I’ve been rejected by a group of women and it’s hurts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a group has been friends for a long time, this is a place of real vulnerability, discussing marriages, mental illness, kid challenges. Time is precious and it's hard to find time to get together. This time is sacred. You are not entitled to join their group. Queen bee was rude, without a doubt though.

OMG, how dramatic. None of the factors you list warrant these women being rude and exclusionary towards OP. NONE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A women I am friendly with tried to include me in her group. She has invited me to do things with them on several occasions.
Unfortunately the “leader” of the group made it clear that she doesn’t want me around. Each time we meet she will act like she can’t remember anything about me. She repeatedly asks me how old my kid is (my kid and her kid are in the same grade at the same school). She will invite the others to lunch in front of me etc…. Her behavior makes things very awkward for all of us.

The other women think she’s absolutely amazing. One women told me that they are “the best family”.
I’m so hurt and lonely. I feel like I’m back in 7th grade. I’m a 44yo female with two kids but no friends. How do I get past this.

Sis sorry. Some women and men can be insane. I had a woman try to do this to me a few years ago as she was the one hosting a lot of parties etc… Guess what finally the others overrode her nonsense and I started getting invited to all of their events they are hosting. In fact I have received 6 invites coming up in the next 6 weeks that others a hosting.

Tidbit you need to host something and invite them all including her. You have to host things to have it be reciprocated. Yes you have to invite the mean mom.

Also seek out new moms and families as they are often open to friendships.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A women I am friendly with tried to include me in her group. She has invited me to do things with them on several occasions.
Unfortunately the “leader” of the group made it clear that she doesn’t want me around. Each time we meet she will act like she can’t remember anything about me. She repeatedly asks me how old my kid is (my kid and her kid are in the same grade at the same school). She will invite the others to lunch in front of me etc…. Her behavior makes things very awkward for all of us.

The other women think she’s absolutely amazing. One women told me that they are “the best family”.
I’m so hurt and lonely. I feel like I’m back in 7th grade. I’m a 44yo female with two kids but no friends. How do I get past this.

Sis sorry. Some women and men can be insane. I had a woman try to do this to me a few years ago as she was the one hosting a lot of parties etc… Guess what finally the others overrode her nonsense and I started getting invited to all of their events they are hosting. In fact I have received 6 invites coming up in the next 6 weeks that others a hosting.

Tidbit you need to host something and invite them all including her. You have to host things to have it be reciprocated. Yes you have to invite the mean mom.

Also seek out new moms and families as they are often open to friendships.
Good luck!

Type should say SO sorry not sis

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a group has been friends for a long time, this is a place of real vulnerability, discussing marriages, mental illness, kid challenges. Time is precious and it's hard to find time to get together. This time is sacred. You are not entitled to join their group. Queen bee was rude, without a doubt though.

This is a weird response because OP was an invited guest. She didn't crash. If the women in this group don't want to extend the group to others, they can figure this out amongst themselves, but OP is "entitled" to go to a get together to which she has been invited, and is also entitled to a baseline level of respect while there.

Also, OP's time investment matters too. You are acting like her presence stole valuable bonding time from these women (even though they were always free to get together without inviting her, OP did nothing to prevent this). In reality, these women are wasting OP's time with catty behavior. She is looking to invest energy in friendships and instead she has had to tolerate this woman's rudeness.

These ladies need to grow up. If you want to get together with old friends and no newcomers, do so, nothing is stopping you. But this queen bee's crap behavior and the willingness of the others to tolerate it are childish and rude. If I were OP I'd move on because I'd rather spend time alone than waste previous hours on these middle school antics.

I also bet you anything that most of these women won't even speak to each other in 3 years. They think their friendship is so precious but their kids will get older and move in and most of these connections will loosen or even break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a group has been friends for a long time, this is a place of real vulnerability, discussing marriages, mental illness, kid challenges. Time is precious and it's hard to find time to get together. This time is sacred. You are not entitled to join their group. Queen bee was rude, without a doubt though.

This is a weird response because OP was an invited guest. She didn't crash. If the women in this group don't want to extend the group to others, they can figure this out amongst themselves, but OP is "entitled" to go to a get together to which she has been invited, and is also entitled to a baseline level of respect while there.

Also, OP's time investment matters too. You are acting like her presence stole valuable bonding time from these women (even though they were always free to get together without inviting her, OP did nothing to prevent this). In reality, these women are wasting OP's time with catty behavior. She is looking to invest energy in friendships and instead she has had to tolerate this woman's rudeness.

These ladies need to grow up. If you want to get together with old friends and no newcomers, do so, nothing is stopping you. But this queen bee's crap behavior and the willingness of the others to tolerate it are childish and rude. If I were OP I'd move on because I'd rather spend time alone than waste previous hours on these middle school antics.

I also bet you anything that most of these women won't even speak to each other in 3 years. They think their friendship is so precious but their kids will get older and move in and most of these connections will loosen or even break.

