How to avoid traveling to in laws every thanksgiving and Xmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel really bad for you that you visit the inlaws so much (at at peak prices!!) and yet you go to australia so infrequently.

Seems to me that Thanksgiving is a great time to visit Australia--cheaper flights, you already have most of the week off, and your kids sound young enough to not be missing school, and isn't it spring right now?? Go enjoy the wonderful waratahs and banksia blooming while you eat breakfast of avo toast (fairy bread for the kids) with flat whites overlooking the beach.

Have you lost your mind?? You can’t go to Australia for a week or less.

Obviously, I would make it a longer visit, the advantage of T-giving week is you already have it off work and it's not an expensive time to fly overseas (as it would be for christmas). If you left Nov 3 you could be in Australia until Nov 26 and you'd only have to take 12 vacation days, because of Thanksgiving day and day after, plus veteran's day (and election day if you get that off).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's entirely unfair that you would bear the stress of travel twice every year at peak traffic times.

I would refuse to go to both events. This is your parenting time and your kids. The grandparents had their time to create traditions with their kids. They don't get to dictate anything now.

I would institute a rule that you stay home for Christmas. You celebrate at home, the kids get to open their presents at home, you can make your house all nice and cozy, and you save your travel money for other things.

You schlep over to your ILs for Thanksgiving, which is a very American holiday. Nobody is allowed to whine about this, since it still means you travel with kids at peak annoyance time every single bloody year!

Have you had good luck with that, dictating rules to your husband?

[Anonymous]

NP I have. I said it's important to me to be in Our home and start our own traditions once we had kids and that is what we do. It's amazing and low stress and we all love it. Jammies, big breakfast, snacks, movies, soups, puzzles and NO rushing or packing or laundry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like others have said, this is a DH issue like you already know.
Tell him you enjoy visiting his parents but you won't be preparing the family for both holidays. Pick which one you want and tell in the option is he takes on the other or you stay home for that holiday.
He takes over one entire holiday and that does mean the entire holiday... Including packing back up to come home and doing all of the laundry for the children when you arrive back home.
Airfare, packing, snacks, food, transportation, getting kids ready, laundry etc. you pack for yourself and show up.
But you have to be willing to let him fail. You have to be willing to pack no underwear and have to go to Target in Florida to buy some more. You have to be willing to let him forget sunscreen and have to go buy more. You have to be willing to have your kids wearing this matched outfits. It hurts in the short term but trust me it will free up so much for you.

+1. Although, while he has good arguments so do you. It isn't reasonable to ask you all to taken on the burden, expense and hassle of traveling at two peak times of the year.

With regard to the loneliness, you'd be surprised. In our case, my husband's parents have both passed and mine are hundreds of miles away so we only travel for one of those holidays each year. It feels like it would be lonely because you've never had the opportunity as a nuclear family to create your own traditions. Fill that time with fun as a family, whatever that means for you. For us, at Thanksgiving that means a family turkey trot, watching the Macy's parade, eating a fun meal that isn't tied to traditional Thanksgiving foods. We decorate for Christmas that weekend and do one or two fun outings like museums or more holiday type things like the Downtown Christmas Market or Bull Run Lights. Invite friends to join you for the meal or for a happy hour at your house on Friday.

Christmas we similarly have a list of things to choose from. In Off Topic go find the thread about things to do in the holiday season, people have included a lot of outings. Add in all the at-home stuff like baking cookies and delivering to neighbors, or driving around to look at lights with hot chocolate in your pajamas.

I love family but also think it's really important as a nuclear family to have our own traditions and experiences.

All of this....it's great to start your own traditions and tbh....FL would get old for me fast. I bet your DH likes it because you and his mom make it a relaxing Vacation for him. Stop doing that. Not saying he can't enjoy himself but he is still a father and a husband..... In Florida. Which means he can do bath times and bedtime routines and make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and throw in a load of laundry and all of the other crap that has to get done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like others have said, this is a DH issue like you already know.
Tell him you enjoy visiting his parents but you won't be preparing the family for both holidays. Pick which one you want and tell in the option is he takes on the other or you stay home for that holiday.
He takes over one entire holiday and that does mean the entire holiday... Including packing back up to come home and doing all of the laundry for the children when you arrive back home.
Airfare, packing, snacks, food, transportation, getting kids ready, laundry etc. you pack for yourself and show up.
But you have to be willing to let him fail. You have to be willing to pack no underwear and have to go to Target in Florida to buy some more. You have to be willing to let him forget sunscreen and have to go buy more. You have to be willing to have your kids wearing this matched outfits. It hurts in the short term but trust me it will free up so much for you.

+1. Although, while he has good arguments so do you. It isn't reasonable to ask you all to taken on the burden, expense and hassle of traveling at two peak times of the year.

With regard to the loneliness, you'd be surprised. In our case, my husband's parents have both passed and mine are hundreds of miles away so we only travel for one of those holidays each year. It feels like it would be lonely because you've never had the opportunity as a nuclear family to create your own traditions. Fill that time with fun as a family, whatever that means for you. For us, at Thanksgiving that means a family turkey trot, watching the Macy's parade, eating a fun meal that isn't tied to traditional Thanksgiving foods. We decorate for Christmas that weekend and do one or two fun outings like museums or more holiday type things like the Downtown Christmas Market or Bull Run Lights. Invite friends to join you for the meal or for a happy hour at your house on Friday.

Christmas we similarly have a list of things to choose from. In Off Topic go find the thread about things to do in the holiday season, people have included a lot of outings. Add in all the at-home stuff like baking cookies and delivering to neighbors, or driving around to look at lights with hot chocolate in your pajamas.

