How to avoid traveling to in laws every thanksgiving and Xmas

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just do 1 either Thanksgiving or Christmas.

You both have to get over the idea that holidays are about extended family.They aren’t. How old are your kids and how many do you have? Do you like Thanksgiving food?

Personally I would travel for Thanksgiving and do Christmas at home. None of us like Thanksgiving food so making a bunch of food that we don’t even like when it would only be the four of us was silly. Though our best Thanksgiving was actually going on vacation and eating at a nice restaurants for Thanksgiving, no one ordered turkey.

Personally I also like having the house decorated for Christmas, doing Christmas stuff leading up to Christmas and on Christmas Day just staying in pajamas while the kids play with their toys. DH grew up with always going to Christmas at his grandmothers so his parents never decorated or did much for the holiday which he found sad. He loves that our house has all the Christmas bells and whistles.

Op here. Part of the reason I want the holidays to be about extended family is because I want my kids to remember that it’s important to spend holidays with grandparents too. I know DCUM is big on hard lines and boundary setting so this is not a popular view, but I would be very sad if my kids never wanted to spend the holidays with me when I’m old. I would absolutely travel to them though if they prefer it.

To all those saying my DH should do more, he actually does a lot on the actual holiday day (tgiving and Xmas) when he has no work. But almost all the days leading up and after it, he has to work for at least a few hours everyday. He runs his own business so he is never truly off- when there is work, there’s work. It feels unfair to ask him to then do hours of childcare after working.

This isn’t the way this works. You are giving your kids memories of spending holidays in Florida with their grandparents and cousins. What you aren’t doing is creating holiday memories as a family. When they are older and have their own families, they get to pick where they go and what they do. This is the only time in your life where you actually get to decide what they do for holidays. You are wasting precious years doing things you don’t want to hoping it will work out for you later. It’s not going to.

Op here. This post really spoke to me. I think I really needed to hear this, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just do 1 either Thanksgiving or Christmas.

You both have to get over the idea that holidays are about extended family.They aren’t. How old are your kids and how many do you have? Do you like Thanksgiving food?

Personally I would travel for Thanksgiving and do Christmas at home. None of us like Thanksgiving food so making a bunch of food that we don’t even like when it would only be the four of us was silly. Though our best Thanksgiving was actually going on vacation and eating at a nice restaurants for Thanksgiving, no one ordered turkey.

Personally I also like having the house decorated for Christmas, doing Christmas stuff leading up to Christmas and on Christmas Day just staying in pajamas while the kids play with their toys. DH grew up with always going to Christmas at his grandmothers so his parents never decorated or did much for the holiday which he found sad. He loves that our house has all the Christmas bells and whistles.

Op here. Part of the reason I want the holidays to be about extended family is because I want my kids to remember that it’s important to spend holidays with grandparents too. I know DCUM is big on hard lines and boundary setting so this is not a popular view, but I would be very sad if my kids never wanted to spend the holidays with me when I’m old. I would absolutely travel to them though if they prefer it.

To all those saying my DH should do more, he actually does a lot on the actual holiday day (tgiving and Xmas) when he has no work. But almost all the days leading up and after it, he has to work for at least a few hours everyday. He runs his own business so he is never truly off- when there is work, there’s work. It feels unfair to ask him to then do hours of childcare after working.

This isn’t the way this works. You are giving your kids memories of spending holidays in Florida with their grandparents and cousins. What you aren’t doing is creating holiday memories as a family. When they are older and have their own families, they get to pick where they go and what they do. This is the only time in your life where you actually get to decide what they do for holidays. You are wasting precious years doing things you don’t want to hoping it will work out for you later. It’s not going to.

Op here. This post really spoke to me. I think I really needed to hear this, thank you. [/quote

NP I had lots of friends and even some boyfriends who had no nuclear family traditions for holidays. As soon as their grandparents died, all traditions fell apart. Several of them went to their boyfriends or girlfriend's houses instead because they didn't have traditions or a place to go for holidays. "My parents didn't celebrate much."

You only really have 18 years to have the magical holidays that you want. I believe kids deserve to wake up in their beds. Grandparents can always travel to you instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just do 1 either Thanksgiving or Christmas.

You both have to get over the idea that holidays are about extended family.They aren’t. How old are your kids and how many do you have? Do you like Thanksgiving food?

