saying OP’s “rudeness” is why OP was shunned in the first place. Gossips love their post-hoc rationalizations.

My sister’s vicious MIL, who is thankfully dead now, played her like this. After suffering under her for almost a decade, my sister made the mistake of calling out her MIL’s nasty behavior and some of the most awful things she had done. Before my sister knew it, everyone in her husband’s circle (including those who hated MIL and complained about MIL in private) had turned on her and sided with MIL as the “victim.” And her husband did nothing to defend her (worthless man). MIL’s social power in that circle meant it was easier to close ranks against my sister than stand with her and that’s what they did. Years later, they’re still gossiping about how MIL “tried so hard” with my sister, but had no choice but to shun my sister after my sister “went nuts.” The difficult, but smarter approach would have been for my sister to ignore MIL and refuse to give her anything real to point to.

Oh my gosh this is awful but yes now as an adult I understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may have absolutely nothing to do with you.

There are women around here who aren't happy unless someone is being excluded. It sounds crazy but I've completely seen it happen among adult women around here.

The cache of an event in their minds goes way up if it's not an open event.
I have a "friend" like this. Her MO (consciously or unconsciously--I've never been sure) is "an event isn't worth attending unless there is someone else being excluded."
This goes for kid parties, mom-friend parties, etc.

Clearly it's warped thinking and I'm not sure it's always purposeful but it happens.

Yup. Real and not limited to the DMV.

All of this is driven by insecurity.

If you spend time around people who are genuinely secure in themselves and their place in life, none of them have "exclusive" friend groups. They just have friends. I've also noticed that as I have become more secure in myself as a person, I spend more time with my family or by myself, and less time socializing with friends. I still get together with friends but less often and never get that feeling I used to sometimes get like "is everyone hanging out without me?" Now it's more like "I hope everyone is having fun! Maybe I will text people next week about drinks but this week I just want to do movie night with DD and focus on finishing up this great novel I just started." I don't get FOMO anymore, even when scrolling social media.

I love it and hope to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may have absolutely nothing to do with you.

There are women around here who aren't happy unless someone is being excluded. It sounds crazy but I've completely seen it happen among adult women around here.

The cache of an event in their minds goes way up if it's not an open event.
I have a "friend" like this. Her MO (consciously or unconsciously--I've never been sure) is "an event isn't worth attending unless there is someone else being excluded."
This goes for kid parties, mom-friend parties, etc.

Clearly it's warped thinking and I'm not sure it's always purposeful but it happens.

Yup. Real and not limited to the DMV.

All of this is driven by insecurity.

If you spend time around people who are genuinely secure in themselves and their place in life, none of them have "exclusive" friend groups. They just have friends. I've also noticed that as I have become more secure in myself as a person, I spend more time with my family or by myself, and less time socializing with friends. I still get together with friends but less often and never get that feeling I used to sometimes get like "is everyone hanging out without me?" Now it's more like "I hope everyone is having fun! Maybe I will text people next week about drinks but this week I just want to do movie night with DD and focus on finishing up this great novel I just started." I don't get FOMO anymore, even when scrolling social media.

I love it and hope to get there.

It's JOMO -- the joy of missing out.

When I see pictures from some happy hour/girls night/birthday party/Vegas weekend/etc. that I wasn't invited to now, I genuinely feel happy to have missed it.

I did that stuff for years and I didn't find it that fun. I think there was a period of time when I convinced myself it was fun because I was so happy to *feel included.* It was validating. But if you work on yourself, anything can be validating. This morning I discovered my kid had wet her bed and I got her into an early morning bath and washed her sheets. It was validating! Last night I made a new curry recipe and my DH helped with the chopping and made naan. That felt validating. A friend of mine is on vacation in California (without me!) right now, and I just sent her a text (private, not for anyone's eyes but hers) telling her that her photos she sent looked gorgeous and I hope she's having an amazing time and actually relaxing because I know her job has been super stressful lately. That felt validating.

