I’ve been rejected by a group of women and it’s hurts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, it's all driven by insecurity.

My teens attend a super elite high school (not in DC) and the parents are one long list of monied names. We are not famous or wealthy.

The nicest moms are almost always the wealthiest and/or most successful ones. It gives me pause each time because I instinctively get intimidated but then I have to stop myself from being weird and just be myself. A few have become good friends. Then there is a whole layer of striving moms who are mean. I've learned to look at people above this layer for genuine friendship. It's wild because while our income is below all of theirs I would seem to have more in common with this group. But they look right through me.

+1 Stay away from the striver moms. 100% guaranteed to have mean girl drama. Signs are frequent mom group outings posted on social media, being on the PTA, or job is realtor, MLM, stylist, fitness instructor, or some other hobby job that they're trying to get you to pay for.

Most wealthy moms have been very kind, with a few exceptions.

+1
You are an astute observer. I've experienced inclusive pta people who genuinely make big fun changes for their school and those who were in it strictly to be in the mix for spreading gossip and excluding others. It would be a rare MLMer who isn't into friendship for the sales, they may have a few but their hustle comes first under the guise of connection.

Please what’s mlm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a group has been friends for a long time, this is a place of real vulnerability, discussing marriages, mental illness, kid challenges. Time is precious and it's hard to find time to get together. This time is sacred. You are not entitled to join their group. Queen bee was rude, without a doubt though.

This is a weird response because OP was an invited guest. She didn't crash. If the women in this group don't want to extend the group to others, they can figure this out amongst themselves, but OP is "entitled" to go to a get together to which she has been invited, and is also entitled to a baseline level of respect while there.

Also, OP's time investment matters too. You are acting like her presence stole valuable bonding time from these women (even though they were always free to get together without inviting her, OP did nothing to prevent this). In reality, these women are wasting OP's time with catty behavior. She is looking to invest energy in friendships and instead she has had to tolerate this woman's rudeness.

These ladies need to grow up. If you want to get together with old friends and no newcomers, do so, nothing is stopping you. But this queen bee's crap behavior and the willingness of the others to tolerate it are childish and rude. If I were OP I'd move on because I'd rather spend time alone than waste previous hours on these middle school antics.

I also bet you anything that most of these women won't even speak to each other in 3 years. They think their friendship is so precious but their kids will get older and move in and most of these connections will loosen or even break.

DP. Fair point. I've had a few friends ask to join my friend group and I have been tempted to be inclusive, mostly because I feel bad for them, but really, it doesn't work.

Why doesn’t it “work?”

[Anonymous]

Op please stop giving full attention to this woman and her repeated questions like an eager puppy

I’m imagining:

https://youtu.be/LcoDj5G8kZQ?si=deipAEPa8tf8gDmE

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, it's all driven by insecurity.

My teens attend a super elite high school (not in DC) and the parents are one long list of monied names. We are not famous or wealthy.

The nicest moms are almost always the wealthiest and/or most successful ones. It gives me pause each time because I instinctively get intimidated but then I have to stop myself from being weird and just be myself. A few have become good friends. Then there is a whole layer of striving moms who are mean. I've learned to look at people above this layer for genuine friendship. It's wild because while our income is below all of theirs I would seem to have more in common with this group. But they look right through me.

Yes, the striver layer is gatekeeping their access to the wealthier group.

One lady I know bragged about how she never talks to new people. But as soon as she spots prestigious prey on social, she pounces with “Let’s have coffee on Zoom!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, it's all driven by insecurity.

My teens attend a super elite high school (not in DC) and the parents are one long list of monied names. We are not famous or wealthy.

The nicest moms are almost always the wealthiest and/or most successful ones. It gives me pause each time because I instinctively get intimidated but then I have to stop myself from being weird and just be myself. A few have become good friends. Then there is a whole layer of striving moms who are mean. I've learned to look at people above this layer for genuine friendship. It's wild because while our income is below all of theirs I would seem to have more in common with this group. But they look right through me.

Yes, the striver layer is gatekeeping their access to the wealthier group.

