How to avoid traveling to in laws every thanksgiving and Xmas

[Anonymous]

My parents live in Australia and it’s too expensive to visit them regularly, so every thanksgiving and almost all Christmases are spent with in laws who live a 2.5 hour flight away. Didn’t really question the arrangement until we had kids. It is so stressful (and expensive) to fly with kids during the holiday season, and twice in 2 months every single year feels like a lot. I’d suck it up for DH’s turn if we alternated holidays with my family, but we go to mine once every 4-5 years at most because of how far away they are.

DH wants to stick with going to in laws because we wouldn’t go anywhere else anyway (we both agree that those two holidays should be spent with family, not on vacation), but I want to ask that they come up for one holiday a year instead of us going down for both. How do I convince everyone to get on board?

DH doesn’t like the idea because he likes being at in laws’ much bigger house with a pool, in laws won’t like the idea because they don’t like traveling and they feel that their home is much more suitable for hosting. Our place is small (the one time they flew to us when I was heavily pregnant, they didn’t want to stay with us and instead rented a whole house for themselves close by so they could have more room) but I just feel happier not having to pack, travel, unpack, get kids used to new environment, pay thousands in flights and want to stay home for at least one holiday. Help me.

[Anonymous]

1-don't travel for Thanksgiving. ideal option.
2-if they still want DH to go for Thanksgiving, send your DH and kids & stay home. (Say Australians don't have this silly holiday and you don't understand it.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1-don't travel for Thanksgiving. ideal option.
2-if they still want DH to go for Thanksgiving, send your DH and kids & stay home. (Say Australians don't have this silly holiday and you don't understand it.)

I don’t want to be away from DH and my kids during the holidays though.

[Anonymous]

We travel out of the country and bring a nanny so it's pretty low stress for us. But it sounds like that isn't quite your goal. Either make traveling to them easier for you (can you leave some stuff there in November so it's there in December?) or just decide to throw a Friendsgiving at your house and announce you're staying home. They're welcome to come to you if they want.

Keep in mind that old people (and sometimes this is physical age and sometimes it's state of mind) get frazzled out of their routines (kind of like babies), and at least they have the presence of mind to know that. Sounds like them staying with you would be cramped and uncomfortable for them.

The thing is, the older you get the less f**ks you give, and you do what you want. That's what your in-laws are doing. You can do it too - you can decide you're not going. Your DH might decide to take the kids there himself, or get really pissed at you, but when you give zero f**ks, you just ... don't care. So it's up to you.

[Anonymous]

You've got to establish boundaries. Maybe you travel every other year to the ILs. Children are the perfect excuse to stay home. Tell them you want to create your own family traditions at your home. Get your DH on board, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've got to establish boundaries. Maybe you travel every other year to the ILs. Children are the perfect excuse to stay home. Tell them you want to create your own family traditions at your home. Get your DH on board, though.

This. Get DH on board and set boundaries. We stay home for thanksgiving and Xmas now. They can come to us or spend it w/o us.

[Anonymous]

It's entirely unfair that you would bear the stress of travel twice every year at peak traffic times.

I would refuse to go to both events. This is your parenting time and your kids. The grandparents had their time to create traditions with their kids. They don't get to dictate anything now.

I would institute a rule that you stay home for Christmas. You celebrate at home, the kids get to open their presents at home, you can make your house all nice and cozy, and you save your travel money for other things.

You schlep over to your ILs for Thanksgiving, which is a very American holiday. Nobody is allowed to whine about this, since it still means you travel with kids at peak annoyance time every single bloody year!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've got to establish boundaries. Maybe you travel every other year to the ILs. Children are the perfect excuse to stay home. Tell them you want to create your own family traditions at your home. Get your DH on board, though.

Op here. I guess that is my question- how to get DH on board. He prefers to go to in laws for several reasons
1. They live by the beach in Florida so it feels like a mini vacation for him (doesn’t feel that way to me because I do the bulk of work with the kids, but let’s not derail the thread)
2. In laws have big house suitable for hosting his other siblings as well, we don’t
3. If they didn’t come to us, it would just be our immediate family which would feel lonely (kind of agree with him on this point, holidays are for family)
4. When we go to them, they are great hosts and there is always a ton of food, house is insanely decorated and it just feels festive. We’ve never done anything like that at our place.

So he has legitimate reasons to feel this way. How do I talk him out of it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've got to establish boundaries. Maybe you travel every other year to the ILs. Children are the perfect excuse to stay home. Tell them you want to create your own family traditions at your home. Get your DH on board, though.