I love family but also think it's really important as a nuclear family to have our own traditions and experiences.

In other words, you don’t really even celebrate Thanksgiving.

That's nasty. To our family a turkey trot, a special meal and the Macy's parade ARE celebrating Thanksgiving. Beyond "spend it with family" what do you do over Thanksgiving weekend that is clearly Thanksgiving-y? OP's point is that she is tired of spending money and effort to travel to be with family for both holidays and I was sharing ideas for making those days fun for her nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you want to start traveling to Australia every year for either thanksgiving or Christmas.

+1

Some of the money you spend on Florida trips could be used on Australia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These threads are always sooo good.

“OP, it’s important that you tell your family to f*ck off during family holidays. Family holidays are about you and your kids only. No one else matters. Forge your own traditions, which means flush tradition down the toilet.”

Then we’ll get to see you on the Adult Children forum in a decade or two lamenting that your grown kids want nothing to do with you. Karma, baby!

Marriages about compromise and to staying home for Thanksgiving. 100% ideal for everyone. No, but that's literally the definition of a compromise...op can tap out whenever she wants and if her husband wants to pick up the slack and pack up the family and make all travel arrangements. He is more than welcome to keep doing so.... She did not sign up to be a family travel agent in perpetuity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1-don't travel for Thanksgiving. ideal option.
2-if they still want DH to go for Thanksgiving, send your DH and kids & stay home. (Say Australians don't have this silly holiday and you don't understand it.)

I don’t want to be away from DH and my kids during the holidays though.

Thanksgiving is not a real holiday, it is just an American thing.

I don't blame your in-laws for not wanting to travel to spend time in a tiny uncomfortable house. I don't think it is fair to ask them to come to you.

Either you suck it up and go twice in a month, or you just do Christmas and let your husband decide what to do for Thanksgiving and you stay home.

[Anonymous]

Traveling for two holidays that are very close together does not seeing my deal, especially if you are doing the majority of the planning and packing and unpacking.
Is there another holiday you could travel instead? Like Easter or spring break?? That way it spreads it out a little bit more and he still has something to look forward to. I would definitely try to incorporate an Australia trip in every other year if possible..... He can't really say you can't afford it when he's willing to go to Florida during the busiest and most expensive travel times of the entire year every single year.
As others have said he really need to make this his issue and problem. You will do Christmas but if he wants to travel for Thanksgiving he needs to do all of the planning. You can sit down and tell him what goes into that but then you need to sit back and either let him succeed or fail. My Husband didn't realize how much time and effort it took to get two kids ready to travel until he had to do it himself one time....

[Anonymous]

Your in-laws setup seems ideal for holidays with children. Mild weather and a pool and cousins? Your kids will love it and make memories to cherish every year.
You have a husband problem, not an in-law problem. Get him to do his fair share of kid duty!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Traveling for two holidays that are very close together does not seeing my deal, especially if you are doing the majority of the planning and packing and unpacking.
Is there another holiday you could travel instead? Like Easter or spring break?? That way it spreads it out a little bit more and he still has something to look forward to. I would definitely try to incorporate an Australia trip in every other year if possible..... He can't really say you can't afford it when he's willing to go to Florida during the busiest and most expensive travel times of the entire year every single year.
As others have said he really need to make this his issue and problem. You will do Christmas but if he wants to travel for Thanksgiving he needs to do all of the planning. You can sit down and tell him what goes into that but then you need to sit back and either let him succeed or fail. My Husband didn't realize how much time and effort it took to get two kids ready to travel until he had to do it himself one time....

Or, to be really passive aggressive, don't do the bolded. No one taught OP how to figure all of this out. Surely her DH can figure it out on his own as well.

[Anonymous]

Of course your husband wants to keep it status quo. It's great for him! But what are you getting?
I would either cut it down to one trip. Increase visits to your parents to every 2-3 years with the money you save. I wouldn't do a darn thing to make these trips so easy for him. He needs to do all the travel arrangements, pack for the kids and watch them 50% of the time. You are making it far too enjoyable for him and he doesn't understand how much work it is. You need to not save him when he doesn't adequately plan.

[Anonymous]

You know you don't have to pack for the holiday or get on the plane or the car.....
He can choose to go if he wants but you and the kids are staying home.... Or if you want a little break tell him to take the kids with but he's 100% in charge of that......
I stopped going to one of the three family reunions. My husband's family has each year. He is welcome to attend if he wants and he can take the kids. But I am doing no part of any of the planning, organizing, packing or unpacking.......he decided really quickly that it was not worth it and has now stopped attending one as well..... Where before it was his hell to die on that we had to go. One day I just said hey will you do you but I'm bowing out now. Have fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your in-laws setup seems ideal for holidays with children. Mild weather and a pool and cousins? Your kids will love it and make memories to cherish every year.
You have a husband problem, not an in-law problem. Get him to do his fair share of kid duty!

It's ideal because I bet her husband gets his favorite foods and doesn't actually have to be a parent while they are visiting...... His wife and mother do it all..... He has no cooking, likely no dishes, minimal kid watching and can just hang and lounge for three or four days..... I bet op would love to do that Australia two times a year while her husband manages the children and plans the holiday travel.
In fact that maybe a good compromise you will go to times to Florida if he goes 1 time to Australia each year. You plan for the trip to your family and he'll plan for ones to his family.

[Anonymous]

FL would NOT be ideal for me
I really hate humidity and I'm not fond of warm weather during winter holidays. I could go for one but not for both and likely not every year. If you're not enjoying it then it's not working for your family and the only reasonable thing to do is to sit down and have a discussion about what would be reasonable going forward.