One lady I know bragged about how she never talks to new people. But as soon as she spots prestigious prey on social, she pounces with “Let’s have coffee on Zoom!”

Is the bolded just flat-out weird? Or a pandemic holdover? I’m guessing 99% of us reading this would think the “on Zoom” stipulation was bizarre. But I’m a boomer. So perhaps not exactly au courant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman thank your lucky stars you are smart enough to see the flags and get out now. In a years time this group will disband due to fighting amongst themselves and you will already be hanging with a new friend or friends that mirror your character.

This is so true. I mentioned the neighborhood Mean Girl group up thread. The Chief Mean Girl moved away. An attendee moved away. 2-3 of us were "kicked out" by Mean Girl. After a while, there were not too many people left...

The group felt great for an event or two. Nice to feel included but then the cracks began...You never know what you did that got you kicked out. I am so thankful I didn't have a child who cared about the associated kids from those families because Mean Girl would invite all the boys EXCEPT the son of one of the kicked out ladies.

Really evil stuff.

Another Mean Girl had to give in and acknowledge I exist. She's really weird. Nice one day and invites me to her house to see something she made. Another day, she's chilly. The point another poster made about inviting Mean Girl over is a good one. That can sometimes melt their chilly, wounded, narc hearts.

Summary: Give this time, and the winds will change. That's what I've learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, it's all driven by insecurity.

My teens attend a super elite high school (not in DC) and the parents are one long list of monied names. We are not famous or wealthy.

The nicest moms are almost always the wealthiest and/or most successful ones. It gives me pause each time because I instinctively get intimidated but then I have to stop myself from being weird and just be myself. A few have become good friends. Then there is a whole layer of striving moms who are mean. I've learned to look at people above this layer for genuine friendship. It's wild because while our income is below all of theirs I would seem to have more in common with this group. But they look right through me.

Yes, the striver layer is gatekeeping their access to the wealthier group.

One lady I know bragged about how she never talks to new people. But as soon as she spots prestigious prey on social, she pounces with “Let’s have coffee on Zoom!”

Is the bolded just flat-out weird? Or a pandemic holdover? I’m guessing 99% of us reading this would think the “on Zoom” stipulation was bizarre. But I’m a boomer. So perhaps not exactly au courant.

Yes, weird. This was last year and the woman she was targeting was up in a different city.

[Anonymous]

This is so exhausting and I don't need to echo some of the great points others have made. In summary, there is likely a deep insecurity with this woman and she's likely threatened in one way or another. The most important thing is this relationship will likely change and you'll see it evolve similar to middle/high school. Once your children transition to middle school, they begin forming their own friendships and that typically involves a big shift. In some ways, you'll likely be better off if you don't get close with this group because they'll likely go in different directions which may ultimately change the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Striver moms are like the not pretty girls who always glom onto the pretty popular girls in HS. The pretty popular girls are often nice, it's their insecure friends who act as gatekeepers who are the mean girls. They don't want anyone taking their place in the hierarchy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Striver moms are like the not pretty girls who always glom onto the pretty popular girls in HS. The pretty popular girls are often nice, it's their insecure friends who act as gatekeepers who are the mean girls. They don't want anyone taking their place in the hierarchy

Sometimes these two people work symbiotically, though. Those "insecure friends" who act as gatekeepers and are unkind to outsiders because they don't want anyone "taking their place"? They don't do this without the tacit permission of the "pretty popular" girl. If you think it's happening without the knowledge of the pretty girl, you're wrong. They are simply outsourcing the meanness to their less pretty, less popular friend, so that people will be able to say "Oh Vivian? She's soooooo nice. Though her friend Jill can be a tough nut to crack."