Op here. I guess that is my question- how to get DH on board. He prefers to go to in laws for several reasons
1. They live by the beach in Florida so it feels like a mini vacation for him (doesn’t feel that way to me because I do the bulk of work with the kids, but let’s not derail the thread)
2. In laws have big house suitable for hosting his other siblings as well, we don’t
3. If they didn’t come to us, it would just be our immediate family which would feel lonely (kind of agree with him on this point, holidays are for family)
4. When we go to them, they are great hosts and there is always a ton of food, house is insanely decorated and it just feels festive. We’ve never done anything like that at our place.

So he has legitimate reasons to feel this way. How do I talk him out of it?

Easy.

You give him a choice:
A. He does all the kid-wrangling during the trip and while at his parents' house.
B. You all stay home.

Your parenting burden is VERY MUCH FRONT AND CENTER in this discussion. Because frankly, your ILs' house sounds heavenly. The only reason you're not enjoying it is that your husband's a jerk who leaves you with the actual work.

[Anonymous]

Twice in two months every single year sounds insane. No way would I agree to that. I’d start by pitching alternating holidays each year: Christmas this year, Thanksgiving next year, etc. But if even that’s too much, scale back some more. They’re your holidays, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've got to establish boundaries. Maybe you travel every other year to the ILs. Children are the perfect excuse to stay home. Tell them you want to create your own family traditions at your home. Get your DH on board, though.

Op here. I guess that is my question- how to get DH on board. He prefers to go to in laws for several reasons
1. They live by the beach in Florida so it feels like a mini vacation for him (doesn’t feel that way to me because I do the bulk of work with the kids, but let’s not derail the thread)
2. In laws have big house suitable for hosting his other siblings as well, we don’t
3. If they didn’t come to us, it would just be our immediate family which would feel lonely (kind of agree with him on this point, holidays are for family)
4. When we go to them, they are great hosts and there is always a ton of food, house is insanely decorated and it just feels festive. We’ve never done anything like that at our place.

So he has legitimate reasons to feel this way. How do I talk him out of it?

Easy.

You give him a choice:
A. He does all the kid-wrangling during the trip and while at his parents' house.
B. You all stay home.

Your parenting burden is VERY MUCH FRONT AND CENTER in this discussion. Because frankly, your ILs' house sounds heavenly. The only reason you're not enjoying it is that your husband's a jerk who leaves you with the actual work.

This. I would love this setup but my husband handles 65% of child wrangling. You’re not having fun because he is on vacation and you’re on a trip with young kids (which is NOT a vacation) - your experiences are so different and that’s driving the different feelings.

[Anonymous]

There is no way I’d agree to travel there for every Thanksgiving AND Christmas. 2 trips so close together?! I’d ask DH to choose one or the other every year. Perhaps the one trip can be slightly longer than what you have been doing - so one trip for more days instead of spread over 2 trips. If ILs are welcome to travel to you for the other holiday, the ball is in their court.

Your family living further away does not mean all holidays now default to ILs- especially at their home. Don’t feel your wants are any less important here, just because your family lives further. Many families begin celebrating part of the holidays in their own home once they have kids.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you want to start traveling to Australia every year for either thanksgiving or Christmas.

[Anonymous]

I refuse to travel for Thanksgiving. It’s one of my least favorite holidays so I really don’t mind who we see (although I have local family so I haven’t tested it out but I really think I’d feel the same if we didn’t).

I would prioritize the Christmas trip. And definitely try and make your husband help more. Book yourself a spa day while you are down for your one long trip. Plan to do something 1:1 with which IL you like best. No joke he likes flying down and having you handle everything. Don’t do one single thing to help him pack (I always do for my kids because I don’t think they should be punished for my husband’s shortcomings).

[Anonymous]

No way you should do both holidays w them every year! That’s way too expensive, time consuming, and stressful. Also, it’s nice for your kids and you and your husband to establish your own family holiday traditions in your own home too, not to have every single holiday be spent traveling and staying in someone else’s home. For me, thanksgiving is too short of a holiday to travel far. We don’t go anywhere for Thanksgiving unless it’s a (short (as in fewer than 4 hrs or so) driving distance). I would NOT fly at Thanksgiving—way too stressful/$$.

Christmas I’m more flexible bc the kids have more time off school and my spouse and I have more time off work. I prefer to be home on Christmas morning but we almost always fly to my parents or my in laws at some point during Christmas holiday (this year we’re flying to my parents’ for December 17-24; last year we flew to my in laws December 25-Jan 1–our flight left at 3pm Christmas day so we still got to do Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at home and I loved it bc the airports were practically empty since it was Christmas. It wasn’t stressful at all.)