Jealous of Big Law partner spouses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse of big law partner here.

DH makes close to 2M. There has been one night in the last 6 months he wasn't home in time for dinner and bedtime. Oldest kid plays travel soccer, and he goes to every game (I don't - not my thing). He also coaches younger kid's sports team, so obviously attends / leads every weekday practice and every weekend game. The two of us have date night weekly, and usually spend an hour together every night after the kids are in bed. Then he does another 90 minutes of work while I read next to him.

Overall he works around 50-60 hours a week max. He's highly efficient and very smart (HYP educated), and he's also good at client relationships and managing other lawyers, so he brings in a lot since he takes a cut of the entire client bill - in other words, the hours of those he manages, not just his own hours. Working the longest hours is not always correlated with bringing in the most money.

I know it's tempting to believe that those with more money must somehow be miserable, but it's not always true.

This is true over time but isn't usually true for the early partnership years. Once you reach a certain point, your ability to bring in and maintain business is what matters. You don't have to be doing nearly all the work yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse of big law partner here.

DH makes close to 2M. There has been one night in the last 6 months he wasn't home in time for dinner and bedtime. Oldest kid plays travel soccer, and he goes to every game (I don't - not my thing). He also coaches younger kid's sports team, so obviously attends / leads every weekday practice and every weekend game. The two of us have date night weekly, and usually spend an hour together every night after the kids are in bed. Then he does another 90 minutes of work while I read next to him.

Overall he works around 50-60 hours a week max. He's highly efficient and very smart (HYP educated), and he's also good at client relationships and managing other lawyers, so he brings in a lot since he takes a cut of the entire client bill - in other words, the hours of those he manages, not just his own hours. Working the longest hours is not always correlated with bringing in the most money.

I know it's tempting to believe that those with more money must somehow be miserable, but it's not always true.

I find it extraordinarily hard to believe that he wasn’t home only once for dinner in the last six months. I can’t think of a single Biglaw partner in the United States of America who can make that claim. Other than that, sure.

Pp here.

If it’s so hard to believe, I just don’t think you know that many big law partners. Or at least equity partners. DH works hard but if he wants to be home for dinner, he can be home for dinner. Same is true for every other equity partner we know.

[Anonymous]

There will always be exceptions to the workaholic, absent BigLaw spouse--like PP's. But there's a reason that lawyers are some of the most stressed and unhealthy professionals in the US and have such high rates of alcoholism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse of big law partner here.

DH makes close to 2M. There has been one night in the last 6 months he wasn't home in time for dinner and bedtime. Oldest kid plays travel soccer, and he goes to every game (I don't - not my thing). He also coaches younger kid's sports team, so obviously attends / leads every weekday practice and every weekend game. The two of us have date night weekly, and usually spend an hour together every night after the kids are in bed. Then he does another 90 minutes of work while I read next to him.

Overall he works around 50-60 hours a week max. He's highly efficient and very smart (HYP educated), and he's also good at client relationships and managing other lawyers, so he brings in a lot since he takes a cut of the entire client bill - in other words, the hours of those he manages, not just his own hours. Working the longest hours is not always correlated with bringing in the most money.

I know it's tempting to believe that those with more money must somehow be miserable, but it's not always true.

I find it extraordinarily hard to believe that he wasn’t home only once for dinner in the last six months. I can’t think of a single Biglaw partner in the United States of America who can make that claim. Other than that, sure.

Pp here.

If it’s so hard to believe, I just don’t think you know that many big law partners. Or at least equity partners. DH works hard but if he wants to be home for dinner, he can be home for dinner. Same is true for every other equity partner we know.

Ok, and what about the 15+ years before now, when he was an associate or non-equity partner? You're glossing over the 70 hour weeks, all-nighters and travel required for years to get to that point. No BigLaw partner just coasts along working 40 hours per week until they make equity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse of big law partner here.

DH makes close to 2M. There has been one night in the last 6 months he wasn't home in time for dinner and bedtime. Oldest kid plays travel soccer, and he goes to every game (I don't - not my thing). He also coaches younger kid's sports team, so obviously attends / leads every weekday practice and every weekend game. The two of us have date night weekly, and usually spend an hour together every night after the kids are in bed. Then he does another 90 minutes of work while I read next to him.

Overall he works around 50-60 hours a week max. He's highly efficient and very smart (HYP educated), and he's also good at client relationships and managing other lawyers, so he brings in a lot since he takes a cut of the entire client bill - in other words, the hours of those he manages, not just his own hours. Working the longest hours is not always correlated with bringing in the most money.

I know it's tempting to believe that those with more money must somehow be miserable, but it's not always true.

