How to avoid traveling to in laws every thanksgiving and Xmas

[Anonymous]

Listen we would go to one set of grandparents for lunch and another for dinner for every holiday.... While I have some very fond of memories of all of us being together and it being fun, the amount of stress that mom put on our family getting ready for these events was crazy. We would spend days before packing and preparing and then when we got home it was several days worth of laundry and house chores..... I hated it.... And my husband had a similar childhood so we are doing everything we can to have low key relaxing holidays here at our house as well as with extended family but we don't kill ourselves to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just do 1 either Thanksgiving or Christmas.

You both have to get over the idea that holidays are about extended family.They aren’t. How old are your kids and how many do you have? Do you like Thanksgiving food?

Personally I would travel for Thanksgiving and do Christmas at home. None of us like Thanksgiving food so making a bunch of food that we don’t even like when it would only be the four of us was silly. Though our best Thanksgiving was actually going on vacation and eating at a nice restaurants for Thanksgiving, no one ordered turkey.

Personally I also like having the house decorated for Christmas, doing Christmas stuff leading up to Christmas and on Christmas Day just staying in pajamas while the kids play with their toys. DH grew up with always going to Christmas at his grandmothers so his parents never decorated or did much for the holiday which he found sad. He loves that our house has all the Christmas bells and whistles.

Op here. Part of the reason I want the holidays to be about extended family is because I want my kids to remember that it’s important to spend holidays with grandparents too. I know DCUM is big on hard lines and boundary setting so this is not a popular view, but I would be very sad if my kids never wanted to spend the holidays with me when I’m old. I would absolutely travel to them though if they prefer it.

To all those saying my DH should do more, he actually does a lot on the actual holiday day (tgiving and Xmas) when he has no work. But almost all the days leading up and after it, he has to work for at least a few hours everyday. He runs his own business so he is never truly off- when there is work, there’s work. It feels unfair to ask him to then do hours of childcare after working.

But you work too whether inside the home or outside.... Why is it fair for him to ask you to do a lot more child care labor and getting ready for these trips to see his family then what he is willing to do?? If you don't see your value then why should he??

[Anonymous]

I didn't know that on days that I actually had some things to do in the office I no longer had to parent..... I work 5 to 6 days a week so I guess the only day I parent will be Sunday... thanks For the tip OP.

In all seriousness though, you need to get over this idea that your husband has a job so he can't be a father and help with trips. No wonder this is a relaxing vacation for him. He puts in a few hours of work and get several days off to just relax and do whatever he wants.... His mom likely has food prepared that he likes or gets him snacks that he likes while you are stuck watching kids so they don't drown in a Florida pool... There's no way I would be signing up for this every year, let alone two holidays a year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents live in Australia and it’s too expensive to visit them regularly, so every thanksgiving and almost all Christmases are spent with in laws who live a 2.5 hour flight away. Didn’t really question the arrangement until we had kids. It is so stressful (and expensive) to fly with kids during the holiday season, and twice in 2 months every single year feels like a lot. I’d suck it up for DH’s turn if we alternated holidays with my family, but we go to mine once every 4-5 years at most because of how far away they are.

DH wants to stick with going to in laws because we wouldn’t go anywhere else anyway (we both agree that those two holidays should be spent with family, not on vacation), but I want to ask that they come up for one holiday a year instead of us going down for both. How do I convince everyone to get on board?

DH doesn’t like the idea because he likes being at in laws’ much bigger house with a pool, in laws won’t like the idea because they don’t like traveling and they feel that their home is much more suitable for hosting. Our place is small (the one time they flew to us when I was heavily pregnant, they didn’t want to stay with us and instead rented a whole house for themselves close by so they could have more room) but I just feel happier not having to pack, travel, unpack, get kids used to new environment, pay thousands in flights and want to stay home for at least one holiday. Help me.

you are a family too. just keep that in mind. you deserve to make your own family traditions.

