Jealous of Big Law partner spouses?

[Anonymous]

My friend was a lawyer into her 30s when she became a stay at home with a big law husband. It's all fun and games until the kids are getting ready to graduate from high school and hubby decides he wants to marry one of his associates.

My friend is smart but didn't notice her husband shifting their finances over a three year period so that when he surprised her with divorce papers, she was hosed financially. He paid what he had to for the kids but only for a couple more years and she had to rent a new place and find a job. She won't go hungry but is back with the rest of us, trying to re-float her career in her late 50s and trying to figure out her finances. It's amazing how many ways there are to hide money.

"He's a lawyer, what did I expect?" (downs another glass of wine)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i thought ina gartner's fresh air interview was really relatable, she said she and her husband split because she realized she wanted a partner and not a breadwinner. I definitley feel that way. running a house alone and raising kids alone is not fun. not worth it imo. my husband and i walk our three kids to school. he works on math homework while i drill spelling. we take turns cooking and cleaning. i have no desire to do all of this with household staff that i have hired. would rather be single. not the life for me, anyway.

What if the HHI was different?

When Dh and I first got married, we had a HHI of roughly 500k split even. When we had children, I mommy tracked because I was missing my kid’s bedtime every night and I only got to see my kid awake 1 hour per day. We had 3 kids and I eventually stayed home and Dh now earns a seven figure income.

Would you rather both earn 200-300k each split evenly or have one person earn $1 or $2m?

Dp
I'd lean to one earning 1 or 2m but that could change here and there for periods of time. I can see the benefits of both and never nay say one choice over the other unless someone is constantly pining for sahm life while working or always dreaming of working while being a sahm, those people need to find a way to fix their lives to make it more bearable with what they can work with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend was a lawyer into her 30s when she became a stay at home with a big law husband. It's all fun and games until the kids are getting ready to graduate from high school and hubby decides he wants to marry one of his associates.

My friend is smart but didn't notice her husband shifting their finances over a three year period so that when he surprised her with divorce papers, she was hosed financially. He paid what he had to for the kids but only for a couple more years and she had to rent a new place and find a job. She won't go hungry but is back with the rest of us, trying to re-float her career in her late 50s and trying to figure out her finances. It's amazing how many ways there are to hide money.

"He's a lawyer, what did I expect?" (downs another glass of wine)

This happens across the board in this age group. Man can leave working wife for younger woman. It isn’t unique to lawyers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i thought ina gartner's fresh air interview was really relatable, she said she and her husband split because she realized she wanted a partner and not a breadwinner. I definitley feel that way. running a house alone and raising kids alone is not fun. not worth it imo. my husband and i walk our three kids to school. he works on math homework while i drill spelling. we take turns cooking and cleaning. i have no desire to do all of this with household staff that i have hired. would rather be single. not the life for me, anyway.

What if the HHI was different?

When Dh and I first got married, we had a HHI of roughly 500k split even. When we had children, I mommy tracked because I was missing my kid’s bedtime every night and I only got to see my kid awake 1 hour per day. We had 3 kids and I eventually stayed home and Dh now earns a seven figure income.

Would you rather both earn 200-300k each split evenly or have one person earn $1 or $2m?

Dp
I'd lean to one earning 1 or 2m but that could change here and there for periods of time. I can see the benefits of both and never nay say one choice over the other unless someone is constantly pining for sahm life while working or always dreaming of working while being a sahm, those people need to find a way to fix their lives to make it more bearable with what they can work with.

Having one earning spouse is scary on multiple levels - job loss, divorce, health problems, death, just to name a few. We both work extremely flexible jobs for 300k each. The balance is better and with the 401k tax advantages, pensions (we both have a pension), backdoor roth, etc we are probably better off financially than on 1M single income. Did I mention MUCH lower risk with w incomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i thought ina gartner's fresh air interview was really relatable, she said she and her husband split because she realized she wanted a partner and not a breadwinner. I definitley feel that way. running a house alone and raising kids alone is not fun. not worth it imo. my husband and i walk our three kids to school. he works on math homework while i drill spelling. we take turns cooking and cleaning. i have no desire to do all of this with household staff that i have hired. would rather be single. not the life for me, anyway.

What if the HHI was different?

When Dh and I first got married, we had a HHI of roughly 500k split even. When we had children, I mommy tracked because I was missing my kid’s bedtime every night and I only got to see my kid awake 1 hour per day. We had 3 kids and I eventually stayed home and Dh now earns a seven figure income.

Would you rather both earn 200-300k each split evenly or have one person earn $1 or $2m?