I find it extraordinarily hard to believe that he wasn’t home only once for dinner in the last six months. I can’t think of a single Biglaw partner in the United States of America who can make that claim. Other than that, sure.

I know dozens of partners who live like this. The catch is that they work more when they get home, after dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse of big law partner here.

DH makes close to 2M. There has been one night in the last 6 months he wasn't home in time for dinner and bedtime. Oldest kid plays travel soccer, and he goes to every game (I don't - not my thing). He also coaches younger kid's sports team, so obviously attends / leads every weekday practice and every weekend game. The two of us have date night weekly, and usually spend an hour together every night after the kids are in bed. Then he does another 90 minutes of work while I read next to him.

Overall he works around 50-60 hours a week max. He's highly efficient and very smart (HYP educated), and he's also good at client relationships and managing other lawyers, so he brings in a lot since he takes a cut of the entire client bill - in other words, the hours of those he manages, not just his own hours. Working the longest hours is not always correlated with bringing in the most money.

I know it's tempting to believe that those with more money must somehow be miserable, but it's not always true.

I find it extraordinarily hard to believe that he wasn’t home only once for dinner in the last six months. I can’t think of a single Biglaw partner in the United States of America who can make that claim. Other than that, sure.

Pp here.

If it’s so hard to believe, I just don’t think you know that many big law partners. Or at least equity partners. DH works hard but if he wants to be home for dinner, he can be home for dinner. Same is true for every other equity partner we know.

I retired early as a Biglaw equity partner. I do know what I’m talking about. I’m not saying he had to work per se. I’m saying he had to have had at least one client dinner he couldn’t get out of; a partner meeting or retreat he had to go to; a work-related trip that at least had him returning home late if not requiring an overnight; one unexpected emergency meeting or call. Etc.

I also made it an extremely high priority to be home for dinner every night and I was in fact there on time for the vast majority of them. But to be home every night but one in six months? Nope. Not me and not any partner in my large law firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse of big law partner here.

DH makes close to 2M. There has been one night in the last 6 months he wasn't home in time for dinner and bedtime. Oldest kid plays travel soccer, and he goes to every game (I don't - not my thing). He also coaches younger kid's sports team, so obviously attends / leads every weekday practice and every weekend game. The two of us have date night weekly, and usually spend an hour together every night after the kids are in bed. Then he does another 90 minutes of work while I read next to him.

Overall he works around 50-60 hours a week max. He's highly efficient and very smart (HYP educated), and he's also good at client relationships and managing other lawyers, so he brings in a lot since he takes a cut of the entire client bill - in other words, the hours of those he manages, not just his own hours. Working the longest hours is not always correlated with bringing in the most money.

I know it's tempting to believe that those with more money must somehow be miserable, but it's not always true.

I find it extraordinarily hard to believe that he wasn’t home only once for dinner in the last six months. I can’t think of a single Biglaw partner in the United States of America who can make that claim. Other than that, sure.

Pp here.

If it’s so hard to believe, I just don’t think you know that many big law partners. Or at least equity partners. DH works hard but if he wants to be home for dinner, he can be home for dinner. Same is true for every other equity partner we know.

Ok, and what about the 15+ years before now, when he was an associate or non-equity partner? You're glossing over the 70 hour weeks, all-nighters and travel required for years to get to that point. No BigLaw partner just coasts along working 40 hours per week until they make equity.

PP again. He had 8 years as an associate, then straight to equity. First 3 years as an as associate were not terrible. Next 5 years involved some late nights but nothing like the exaggerated stories I hear on DCUM. He’s only been a partner for around 5 years and it’s consistently been better than the years he was a senior associate.

My point is, many partners do not have miserable lives, as is often suggested here.

As a general matter, people don’t get paid more for working harder or longer, as much as they do for providing something others can’t and being difficult to replace. Nurses probably work harder days than many big law partners, but the barrier to entry for nursing is not high (unlike law) and there’s no way economic reason for excellent nurses to be highly compensated. And blue collar workers? SO many work harder than law partners, but their skills are not unique, so the supply outstrips demand.

I’m not saying it’s fair. It’s kind of not. But it’s how the world works, and it shouldn’t be shocking that LOTS of people with LOTS of money live relatively balanced lives. And LOTS of people with little money work two jobs and have pretty miserable lives just to be lower middle class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much money does a typical Biglaw partner in a top 10 or 20 law firm in DC bring home in a month? I keep asking and nobody tells me. Am I right that it’s like $200,000 a month?

It can be anywhere from 50k to $1M a month. Probably the vast majority clustered around $100k-$200k.