Because now I validate myself and I do not need other people to like or comment in order to feel like the stuff I'm doing is worthwhile. I know it's worthwhile because it's what I chose to spend my time on.

Some queen bee who wants to look down her nose at me because I don't dress right or I live in the wrong part of the neighborhood or "something about me" rubs her the wrong way? Whoooooo caaaaaaaaares? Truly, beneath my pay grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can only commiserate, OP. It sucks! And yes, no matter how otherwise good I feel about my life, this behavior always hurts.

BUT I can say that I am now mid-40s and it hurts less. I'm in my 40s now and there is a woman at my kid's school who behaves this way towards me and I have no idea why. At first it really did hurt my feelings and I was feeling kind of glum. But I got over it faster. Recently I saw this woman at a school event and she walked up to me and another person, spoke to the other person for several minutes without acknowledging me, and walked away. I've known this woman for 3 years, our kids are in the same grade, and we have "met" each other at least 2 dozen times at birthday parties and school functions. She always behaves this way.

Anyway, when she did this, I was a bit hurt for a moment, and then I laughed. And I told my husband about it later and. he laughed too. Because it's *crazy*. Imagine working this hard to ignore someone. It's work! She must have some real issues on the inside that the only way she has to deal with this situation is to behave this way. It's childish and effortful.

Try to see the absurdity in it. Be glad you don't feel the need to behave this way.

Why don’t you say anything to the other lady when she does this stuff? I would. Embarrass her!

I’m a PP who’s in a somewhat similar situation for demographic reasons. While it would be momentarily fun for OP to give it back, the second she does, they will then have a REAL reason to turn on her and it could escalate. Right now, OP at least has her dignity and can rest secure knowing she’s done nothing to deserve the cold shoulder.

I'm the "commiserating" PP above. I agree. I totally understand the urge to call out the behavior, and I think some people have this belief it would be like a movie where everyone else sees what she's doing and sides with me.

But it's not realistic. The women who do this stuff successfully generally have a decent amount of social power. Most people would side with them, even if it was quite obvious their behavior was the problem.

I'd quickly be called "oversensitive" or people would just gaslight me that it never happened at all. My outsider status means that anything I say or do will be automatically suspect, whereas she will be given the benefit of the doubt.

At least when it's school moms, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel -- eventually these kids won't be in the same school together and I'll probably rarely, if ever, see them again.

PP here. Yup, this is exactly how it would go. And then the same people who know full well that the ostracism started before anything OP did would go around saying OP’s “rudeness” is why OP was shunned in the first place. Gossips love their post-hoc rationalizations.

My sister’s vicious MIL, who is thankfully dead now, played her like this. After suffering under her for almost a decade, my sister made the mistake of calling out her MIL’s nasty behavior and some of the most awful things she had done. Before my sister knew it, everyone in her husband’s circle (including those who hated MIL and complained about MIL in private) had turned on her and sided with MIL as the “victim.” And her husband did nothing to defend her (worthless man). MIL’s social power in that circle meant it was easier to close ranks against my sister than stand with her and that’s what they did. Years later, they’re still gossiping about how MIL “tried so hard” with my sister, but had no choice but to shun my sister after my sister “went nuts.” The difficult, but smarter approach would have been for my sister to ignore MIL and refuse to give her anything real to point to.

Oh my gosh this is awful but yes now as an adult I understand.

I learned a lot from watching my sister’s vile MIL. In hindsight, I think she baited my sister,
just as the mean girl OP is dealing with is baiting OP. These sociopathic types are always laying traps, hoping to provoke their target into a misstep they can then capitalize on. MIL played the wide-eyed innocent to the hilt when confronted and let my sister take the fall for the bad relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can only commiserate, OP. It sucks! And yes, no matter how otherwise good I feel about my life, this behavior always hurts.