DP. Fair point. I've had a few friends ask to join my friend group and I have been tempted to be inclusive, mostly because I feel bad for them, but really, it doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a group has been friends for a long time, this is a place of real vulnerability, discussing marriages, mental illness, kid challenges. Time is precious and it's hard to find time to get together. This time is sacred. You are not entitled to join their group. Queen bee was rude, without a doubt though.

This is a weird response because OP was an invited guest. She didn't crash. If the women in this group don't want to extend the group to others, they can figure this out amongst themselves, but OP is "entitled" to go to a get together to which she has been invited, and is also entitled to a baseline level of respect while there.

Also, OP's time investment matters too. You are acting like her presence stole valuable bonding time from these women (even though they were always free to get together without inviting her, OP did nothing to prevent this). In reality, these women are wasting OP's time with catty behavior. She is looking to invest energy in friendships and instead she has had to tolerate this woman's rudeness.

These ladies need to grow up. If you want to get together with old friends and no newcomers, do so, nothing is stopping you. But this queen bee's crap behavior and the willingness of the others to tolerate it are childish and rude. If I were OP I'd move on because I'd rather spend time alone than waste previous hours on these middle school antics.

I also bet you anything that most of these women won't even speak to each other in 3 years. They think their friendship is so precious but their kids will get older and move in and most of these connections will loosen or even break.

DP. Fair point. I've had a few friends ask to join my friend group and I have been tempted to be inclusive, mostly because I feel bad for them, but really, it doesn't work.

NP. You’d have us believe that women are actually expressly asking you to join your friend group?

[Anonymous]

Woman thank your lucky stars you are smart enough to see the flags and get out now. In a years time this group will disband due to fighting amongst themselves and you will already be hanging with a new friend or friends that mirror your character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a group has been friends for a long time, this is a place of real vulnerability, discussing marriages, mental illness, kid challenges. Time is precious and it's hard to find time to get together. This time is sacred. You are not entitled to join their group. Queen bee was rude, without a doubt though.

OMG, how dramatic. None of the factors you list warrant these women being rude and exclusionary towards OP. NONE.

Plus 1 million. It's amazing how far people will go to justify the fact that they are raging a$$holes.

[Anonymous]

I recently removed myself from a clique like this, and let me tell you, you’re better off. In my case, no one was outwardly mean. In fact I think there was extreme effort taken to appear kind and inclusive. But the cliqueyness and exclusionary behavior (and in some cases unspoken tension) was always there. It was just much more subtle. And it was worse because there was a mom clique and the corresponding kid clique which added a whole other complexity.

After several years “in,” it started to become too much for me. I was committing too much mental energy to it. Never felt like I knew who I could really trust. Never really felt like myself around them. I felt like I had a public persona. Over time, I started to feel uncomfortable with the things I saw and heard going on and, frankly, became disappointed in myself for the things I stood by and did nothing about because I lacked the courage to say anything.

I slowly started backing away. Replying less in the group chat. Coming to fewer gatherings. Made an effort to reach out independently and apologize to people I knew had been hurt. I owned that I played a part in making others feel excluded because I wanted to be included and worried about my kid being shunned. And now I’m completely out of it. I remain individual friends with a couple of the women but otherwise have almost no contact with the others. Which really just goes to show how real those friendships were in the first place.

They’re all still a close group. I’m not going to lie, sometimes it still hurts and I wonder what is wrong with me that I just can’t hack it. Why do none of them see anything wrong with any of it? Sometimes I worry what’s being said about me me, having witnessed what was said about others. I don’t think most of them are bad people. I like (almost) all of them as individuals. But there was something toxic in the group dynamic.

I will say I learned a lot about myself. I made mistakes and did things I regret. I know better what I need from friendships and what I am capable of giving. I am someone who does better with fewer, very close friends than as a part of a group. I’m still feeling a bit too raw and jaded right now to put myself out there for new friends, so I’ve just been trying to focus on my family, myself, and the people I know are real friends.

Anyway. OP, I’m sorry this happened to you. But you don’t need this group. And I’m sorry for the long rant. I think I just needed to get that all out…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a group has been friends for a long time, this is a place of real vulnerability, discussing marriages, mental illness, kid challenges. Time is precious and it's hard to find time to get together. This time is sacred. You are not entitled to join their group. Queen bee was rude, without a doubt though.

OMG, how dramatic. None of the factors you list warrant these women being rude and exclusionary towards OP. NONE.

Plus 1 million. It's amazing how far people will go to justify the fact that they are raging a$$holes.

+2.000.000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently removed myself from a clique like this, and let me tell you, you’re better off. In my case, no one was outwardly mean. In fact I think there was extreme effort taken to appear kind and inclusive. But the cliqueyness and exclusionary behavior (and in some cases unspoken tension) was always there. It was just much more subtle. And it was worse because there was a mom clique and the corresponding kid clique which added a whole other complexity.