Pre-tax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't work. Kids have everything they need, and I don't think about money. Plus, I think marriage is easier when money is not an issue. But you have to be ok with someone who works a lot, and you have to take care of every detail in your life - kind of like being a single parent - because the other person works more than anyone else you'll ever meet.

It is nothing like being a single parent.

It's "like being a single parent without any financial concerns"

It's still not like being a single parent. You have a partner with whom you can plan for the future, presumably, he is at least occasionally around for games/shows/parent-teacher night at school, there is another adult living in your house so you can do little things like take your dog for a walk or run to the store while the kids are sleeping. Come on!

I actually had a friend who had to quit coming to Orange Theory with me because the class was at 7pm and her BigLaw DH couldn't be home early enough one night a week for her to go to the class. He might be home by then sometimes, but he couldn't guarantee it. She suggested getting a sitter but he rolled his eyes at her and said it was ridiculous to hire a sitter once a week so that she could go spend money on a workout class, when she could just work out at home after she'd fed the kids and put them to bed.

That's not every BigLaw spouse, but it's a not insignificant percent of them. It's not the same as being a single parent. In some ways, it's worse.

This has to be sarcasm. If the worst thing you can think of for an example is having to drop and Orange Theory class, then no, it's not worse.

It does sound like your friend was married to a jerk, but there are jerks in every profession. That has nothing to do with him being a Big Law partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much money does a typical Biglaw partner in a top 10 or 20 law firm in DC bring home in a month? I keep asking and nobody tells me. Am I right that it’s like $200,000 a month?

It can be anywhere from 50k to $1M a month. Probably the vast majority clustered around $100k-$200k.

Pre-tax.

It’s nice having money. No wonder so many on DCUM are jealous of Biglaw partners and their spouses.

[Anonymous]

It's ulcer-inducing and horrific, in the cases I know personally. The two people I know ended up divorced, with kids who barely knew them, hating their jobs, working to retire early, then retired single and estranged from their children, after putting in time at a job they loathed. Money was GREAT but the actual life was...not great. I say this as someone who wishes I had more money a LOT but truly? Not in that field

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's ulcer-inducing and horrific, in the cases I know personally. The two people I know ended up divorced, with kids who barely knew them, hating their jobs, working to retire early, then retired single and estranged from their children, after putting in time at a job they loathed. Money was GREAT but the actual life was...not great. I say this as someone who wishes I had more money a LOT but truly? Not in that field

You are exaggerating out of jealousy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse of big law partner here.

DH makes close to 2M. There has been one night in the last 6 months he wasn't home in time for dinner and bedtime. Oldest kid plays travel soccer, and he goes to every game (I don't - not my thing). He also coaches younger kid's sports team, so obviously attends / leads every weekday practice and every weekend game. The two of us have date night weekly, and usually spend an hour together every night after the kids are in bed. Then he does another 90 minutes of work while I read next to him.

Overall he works around 50-60 hours a week max. He's highly efficient and very smart (HYP educated), and he's also good at client relationships and managing other lawyers, so he brings in a lot since he takes a cut of the entire client bill - in other words, the hours of those he manages, not just his own hours. Working the longest hours is not always correlated with bringing in the most money.

I know it's tempting to believe that those with more money must somehow be miserable, but it's not always true.

I find it extraordinarily hard to believe that he wasn’t home only once for dinner in the last six months. I can’t think of a single Biglaw partner in the United States of America who can make that claim. Other than that, sure.

Pp here.

If it’s so hard to believe, I just don’t think you know that many big law partners. Or at least equity partners. DH works hard but if he wants to be home for dinner, he can be home for dinner. Same is true for every other equity partner we know.

What field? This is not true in M&A/Venture at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I go on vacation by myself with kids, scheduled C-sections at the end of the day, and never had a honeymoon.

hard life....want some cheese?

No my life is really easy. Spent the day by the pool while kids in school. OP asked what it was like. I gave some examples. If you are someone that wants your spouse home at 5:30, this isn’t the life for you. For me, it’s worked out great. But I’m introverted and don’t mind doing things on my own. Some people may find it lonely and frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's ulcer-inducing and horrific, in the cases I know personally. The two people I know ended up divorced, with kids who barely knew them, hating their jobs, working to retire early, then retired single and estranged from their children, after putting in time at a job they loathed. Money was GREAT but the actual life was...not great. I say this as someone who wishes I had more money a LOT but truly? Not in that field

You are exaggerating out of jealousy.

You might wish that were so, but no. The idea of being a cog in a soulless wheel, working all the time, sounds truly bleak. Love my creative career, flex hours, and fun lifestyle. Wish I had more money, but oh well. Happy most days.