I’ve been rejected by a group of women and it’s hurts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for all of the responses! You guys are giving me the strength I need to move forward. The reality is that I’d probably rather have one or two close friends instead of a group. I’m going to start actively trying to find one person I’d like to cultivate a friendship with.

FYI I generally have at least a few close friends but we moved to a small town in 2020 and I’ve really struggled here.

Where you live

[Anonymous]

Quick question — do you actually fit in with the group? Think socioeconomic status and demographics.

Due to the rapid rise in home prices in the pandemic and severe time constraints (we had one month to find a place), we ended up buying in a neighborhood that has “arrived” and is expensive *now*, but is right on the edge of where the upper middle class area ends and the solidly middle class area begins. The neighborhood has a core of moms who moved here 5-10 years ago, however, when home prices here were literally half or even less than half the current price.

Fast forward 2 years and despite a lot of nice playdates and a couple of mom lunches, these women keep leaving me out and never invite me anywhere unless I invite them. I tortured myself over it for the first year until comments started to clue me in. One mom casually dropped in convo how much over asking we paid and that our home price set a record (that has since been beaten like 10 times over). Another mom keeps referencing that I’m a lawyer when I, myself, never bring it up. A different one just stares at my engagement ring to the point at which I tried to remove it before our kids had a playdate again, but I’ve gained weight and can’t get the dang thing off.

It finally hit me — most of these moms are SAHMs and the rare ones who work are receptionists, admin assistants, and such. Here I come waltzing in as part of the new crop of people who are highly educated UMC with disposable income and paying what are perceived to be outlandish sums for homes in the neighborhood (against my will, in my case). I’m also a multilingual immigrant with a British accent while they’re southern. Even though I’ve bent over backwards to befriend them, I’m just not their demographic and it’s clear they don’t feel comfortable around me. It doesn’t help that DH is a little snobby and makes zero effort to get to know anyone.

It hurts, but it is what it is. When interest rates get reasonable, we’re outta here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Quick question — do you actually fit in with the group? Think socioeconomic status and demographics.

Due to the rapid rise in home prices in the pandemic and severe time constraints (we had one month to find a place), we ended up buying in a neighborhood that has “arrived” and is expensive *now*, but is right on the edge of where the upper middle class area ends and the solidly middle class area begins. The neighborhood has a core of moms who moved here 5-10 years ago, however, when home prices here were literally half or even less than half the current price.

Fast forward 2 years and despite a lot of nice playdates and a couple of mom lunches, these women keep leaving me out and never invite me anywhere unless I invite them. I tortured myself over it for the first year until comments started to clue me in. One mom casually dropped in convo how much over asking we paid and that our home price set a record (that has since been beaten like 10 times over). Another mom keeps referencing that I’m a lawyer when I, myself, never bring it up. A different one just stares at my engagement ring to the point at which I tried to remove it before our kids had a playdate again, but I’ve gained weight and can’t get the dang thing off.

It finally hit me — most of these moms are SAHMs and the rare ones who work are receptionists, admin assistants, and such. Here I come waltzing in as part of the new crop of people who are highly educated UMC with disposable income and paying what are perceived to be outlandish sums for homes in the neighborhood (against my will, in my case). I’m also a multilingual immigrant with a British accent while they’re southern. Even though I’ve bent over backwards to befriend them, I’m just not their demographic and it’s clear they don’t feel comfortable around me. It doesn’t help that DH is a little snobby and makes zero effort to get to know anyone.

It hurts, but it is what it is. When interest rates get reasonable, we’re outta here.

OMG. This is probably the grossest humble brag I've ever seen on DCUM. The reason they don't want you is not the reason you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I’m confused at how “doxing” is being used in this thread. It makes no sense when talking about people who presumably live in the same community or whose children attend the same school.