If I found out one of my friends was trying to prevent other women from hanging out with me or becoming friends with me, or if I ever witnessed one of my friends being unkind to someone else, I would distance myself from her or call that behavior out. But I think some women find it flattering (the idea that other people want to be friends with them but are deemed "unworthy" by their circle of striver friends) and are fine with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Striver moms are like the not pretty girls who always glom onto the pretty popular girls in HS. The pretty popular girls are often nice, it's their insecure friends who act as gatekeepers who are the mean girls. They don't want anyone taking their place in the hierarchy

Sometimes these two people work symbiotically, though. Those "insecure friends" who act as gatekeepers and are unkind to outsiders because they don't want anyone "taking their place"? They don't do this without the tacit permission of the "pretty popular" girl. If you think it's happening without the knowledge of the pretty girl, you're wrong. They are simply outsourcing the meanness to their less pretty, less popular friend, so that people will be able to say "Oh Vivian? She's soooooo nice. Though her friend Jill can be a tough nut to crack."

If I found out one of my friends was trying to prevent other women from hanging out with me or becoming friends with me, or if I ever witnessed one of my friends being unkind to someone else, I would distance myself from her or call that behavior out. But I think some women find it flattering (the idea that other people want to be friends with them but are deemed "unworthy" by their circle of striver friends) and are fine with it.

The bolded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a group has been friends for a long time, this is a place of real vulnerability, discussing marriages, mental illness, kid challenges. Time is precious and it's hard to find time to get together. This time is sacred. You are not entitled to join their group. Queen bee was rude, without a doubt though.

This is a weird response because OP was an invited guest. She didn't crash. If the women in this group don't want to extend the group to others, they can figure this out amongst themselves, but OP is "entitled" to go to a get together to which she has been invited, and is also entitled to a baseline level of respect while there.

Also, OP's time investment matters too. You are acting like her presence stole valuable bonding time from these women (even though they were always free to get together without inviting her, OP did nothing to prevent this). In reality, these women are wasting OP's time with catty behavior. She is looking to invest energy in friendships and instead she has had to tolerate this woman's rudeness.

These ladies need to grow up. If you want to get together with old friends and no newcomers, do so, nothing is stopping you. But this queen bee's crap behavior and the willingness of the others to tolerate it are childish and rude. If I were OP I'd move on because I'd rather spend time alone than waste previous hours on these middle school antics.

I also bet you anything that most of these women won't even speak to each other in 3 years. They think their friendship is so precious but their kids will get older and move in and most of these connections will loosen or even break.

DP. Fair point. I've had a few friends ask to join my friend group and I have been tempted to be inclusive, mostly because I feel bad for them, but really, it doesn't work.

Why doesn’t it “work?”

Because there are years and years of experiences, inside jokes and short hand that new people cannot pick up easily. Also people want to be able to let their hair down, not be on their best behavior around new people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be friends with the ones that like you. Life is short.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Striver moms are like the not pretty girls who always glom onto the pretty popular girls in HS. The pretty popular girls are often nice, it's their insecure friends who act as gatekeepers who are the mean girls. They don't want anyone taking their place in the hierarchy

Sometimes these two people work symbiotically, though. Those "insecure friends" who act as gatekeepers and are unkind to outsiders because they don't want anyone "taking their place"? They don't do this without the tacit permission of the "pretty popular" girl. If you think it's happening without the knowledge of the pretty girl, you're wrong. They are simply outsourcing the meanness to their less pretty, less popular friend, so that people will be able to say "Oh Vivian? She's soooooo nice. Though her friend Jill can be a tough nut to crack."

If I found out one of my friends was trying to prevent other women from hanging out with me or becoming friends with me, or if I ever witnessed one of my friends being unkind to someone else, I would distance myself from her or call that behavior out. But I think some women find it flattering (the idea that other people want to be friends with them but are deemed "unworthy" by their circle of striver friends) and are fine with it.

The bolded.

+1000. I know someone who does exactly this. She always comes across as so nice and friendly, it’s her “friend” who does all the gossiping and exclusion. Nothing but outsourcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should make up new kids and facts about your kids every time she asks. If your DD is 12, and she asks you how old she is, just say something ridiculous like 25. Don’t offer an explanation. The next time she asks say she’s 7. Stupid meaningless petty crap, just have fun with it.

It should be obvious by her reaction (or lack of reaction) if she actually remembers you or not.

LOL or call this woman a new name every time, super cheerful: "Hi, Rosemary. So glad to meet you".