I hate parenting.
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Anonymous
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I am burnt out on the mental load of being responsible for another human being. I am tired of everyday feeling like Groundhog today.
I hate that even the simplest of tasks become a pain in the rear, like taking my kid to the grocery store. I hate the constant viral illness, the pick up and drop offs, the tantrums. I hate what pregnancy and a large T-shaped c-section incision makes my stomach look. I had mastitis 5x. I have no local support or grandparents to help out with. My husband and I pay for our village (babysitter) if we want to do a date night. I hate it that as soon after I'm putting my son to bed my husband is pawing at me to give him physical attention and all I want to be is left alone. Today, I spent time hosting a pretend birthday party for Chase from Paw Patrol with my son because he wanted to bake a cake at 9AM. I didn't want to bake a cake at 9AM, so we picked up cupcakes and a balloon from the grocery store. But while we were there my son decided he wanted to hop on one foot and then suddenly dig his heels in while holding my hand and I was juggling a basket of groceries and food, looking like a lunatic as I try to juggle him in one hand and groceries in the other. It's just not how I want to spend my time. I don't want to do the imaginary play. It's like this all the time. Everything is a struggle, if we go to the park it's fine but always an inevitable meltdown when he wants to leave. Getting dressed is a pain. Giving him a bath is a pain. He is constantly moving and on the go and his pediatrician just shrugs her shoulders and says that 4 year old boys are like "squirrels on speed." I am ALWAYS always mentally exhausted. I fantasize all the time about just running away. I love my son with all my heart, I am depressed I know I am. I am on escitalopram. I exercise, I work full-time, I spent plenty of time with my kid but I am just not finding parenting and motherhood brings me as much joy as it does to other mothers. We are wanting to send our son to a private religious school and I'm in the process of converting to Catholicism. I am attending weekly classes and it just feels like another chore, because taking my son to Mass is a royal pain. He refuses to sit still. My husband does his fair share of the household chores. I am still responsible for most of the cooking/cleaning/chores. I had a night alone to myself last week and feel like I could have two weeks alone and it might be enough. I am so miserable that I am considering divorce just so I can have shared custody. I feel guilty when I do take time for myself and let my son sit on his iPad while I wax my armpits or something else. Motherhood hasn't been a joy for me. It has been a chore. A neverending chore. |
Anonymous
| Hand him the iPad and take a nap with you next to him. It's ok to let him have the iPad. Don't feel guilty. It's ok to take care of yourself. It's ok to say no. Say no to that absurd party. Tell your husband to take kid to the playground when he gets home from work. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like your husband isn’t doing enough. You say you’re doing the bulk of it. |
Anonymous
My husband works out of state of occasion and was basically gone for the first 2.5 years of our sons life. I co slept with him because I was exhausted. At 4 years old, my son sleeps in his bed half the time and half the night in ours. There's always a 1-3AM wakeup. My husband is the one who gets up with him most nights and will help with the bulk of sick day care. I still do the weekly housecleaning, majority of cooking and cleanup. My husband regularly does laundry but doesn't put it away. I am responsible for school pick up/drop off because of his work hours. He works 7-3 and I work 9-5. He does do a good share, but it's usually 70/30 or 60/40. |
Anonymous
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I have days here and there when I feel like you do with a two year old, mostly because of pretend play. Pretend play is so incredibly exhausting and boring at the same time, it’s hard to describe. Torture.
I think it’s great you know your limits. Now it’s time to act on them. Maybe you’ll enjoy parenting more in another phase. Your husband needs to step up more in this phase. You should also get more childcare so that you can have more breaks. Seeing less of an engaged parent is definitely better than being with an exhausted, resentful, checked out parent all the time. When I start feeling that way I call the babysitter and take a day off. |
Anonymous
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Modern parenting trains us to cater to children to an insane degree. It’s a recipe for unhappiness and disengagement. It’s why kids are on screens too much.
I would love to see parents advised by pediatricians that children should play on their own, be involved in chores in a REAL way not some fake BS, and not be given screens when they whine for attention. OP, of course you’re depressed. Read The Mommy Myth and talk to a therapist. Start reading some of the feminist literature on why modern mothering sucks so much. And get more childcare help, specifically someone to take him to the playground for you. Kids aren’t happy being catered to either. That’s why they grow up anxious and sad. |
Anonymous
| Give the kid the ipad, he will be fine. |
Anonymous
| What's behind your desire to convert to Catholicism? Given your emotional state, that sounds like a terrible idea. |
Anonymous
We want to send him to a Catschool. My husband is Catholic although not confirmed. I wanted to join a community of faith in searching for more meaning in life. Although i've found some meaning in spirituality, the weekly classes have become a chore. They end around 8:30 and I need to get home quickly and get up for work the next morning at 5AM for work, all to be woken up at 1 or 3AM by my kid wanting to come in my bed. |
Anonymous
| Why did you choose to have your son OP? Was this unplanned? |
Anonymous
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Being with little kids IS a kind of torture.
You’ll both be happier if you can figure out how to protect yourself when you’re with your son. That doesn’t mean you have to hand him a screen all the time, but going to the store for chase’s birthday is crazy. It’s perfectly okay to say “no, I don’t want to play that right now.” Your kid may react the first few times because he’s not used to it but I’m a SAHM and I say that all the time. Or “no, I’m doing laundry but you can help me or play with toys.” For park meltdowns, if you’ve made sure he’s fed and watered then a park meltdown should last no longer than it takes to carry his wriggly butt home or to the car. I’m a big believer in validating feelings, but validating feelings needs to come with boundaries they can count on and believe in. A kid who feels you, the parent, don’t have things firmly in hand is going to lose it all the time. |
Anonymous
I always wanted to be a parent. I didn't realize it would be this hard and challenging to be a working mother and have any time for myself or understand the mental load. |
Anonymous
| Dude. It’s grind. Hang in. It gets better. |
Anonymous
Ps I’m super sympathetic to why you coslept, but it’s absolutely your decision to continue or not. There might be a rough transition period, but it’s still up to you. My child who’s never slept in our bed came in during an illness, and the night she was better I had to walk her back to her bed eight times. It was torture. The next night twice, then it was over. You’re in charge. |
Anonymous
OP, here’s a hug… I think a lot of us have felt like this at some point. My kids are 10 and 12 and I’m finally talking to someone about how frustrating parenting is and how I’d like to get some semblance of a life back. Here’s some things to think about: 1. The baby/toddler stage is really hard and exhausting. It’s gets better. 2. You don’t have built in help. It’s just not possible to do everything you’re trying to do while working full-time with a husband who is traveling. 3. SAHMs spent less time with their kids in the 70s than working moms today. Think about that. 4. Start learning now how to forgive yourself for not being perfect (or even kind of good). Pick one or two things that are important to you and let go of everything else. Seriously. 5. Your kid doesn’t remember anything until they’re around 8 and even then, memories are spotty. By the time they get to the age where they have solid memories, they only want to hang out with their friends. Do you remember what your parents did when you were that age? When you think about your childhood memories, aren’t most of them about school and friends? My point is, don’t try to be perfect because you think this is what is expected of you/how you will be judged as a mom (or how you’re judging yourself). You will feel a lot better if you just pull way the hell back. Love your kid. Feed them. Meet their basic needs. Play with them actively for 30 minutes a day. Then go figure out what you’re going to do to feel better. Right now, that may be sleep. Take care of yourself. And if you spend time with moms that constantly talk about activities and all the things they do with/for their kids, run from these people. You don’t need this nonsense in your life. |