[Anonymous]

Just say no. Fight it out with your DH and then he tells them you are not coming. I have a very strong preference for being at home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. My parents are willing to travel to us for Christmas so they are often at our house. ILs will not travel so we don't see them over the holidays.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your husband needs to cut the cord and is enjoying these winter vacations to Florida a bit too much.... Does he realize holidays are about creating traditions and being with family and not just lounging at a Florida pool...
I like my in-laws but it took several conversations with my husband after we had kids that visits to his parents were not me babysitting all weekend while he laid on the couch and watch sports with his dad..... He truly didn't understand why he couldn't do that anymore once we had children. Now I don't care if he lays around watching sports, but he needs to do his fair share of child labor just because we're visiting his parents does not mean I'm his on-call nanny. One trip we were there for 3 days and I swear I don't think he got off the couch for more than 30 minutes the entire time. His mom would cook his food and bring it to him. He would take naps him and his dad would watch sports and war movies and I'm wrestling with and trying to entertain a 2-year-old in a non-child proof old house..... While his mom continued to repeat stories about people, I do not know.... Let's just say that experience never happened again

[Anonymous]

OP your idea that traveling to your in laws every holiday will mean that your children when grown will feel obligated to spend every holiday with you is really off base.

1. Whether your kids spend every holiday you is dependent on your adult relationship with them, logistics, and who they marry. Do not buy into the boomer manipulation that if you don’t do what boomers want then your kids will never do what you want. People will do what works for them and good people don’t expect visits out of obligation.

2. If you spend the next 10-15-20 years being hosted by someone else for every holiday then why would kids have any nostalgia or connection to traveling to you for holidays? Are you planning on starting hosting and getting all the stuff when they are adults? Are you expecting them to host you?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't travel at Christmas time. Kids deserve to wake up in their own beds and have the *magic* occur at your house. There's so much to do in the DC area too.

[Anonymous]

I grew up going to my grandparents house every single weekend because they lived in the same city as us.... And spending at least part of every holiday with them.... Because of that I do not prioritize having to go back and see my family because I saw the stress and craziness that every single holiday was and all I wanted was to wake up in my own bed and play with my toys on Christmas without having to pack up 20 lbs of food and drive all over the city. We used to not get back until late at night but I remember having to help unload the car and load the dishwasher and do dishes from the day. I love and enjoyed my grandparents but holidays sucked. And mom and dad always ended up in some stupid fight about forgetting a soup spoon or something and dad having to go back home and pick it up.

[Anonymous]

Who wants Christmas in Florida when you can have snow?

[Anonymous]

OP, I posted on the previous page about how we do Thanksgiving at ILs and Christmas at home. But I wanted to add a more general comment:

Your DH is likely like a lot of men and has a limited imagination about what family holidays can look like outside of their own family traditions. My DH was just like this. He just had no clue what hosting our own Christmas would look like. He was extremely reluctant to not go to his parents because (1) it was truly all he'd ever known, and (2) he didn't want to upset them.

Our first couple holidays at home were a bit hard for him. He liked some things but he missed certain traditions and just took time to acclimate. It took a bit of time for us to establish our own thing -- those first couple years, we had fewer decorations, I don't think we even had stockings yet, we weren't sure how to do meals or Christmas morning, especially when kids were too young to get excited. We tried different things -- going out to eat, cooking, takeout. It was tricky with babies and sometimes it didn't feel as festive as we hoped.

But then the year our oldest turned, I think, 3, everything clicked. She was aware it was Christmas and got excited. We did advent calendars, a tree, put up more decor. We invited friends over for "winter solstice" the week before, before any of them were traveling, and served mulled wine and pulled pork sandwiches (something we still do). We made pasta from scratch on Christmas Eve and had our oldest help. We did "Santa" and left out cookies and milk. On Christmas Day we put on old movie musicals, made a mess of pancakes, and then put the kids in hiking backpacks and did a Christmas hike. We had leftovers for dinner, put the exhausted kids to bed early, and had a quiet "date" in our living room just the two of us. It was, and still is, perfect.

And now DH wouldn't go back to his parents for Christmas if I paid him. He didn't know. We had to build the holiday from scratch. But that's *the whole point.* It's exactly what we want. It meets everyone's needs. It's designed for a family with young kids, unlike ILs Christmas which is designed for a retired couple in their 70s and their adult kids (no other grandkids).

