I hate parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is wild! I wrote the above before I saw the subsequent page, and in addition to “Sanctimommy,” and “nasty and rude”, she’s been called “trashy,” “smug b,” and “spoiled.” for offering her viewpoint. Did people even read what she had to say before jumping on her back and lifestyle and calling her an awful person? She says neither she nor her husband are high earners, and she took nannying jobs for family and friends to make it work for her. This is an example of a creative and out-of-the-box solution, way better than the typical (trashy, spoiled etc) DCUM response of “just be worth millions and millions of dollars like me, the end”.

As the kids would say, the vibes were off with the post. OP is clearly struggling, and instead of offering anything useful, PP is all, "well golly gee, quit your job like I did!" PP came off as shading and critical of OP. Then she came back in hot when called out on it.

This. This is why. It was the tone and vibe of the post.
The "why don't you just make sacrifices and quit your job" responses may not be helpful to OP. I agree with others who have stated that it sounds like her DS is very high energy, and she isn't. Quitting her job won't magically fix that.

[Anonymous]

What is your DH doing while your son is in presumably after care from 3-5?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am another mom who refuses to do pretend play. I just can't do it. I refuse. I used to tell my eldest "It is not my job to play with your toys." Fortunately the middle sibling is old enough to play with him. My DH will pretend play (he also plays video games, which I find to be childish and a waste of time.)

If your husband has enough energy to be amorous every night he has enough energy to run piss and vinegar out of the 4 year old for one hour minimum, preferably outdoors. You need to tell him about the divorce thought. Tell him your depression is flaring up. I told my husband I was overwhelmed with childcare and housework and that I wanted to hire a neighbor kid to take the kids to the park so I can work in peace and he magically found the energy to step up more. Your son would benefit from martial arts, soccer etc especially if they are your husband's job and not just another chore for you.

The having to hire your village thing is unfortunately the new normal. I had to hire doulas to be with me in the hospital to give birth. My husband has worked through me recovering from elective surgery with the kids watching TV for 8 hours a day etc

Agree on the pretend play and the rest of what you’ve written.

OP, I’m glad you are focusing on the most important thing here, which is getting your depression under control. You also no doubt need a lot more sleep than you are getting. You definitely don’t have the bandwidth to convert to a new religion—I think you should hit pause on that one. Once you are feeling better, I think you should focus on the things you enjoy about parenting and do more of those things and less of the ones you’re not a natural at. DH can step up or a neighborhood kid can do pretend play while you get some relaxation time or go to the store in peace. My older kids are happy young adults now despite only a few desultory efforts at pretend play from me.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am burnt out on the mental load of being responsible for another human being. I am tired of everyday feeling like Groundhog today.

I hate that even the simplest of tasks become a pain in the rear, like taking my kid to the grocery store. I hate the constant viral illness, the pick up and drop offs, the tantrums. I hate what pregnancy and a large T-shaped c-section incision makes my stomach look. I had mastitis 5x. I have no local support or grandparents to help out with. My husband and I pay for our village (babysitter) if we want to do a date night. I hate it that as soon after I'm putting my son to bed my husband is pawing at me to give him physical attention and all I want to be is left alone.

Today, I spent time hosting a pretend birthday party for Chase from Paw Patrol with my son because he wanted to bake a cake at 9AM. I didn't want to bake a cake at 9AM, so we picked up cupcakes and a balloon from the grocery store. But while we were there my son decided he wanted to hop on one foot and then suddenly dig his heels in while holding my hand and I was juggling a basket of groceries and food, looking like a lunatic as I try to juggle him in one hand and groceries in the other. It's just not how I want to spend my time. I don't want to do the imaginary play. It's like this all the time. Everything is a struggle, if we go to the park it's fine but always an inevitable meltdown when he wants to leave. Getting dressed is a pain. Giving him a bath is a pain. He is constantly moving and on the go and his pediatrician just shrugs her shoulders and says that 4 year old boys are like "squirrels on speed." I am ALWAYS always mentally exhausted.

I fantasize all the time about just running away. I love my son with all my heart, I am depressed I know I am. I am on escitalopram. I exercise, I work full-time, I spent plenty of time with my kid but I am just not finding parenting and motherhood brings me as much joy as it does to other mothers. We are wanting to send our son to a private religious school and I'm in the process of converting to Catholicism. I am attending weekly classes and it just feels like another chore, because taking my son to Mass is a royal pain. He refuses to sit still.

