How to avoid traveling to in laws every thanksgiving and Xmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I read this thread I suspected this was really a thing about not liking/enjoying your in laws. Nothing wrong with that. But you should be honest with your husband and be prepared to let him and the kids go by themselves.

I’m guessing that if your husband told you that your nuclear family would spend T-giving week in NYC or some other vacation destination your concerns about expense/travel/packing stress would go away immediately. He’ll see right through that, so be honest with him.

Like you, I’m from a foreign country (much closer than Australia). Christmas was a huge deal in my extended family growing up and I dearly miss it. I’m talking 25 child first cousins all getting together while the Mom’s and dads did adult stuff. Walking as an extended family of nearly 50 the three blocks to Midnight Mass where my extended family had been raised. I truly miss it.

We’ve spent 90% of the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with my in laws here in the USA. Like you, I’d say 80% of that has been at my in laws home which is 3 hours away (car) and we’ve hosted the rest. My in laws are part of a tight knit community, so I’ve incorporated into their traditions and they’ve welcomed me as one of their own. I end up wrangling the kids at the holidays as it is a time for my in laws to catch up given that the family is spread out across the country or childhood friends from the community catch up. I’m not sure how it happened, but at some point about 20 years ago I became the person that cooks Christmas breakfast every single year (pancakes, eggs, sausage and some other items) and I usually cook the Christmas dinner protein. But it isn’t particularly fun for me and I could think of a thousand other places I’d rather be than that mid-size town.

But here is the deal: my wife treasures that family time when everyone is together and my kids love it, too. It is just two weeks out of the year and so I gladly make the best of it, and, if weather permits, I’ll sneak away for a round of golf one day.

It’s not that I don’t like ILs, the dynamic is just different when you’re in someone else’s house for a week or two- it’s their turf so the conversation, the tv, the activities, the food is driven by them and it would be inappropriate to dress too sloppily at any time. I just don’t get the same freedoms I usually would in my own house or on my own vacation. The holidays they came up to us but stayed separately was the best holiday we ever had- we had plenty of time together but I still got to be comfortable in my own space.

I definitely do this for DH. Agree that kid will be happy wherever. Just today he told me how excited he was to go down for thanksgiving, how he loved the food, the space, the outdoors so much. It’s easy to hold a firm line in my head theoretically but the thought of taking that away from him because I don’t want to suck it up makes me feel selfish.

As a PP said, if your DH did more when you are there, you could escape more.

I hear you. I hate Florida too. but if you’re committed to going because everyone else loves it - which is ok - then you need to find a way to enjoy it too. And that probably mean agreement with DH to have the kids half the time. And during his half, you can leave and do your own thing. Go to a coffee shop, a mall, a library, swim.

Do you work? If so, set up work projects that “need” to be done a couple hours a day.

I can assure you that my husband doesn’t get to skip out on child care just because he works. I work too, I’m the same field. If I can work and come home to parent, so can he. And so can yours whether you work or not.

+100
Your dh can make it better for you, but you have to advocate for yourself without all these apologies you are giving. My kids are older now, but i fear you will look back in 15 years at the holidays with so much resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just do 1 either Thanksgiving or Christmas.

You both have to get over the idea that holidays are about extended family.They aren’t. How old are your kids and how many do you have? Do you like Thanksgiving food?

Personally I would travel for Thanksgiving and do Christmas at home. None of us like Thanksgiving food so making a bunch of food that we don’t even like when it would only be the four of us was silly. Though our best Thanksgiving was actually going on vacation and eating at a nice restaurants for Thanksgiving, no one ordered turkey.

Personally I also like having the house decorated for Christmas, doing Christmas stuff leading up to Christmas and on Christmas Day just staying in pajamas while the kids play with their toys. DH grew up with always going to Christmas at his grandmothers so his parents never decorated or did much for the holiday which he found sad. He loves that our house has all the Christmas bells and whistles.

Op here. Part of the reason I want the holidays to be about extended family is because I want my kids to remember that it’s important to spend holidays with grandparents too. I know DCUM is big on hard lines and boundary setting so this is not a popular view, but I would be very sad if my kids never wanted to spend the holidays with me when I’m old. I would absolutely travel to them though if they prefer it.

To all those saying my DH should do more, he actually does a lot on the actual holiday day (tgiving and Xmas) when he has no work. But almost all the days leading up and after it, he has to work for at least a few hours everyday. He runs his own business so he is never truly off- when there is work, there’s work. It feels unfair to ask him to then do hours of childcare after working.