Personally I would travel for Thanksgiving and do Christmas at home. None of us like Thanksgiving food so making a bunch of food that we don’t even like when it would only be the four of us was silly. Though our best Thanksgiving was actually going on vacation and eating at a nice restaurants for Thanksgiving, no one ordered turkey.

Personally I also like having the house decorated for Christmas, doing Christmas stuff leading up to Christmas and on Christmas Day just staying in pajamas while the kids play with their toys. DH grew up with always going to Christmas at his grandmothers so his parents never decorated or did much for the holiday which he found sad. He loves that our house has all the Christmas bells and whistles.

Op here. Part of the reason I want the holidays to be about extended family is because I want my kids to remember that it’s important to spend holidays with grandparents too. I know DCUM is big on hard lines and boundary setting so this is not a popular view, but I would be very sad if my kids never wanted to spend the holidays with me when I’m old. I would absolutely travel to them though if they prefer it.

To all those saying my DH should do more, he actually does a lot on the actual holiday day (tgiving and Xmas) when he has no work. But almost all the days leading up and after it, he has to work for at least a few hours everyday. He runs his own business so he is never truly off- when there is work, there’s work. It feels unfair to ask him to then do hours of childcare after working.

This isn’t the way this works. You are giving your kids memories of spending holidays in Florida with their grandparents and cousins. What you aren’t doing is creating holiday memories as a family. When they are older and have their own families, they get to pick where they go and what they do. This is the only time in your life where you actually get to decide what they do for holidays. You are wasting precious years doing things you don’t want to hoping it will work out for you later. It’s not going to.

Op here. This post really spoke to me. I think I really needed to hear this, thank you.

NP I had lots of friends and even some boyfriends who had no nuclear family traditions for holidays. As soon as their grandparents died, all traditions fell apart. Several of them went to their boyfriends or girlfriend's houses instead because they didn't have traditions or a place to go for holidays. "My parents didn't celebrate much."

You only really have 18 years to have the magical holidays that you want. I believe kids deserve to wake up in their beds. Grandparents can always travel to you instead.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. I know a lot of posts focus on DH stepping up to do more while we are away, and while that might help a bit, it is not really why I dislike spending all the holidays away. I feel like a lot of the reasons I dislike it are essentially selfish and only bother me and not anyone else, and it feels selfish to take the joy away from DH and kids by saying no I won’t go. (DH would never go without me)

1. I hate FL. It’s boring and I find that there is so much more to do locally, especially at Christmas. DH ands kids loves FL of course.
2. I just never feel as comfortable at ILs place as I am in my own house. I feel like I have to dress up more than I would at home, make small talk, I can’t just hang out with no bra on in the house after a long day unless I confine myself to our room. DH and kids are completely comfortable of course.
3. I’m not a fan of IL cooking- very starchy, heavy, creamy foods all the time. DH and kids love it of course.
4. IL are big football (and drinking) fans and DH seldom indulges while at home, but with them everyone is obsessed so he joins in the fun. I’m just a spoilsport in their eyes.
5. The tv is always on. I just hate that.
6. I never get 1:1 time with DH while there. All our meals are spent with ILs.
7. Conversations with ILs get old after the first day or two especially when every single moment is spent with them. A lot of recounting of stories from their shared past I’ve heard a million times but still have to smile politely at, very little interest in me as a person independent of their son and grandchildren.
8. The travel, change in environment, lack of access to all their usual toys disregulates my usually easy kids and makes them more hyper, clingy, affects their sleep and just makes parenting less pleasant. Grandparents also have a tendency to want to indulge them with sweets, screen time which makes it harder to keep being the person who says no. DH thinks it’s ok during the holidays to loosen up a bit but I like to be consistent.

God that was cathartic. I really needed to let all that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just do 1 either Thanksgiving or Christmas.

You both have to get over the idea that holidays are about extended family.They aren’t. How old are your kids and how many do you have? Do you like Thanksgiving food?

Personally I would travel for Thanksgiving and do Christmas at home. None of us like Thanksgiving food so making a bunch of food that we don’t even like when it would only be the four of us was silly. Though our best Thanksgiving was actually going on vacation and eating at a nice restaurants for Thanksgiving, no one ordered turkey.

Personally I also like having the house decorated for Christmas, doing Christmas stuff leading up to Christmas and on Christmas Day just staying in pajamas while the kids play with their toys. DH grew up with always going to Christmas at his grandmothers so his parents never decorated or did much for the holiday which he found sad. He loves that our house has all the Christmas bells and whistles.