My husband does his fair share of the household chores. I am still responsible for most of the cooking/cleaning/chores. I had a night alone to myself last week and feel like I could have two weeks alone and it might be enough. I am so miserable that I am considering divorce just so I can have shared custody. I feel guilty when I do take time for myself and let my son sit on his iPad while I wax my armpits or something else.

Motherhood hasn't been a joy for me. It has been a chore. A neverending chore.

You sound depressed so maybe a visit to your PC doc is in order with a physical and an anti depressant. I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time, but, honestly, I had to laugh at your child hoping on one foot.

If all else fails then I recommend getting a. Baseball bat and some over ripe melons and going to back yard and beating the living daylight out of them while you scream about how you feel. I did this once and it really helped.

If I knew you, I would come to your house and give you a full days vacation from everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am another mom who refuses to do pretend play. I just can't do it. I refuse. I used to tell my eldest "It is not my job to play with your toys." Fortunately the middle sibling is old enough to play with him. My DH will pretend play (he also plays video games, which I find to be childish and a waste of time.)

If your husband has enough energy to be amorous every night he has enough energy to run piss and vinegar out of the 4 year old for one hour minimum, preferably outdoors. You need to tell him about the divorce thought. Tell him your depression is flaring up. I told my husband I was overwhelmed with childcare and housework and that I wanted to hire a neighbor kid to take the kids to the park so I can work in peace and he magically found the energy to step up more. Your son would benefit from martial arts, soccer etc especially if they are your husband's job and not just another chore for you.

The having to hire your village thing is unfortunately the new normal. I had to hire doulas to be with me in the hospital to give birth. My husband has worked through me recovering from elective surgery with the kids watching TV for 8 hours a day etc

Agree on the pretend play and the rest of what you’ve written.

OP, I’m glad you are focusing on the most important thing here, which is getting your depression under control. You also no doubt need a lot more sleep than you are getting. You definitely don’t have the bandwidth to convert to a new religion—I think you should hit pause on that one. Once you are feeling better, I think you should focus on the things you enjoy about parenting and do more of those things and less of the ones you’re not a natural at. DH can step up or a neighborhood kid can do pretend play while you get some relaxation time or go to the store in peace. My older kids are happy young adults now despite only a few desultory efforts at pretend play from me.

Good luck.

The sleep is a big issue. For the boy, what happens if instead of waking the parents up he decides to help himself to tasty cough syrup? A couple years ago a kid around this age in Toronto let himself out of his apartment building that had automatically locking doors and froze to death. He absolutely needs to stay in his bed all night. Unpopular opinion, but I would spank a bottom to make this happen. Baby proof his room and lock him in. His behavior might be partially explained by him not getting enough sleep.

I still have residual anxiety from terrible "care" during my last pregnancy. I had to quit coffee. It made a big difference. I also sleep with ear plugs and a white noise machine. You are probably not sleeping well if you think you are "on call" for the nightly visit by your son. Crappy sleep feeds depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's behind your desire to convert to Catholicism? Given your emotional state, that sounds like a terrible idea.

We want to send him to a Catschool. My husband is Catholic although not confirmed. I wanted to join a community of faith in searching for more meaning in life. Although i've found some meaning in spirituality, the weekly classes have become a chore. They end around 8:30 and I need to get home quickly and get up for work the next morning at 5AM for work, all to be woken up at 1 or 3AM by my kid wanting to come in my bed.

You don’t have to be catholic to send your kid to catholic school. When schools were closed it helped get in but no one is exactly beating down the doors to be admitted. They’ll get in.

YMMV but my kids' Catholic PreK-8 filled up pretty much immediately after they opened the online application last year. We were lucky to get DD in, and we submitted the forms right away. They had a waitlist for all grades.

It is not a requirement to be Catholic to send your kids there, but at our school at least, being an active parishioner does give you a boost with admission and will get you a tuition discount. There's a form the pastor has to fill out attesting that our family is active in the parish and it has to be resubmitted every year. Again YMMV, different schools do things differently.

As for you OP, hugs and good luck. This stage is hard - I have been there too at my wit's end with my young kids. It will pass and it does get better. Others have offered good practical advice for easing your mental load and taking time for yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's hard, I also have a 4 yo and hate pretend play, as well as have history of PPD.

First of all give yourself some grace - ALL that you're doing is important, even parts that feel like chores.

Here are a few things that help:
- therapy (we get triggered by parenthood, often reliving some of our own unresolved childhood issues). At minimum it helps to understand and accept why some parts of parenting don't feel like you thought they might.

- you are giving your DH a pass on chores, as many PPs pointed out. Why is that? "doing laundry" without putting it away means just pushing a button. It's not a thing. Folding and putting away is the biggest time suck. Have a frank discussion about chores. There is zero reason he can't go and get groceries but you must do it while doing childcare too.

