I hate parenting.

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is wild! I wrote the above before I saw the subsequent page, and in addition to “Sanctimommy,” and “nasty and rude”, she’s been called “trashy,” “smug b,” and “spoiled.” for offering her viewpoint. Did people even read what she had to say before jumping on her back and lifestyle and calling her an awful person? She says neither she nor her husband are high earners, and she took nannying jobs for family and friends to make it work for her. This is an example of a creative and out-of-the-box solution, way better than the typical (trashy, spoiled etc) DCUM response of “just be worth millions and millions of dollars like me, the end”.

I'm a SAHM mom myself but I don't see how telling her to quit her job and spend even more time with her demanding and energetic son is helpful advice.

Interesting. I am a WOHM (and enjoy it) but was going to suggest OP look into a leave of absence before her planned cocktail or SSRIs + therapy. Maybe simplifying life would help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's hard, I also have a 4 yo and hate pretend play, as well as have history of PPD.

First of all give yourself some grace - ALL that you're doing is important, even parts that feel like chores.

Here are a few things that help:
- therapy (we get triggered by parenthood, often reliving some of our own unresolved childhood issues). At minimum it helps to understand and accept why some parts of parenting don't feel like you thought they might.

- you are giving your DH a pass on chores, as many PPs pointed out. Why is that? "doing laundry" without putting it away means just pushing a button. It's not a thing. Folding and putting away is the biggest time suck. Have a frank discussion about chores. There is zero reason he can't go and get groceries but you must do it while doing childcare too.

- outsource. it costs, but it's not forever, and you both work (and considering a private schooling route). Figure out what you want to do the least and pay for it. Meal delivery, cleaning service, more babysitting, whatever. Buy yourself more me-time. It's OK, you deserve it, it will feel 100 times better once you have it.

- I am married to a Catholic, and will say this without any malice. A religion that incorporates a lot of guilt, placed especially on females, might not be your best move until you dig yourself out of the current funk. You can send your child to a Catholic school even if one of the parents is not catholic.

How is this said without malice? You assumed the worst about a religion you don't understand (being married to a Catholic does not automatically mean you understand Catholicism).

I would actually make more sense for OP to lean into her spirituality. It may help put everything in perspective and give you peace and help you let go of the guilt of not always being the perfect mom. Lean into that community, talk to your pastor, go to church at night after bedtime routine and just meditate for 15 minutes.

Read what you want into it. But let's be real here: what do you think any pastor and congregation members will tell her? Give your husband more chores because he currently doesn't do a fair share? More likely it will be about acceptance of her lot in some shape or form and what a woman's role in a traditional family is.

Religion is a mass therapy for those who otherwise would have no access to any. Soothing and pacifying while promising something better after death.

[Anonymous]

Lots of nuclear options. But there are simpler solutions. First of all, hire a sitter. Hire one for several nights of the week. Your kid at that age will thrive with teenage or college kids they love the attention from them. Make sure they play outside with him for at least an hour. Drop the mom guilt. It does no one any good, least of all your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's hard, I also have a 4 yo and hate pretend play, as well as have history of PPD.

First of all give yourself some grace - ALL that you're doing is important, even parts that feel like chores.

Here are a few things that help:
- therapy (we get triggered by parenthood, often reliving some of our own unresolved childhood issues). At minimum it helps to understand and accept why some parts of parenting don't feel like you thought they might.

- you are giving your DH a pass on chores, as many PPs pointed out. Why is that? "doing laundry" without putting it away means just pushing a button. It's not a thing. Folding and putting away is the biggest time suck. Have a frank discussion about chores. There is zero reason he can't go and get groceries but you must do it while doing childcare too.

- outsource. it costs, but it's not forever, and you both work (and considering a private schooling route). Figure out what you want to do the least and pay for it. Meal delivery, cleaning service, more babysitting, whatever. Buy yourself more me-time. It's OK, you deserve it, it will feel 100 times better once you have it.

- I am married to a Catholic, and will say this without any malice. A religion that incorporates a lot of guilt, placed especially on females, might not be your best move until you dig yourself out of the current funk. You can send your child to a Catholic school even if one of the parents is not catholic.

How is this said without malice? You assumed the worst about a religion you don't understand (being married to a Catholic does not automatically mean you understand Catholicism).