Hers the
Op here. Part of the reason I want the holidays to be about extended family is because I want my kids to remember that it’s important to spend holidays with grandparents too. I know DCUM is big on hard lines and boundary setting so this is not a popular view, but I would be very sad if my kids never wanted to spend the holidays with me when I’m old. I would absolutely travel to them though if they prefer it.

To all those saying my DH should do more, he actually does a lot on the actual holiday day (tgiving and Xmas) when he has no work. But almost all the days leading up and after it, he has to work for at least a few hours everyday. He runs his own business so he is never truly off- when there is work, there’s work. It feels unfair to ask him to then do hours of childcare after working.

This isn’t the way this works. You are giving your kids memories of spending holidays in Florida with their grandparents and cousins. What you aren’t doing is creating holiday memories as a family. When they are older and have their own families, they get to pick where they go and what they do. This is the only time in your life where you actually get to decide what they do for holidays. You are wasting precious years doing things you don’t want to hoping it will work out for you later. It’s not going to.

Op here. This post really spoke to me. I think I really needed to hear this, thank you. [/quote

NP I had lots of friends and even some boyfriends who had no nuclear family traditions for holidays. As soon as their grandparents died, all traditions fell apart. Several of them went to their boyfriends or girlfriend's houses instead because they didn't have traditions or a place to go for holidays. "My parents didn't celebrate much."

You only really have 18 years to have the magical holidays that you want. I believe kids deserve to wake up in their beds. Grandparents can always travel to you instead.

Here's the thing. You can always create new traditions. My in laws changed how we do Christmas post the grandparents getting divorced and it worked out fine

[Anonymous]

If you really think your husband wants to continue going for Thanksgiving and Christmas, you need to start building in some nuclear family traditions down there as well.... I don't know where they are at in Florida, but could you go to Disney for a day for take a beach trip? Just the four of you? How about the in-laws babysitting night while you and your husband go do something special together?? There have to be you or strong wagon rides or something christmasy down there. Start googling it now and come up with a list of things you'd like to incorporate and have your husband help plan them. Just because you're not at home doesn't mean that you can't make it special. I personally would not go down there that much, but if that is not an option for you then you can do what you can to make it special and start your own family traditions..... Maybe some that will translate back up to DC when you're inlaws pass till your children have memories of doing it both places.

[Anonymous]

What you're describing does not sound super fun for me either, and while I would be okay with it every once in a while, two times a year seems a bit much. Holidays are about blending in traditions so everyone in the family has something they enjoy... Now it sounds like your husband is just reliving his youth and the holiday is exactly how he wants it without taking into account but you would like. Kids like it because they know no different.
Either you and your husband need to have an honest discussion and start staying home more frequently for some of these holidays to incorporate things you want or his family has to be open in. Willing to allow you to incorporate them down there..... That may mean a day where there is no screens or where you binge children Christmas movies.... Or it may mean you get to take over mother-in-law's kitchen for a day to build gingerbread houses together or decorate Christmas cookies..... It may mean you, your husband and kids go to a Christmas tree farm and bring one back to decorate..... It may mean going to an indoor skating rink..... Picking out special ornaments from a holiday shop..... Taking family pictures on the beach..... Horse drawn carriage ride...... Getting pictures taken with Santa at a local spot..... Playing board games one night...... Having an elf on the shelf visit and cause a little mischief...... Drinking hot cocoa by a fire pit outside...... Taking the girls to Disney for a day or two .... Going to Orlando studios ..... Staying one night in a hotel and ordering room service ......There are a number of things you can incorporate but if they are not willing to then your answer is Florida and the holidays is just not for you which means it's not for your family either.

[Anonymous]

You still have a husband problem if he doesn't realize that he is getting 2 special holidays super close together. Exactly how he wants to them to bem
Does he not realize that these are not fun for you or is he oblivious or just doesn't care?? You really need to be honest with him about how these strips make you feel and if he minimize the sort of misses that. Then you have an entirely other issue.

[Anonymous]

As I read this thread I suspected this was really a thing about not liking/enjoying your in laws. Nothing wrong with that. But you should be honest with your husband and be prepared to let him and the kids go by themselves.

I’m guessing that if your husband told you that your nuclear family would spend T-giving week in NYC or some other vacation destination your concerns about expense/travel/packing stress would go away immediately. He’ll see right through that, so be honest with him.