This isn’t the way this works. You are giving your kids memories of spending holidays in Florida with their grandparents and cousins. What you aren’t doing is creating holiday memories as a family. When they are older and have their own families, they get to pick where they go and what they do. This is the only time in your life where you actually get to decide what they do for holidays. You are wasting precious years doing things you don’t want to hoping it will work out for you later. It’s not going to.

Op here. This post really spoke to me. I think I really needed to hear this, thank you.

NP I had lots of friends and even some boyfriends who had no nuclear family traditions for holidays. As soon as their grandparents died, all traditions fell apart. Several of them went to their boyfriends or girlfriend's houses instead because they didn't have traditions or a place to go for holidays. "My parents didn't celebrate much."

You only really have 18 years to have the magical holidays that you want. I believe kids deserve to wake up in their beds. Grandparents can always travel to you instead.

My kids love going to their grandparents' for Christmas, but the year we couldn't go because of COVID, we managed to have a nice Christmas with just our nuclear family.

It's fine for OP to decide she wants some Christmases at home or in Australia, but let's not act as though spending Christmas somewhere other than home is setting the stage for eventual doom.

[Anonymous]

You spend way too much time making everyone else happy at the expense of your sanity. Your husband could stay home for one holiday every other year or something.

And honestly, just don’t wear a bra. Everyone will survive. Bring your tablet and lie around in bed watching what you want to watch while your husband cares for the kids. Stop caring so much about sweets. Make some plans for just the 4 of you some of the time. Ask them to babysit and do a date night. There are lots of compromises here. While I totally would not go on all these trips, you also sound pretty rigid.

[Anonymous]

OP - why isn't this an inlaw-problem-to-solve? You live here ... gosh, I wonder what they will do?

As long as they are not elderly and can't travel, this does not have to be a -your family- problem to solve.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you see the merits to traveling but find it stressful and expensive with the kids. First question: does your family actually have the money? Is spending the money on the flights taking away from something else you want to do but can’t because you don’t have the money? If not, and it just “seems expensive,” I recommend disregarding that factor. I say this as someone who hates to spend money, period, because I grew up with parents who never had enough. Sometimes things just cost a lot of money, but if you have the money to spend, it’s not really an issue.
Second, it sounds like a big source of the stress is having to do everything related to the kids. This is one where you may need to just drop the ball. Let your kids pack their suitcases, and if they forget something, you can buy it there or they can go without. DO NOT buy gifts for your husband’s family, obviously. Don’t stress about the logistics; let your husband handle them, e.g., if he asks when you want to leave for the airport, put it back on him: “Hmmm, I’m not sure, what do you think?” Don’t unpack. Your kids can live out of their suitcase during the visit. (Oh, and obviously if you are booking flights, rental car, any of that, your husband needs to handle it. If he never gets around to booking the flights, oops, guess you don’t go!)
Related, treat the trip to your in-laws as a vacation for yourself. You’re going to disappear to take a nap every afternoon. You’re going to go for a walk to stretch your legs. You’re going to run to the store to pick something up and not come back for a few hours. Find a cute coffee shop and go hang out for a few hours; bring back a treat for the family to share. If your husband complains about it, let him know: I told you that travel is stressful and I didn’t want to do it, these are my ways of coping with my stress. But don’t have a big conversation about it beforehand; just act like a man and do whatever you want and assume someone else will deal with the kids.
To address a few of your specific points:
- Get comfortable. Stop feeling like you need to be “on” or like you need to dress up. Figure out something you can wear and be comfortable but still feel put together. Maybe that means buying yourself some upscale loungewear so you still feel put together, and maybe buying it “for the trip” will make you more excited about going.
- Cook meals at your in-laws if you don’t like what they cook, duh. I started buying frozen vegetables when we visit my MIL because she doesn’t really do veggies. If your in-laws insist no one else can cook the main meal, go get the ingredients and make a nice big fresh salad to contribute and have that constitute 90% of your own dinner.
- My goodness, why do you need 1:1 time with your DH while he’s visiting his family, it’s one week twice a year. But if you MUST have alone time with him, have you said that? Would your in-laws watch the kids while you go out for a date night?
- Don’t hang out with your in-laws? Just because you’re visiting their house doesn’t mean you have to be conversing with them the entire time, sheesh.
- LOOSEN UP ON SCREEN TIME AND SWEETS, what on earth. You’re making this so hard on yourself for no reason.

[Anonymous]

hi, are you me?

My family is scattered over the world so I've always gone to my inlaws (6 hours away) for Tgiving and Xmas because DH and DD love it there. Finally, after 20 years of this, last Xmas I had enough and told my husband I wasn't willing to do it anymore. YOu will be me in a decade if you don't do something now, OP.