BUT I can say that I am now mid-40s and it hurts less. I'm in my 40s now and there is a woman at my kid's school who behaves this way towards me and I have no idea why. At first it really did hurt my feelings and I was feeling kind of glum. But I got over it faster. Recently I saw this woman at a school event and she walked up to me and another person, spoke to the other person for several minutes without acknowledging me, and walked away. I've known this woman for 3 years, our kids are in the same grade, and we have "met" each other at least 2 dozen times at birthday parties and school functions. She always behaves this way.

Anyway, when she did this, I was a bit hurt for a moment, and then I laughed. And I told my husband about it later and. he laughed too. Because it's *crazy*. Imagine working this hard to ignore someone. It's work! She must have some real issues on the inside that the only way she has to deal with this situation is to behave this way. It's childish and effortful.

Try to see the absurdity in it. Be glad you don't feel the need to behave this way.

Why don’t you say anything to the other lady when she does this stuff? I would. Embarrass her!

I’m a PP who’s in a somewhat similar situation for demographic reasons. While it would be momentarily fun for OP to give it back, the second she does, they will then have a REAL reason to turn on her and it could escalate. Right now, OP at least has her dignity and can rest secure knowing she’s done nothing to deserve the cold shoulder.

I'm the "commiserating" PP above. I agree. I totally understand the urge to call out the behavior, and I think some people have this belief it would be like a movie where everyone else sees what she's doing and sides with me.

But it's not realistic. The women who do this stuff successfully generally have a decent amount of social power. Most people would side with them, even if it was quite obvious their behavior was the problem.

I'd quickly be called "oversensitive" or people would just gaslight me that it never happened at all. My outsider status means that anything I say or do will be automatically suspect, whereas she will be given the benefit of the doubt.

At least when it's school moms, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel -- eventually these kids won't be in the same school together and I'll probably rarely, if ever, see them again.

PP here. Yup, this is exactly how it would go. And then the same people who know full well that the ostracism started before anything OP did would go around saying OP’s “rudeness” is why OP was shunned in the first place. Gossips love their post-hoc rationalizations.

My sister’s vicious MIL, who is thankfully dead now, played her like this. After suffering under her for almost a decade, my sister made the mistake of calling out her MIL’s nasty behavior and some of the most awful things she had done. Before my sister knew it, everyone in her husband’s circle (including those who hated MIL and complained about MIL in private) had turned on her and sided with MIL as the “victim.” And her husband did nothing to defend her (worthless man). MIL’s social power in that circle meant it was easier to close ranks against my sister than stand with her and that’s what they did. Years later, they’re still gossiping about how MIL “tried so hard” with my sister, but had no choice but to shun my sister after my sister “went nuts.” The difficult, but smarter approach would have been for my sister to ignore MIL and refuse to give her anything real to point to.

Oh my gosh this is awful but yes now as an adult I understand.

I learned a lot from watching my sister’s vile MIL. In hindsight, I think she baited my sister,
just as the mean girl OP is dealing with is baiting OP. These sociopathic types are always laying traps, hoping to provoke their target into a misstep they can then capitalize on. MIL played the wide-eyed innocent to the hilt when confronted and let my sister take the fall for the bad relationship.

Dealing with a woman like this is how I learned about the concept of "vulnerable narcissism." Some people call it cover narcissism. I just think of it as an uncanny ability to turn yourself into a victim when confronted with evidence of your own bad behavior.

Also google DARVO. Same idea.

[Anonymous]

Host a small dinner party based on a common interest that many women in the group have but queen bee does not, so it seems like there's logic to your strategy. Make it amazing. Post on social media. Approach Queen Bee next time you see her with, I would have loved to invite you but didn't have your info. Next time we're doing it at xx place. You should totally come!

Reclaim THE POWER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Host a small dinner party based on a common interest that many women in the group have but queen bee does not, so it seems like there's logic to your strategy. Make it amazing. Post on social media. Approach Queen Bee next time you see her with, I would have loved to invite you but didn't have your info. Next time we're doing it at xx place. You should totally come!

Reclaim THE POWER.

Everything but the last part. Don’t engage in mean girl passive aggression. Live your life and gray rock the toxic people. Give them nothing.