Like you, I’m from a foreign country (much closer than Australia). Christmas was a huge deal in my extended family growing up and I dearly miss it. I’m talking 25 child first cousins all getting together while the Mom’s and dads did adult stuff. Walking as an extended family of nearly 50 the three blocks to Midnight Mass where my extended family had been raised. I truly miss it.

We’ve spent 90% of the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with my in laws here in the USA. Like you, I’d say 80% of that has been at my in laws home which is 3 hours away (car) and we’ve hosted the rest. My in laws are part of a tight knit community, so I’ve incorporated into their traditions and they’ve welcomed me as one of their own. I end up wrangling the kids at the holidays as it is a time for my in laws to catch up given that the family is spread out across the country or childhood friends from the community catch up. I’m not sure how it happened, but at some point about 20 years ago I became the person that cooks Christmas breakfast every single year (pancakes, eggs, sausage and some other items) and I usually cook the Christmas dinner protein. But it isn’t particularly fun for me and I could think of a thousand other places I’d rather be than that mid-size town.

But here is the deal: my wife treasures that family time when everyone is together and my kids love it, too. It is just two weeks out of the year and so I gladly make the best of it, and, if weather permits, I’ll sneak away for a round of golf one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. I know a lot of posts focus on DH stepping up to do more while we are away, and while that might help a bit, it is not really why I dislike spending all the holidays away. I feel like a lot of the reasons I dislike it are essentially selfish and only bother me and not anyone else, and it feels selfish to take the joy away from DH and kids by saying no I won’t go. (DH would never go without me)

1. I hate FL. It’s boring and I find that there is so much more to do locally, especially at Christmas. DH ands kids loves FL of course.
2. I just never feel as comfortable at ILs place as I am in my own house. I feel like I have to dress up more than I would at home, make small talk, I can’t just hang out with no bra on in the house after a long day unless I confine myself to our room. DH and kids are completely comfortable of course.
3. I’m not a fan of IL cooking- very starchy, heavy, creamy foods all the time. DH and kids love it of course.
4. IL are big football (and drinking) fans and DH seldom indulges while at home, but with them everyone is obsessed so he joins in the fun. I’m just a spoilsport in their eyes.
5. The tv is always on. I just hate that.
6. I never get 1:1 time with DH while there. All our meals are spent with ILs.
7. Conversations with ILs get old after the first day or two especially when every single moment is spent with them. A lot of recounting of stories from their shared past I’ve heard a million times but still have to smile politely at, very little interest in me as a person independent of their son and grandchildren.
8. The travel, change in environment, lack of access to all their usual toys disregulates my usually easy kids and makes them more hyper, clingy, affects their sleep and just makes parenting less pleasant. Grandparents also have a tendency to want to indulge them with sweets, screen time which makes it harder to keep being the person who says no. DH thinks it’s ok during the holidays to loosen up a bit but I like to be consistent.

God that was cathartic. I really needed to let all that out.

It bothers me it’s the second time you’ve excused your husband’s lack of help. If he watches the kids, you could take yourself out to get a break from the ILs/TV/etc. Just saying. He can tell them no to the sweets. It’s not just your job. He just doesn’t want to tell his mom no and cause any conflict. (Not ok)
It’s OK to have your own preferences and keep them home for one of these trips. It truly is. It’s not selfish.
Your kids are young. It will only get worse (I speak from experience). Sit down and tell him what you wrote.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter if you like your in-laws or love them or hate them.... What matters is the current holiday situation is not working for your immediate family.... The kids will like no matter what happens. So really you are doing this for your husband at this point.... Who, according to your own account sits and watches sports all day and doesn't really do much. You are not creating holiday memories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I read this thread I suspected this was really a thing about not liking/enjoying your in laws. Nothing wrong with that. But you should be honest with your husband and be prepared to let him and the kids go by themselves.

I’m guessing that if your husband told you that your nuclear family would spend T-giving week in NYC or some other vacation destination your concerns about expense/travel/packing stress would go away immediately. He’ll see right through that, so be honest with him.

Like you, I’m from a foreign country (much closer than Australia). Christmas was a huge deal in my extended family growing up and I dearly miss it. I’m talking 25 child first cousins all getting together while the Mom’s and dads did adult stuff. Walking as an extended family of nearly 50 the three blocks to Midnight Mass where my extended family had been raised. I truly miss it.

