How to avoid traveling to in laws every thanksgiving and Xmas

[Anonymous]

Yikes - do you ever get to see your family?

I would give up on the in-laws coming to you for the holidays.

If you really want to spend both holidays with his family you suck it up and as PP have said, try to get your husband to be responsible fir more. I can totally picture him going into vacation mode since it’s his parents and siblings.

I would choose to do one holiday or the other, or maybe alternate which year is Thanksgiving and which year is Christmas.

[Anonymous]

This is a DH problem. He’s being selfish snd needs to be the one to say to in-laws that you stay home for one of these holidays and they are welcome to come to you.

[Anonymous]

The answer is that you should send your husband alone with the kids to his parents for Thanksgiving. Let him figure out the travel. It’s the only way for him to see that the holidays are not always a vacation.

Have some nice alone time. You’ll be fine and so will your kids.

It’s the only card you have to play and let your spouse know that you’re serious about stopping this ridiculous travel in the span of a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've got to establish boundaries. Maybe you travel every other year to the ILs. Children are the perfect excuse to stay home. Tell them you want to create your own family traditions at your home. Get your DH on board, though.

Op here. I guess that is my question- how to get DH on board. He prefers to go to in laws for several reasons
1. They live by the beach in Florida so it feels like a mini vacation for him (doesn’t feel that way to me because I do the bulk of work with the kids, but let’s not derail the thread)
2. In laws have big house suitable for hosting his other siblings as well, we don’t
3. If they didn’t come to us, it would just be our immediate family which would feel lonely (kind of agree with him on this point, holidays are for family)
4. When we go to them, they are great hosts and there is always a ton of food, house is insanely decorated and it just feels festive. We’ve never done anything like that at our place.

So he has legitimate reasons to feel this way. How do I talk him out of it?

Stop this line of thinking. You’re looking for some magic argument. It’s not there. Instead you have to simply refuse to go. You’re not doing it as a punishment. You’re setting a boundary that you’re tired of traveling at a stressful time of the year. You’re not telling him he can’t go. You’re just saying what you’re done doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've got to establish boundaries. Maybe you travel every other year to the ILs. Children are the perfect excuse to stay home. Tell them you want to create your own family traditions at your home. Get your DH on board, though.

Op here. I guess that is my question- how to get DH on board. He prefers to go to in laws for several reasons
1. They live by the beach in Florida so it feels like a mini vacation for him (doesn’t feel that way to me because I do the bulk of work with the kids, but let’s not derail the thread)
2. In laws have big house suitable for hosting his other siblings as well, we don’t
3. If they didn’t come to us, it would just be our immediate family which would feel lonely (kind of agree with him on this point, holidays are for family)
4. When we go to them, they are great hosts and there is always a ton of food, house is insanely decorated and it just feels festive. We’ve never done anything like that at our place.

So he has legitimate reasons to feel this way. How do I talk him out of it?

Easy.

You give him a choice:
A. He does all the kid-wrangling during the trip and while at his parents' house.
B. You all stay home.

Your parenting burden is VERY MUCH FRONT AND CENTER in this discussion. Because frankly, your ILs' house sounds heavenly. The only reason you're not enjoying it is that your husband's a jerk who leaves you with the actual work.

Two holidays. Two parents. Split the “primary parent” so you each get a vacation.

[Anonymous]

Thanksgiving and Christmas are so close together. It’s not reasonable for DH to want you to travel with kids for both. We don’t travel for Christmas because of Santa.

[Anonymous]

Like others have said, this is a DH issue like you already know.
Tell him you enjoy visiting his parents but you won't be preparing the family for both holidays. Pick which one you want and tell in the option is he takes on the other or you stay home for that holiday.
He takes over one entire holiday and that does mean the entire holiday... Including packing back up to come home and doing all of the laundry for the children when you arrive back home.
Airfare, packing, snacks, food, transportation, getting kids ready, laundry etc. you pack for yourself and show up.
But you have to be willing to let him fail. You have to be willing to pack no underwear and have to go to Target in Florida to buy some more. You have to be willing to let him forget sunscreen and have to go buy more. You have to be willing to have your kids wearing this matched outfits. It hurts in the short term but trust me it will free up so much for you.

[Anonymous]

One good thing is as our kids have gotten older and have gotten into more events We can't really travel for some holidays like we used to due to their schedule..... My son had soccer tournament Saturday after Thanksgiving one year so we stayed home for Thanksgiving instead of flying to visit family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We travel out of the country and bring a nanny so it's pretty low stress for us. But it sounds like that isn't quite your goal. Either make traveling to them easier for you (can you leave some stuff there in November so it's there in December?) or just decide to throw a Friendsgiving at your house and announce you're staying home. They're welcome to come to you if they want.

Keep in mind that old people (and sometimes this is physical age and sometimes it's state of mind) get frazzled out of their routines (kind of like babies), and at least they have the presence of mind to know that. Sounds like them staying with you would be cramped and uncomfortable for them.

The thing is, the older you get the less f**ks you give, and you do what you want. That's what your in-laws are doing. You can do it too - you can decide you're not going. Your DH might decide to take the kids there himself, or get really pissed at you, but when you give zero f**ks, you just ... don't care. So it's up to you.