Is there an alternate meaning?

it makes no sense. someone is just posting junk

Doxing is a last resort for queen bee types, who feel threatened by those who make them look bad (aka pretty much any female with a brain)

You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

NP but this is how a frenemy group doxed me. They looked up my NYT wedding article and learned my first marriage ended in divorce. When the couples all hung out, a few women peppered DH about being married to a divorcee. They know how much my house is worth because they looked up property records and sometimes they make snide remarks about my mortgage. They looked up DH's salary (fed) and had a discussion about their husbands who are better earners.

They seem crazy so i don't hang out with them anymore

This is not doxxing. It’s gossiping.

No. It is beyond gossiping - it is malicious intent.

Omg still not doxing.

Thank you to the PP or PP who keeps calling this out. I am so distracted by the posters who keep trying say this is doxing! This topic is taking a whole side track…

It’s like they just heard the word & determined to use it in a sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can only commiserate, OP. It sucks! And yes, no matter how otherwise good I feel about my life, this behavior always hurts.

BUT I can say that I am now mid-40s and it hurts less. I'm in my 40s now and there is a woman at my kid's school who behaves this way towards me and I have no idea why. At first it really did hurt my feelings and I was feeling kind of glum. But I got over it faster. Recently I saw this woman at a school event and she walked up to me and another person, spoke to the other person for several minutes without acknowledging me, and walked away. I've known this woman for 3 years, our kids are in the same grade, and we have "met" each other at least 2 dozen times at birthday parties and school functions. She always behaves this way.

Anyway, when she did this, I was a bit hurt for a moment, and then I laughed. And I told my husband about it later and. he laughed too. Because it's *crazy*. Imagine working this hard to ignore someone. It's work! She must have some real issues on the inside that the only way she has to deal with this situation is to behave this way. It's childish and effortful.

Try to see the absurdity in it. Be glad you don't feel the need to behave this way.

Why don’t you say anything to the other lady when she does this stuff? I would. Embarrass her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Quick question — do you actually fit in with the group? Think socioeconomic status and demographics.

Due to the rapid rise in home prices in the pandemic and severe time constraints (we had one month to find a place), we ended up buying in a neighborhood that has “arrived” and is expensive *now*, but is right on the edge of where the upper middle class area ends and the solidly middle class area begins. The neighborhood has a core of moms who moved here 5-10 years ago, however, when home prices here were literally half or even less than half the current price.

Fast forward 2 years and despite a lot of nice playdates and a couple of mom lunches, these women keep leaving me out and never invite me anywhere unless I invite them. I tortured myself over it for the first year until comments started to clue me in. One mom casually dropped in convo how much over asking we paid and that our home price set a record (that has since been beaten like 10 times over). Another mom keeps referencing that I’m a lawyer when I, myself, never bring it up. A different one just stares at my engagement ring to the point at which I tried to remove it before our kids had a playdate again, but I’ve gained weight and can’t get the dang thing off.

It finally hit me — most of these moms are SAHMs and the rare ones who work are receptionists, admin assistants, and such. Here I come waltzing in as part of the new crop of people who are highly educated UMC with disposable income and paying what are perceived to be outlandish sums for homes in the neighborhood (against my will, in my case). I’m also a multilingual immigrant with a British accent while they’re southern. Even though I’ve bent over backwards to befriend them, I’m just not their demographic and it’s clear they don’t feel comfortable around me. It doesn’t help that DH is a little snobby and makes zero effort to get to know anyone.

It hurts, but it is what it is. When interest rates get reasonable, we’re outta here.

OMG. This is probably the grossest humble brag I've ever seen on DCUM. The reason they don't want you is not the reason you think.

I can tell you’ve never been the demographic outlier. Class, educational, ethnic, and other differences sometimes matter more than we’d like. As DH pointed out, even the fact that I’m a Jewish woman who is also of color (and I mean unambiguous racial minority, not white-looking at all) is VERY odd around here. When one is as different from the norm in as many ways as I am in this area, it can matter to others in ways that all the personality and kindness in the world can’t overcome. I hope you’re never in the position to be the permanent odd out because of what you are, not who you are inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I’m confused at how “doxing” is being used in this thread. It makes no sense when talking about people who presumably live in the same community or whose children attend the same school.