We’ve spent 90% of the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with my in laws here in the USA. Like you, I’d say 80% of that has been at my in laws home which is 3 hours away (car) and we’ve hosted the rest. My in laws are part of a tight knit community, so I’ve incorporated into their traditions and they’ve welcomed me as one of their own. I end up wrangling the kids at the holidays as it is a time for my in laws to catch up given that the family is spread out across the country or childhood friends from the community catch up. I’m not sure how it happened, but at some point about 20 years ago I became the person that cooks Christmas breakfast every single year (pancakes, eggs, sausage and some other items) and I usually cook the Christmas dinner protein. But it isn’t particularly fun for me and I could think of a thousand other places I’d rather be than that mid-size town.

But here is the deal: my wife treasures that family time when everyone is together and my kids love it, too. It is just two weeks out of the year and so I gladly make the best of it, and, if weather permits, I’ll sneak away for a round of golf one day.

It’s not that I don’t like ILs, the dynamic is just different when you’re in someone else’s house for a week or two- it’s their turf so the conversation, the tv, the activities, the food is driven by them and it would be inappropriate to dress too sloppily at any time. I just don’t get the same freedoms I usually would in my own house or on my own vacation. The holidays they came up to us but stayed separately was the best holiday we ever had- we had plenty of time together but I still got to be comfortable in my own space.

I definitely do this for DH. Agree that kid will be happy wherever. Just today he told me how excited he was to go down for thanksgiving, how he loved the food, the space, the outdoors so much. It’s easy to hold a firm line in my head theoretically but the thought of taking that away from him because I don’t want to suck it up makes me feel selfish.

[Anonymous]

Well tell him how much you're looking for to Christmas in DC with your friends and your kids and all the traditions you're going to start to create..... maybe he Doesn't realize how much it means to you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I read this thread I suspected this was really a thing about not liking/enjoying your in laws. Nothing wrong with that. But you should be honest with your husband and be prepared to let him and the kids go by themselves.

I’m guessing that if your husband told you that your nuclear family would spend T-giving week in NYC or some other vacation destination your concerns about expense/travel/packing stress would go away immediately. He’ll see right through that, so be honest with him.

Like you, I’m from a foreign country (much closer than Australia). Christmas was a huge deal in my extended family growing up and I dearly miss it. I’m talking 25 child first cousins all getting together while the Mom’s and dads did adult stuff. Walking as an extended family of nearly 50 the three blocks to Midnight Mass where my extended family had been raised. I truly miss it.

We’ve spent 90% of the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with my in laws here in the USA. Like you, I’d say 80% of that has been at my in laws home which is 3 hours away (car) and we’ve hosted the rest. My in laws are part of a tight knit community, so I’ve incorporated into their traditions and they’ve welcomed me as one of their own. I end up wrangling the kids at the holidays as it is a time for my in laws to catch up given that the family is spread out across the country or childhood friends from the community catch up. I’m not sure how it happened, but at some point about 20 years ago I became the person that cooks Christmas breakfast every single year (pancakes, eggs, sausage and some other items) and I usually cook the Christmas dinner protein. But it isn’t particularly fun for me and I could think of a thousand other places I’d rather be than that mid-size town.

But here is the deal: my wife treasures that family time when everyone is together and my kids love it, too. It is just two weeks out of the year and so I gladly make the best of it, and, if weather permits, I’ll sneak away for a round of golf one day.

It’s not that I don’t like ILs, the dynamic is just different when you’re in someone else’s house for a week or two- it’s their turf so the conversation, the tv, the activities, the food is driven by them and it would be inappropriate to dress too sloppily at any time. I just don’t get the same freedoms I usually would in my own house or on my own vacation. The holidays they came up to us but stayed separately was the best holiday we ever had- we had plenty of time together but I still got to be comfortable in my own space.

I definitely do this for DH. Agree that kid will be happy wherever. Just today he told me how excited he was to go down for thanksgiving, how he loved the food, the space, the outdoors so much. It’s easy to hold a firm line in my head theoretically but the thought of taking that away from him because I don’t want to suck it up makes me feel selfish.

As a PP said, if your DH did more when you are there, you could escape more.

I hear you. I hate Florida too. but if you’re committed to going because everyone else loves it - which is ok - then you need to find a way to enjoy it too. And that probably mean agreement with DH to have the kids half the time. And during his half, you can leave and do your own thing. Go to a coffee shop, a mall, a library, swim.

Do you work? If so, set up work projects that “need” to be done a couple hours a day.

I can assure you that my husband doesn’t get to skip out on child care just because he works. I work too, I’m the same field. If I can work and come home to parent, so can he. And so can yours whether you work or not.