- outsource. it costs, but it's not forever, and you both work (and considering a private schooling route). Figure out what you want to do the least and pay for it. Meal delivery, cleaning service, more babysitting, whatever. Buy yourself more me-time. It's OK, you deserve it, it will feel 100 times better once you have it.

- I am married to a Catholic, and will say this without any malice. A religion that incorporates a lot of guilt, placed especially on females, might not be your best move until you dig yourself out of the current funk. You can send your child to a Catholic school even if one of the parents is not catholic.

[Anonymous]

Trace with Me Pre-Cursive Practice by Carson-Dellosa
Kumon First Steps Workbooks for Ages 2 and Up Set (7 Books)
Kumon My Book of Numbers 1-10 Ages 2-4

When I got tired of my son being up my butt I started teaching him to read! Also, give him chores. He probably won't do well but he may magically find a way to self entertain when you pull out the workbooks or broom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you choose to have your son OP? Was this unplanned?

Societal pressure…duh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am burnt out on the mental load of being responsible for another human being. I am tired of everyday feeling like Groundhog today.

I hate that even the simplest of tasks become a pain in the rear, like taking my kid to the grocery store. I hate the constant viral illness, the pick up and drop offs, the tantrums. I hate what pregnancy and a large T-shaped c-section incision makes my stomach look. I had mastitis 5x. I have no local support or grandparents to help out with. My husband and I pay for our village (babysitter) if we want to do a date night. I hate it that as soon after I'm putting my son to bed my husband is pawing at me to give him physical attention and all I want to be is left alone.

Today, I spent time hosting a pretend birthday party for Chase from Paw Patrol with my son because he wanted to bake a cake at 9AM. I didn't want to bake a cake at 9AM, so we picked up cupcakes and a balloon from the grocery store. But while we were there my son decided he wanted to hop on one foot and then suddenly dig his heels in while holding my hand and I was juggling a basket of groceries and food, looking like a lunatic as I try to juggle him in one hand and groceries in the other. It's just not how I want to spend my time. I don't want to do the imaginary play. It's like this all the time. Everything is a struggle, if we go to the park it's fine but always an inevitable meltdown when he wants to leave. Getting dressed is a pain. Giving him a bath is a pain. He is constantly moving and on the go and his pediatrician just shrugs her shoulders and says that 4 year old boys are like "squirrels on speed." I am ALWAYS always mentally exhausted.

I fantasize all the time about just running away. I love my son with all my heart, I am depressed I know I am. I am on escitalopram. I exercise, I work full-time, I spent plenty of time with my kid but I am just not finding parenting and motherhood brings me as much joy as it does to other mothers. We are wanting to send our son to a private religious school and I'm in the process of converting to Catholicism. I am attending weekly classes and it just feels like another chore, because taking my son to Mass is a royal pain. He refuses to sit still.

My husband does his fair share of the household chores. I am still responsible for most of the cooking/cleaning/chores. I had a night alone to myself last week and feel like I could have two weeks alone and it might be enough. I am so miserable that I am considering divorce just so I can have shared custody. I feel guilty when I do take time for myself and let my son sit on his iPad while I wax my armpits or something else.

Motherhood hasn't been a joy for me. It has been a chore. A neverending chore.

You sound depressed so maybe a visit to your PC doc is in order with a physical and an anti depressant. I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time, but, honestly, I had to laugh at your child hoping on one foot.

If all else fails then I recommend getting a. Baseball bat and some over ripe melons and going to back yard and beating the living daylight out of them while you scream about how you feel. I did this once and it really helped.

If I knew you, I would come to your house and give you a full days vacation from everything.

No she doesn’t. Lol. She sounds like a good mom who is venting. Stop blaming depression on everything when in fact she just doesn’t like being a mom but is sucking it up like many moms do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am burnt out on the mental load of being responsible for another human being. I am tired of everyday feeling like Groundhog today.

I hate that even the simplest of tasks become a pain in the rear, like taking my kid to the grocery store. I hate the constant viral illness, the pick up and drop offs, the tantrums. I hate what pregnancy and a large T-shaped c-section incision makes my stomach look. I had mastitis 5x. I have no local support or grandparents to help out with. My husband and I pay for our village (babysitter) if we want to do a date night. I hate it that as soon after I'm putting my son to bed my husband is pawing at me to give him physical attention and all I want to be is left alone.