Useless irrelevant and nasty humble brag. Oh, and do you ever take care of your kids yourself by the way? When they grow up they’re not going to give you the time of day. You reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like others have said, this is a DH issue like you already know.
Tell him you enjoy visiting his parents but you won't be preparing the family for both holidays. Pick which one you want and tell in the option is he takes on the other or you stay home for that holiday.
He takes over one entire holiday and that does mean the entire holiday... Including packing back up to come home and doing all of the laundry for the children when you arrive back home.
Airfare, packing, snacks, food, transportation, getting kids ready, laundry etc. you pack for yourself and show up.
But you have to be willing to let him fail. You have to be willing to pack no underwear and have to go to Target in Florida to buy some more. You have to be willing to let him forget sunscreen and have to go buy more. You have to be willing to have your kids wearing this matched outfits. It hurts in the short term but trust me it will free up so much for you.

+1. Although, while he has good arguments so do you. It isn't reasonable to ask you all to taken on the burden, expense and hassle of traveling at two peak times of the year.

With regard to the loneliness, you'd be surprised. In our case, my husband's parents have both passed and mine are hundreds of miles away so we only travel for one of those holidays each year. It feels like it would be lonely because you've never had the opportunity as a nuclear family to create your own traditions. Fill that time with fun as a family, whatever that means for you. For us, at Thanksgiving that means a family turkey trot, watching the Macy's parade, eating a fun meal that isn't tied to traditional Thanksgiving foods. We decorate for Christmas that weekend and do one or two fun outings like museums or more holiday type things like the Downtown Christmas Market or Bull Run Lights. Invite friends to join you for the meal or for a happy hour at your house on Friday.

Christmas we similarly have a list of things to choose from. In Off Topic go find the thread about things to do in the holiday season, people have included a lot of outings. Add in all the at-home stuff like baking cookies and delivering to neighbors, or driving around to look at lights with hot chocolate in your pajamas.

I love family but also think it's really important as a nuclear family to have our own traditions and experiences.

[Anonymous]

Curious—do your parents ever come visit you from Australia? Bc that would be a big reason to stay home for Christmas.

[Anonymous]

I feel really bad for you that you visit the inlaws so much (at at peak prices!!) and yet you go to australia so infrequently.

Seems to me that Thanksgiving is a great time to visit Australia--cheaper flights, you already have most of the week off, and your kids sound young enough to not be missing school, and isn't it spring right now?? Go enjoy the wonderful waratahs and banksia blooming while you eat breakfast of avo toast (fairy bread for the kids) with flat whites overlooking the beach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like others have said, this is a DH issue like you already know.
Tell him you enjoy visiting his parents but you won't be preparing the family for both holidays. Pick which one you want and tell in the option is he takes on the other or you stay home for that holiday.
He takes over one entire holiday and that does mean the entire holiday... Including packing back up to come home and doing all of the laundry for the children when you arrive back home.
Airfare, packing, snacks, food, transportation, getting kids ready, laundry etc. you pack for yourself and show up.
But you have to be willing to let him fail. You have to be willing to pack no underwear and have to go to Target in Florida to buy some more. You have to be willing to let him forget sunscreen and have to go buy more. You have to be willing to have your kids wearing this matched outfits. It hurts in the short term but trust me it will free up so much for you.

+1. Although, while he has good arguments so do you. It isn't reasonable to ask you all to taken on the burden, expense and hassle of traveling at two peak times of the year.

With regard to the loneliness, you'd be surprised. In our case, my husband's parents have both passed and mine are hundreds of miles away so we only travel for one of those holidays each year. It feels like it would be lonely because you've never had the opportunity as a nuclear family to create your own traditions. Fill that time with fun as a family, whatever that means for you. For us, at Thanksgiving that means a family turkey trot, watching the Macy's parade, eating a fun meal that isn't tied to traditional Thanksgiving foods. We decorate for Christmas that weekend and do one or two fun outings like museums or more holiday type things like the Downtown Christmas Market or Bull Run Lights. Invite friends to join you for the meal or for a happy hour at your house on Friday.

Christmas we similarly have a list of things to choose from. In Off Topic go find the thread about things to do in the holiday season, people have included a lot of outings. Add in all the at-home stuff like baking cookies and delivering to neighbors, or driving around to look at lights with hot chocolate in your pajamas.

I love family but also think it's really important as a nuclear family to have our own traditions and experiences.

In other words, you don’t really even celebrate Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel really bad for you that you visit the inlaws so much (at at peak prices!!) and yet you go to australia so infrequently.

Seems to me that Thanksgiving is a great time to visit Australia--cheaper flights, you already have most of the week off, and your kids sound young enough to not be missing school, and isn't it spring right now?? Go enjoy the wonderful waratahs and banksia blooming while you eat breakfast of avo toast (fairy bread for the kids) with flat whites overlooking the beach.

Have you lost your mind?? You can’t go to Australia for a week or less.

[Anonymous]

These threads are always sooo good.

“OP, it’s important that you tell your family to f*ck off during family holidays. Family holidays are about you and your kids only. No one else matters. Forge your own traditions, which means flush tradition down the toilet.”

Then we’ll get to see you on the Adult Children forum in a decade or two lamenting that your grown kids want nothing to do with you. Karma, baby!