I view this as a rite of passage for parents. I'm not completely averse to doing something else, and I think eventually we will (our kids will grow up and have other needs, families of their own). But we created this holiday for our kids and our family and we make amazing memories for all involve. It's about us, right now, and not about reliving the Christmases my DH remembers from growing up. He didn't get that before and now he does. Sometimes you need to pull them along a bit. He couldn't see it. I could.

[Anonymous]

If you didn't/don't have a warm relationship with parents or inlaws, the only thing that makes the visit interesting is the fact that it's built around an occasion, in this case, Thanksgiving or Christmas. If those holiday traditions aren't pleasant either, it's time to move on to making your own holiday plans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just do 1 either Thanksgiving or Christmas.

You both have to get over the idea that holidays are about extended family.They aren’t. How old are your kids and how many do you have? Do you like Thanksgiving food?

Personally I would travel for Thanksgiving and do Christmas at home. None of us like Thanksgiving food so making a bunch of food that we don’t even like when it would only be the four of us was silly. Though our best Thanksgiving was actually going on vacation and eating at a nice restaurants for Thanksgiving, no one ordered turkey.

Personally I also like having the house decorated for Christmas, doing Christmas stuff leading up to Christmas and on Christmas Day just staying in pajamas while the kids play with their toys. DH grew up with always going to Christmas at his grandmothers so his parents never decorated or did much for the holiday which he found sad. He loves that our house has all the Christmas bells and whistles.

Op here. Part of the reason I want the holidays to be about extended family is because I want my kids to remember that it’s important to spend holidays with grandparents too. I know DCUM is big on hard lines and boundary setting so this is not a popular view, but I would be very sad if my kids never wanted to spend the holidays with me when I’m old. I would absolutely travel to them though if they prefer it.

To all those saying my DH should do more, he actually does a lot on the actual holiday day (tgiving and Xmas) when he has no work. But almost all the days leading up and after it, he has to work for at least a few hours everyday. He runs his own business so he is never truly off- when there is work, there’s work. It feels unfair to ask him to then do hours of childcare after working.

I don’t run my own business, so no, I don’t know what I’m talking about here. But from the outside it appears that if you’re financially well enough to take at least three people on four flights within a month, he probably can take more than two days off — or swap his schedule so that the absolutely necessary logistics work happens after the kids go to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've got to establish boundaries. Maybe you travel every other year to the ILs. Children are the perfect excuse to stay home. Tell them you want to create your own family traditions at your home. Get your DH on board, though.

Op here. I guess that is my question- how to get DH on board. He prefers to go to in laws for several reasons
1. They live by the beach in Florida so it feels like a mini vacation for him (doesn’t feel that way to me because I do the bulk of work with the kids, but let’s not derail the thread)
2. In laws have big house suitable for hosting his other siblings as well, we don’t
3. If they didn’t come to us, it would just be our immediate family which would feel lonely (kind of agree with him on this point, holidays are for family)
4. When we go to them, they are great hosts and there is always a ton of food, house is insanely decorated and it just feels festive. We’ve never done anything like that at our place.

So he has legitimate reasons to feel this way. How do I talk him out of it?

So what do his other siblings do for these holidays?
I mean you can’t expect for them to come to you and not do any of the hosting duties either re:4 above.
What is your ideal scenario?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We travel out of the country and bring a nanny so it's pretty low stress for us. But it sounds like that isn't quite your goal. Either make traveling to them easier for you (can you leave some stuff there in November so it's there in December?) or just decide to throw a Friendsgiving at your house and announce you're staying home. They're welcome to come to you if they want.

Keep in mind that old people (and sometimes this is physical age and sometimes it's state of mind) get frazzled out of their routines (kind of like babies), and at least they have the presence of mind to know that. Sounds like them staying with you would be cramped and uncomfortable for them.

The thing is, the older you get the less f**ks you give, and you do what you want. That's what your in-laws are doing. You can do it too - you can decide you're not going. Your DH might decide to take the kids there himself, or get really pissed at you, but when you give zero f**ks, you just ... don't care. So it's up to you.

Useless irrelevant and nasty humble brag. Oh, and do you ever take care of your kids yourself by the way? When they grow up they’re not going to give you the time of day. You reap what you sow.

NP. Get over it. Some people have a lot of money. It wasn’t a humble brag. It’s her life.

Of course it was a humble brag.