Today, I spent time hosting a pretend birthday party for Chase from Paw Patrol with my son because he wanted to bake a cake at 9AM. I didn't want to bake a cake at 9AM, so we picked up cupcakes and a balloon from the grocery store. But while we were there my son decided he wanted to hop on one foot and then suddenly dig his heels in while holding my hand and I was juggling a basket of groceries and food, looking like a lunatic as I try to juggle him in one hand and groceries in the other. It's just not how I want to spend my time. I don't want to do the imaginary play. It's like this all the time. Everything is a struggle, if we go to the park it's fine but always an inevitable meltdown when he wants to leave. Getting dressed is a pain. Giving him a bath is a pain. He is constantly moving and on the go and his pediatrician just shrugs her shoulders and says that 4 year old boys are like "squirrels on speed." I am ALWAYS always mentally exhausted.

I fantasize all the time about just running away. I love my son with all my heart, I am depressed I know I am. I am on escitalopram. I exercise, I work full-time, I spent plenty of time with my kid but I am just not finding parenting and motherhood brings me as much joy as it does to other mothers. We are wanting to send our son to a private religious school and I'm in the process of converting to Catholicism. I am attending weekly classes and it just feels like another chore, because taking my son to Mass is a royal pain. He refuses to sit still.

My husband does his fair share of the household chores. I am still responsible for most of the cooking/cleaning/chores. I had a night alone to myself last week and feel like I could have two weeks alone and it might be enough. I am so miserable that I am considering divorce just so I can have shared custody. I feel guilty when I do take time for myself and let my son sit on his iPad while I wax my armpits or something else.

Motherhood hasn't been a joy for me. It has been a chore. A neverending chore.

You sound depressed so maybe a visit to your PC doc is in order with a physical and an anti depressant. I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time, but, honestly, I had to laugh at your child hoping on one foot.

If all else fails then I recommend getting a. Baseball bat and some over ripe melons and going to back yard and beating the living daylight out of them while you scream about how you feel. I did this once and it really helped.

If I knew you, I would come to your house and give you a full days vacation from everything.

No she doesn’t. Lol. She sounds like a good mom who is venting. Stop blaming depression on everything when in fact she just doesn’t like being a mom but is sucking it up like many moms do.

DP but no, no this is not a mom venting. This is a woman not in a safe mental place. She needs professional help, not some internet rando’s “mommy tips”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am burnt out on the mental load of being responsible for another human being. I am tired of everyday feeling like Groundhog today.

I hate that even the simplest of tasks become a pain in the rear, like taking my kid to the grocery store. I hate the constant viral illness, the pick up and drop offs, the tantrums. I hate what pregnancy and a large T-shaped c-section incision makes my stomach look. I had mastitis 5x. I have no local support or grandparents to help out with. My husband and I pay for our village (babysitter) if we want to do a date night. I hate it that as soon after I'm putting my son to bed my husband is pawing at me to give him physical attention and all I want to be is left alone.

Today, I spent time hosting a pretend birthday party for Chase from Paw Patrol with my son because he wanted to bake a cake at 9AM. I didn't want to bake a cake at 9AM, so we picked up cupcakes and a balloon from the grocery store. But while we were there my son decided he wanted to hop on one foot and then suddenly dig his heels in while holding my hand and I was juggling a basket of groceries and food, looking like a lunatic as I try to juggle him in one hand and groceries in the other. It's just not how I want to spend my time. I don't want to do the imaginary play. It's like this all the time. Everything is a struggle, if we go to the park it's fine but always an inevitable meltdown when he wants to leave. Getting dressed is a pain. Giving him a bath is a pain. He is constantly moving and on the go and his pediatrician just shrugs her shoulders and says that 4 year old boys are like "squirrels on speed." I am ALWAYS always mentally exhausted.

I fantasize all the time about just running away. I love my son with all my heart, I am depressed I know I am. I am on escitalopram. I exercise, I work full-time, I spent plenty of time with my kid but I am just not finding parenting and motherhood brings me as much joy as it does to other mothers. We are wanting to send our son to a private religious school and I'm in the process of converting to Catholicism. I am attending weekly classes and it just feels like another chore, because taking my son to Mass is a royal pain. He refuses to sit still.

My husband does his fair share of the household chores. I am still responsible for most of the cooking/cleaning/chores. I had a night alone to myself last week and feel like I could have two weeks alone and it might be enough. I am so miserable that I am considering divorce just so I can have shared custody. I feel guilty when I do take time for myself and let my son sit on his iPad while I wax my armpits or something else.

Motherhood hasn't been a joy for me. It has been a chore. A neverending chore.

You sound depressed so maybe a visit to your PC doc is in order with a physical and an anti depressant. I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time, but, honestly, I had to laugh at your child hoping on one foot.