I would actually make more sense for OP to lean into her spirituality. It may help put everything in perspective and give you peace and help you let go of the guilt of not always being the perfect mom. Lean into that community, talk to your pastor, go to church at night after bedtime routine and just meditate for 15 minutes.

I agree with this - as someone who completed RCIA while in the thick of parenting young kids. Talk to the pastor running the RCIA class and explain you're really struggling at the moment. He might have some helpful advice or at least kind words, and may be able to guide you on what makes sense at the moment - whether that means putting RCIA on hold and learning about the Catholic faith in other ways (independent reading, support groups at the parish, etc.), or continuing with the weekly sequence of classes.

It's also OK to take your kid into the "cry room" (if your parish has one) or in the lobby during Mass; I see it all the time with our church's young families and have been there myself for many a Sunday, trying to wrangle one or more toddlers. If any churchgoers judge you, well... that's on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Read what you want into it. But let's be real here: what do you think any pastor and congregation members will tell her? Give your husband more chores because he currently doesn't do a fair share? More likely it will be about acceptance of her lot in some shape or form and what a woman's role in a traditional family is.

Religion is a mass therapy for those who otherwise would have no access to any. Soothing and pacifying while promising something better after death.

+1 from a born and raised Catholic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of nuclear options. But there are simpler solutions. First of all, hire a sitter. Hire one for several nights of the week. Your kid at that age will thrive with teenage or college kids they love the attention from them. Make sure they play outside with him for at least an hour. Drop the mom guilt. It does no one any good, least of all your kid.

Also, this is a phase, and it will be over soon. You may enjoy the next phase more, most do. Try not to rush things just to get home and do what? So there’s no point in rushing home. If he wants to one hop in the supermarket just put down the groceries and let him. If you really have somewhere to be (like school) say: we can’t play that right now we can’t be late to school. But don’t overuse that card. It’s also ok to say mommy doesn’t want to play that right now, she needs a break. I also agree with Pp’s that your dh needs to step up more. Have him take ds to the park every sat morning so you can do a class or club.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't know if my life is just dissatisfying, but here's the trauma dump if anyone cares to read it.

My husband makes no effort in our marriage. We haven't gone on a date in 3 years. He plans an annual trips with his group of friends from highschool. They do an annual fishing trip for a week. He used to go fishing every weekend on Saturday and sometimes Sunday mornings. He would leave at 5AM and get back by noon, but be tired and need to take a nap. He has 3 hunting trips so far, he's gone on 2/3 with his Dad on weekend trips. He has plenty of time to go out for lunch/breakfast with his Dad on these trips, have barbecues in the evening. My son and I are never invited.

My husband did not get up in the night for the first 2 years of our sons life. We bought a baby brezza so he could try a formula feeding. He blames it on me breastfeeding and him needing to get up at 5AM for work. I was alone half the time so I just sucked it up. He has started putting our son to bed at night by himself and getting up in the night when our son wakes up.

I asked him last night why he has the ability to plan and go on trips with his buddies and friends but not his wife. He shrugged and said it's what he's done since he's 12 years old. We'll, we've been together a DECADE. I told him if he hasn't figured out how to take his wife on a date he's hopeless if he's stuck in the loop of doing what he's done since he's 12.

I fantasize all the time about leaving him, taking half the equity in the home and buying a condo and doing things I want to do. Like selling my minivan and buying a small little car, like a new Toyota Prius or Corolla. I dream about getting my c-section diastasis recti fixed surgically and having a flat stomach and not being afraid to look at myself in the mirror. I dream about having two weeks alone and not needing to do pick up/drop offs and handle all the administrative duties in my home. I manage the bills, pay for our son's school tuition, order the groceries, clean the house every week by myself (all the mopping, vacuuming, dusting, etc). I do all the cooking and the majority of the cleanup because my husband won't do simple things like wipe the stove off. My husband will occasionally make our son's lunch and breakfast in the morning before he leaves for work. If I need help, I have to ask and tell him specifically what to do. It's like having a teenager for a husband.

Why can't I do this? Because my husband has gotten us into 20K worth of debt. He worked out of state and was gone for 3-4 months at a time. I had to rely on credit cards to buy food and basic necessities. When he came home, he was not managing his company funds properly and setting aside money for taxes. We are 15K in debt with the IRS and 10K in credit card debt. We refinanced our house to pay off our car debt, but it just saddled us with more debt. Our mortgage has gone from a $2400 to a $3000 payment. Right now my husband leaves the house at 6:30/6:45 and gets home around 3PM. Our son is in school from 9-1PM. I am trying to find a nanny but struggling to find someone who's willing to come over for 3 hours.