Is there an alternate meaning?

it makes no sense. someone is just posting junk

Doxing is a last resort for queen bee types, who feel threatened by those who make them look bad (aka pretty much any female with a brain)

You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

NP but this is how a frenemy group doxed me. They looked up my NYT wedding article and learned my first marriage ended in divorce. When the couples all hung out, a few women peppered DH about being married to a divorcee. They know how much my house is worth because they looked up property records and sometimes they make snide remarks about my mortgage. They looked up DH's salary (fed) and had a discussion about their husbands who are better earners.

They seem crazy so i don't hang out with them anymore

This is not doxxing. It’s gossiping.

Whatever. They pulled up my records and put it on insta. Doxxy enough for me!

that’s doxxing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When she acts as if she doesn’t remember any details about you, ask her if she knows that memory problems are a common symptom of menopause.

This is brilliant. I'd go one further and express grave and sincere concern to the group about Lisa. "She is great, but I am worried that she seems to have memory lapses. That's so concerning."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I’m confused at how “doxing” is being used in this thread. It makes no sense when talking about people who presumably live in the same community or whose children attend the same school.

Is there an alternate meaning?

it makes no sense. someone is just posting junk

Doxing is a last resort for queen bee types, who feel threatened by those who make them look bad (aka pretty much any female with a brain)

You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

NP but this is how a frenemy group doxed me. They looked up my NYT wedding article and learned my first marriage ended in divorce. When the couples all hung out, a few women peppered DH about being married to a divorcee. They know how much my house is worth because they looked up property records and sometimes they make snide remarks about my mortgage. They looked up DH's salary (fed) and had a discussion about their husbands who are better earners.

They seem crazy so i don't hang out with them anymore

This is not doxxing. It’s gossiping.

No. It is beyond gossiping - it is malicious intent.

Omg still not doxing.

Thank you to the PP or PP who keeps calling this out. I am so distracted by the posters who keep trying say this is doxing! This topic is taking a whole side track…

It’s like they just heard the word & determined to use it in a sentence.

I think there are a few of us. The use of the word “atrocities” in that post is pretty funny. Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I’m confused at how “doxing” is being used in this thread. It makes no sense when talking about people who presumably live in the same community or whose children attend the same school.

Is there an alternate meaning?

it makes no sense. someone is just posting junk

Doxing is a last resort for queen bee types, who feel threatened by those who make them look bad (aka pretty much any female with a brain)

You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

NP but this is how a frenemy group doxed me. They looked up my NYT wedding article and learned my first marriage ended in divorce. When the couples all hung out, a few women peppered DH about being married to a divorcee. They know how much my house is worth because they looked up property records and sometimes they make snide remarks about my mortgage. They looked up DH's salary (fed) and had a discussion about their husbands who are better earners.

They seem crazy so i don't hang out with them anymore

This is not doxxing. It’s gossiping.

Whatever. They pulled up my records and put it on insta. Doxxy enough for me!

that’s doxxing.

It also wasn’t included in PP’s original description.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can only commiserate, OP. It sucks! And yes, no matter how otherwise good I feel about my life, this behavior always hurts.

BUT I can say that I am now mid-40s and it hurts less. I'm in my 40s now and there is a woman at my kid's school who behaves this way towards me and I have no idea why. At first it really did hurt my feelings and I was feeling kind of glum. But I got over it faster. Recently I saw this woman at a school event and she walked up to me and another person, spoke to the other person for several minutes without acknowledging me, and walked away. I've known this woman for 3 years, our kids are in the same grade, and we have "met" each other at least 2 dozen times at birthday parties and school functions. She always behaves this way.

Anyway, when she did this, I was a bit hurt for a moment, and then I laughed. And I told my husband about it later and. he laughed too. Because it's *crazy*. Imagine working this hard to ignore someone. It's work! She must have some real issues on the inside that the only way she has to deal with this situation is to behave this way. It's childish and effortful.