If all else fails then I recommend getting a. Baseball bat and some over ripe melons and going to back yard and beating the living daylight out of them while you scream about how you feel. I did this once and it really helped.

If I knew you, I would come to your house and give you a full days vacation from everything.

No she doesn’t. Lol. She sounds like a good mom who is venting. Stop blaming depression on everything when in fact she just doesn’t like being a mom but is sucking it up like many moms do.

She's thinking about divorcing her husband...........

[Anonymous]

Parenting isn't easy. I did enjoy it, but it was hard and often sucked.
Things I did to make it manageable:
1. Mostly did things with the kids that I wanted to do. I like crafts and exploring nature and museums so we did a lot of that. I balanced that with doing things they wanted to do as well and mostly we all enjoyed doing things that the other suggested. If imaginary play was boring, I would do it for a bit and then...stop. I don't have to play stuff I don't want to play.
2. hung out a lot with other adults and their children. The children kept each other occupied for the most part and the other adults and I gave each other support. We all had fun together. Find groups, organizations, neighbors, places people hang out. Go there.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to do all that stuff with your kids jeez. If my kid was like “let’s bake a cake for Chase from Paw Patrol” I’d just tell him no. Or better yet, “yes please make a cake for him; here’s all your plastic food and your play kitchen! Then get your stuffies from your room for the birthday party!” I think you’re doing too much and spread too thin. I have 2 boys, here is what I would concretely suggest:

- an indoor trampoline for them to jump on all winter long. The regular Little Tikes one that’s sold everywhere goes up to something like 100 lbs? So he’s not going to outgrow it anytime soon.
- building toys, little boys love those. Get him STARTED with Duplos or MagnaTiles and then say “I have to do whatever, I will come check on you in a bit!”
Basically you have to GRADUALLY change the expectations to have your kid do more solo play and not depend on you as much for entertainment. You will also find that this starts to happen naturally over time but you can start now.
- have another kid over that he likes and they can entertain each other for awhile. This is risky but can work out really well if they only need light supervision.
- don’t even feel the littlest bit guilty for iPad time while you wax your legs or whatever. Get ABC Mouse, it’s good for that age and the kids really like it and they do learn from it.
- sign him up for more stuff (if budget allows). Swim at 4 isn’t “parent and me” anymore so you can just get him ready and he does it alone with the instructor. There are soccer skills type classes for that age range too and in a year or two he can join a rec team. I’ve seen kids music classes in Fairfax County’s Parktakes classes. All good stuff for a kid with a lot of energy.
- also it sounds like you only have one kid? Again, sign him up for weekend stuff and have you and your husband split up who takes him. Related to that, just get him out of the house in general. Go to the zoo, to the trampoline park, the indoor play rooms, easy hikes, museums, day trips. That way he’s not bugging you to entertain him at home. I don’t love the “pretend play” phase either, but I like taking my kids places. This is just a me thing because I grew up without a lot of extra money in my family and in a small town without a lot of the amenities we have here. So it’s been really positive for me to experience all that stuff with my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's hard, I also have a 4 yo and hate pretend play, as well as have history of PPD.

First of all give yourself some grace - ALL that you're doing is important, even parts that feel like chores.

Here are a few things that help:
- therapy (we get triggered by parenthood, often reliving some of our own unresolved childhood issues). At minimum it helps to understand and accept why some parts of parenting don't feel like you thought they might.

- you are giving your DH a pass on chores, as many PPs pointed out. Why is that? "doing laundry" without putting it away means just pushing a button. It's not a thing. Folding and putting away is the biggest time suck. Have a frank discussion about chores. There is zero reason he can't go and get groceries but you must do it while doing childcare too.

- outsource. it costs, but it's not forever, and you both work (and considering a private schooling route). Figure out what you want to do the least and pay for it. Meal delivery, cleaning service, more babysitting, whatever. Buy yourself more me-time. It's OK, you deserve it, it will feel 100 times better once you have it.

- I am married to a Catholic, and will say this without any malice. A religion that incorporates a lot of guilt, placed especially on females, might not be your best move until you dig yourself out of the current funk. You can send your child to a Catholic school even if one of the parents is not catholic.

How is this said without malice? You assumed the worst about a religion you don't understand (being married to a Catholic does not automatically mean you understand Catholicism).

I would actually make more sense for OP to lean into her spirituality. It may help put everything in perspective and give you peace and help you let go of the guilt of not always being the perfect mom. Lean into that community, talk to your pastor, go to church at night after bedtime routine and just meditate for 15 minutes.