I haven't divorced him because the cost would come at my child's unhappiness. I would lose half the residential time with my son in his life and childhood. I would have to sell the home my son is so used to. I don't want to shuttle him back and forth for the next 14 years.

I constantly look at condo listings on Zillow for rent or sale and fantasize about having my own life doing the things I want to do, where I am free of the household debt and I have some time to myself and can pay for the things I want and have some time to breathe. I am tired of owning a home, because my husband always finds 3-4 hours of yardwork every Saturday to mow the lawn, blow pine needles off the roof, do the weed whacking or whatever needs to be done and mess around in the garage organizing things.

Our child was not planned. We had been in marriage counseling at the time (because I never felt like a priority, lol) and our marriage had improved. I went off birth control for one month and BAM - pregnant. I had been considering divorce prior to, because my husband would go and hang out with his uncle or brother after work multiple times per week instead of coming home and spending time with me.

Why would he want to be with a frumpy, depressed wife? I don't blame him for going on these fishing trips. He doesn't love me. After I told all of the above last night, he just said "i'm a bad husband and a bad father" feels sorry for himself then STRIPS DOWN naked and comes at me in bed. He sees his responsibility to me as being a financial provider. He's not, we are equal income. I think he earns maybe $400/month more than I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is wild! I wrote the above before I saw the subsequent page, and in addition to “Sanctimommy,” and “nasty and rude”, she’s been called “trashy,” “smug b,” and “spoiled.” for offering her viewpoint. Did people even read what she had to say before jumping on her back and lifestyle and calling her an awful person? She says neither she nor her husband are high earners, and she took nannying jobs for family and friends to make it work for her. This is an example of a creative and out-of-the-box solution, way better than the typical (trashy, spoiled etc) DCUM response of “just be worth millions and millions of dollars like me, the end”.

I'm a SAHM mom myself but I don't see how telling her to quit her job and spend even more time with her demanding and energetic son is helpful advice.

Interesting. I am a WOHM (and enjoy it) but was going to suggest OP look into a leave of absence before her planned cocktail or SSRIs + therapy. Maybe simplifying life would help

Getting to do a string of errands in traffic without three kids feels like a vacation after being responsible for them 24x7, at least to me.

I tell anybody who will listen my eldest extrovert crappy sleeper almost killed me.

[Anonymous]

So, AS ALMOST ALWAYS, the real problem isn’t the kid, it’s the man baby husband. So reading that post $20k in debt isn’t that bad. It’s bad but a lot of people are far, FAR worse off. Put your kid in full time day care, not just a 9-1 preschool. That way he’ll have before and after care. Are you trying to WFH now with your kid around from 1-whenever? That’s unsustainable and your kid is probably bored. At a full day program, he won’t be bored. He’ll be around other kids to entertain him and keep him company and it will be good for both of you. I assume next school year he will be in K? If so, remember that the full day care will just be one year, then he’ll be in school and if you need before/after care it will be cheaper. I would not bother running that past your husband, because he seems checked out and oblivious. I would just research a new place and do it.

Then lean into your career so that in a few years you can leave him. Don’t assume he would want 50-50 physical custody either. Men like that are usually perfectly fine with every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer. You won’t get much in the way of child support, but you will get some. And if you are in a good spot with your career and can be frugal, which it sounds like you can be, you can certainly manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, AS ALMOST ALWAYS, the real problem isn’t the kid, it’s the man baby husband. So reading that post $20k in debt isn’t that bad. It’s bad but a lot of people are far, FAR worse off. Put your kid in full time day care, not just a 9-1 preschool. That way he’ll have before and after care. Are you trying to WFH now with your kid around from 1-whenever? That’s unsustainable and your kid is probably bored. At a full day program, he won’t be bored. He’ll be around other kids to entertain him and keep him company and it will be good for both of you. I assume next school year he will be in K? If so, remember that the full day care will just be one year, then he’ll be in school and if you need before/after care it will be cheaper. I would not bother running that past your husband, because he seems checked out and oblivious. I would just research a new place and do it.