Try to see the absurdity in it. Be glad you don't feel the need to behave this way.

Why don’t you say anything to the other lady when she does this stuff? I would. Embarrass her!

I’m a PP who’s in a somewhat similar situation for demographic reasons. While it would be momentarily fun for OP to give it back, the second she does, they will then have a REAL reason to turn on her and it could escalate. Right now, OP at least has her dignity and can rest secure knowing she’s done nothing to deserve the cold shoulder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When she acts as if she doesn’t remember any details about you, ask her if she knows that memory problems are a common symptom of menopause.

I love this!

I dealt with someone who pretended to forget who I was. I assumed she had a brain injury. Later, I learned she had done it on purpose. She acts nicer now but I still keep my distance.

I had a good laugh over how she ignored me and wanted me to notice but I just thought she had a brain issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A women I am friendly with tried to include me in her group. She has invited me to do things with them on several occasions.
Unfortunately the “leader” of the group made it clear that she doesn’t want me around. Each time we meet she will act like she can’t remember anything about me. She repeatedly asks me how old my kid is (my kid and her kid are in the same grade at the same school). She will invite the others to lunch in front of me etc…. Her behavior makes things very awkward for all of us.
The other women think she’s absolutely amazing. One women told me that they are “the best family”.
I’m so hurt and lonely. I feel like I’m back in 7th grade. I’m a 44yo female with two kids but no friends. How do I get past this.

You stop caring and realize there is better company out there for you. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I’m sorry this is the case and that you have to go through this. The same happened to me. I stayed friends with one person from the group.

My friend from the group soon was targeted by Queen Bee, who would invite all the kids over but her kid. Really awful.

I was excommunicated early by Queen Bee and it HURT to see most neighbors I knew posting photos of themselves walking to parties at Queen Bee’s house.

I focused on making real friends and snoozed all the people in that friend pack.

Queen Bee kicked others out of the group later. I learned a lot from this situation. I’m much more careful about new friendships and I am more aware of love bombing and what it can mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can only commiserate, OP. It sucks! And yes, no matter how otherwise good I feel about my life, this behavior always hurts.

BUT I can say that I am now mid-40s and it hurts less. I'm in my 40s now and there is a woman at my kid's school who behaves this way towards me and I have no idea why. At first it really did hurt my feelings and I was feeling kind of glum. But I got over it faster. Recently I saw this woman at a school event and she walked up to me and another person, spoke to the other person for several minutes without acknowledging me, and walked away. I've known this woman for 3 years, our kids are in the same grade, and we have "met" each other at least 2 dozen times at birthday parties and school functions. She always behaves this way.

Anyway, when she did this, I was a bit hurt for a moment, and then I laughed. And I told my husband about it later and. he laughed too. Because it's *crazy*. Imagine working this hard to ignore someone. It's work! She must have some real issues on the inside that the only way she has to deal with this situation is to behave this way. It's childish and effortful.

Try to see the absurdity in it. Be glad you don't feel the need to behave this way.

Why don’t you say anything to the other lady when she does this stuff? I would. Embarrass her!

I’m a PP who’s in a somewhat similar situation for demographic reasons. While it would be momentarily fun for OP to give it back, the second she does, they will then have a REAL reason to turn on her and it could escalate. Right now, OP at least has her dignity and can rest secure knowing she’s done nothing to deserve the cold shoulder.

I'm the "commiserating" PP above. I agree. I totally understand the urge to call out the behavior, and I think some people have this belief it would be like a movie where everyone else sees what she's doing and sides with me.

But it's not realistic. The women who do this stuff successfully generally have a decent amount of social power. Most people would side with them, even if it was quite obvious their behavior was the problem.

I'd quickly be called "oversensitive" or people would just gaslight me that it never happened at all. My outsider status means that anything I say or do will be automatically suspect, whereas she will be given the benefit of the doubt.

At least when it's school moms, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel -- eventually these kids won't be in the same school together and I'll probably rarely, if ever, see them again.