How to avoid traveling to in laws every thanksgiving and Xmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course your husband wants to keep it status quo. It's great for him! But what are you getting?
I would either cut it down to one trip. Increase visits to your parents to every 2-3 years with the money you save. I wouldn't do a darn thing to make these trips so easy for him. He needs to do all the travel arrangements, pack for the kids and watch them 50% of the time. You are making it far too enjoyable for him and he doesn't understand how much work it is. You need to not save him when he doesn't adequately plan.

This is it.

Bottom line: inlaws are definitely not going to travel to you. So your options are to 1) travel as normal and arrange it so your husband does all the heavy lifting on logistics and kid care; 2) all stay home and celebrate one of the holidays as a nuclear family; 3) send your spouse/kids to the inlaws solo for a Thanksgiving and enjoy a few days of freedom and relaxation at home.

If it were me, I'd do #3 one time to really drive home how much work is involved in the travel. And then I'd hope we could shift toward a mix of #1 and #2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These threads are always sooo good.

“OP, it’s important that you tell your family to f*ck off during family holidays. Family holidays are about you and your kids only. No one else matters. Forge your own traditions, which means flush tradition down the toilet.”

Then we’ll get to see you on the Adult Children forum in a decade or two lamenting that your grown kids want nothing to do with you. Karma, baby!

I really don’t understand this perspective. Obviously things change as families change. I’m a PP who refuses to travel on Thanksgiving because my ILs live near a huge city that is a nightmare on big travel days. We tried multiple different ways to get there and it was a mess and/or insanely expensive every time. We go many but not every year for Easter and don’t run into these same problems because we have more time to work with thanks to spring break. That is just reality. My ILs are welcome to come to us but have chosen not to. Also fine! And perhaps it will change some day as my SIL has also decided that they can no longer travel there for thanksgiving.

Growing up we never spent any big holidays with my dads side of the family. He has a ton of siblings and we do big get togethers every year- one in the summer and one during the Christmas season but not on Christmas Day. I have really really special memories of all of these. My grandparents joined one kids nuclear family for Christmas Day each year. I think Thanksgiving too but I don’t remember. I know they had an open invitation to our house. My mom was always so grateful to her ILs for being flexible and coming up with these great solutions that added to the fun rather than taking away from it. In turn she’s very flexible with her own kids including us. I hope to be the same.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like his main reason is that it’s a vacay time for him.

Perhaps agree to a compromise? Like how about every other year alternate staying at your home and then other year at in-laws?

[Anonymous]

I think you start doing Thanksgiving at home, and then travel over Christmas?

How old are your kids OP? I can't imagine doing all this flying when you have HS or MS kids.

If they're young and not missing school, then eh? Are you working? If so another reason that T-giving is too much.

Now that our kids are older, we do Thanksgiving here, and guess what, our parents come. I can't travel with older kids when they only have off 3 days from school. They need that time to relax and catch up on sleep etc as well.

[Anonymous]

Why is it stressful? We traveled every holiday. Once by car (6 hours to my family) and the other holiday by plane (to see ILs).

Do you make reservations, pack the suitcases and go. If you forget something he run to the store.
For Christmas I used to order things to be sent directly to parents or in-laws home.

If it’s stressful, once you get there, that is a completely different story.

[Anonymous]

Why not invite them to your house? Plenty of 80 and 90 year olds are flying.

[Anonymous]

How about this, OP? You tell DH if he wants to go, he needs to do a lot more of the work. Play it out in specifics. Either he will do it, and it will be more enjoyable for you, or he will do it and realize he doesn’t want the hassle. Or he won’t do it and you have a reason to insist no traveling next time.

[Anonymous]

OP, fwiw, I have to travel for both Christmas and Thanksgiving. Christmas one year with DH's family, Thanksgiving with mine, the swap the next year. No fun with little ones, and it never stops. The older the parents get the less ability to stop.

As someone else said, of course your DH loves it. He gets two FL vacations being waited on by his mom at the very least and having no child responsibilities. He has to understand that this is in no way fair.