Then lean into your career so that in a few years you can leave him. Don’t assume he would want 50-50 physical custody either. Men like that are usually perfectly fine with every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer. You won’t get much in the way of child support, but you will get some. And if you are in a good spot with your career and can be frugal, which it sounds like you can be, you can certainly manage.

You are right on your first point about a giant baby husband. But as much as I empathize and can relate to what OP is saying, let's not skate over the part a woman plays in a relationship like this. She enables these behaviors by accepting them. OP enabled her husband for a decade to do all these things. Why would he change out of the blue, things are looking good from where he sits.

OP - you said in your initial post that your husband does a fair share of chores. Why would you say that if it seems he does the bare minimum? Why do you say that your child is unplanned? Going off birth control while having an active sexual life is an act of planning a child. You said you pay bills, then you must have known fully about credit card debt (perhaps not the business taxes though). You need to own your part of the deal. And that would be a good thing - feeling empowered to examine what influence you have on the situation, determining happens next. Accepting the responsibility for yourself can be liberating. Right now you are just dissociating and daydreaming of a condo, etc. that you know you're not going to get. You're not an innately powerless girl child any more than your husband is an immature man baby.

[Anonymous]

I don't think a babysitter or your husband to step in on XYZ will help you long term. I think you need to change your perspective.

It's as simple as training your brain to stop dwelling on the bad parts and start focusing on what you're grateful for.

When I had my first baby, I was so overwhelmed and exhausted, and probably even resented him. I remember yelling out in frustration during 3 a.m. crying. But I followed this blogger who really was so sweet with her baby, always talking about how proud of him she was for learning to sleep in longer stretches, things like that. And it really shifted things for me. I started to really focus on gratitude and it helped a lot.

I DO have sympathy and agree it can be a slog, especially playing with them and the messes they make from one second of playing before they're onto the next. I'm not trying to minimize your feelings but I really do think mental exercises can help us. It's worth a try.

And FWIW I think it's awesome that you're becoming Catholic. Good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a babysitter or your husband to step in on XYZ will help you long term. I think you need to change your perspective.

It's as simple as training your brain to stop dwelling on the bad parts and start focusing on what you're grateful for.

When I had my first baby, I was so overwhelmed and exhausted, and probably even resented him. I remember yelling out in frustration during 3 a.m. crying. But I followed this blogger who really was so sweet with her baby, always talking about how proud of him she was for learning to sleep in longer stretches, things like that. And it really shifted things for me. I started to really focus on gratitude and it helped a lot.

I DO have sympathy and agree it can be a slog, especially playing with them and the messes they make from one second of playing before they're onto the next. I'm not trying to minimize your feelings but I really do think mental exercises can help us. It's worth a try.

And FWIW I think it's awesome that you're becoming Catholic. Good for you.

Whoops. Posted this before I read the trauma dump. Sorry, obviously there are bigger issues at play here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't know if my life is just dissatisfying, but here's the trauma dump if anyone cares to read it.

My husband makes no effort in our marriage. We haven't gone on a date in 3 years. He plans an annual trips with his group of friends from highschool. They do an annual fishing trip for a week. He used to go fishing every weekend on Saturday and sometimes Sunday mornings. He would leave at 5AM and get back by noon, but be tired and need to take a nap. He has 3 hunting trips so far, he's gone on 2/3 with his Dad on weekend trips. He has plenty of time to go out for lunch/breakfast with his Dad on these trips, have barbecues in the evening. My son and I are never invited.

My husband did not get up in the night for the first 2 years of our sons life. We bought a baby brezza so he could try a formula feeding. He blames it on me breastfeeding and him needing to get up at 5AM for work. I was alone half the time so I just sucked it up. He has started putting our son to bed at night by himself and getting up in the night when our son wakes up.

I asked him last night why he has the ability to plan and go on trips with his buddies and friends but not his wife. He shrugged and said it's what he's done since he's 12 years old. We'll, we've been together a DECADE. I told him if he hasn't figured out how to take his wife on a date he's hopeless if he's stuck in the loop of doing what he's done since he's 12.