After several years “in,” it started to become too much for me. I was committing too much mental energy to it. Never felt like I knew who I could really trust. Never really felt like myself around them. I felt like I had a public persona. Over time, I started to feel uncomfortable with the things I saw and heard going on and, frankly, became disappointed in myself for the things I stood by and did nothing about because I lacked the courage to say anything.

I slowly started backing away. Replying less in the group chat. Coming to fewer gatherings. Made an effort to reach out independently and apologize to people I knew had been hurt. I owned that I played a part in making others feel excluded because I wanted to be included and worried about my kid being shunned. And now I’m completely out of it. I remain individual friends with a couple of the women but otherwise have almost no contact with the others. Which really just goes to show how real those friendships were in the first place.

They’re all still a close group. I’m not going to lie, sometimes it still hurts and I wonder what is wrong with me that I just can’t hack it. Why do none of them see anything wrong with any of it? Sometimes I worry what’s being said about me me, having witnessed what was said about others. I don’t think most of them are bad people. I like (almost) all of them as individuals. But there was something toxic in the group dynamic.

I will say I learned a lot about myself. I made mistakes and did things I regret. I know better what I need from friendships and what I am capable of giving. I am someone who does better with fewer, very close friends than as a part of a group. I’m still feeling a bit too raw and jaded right now to put myself out there for new friends, so I’ve just been trying to focus on my family, myself, and the people I know are real friends.

Anyway. OP, I’m sorry this happened to you. But you don’t need this group. And I’m sorry for the long rant. I think I just needed to get that all out…

You seem real authentic, I could see myself in a position like this. I hate that relationships that can bring so much comfort can bring just as much discomfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else find the moms with the biggest mean girl tendencies are the ones that never left the town they grew up in and/or work in a ms/hs setting? It’s like they never matured past high school.

I’ve found that to be the case where I currently live. I also know several girls that were mean in high school never left the town where I grew up (different part of the country) and work as ms/hs teachers or administrators. I don’t really know them as adults though.

The bolded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should make up new kids and facts about your kids every time she asks. If your DD is 12, and she asks you how old she is, just say something ridiculous like 25. Don’t offer an explanation. The next time she asks say she’s 7. Stupid meaningless petty crap, just have fun with it.

It should be obvious by her reaction (or lack of reaction) if she actually remembers you or not.

Oh I love this idea! Do it, OP!! And report back.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can only commiserate, OP. It sucks! And yes, no matter how otherwise good I feel about my life, this behavior always hurts.

BUT I can say that I am now mid-40s and it hurts less. I'm in my 40s now and there is a woman at my kid's school who behaves this way towards me and I have no idea why. At first it really did hurt my feelings and I was feeling kind of glum. But I got over it faster. Recently I saw this woman at a school event and she walked up to me and another person, spoke to the other person for several minutes without acknowledging me, and walked away. I've known this woman for 3 years, our kids are in the same grade, and we have "met" each other at least 2 dozen times at birthday parties and school functions. She always behaves this way.

Anyway, when she did this, I was a bit hurt for a moment, and then I laughed. And I told my husband about it later and. he laughed too. Because it's *crazy*. Imagine working this hard to ignore someone. It's work! She must have some real issues on the inside that the only way she has to deal with this situation is to behave this way. It's childish and effortful.

Try to see the absurdity in it. Be glad you don't feel the need to behave this way.

I’ve encountered women like this for sure. There’s one at our school, but I’ve never really tried to be friends with her so it doesn’t bother me.

But yes, you have to see how absurd it is. Once I become comfortable with that, I’d be absolutely smothering this woman with kindness. While she was talking to the one person and not me I would have said “bye Lisa!!” as soon as she walked away. Super cheery but a little over the top. I’d also almost always greet her and say hi by name anytime I saw her. Make it awkward FOR HER. You still don’t have to be friends but it’ll make the interactions more fun for you.

PP here and I do this too! I am terrific with names and faces due to years of teaching yoga classes pre-kids (it's a skill, you can learn it). I greet everyone by name and give everyone a smile and am EXTRA pleasant to the ones who rude to me. It's like "see, this isn't even hard -- you're rude af to me and I still managed to remember your name and smile at you during drop-off because I have social skills." I honestly think it makes them feel dumb.

For some of us it is legitimately inadvertent. I hate that I can’t remember names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I’m confused at how “doxing” is being used in this thread. It makes no sense when talking about people who presumably live in the same community or whose children attend the same school.

Is there an alternate meaning?

it makes no sense. someone is just posting junk

Doxing is a last resort for queen bee types, who feel threatened by those who make them look bad (aka pretty much any female with a brain)

You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

NP but this is how a frenemy group doxed me. They looked up my NYT wedding article and learned my first marriage ended in divorce. When the couples all hung out, a few women peppered DH about being married to a divorcee. They know how much my house is worth because they looked up property records and sometimes they make snide remarks about my mortgage. They looked up DH's salary (fed) and had a discussion about their husbands who are better earners.

They seem crazy so i don't hang out with them anymore

They are. Good riddance