Christmas there sounds fun. I would do Christmas there and get DH to help, then stay home for Thanksgiving. One trip and make it enjoyable for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not invite them to your house? Plenty of 80 and 90 year olds are flying.

Why not read before posting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it stressful? We traveled every holiday. Once by car (6 hours to my family) and the other holiday by plane (to see ILs).

Do you make reservations, pack the suitcases and go. If you forget something he run to the store.
For Christmas I used to order things to be sent directly to parents or in-laws home.

If it’s stressful, once you get there, that is a completely different story.

Not OP, but in the thread it is clear DH is getting to hang out and have fun while she does the bulk of the childcare in IL's house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not invite them to your house? Plenty of 80 and 90 year olds are flying.

Why not read before posting?

Hahahaha, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about this, OP? You tell DH if he wants to go, he needs to do a lot more of the work. Play it out in specifics. Either he will do it, and it will be more enjoyable for you, or he will do it and realize he doesn’t want the hassle. Or he won’t do it and you have a reason to insist no traveling next time.

DP, and I agree. Though hopefully he isn't like that other poster from the IL thread with the mean cousin where the DH says he will stay at the house and help, then in front of everyone say: Do you mind if I go run errands, or do something with his sibling.

[Anonymous]

I honestly would have your husband read this post. So he does get it that it's not you being difficult, but that it's really not enjoyable to you. Of course his mom probably gushes all over him and he's got a happy mama with none of the work. He needs to prioritize you as a wife, and your children. Little kids don't travel easily. It is so stressful to be out of their own environment, perhaps miss bedtimes, then they get sick. Nope to doing it twice in two months.
The only thing I don't agree with is that they need to come to you. It doesn't sound like you have a good setup for that. But have a lovely relaxed holiday at home with just your immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've got to establish boundaries. Maybe you travel every other year to the ILs. Children are the perfect excuse to stay home. Tell them you want to create your own family traditions at your home. Get your DH on board, though.

Op here. I guess that is my question- how to get DH on board. He prefers to go to in laws for several reasons
1. They live by the beach in Florida so it feels like a mini vacation for him (doesn’t feel that way to me because I do the bulk of work with the kids, but let’s not derail the thread)
2. In laws have big house suitable for hosting his other siblings as well, we don’t
3. If they didn’t come to us, it would just be our immediate family which would feel lonely (kind of agree with him on this point, holidays are for family)
4. When we go to them, they are great hosts and there is always a ton of food, house is insanely decorated and it just feels festive. We’ve never done anything like that at our place.

So he has legitimate reasons to feel this way. How do I talk him out of it?

Easy.

You give him a choice:
A. He does all the kid-wrangling during the trip and while at his parents' house.
B. You all stay home.

Your parenting burden is VERY MUCH FRONT AND CENTER in this discussion. Because frankly, your ILs' house sounds heavenly. The only reason you're not enjoying it is that your husband's a jerk who leaves you with the actual work.

This is 100% it. My in-laws do the same thing over the holidays, and we go most years -- frankly because the trip is a true vacation for me. My MIL has always believed the purpose of these visits is to give us a vacation, and by "us" she really means "me." They take on the childcare burden and also make sure my DH is doing his share. Kids want to go into the pool? Great. DH and in-laws watch and take care of them while I relax in our room eating all the fab snacks and drinking all the wine in-laws stocked. This is what you need.

[Anonymous]

I actually think you sending him without you one year could solve a lot of this. I would happily miss one TG with my kids to help my husband understand how much work this whole thing is for you. And I would not be a jerk to him about it. I would just say “listen, I totally get that these trips feel like a vacation for you, but they don’t for me. I think this year, I just want to have our whole house to myself while you take the kids. You guys will have a great time. And I will get some solo time to decompress.” And then, see how the trip goes for him. Maybe he will have the time of his life and maybe you will realize that you could do less on these trips by heading him describe how he handled it. Maybe he will realize it is a pain in the butt. Who knows? But you might both learn a lot from it.