I fantasize all the time about leaving him, taking half the equity in the home and buying a condo and doing things I want to do. Like selling my minivan and buying a small little car, like a new Toyota Prius or Corolla. I dream about getting my c-section diastasis recti fixed surgically and having a flat stomach and not being afraid to look at myself in the mirror. I dream about having two weeks alone and not needing to do pick up/drop offs and handle all the administrative duties in my home. I manage the bills, pay for our son's school tuition, order the groceries, clean the house every week by myself (all the mopping, vacuuming, dusting, etc). I do all the cooking and the majority of the cleanup because my husband won't do simple things like wipe the stove off. My husband will occasionally make our son's lunch and breakfast in the morning before he leaves for work. If I need help, I have to ask and tell him specifically what to do. It's like having a teenager for a husband.

Why can't I do this? Because my husband has gotten us into 20K worth of debt. He worked out of state and was gone for 3-4 months at a time. I had to rely on credit cards to buy food and basic necessities. When he came home, he was not managing his company funds properly and setting aside money for taxes. We are 15K in debt with the IRS and 10K in credit card debt. We refinanced our house to pay off our car debt, but it just saddled us with more debt. Our mortgage has gone from a $2400 to a $3000 payment. Right now my husband leaves the house at 6:30/6:45 and gets home around 3PM. Our son is in school from 9-1PM. I am trying to find a nanny but struggling to find someone who's willing to come over for 3 hours.

I haven't divorced him because the cost would come at my child's unhappiness. I would lose half the residential time with my son in his life and childhood. I would have to sell the home my son is so used to. I don't want to shuttle him back and forth for the next 14 years.

I constantly look at condo listings on Zillow for rent or sale and fantasize about having my own life doing the things I want to do, where I am free of the household debt and I have some time to myself and can pay for the things I want and have some time to breathe. I am tired of owning a home, because my husband always finds 3-4 hours of yardwork every Saturday to mow the lawn, blow pine needles off the roof, do the weed whacking or whatever needs to be done and mess around in the garage organizing things.

Our child was not planned. We had been in marriage counseling at the time (because I never felt like a priority, lol) and our marriage had improved. I went off birth control for one month and BAM - pregnant. I had been considering divorce prior to, because my husband would go and hang out with his uncle or brother after work multiple times per week instead of coming home and spending time with me.

Why would he want to be with a frumpy, depressed wife? I don't blame him for going on these fishing trips. He doesn't love me. After I told all of the above last night, he just said "i'm a bad husband and a bad father" feels sorry for himself then STRIPS DOWN naked and comes at me in bed. He sees his responsibility to me as being a financial provider. He's not, we are equal income. I think he earns maybe $400/month more than I do.

I'm sorry OP. I can understand why you feel stuck. There are some big issues here, and you guys need therapy. You need to tell your husband that you are not happy with the marriage and ask if he is willing to try therapy. If he is not, i think you have your answer. You can leave him or stay and accept that you are basically a single parent but your son will have some access to his father. But if he doesn't want to work on it, don't expect him to change and adjust your expectations accordingly.

If you or your husband are actually serious about Catholicism, talk to your pastor. There is a retreat program for struggling couples called Retrovaille that I have heard great things about: https://helpourmarriage.org/. If you are not serious about Catholicism, go find whichever therapist you feel comfortable with. But you guys need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: If I need help, I have to ask and tell him specifically what to do. It's like having a teenager for a husband.

90% of heterosexual men are like this. They see you scurrying around doing all the housework and they think you like it. You need to assign him chores. Do yourself a favor and assign him the ones he is less likely to F up. You may have to train him like he is a 13 year old boy. Sign your boy up for cheapo karate at the community center and your DH's first chore is being taxi.

You don't need a nanny, you need a mother's helper because you are not leaving the child in her care. Look for a college kid.

He doesn't think you're truly mad at him because you haven't cut him off from sex. You're still speaking his love language. Stop letting him use you as a masturbation sheath. "I am mad at you because XYZ so I don't want to have sex with you right now."

The solution for the 1 week fishing trip vacation is he takes the son or he doesn't get to go!!!!!!!

You need to think about why you are attracted to Catholicism while you're mentally flirting with divorce. Are you interested in Catholicism because you're trying to stay married? You don't need to justify that to us but you do need to think about it.

That is not that much debt. Don't let it take an oversized role in your life. If he made financial decisions without putting you in the loop that is a problem.

Ultimately it comes down to one question: Will he change to avoid divorce? That ball is in his court.

[Anonymous]

Another idea for childcare: ask the other moms at your son's school if they would pick him up when they get their own kid and watch him for pay, then your DH picks him up at 3.