Dp
I'd lean to one earning 1 or 2m but that could change here and there for periods of time. I can see the benefits of both and never nay say one choice over the other unless someone is constantly pining for sahm life while working or always dreaming of working while being a sahm, those people need to find a way to fix their lives to make it more bearable with what they can work with.

Having one earning spouse is scary on multiple levels - job loss, divorce, health problems, death, just to name a few. We both work extremely flexible jobs for 300k each. The balance is better and with the 401k tax advantages, pensions (we both have a pension), backdoor roth, etc we are probably better off financially than on 1M single income. Did I mention MUCH lower risk with w incomes.

We are already funded for retirement, kids college and now building trusts for kids. This was possible to do on 2m HHI. I’m the SAHM setting these things up for our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I prefer having a spouse who is home for dinner every night. Can’t put a price on that or outsource it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I prefer having a spouse who is home for dinner every night. Can’t put a price on that or outsource it.

+1

DH is home most nights for dinner. What we don’t have is predictability. I don’t know which nights he won’t be home. I can’t rely on him for driving kids after school. On average, he works late twice per week. For that, he earns $1m more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend was a lawyer into her 30s when she became a stay at home with a big law husband. It's all fun and games until the kids are getting ready to graduate from high school and hubby decides he wants to marry one of his associates.

My friend is smart but didn't notice her husband shifting their finances over a three year period so that when he surprised her with divorce papers, she was hosed financially. He paid what he had to for the kids but only for a couple more years and she had to rent a new place and find a job. She won't go hungry but is back with the rest of us, trying to re-float her career in her late 50s and trying to figure out her finances. It's amazing how many ways there are to hide money.

"He's a lawyer, what did I expect?" (downs another glass of wine)

This is pretty rare among Biglaw partners. Divorce rate is quite low. Why? My theory has been while they have a lot of money to live an UC lifestyle, they do not have a lot of money for that when split in half. 10 million NW good. 5 million will not cover you. Now there are starting to be a lot more super high earners in biglaw -- 5-10 million a year plus. That could change things because they may already have 20 million which leaves them with 10 plus the ability to work to put it back.

But I do have to call BS on PP's story. If the husband shifted finances, any slightly competent divorce lawyer would get that back. I mean if she knows that he shifted finances, that is all the divorce lawyer would need. And in almost every state a nonworking spouse of a high earner will get pretty decent alimony. So either that story is made up or if this is what PP was told -- PP was not being told the truth. Nothing a divorce lawyer likes better than a Biglaw partner. Doctors are nice targets but they prefer Biglaw partners. Predictable earnings for the next 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I prefer having a spouse who is home for dinner every night. Can’t put a price on that or outsource it.

+1

DH is home most nights for dinner. What we don’t have is predictability. I don’t know which nights he won’t be home. I can’t rely on him for driving kids after school. On average, he works late twice per week. For that, he earns $1m more.

I mean this is it right here. Most biglaw partners are not working every night and missing dinner especially after the pandemic. Most are pretty present with the kids. What is missing as PP said is which night is late? The compensation for that is huge.

I would ask the other PP -- why do you want your spouse home for dinner every night? What is the value that you see? With kids sports and other events it is rare that we can have more than a diner or two a week together regardless of my biglaw schedule. We do all spend time together later in the evening when everyone is home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i thought ina gartner's fresh air interview was really relatable, she said she and her husband split because she realized she wanted a partner and not a breadwinner. I definitley feel that way. running a house alone and raising kids alone is not fun. not worth it imo. my husband and i walk our three kids to school. he works on math homework while i drill spelling. we take turns cooking and cleaning. i have no desire to do all of this with household staff that i have hired. would rather be single. not the life for me, anyway.

What if the HHI was different?

When Dh and I first got married, we had a HHI of roughly 500k split even. When we had children, I mommy tracked because I was missing my kid’s bedtime every night and I only got to see my kid awake 1 hour per day. We had 3 kids and I eventually stayed home and Dh now earns a seven figure income.

Would you rather both earn 200-300k each split evenly or have one person earn $1 or $2m?

Dp
I'd lean to one earning 1 or 2m but that could change here and there for periods of time. I can see the benefits of both and never nay say one choice over the other unless someone is constantly pining for sahm life while working or always dreaming of working while being a sahm, those people need to find a way to fix their lives to make it more bearable with what they can work with.

Having one earning spouse is scary on multiple levels - job loss, divorce, health problems, death, just to name a few. We both work extremely flexible jobs for 300k each. The balance is better and with the 401k tax advantages, pensions (we both have a pension), backdoor roth, etc we are probably better off financially than on 1M single income. Did I mention MUCH lower risk with w incomes.

We are already funded for retirement, kids college and now building trusts for kids. This was possible to do on 2m HHI. I’m the SAHM setting these things up for our kids.

Lol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m jealous of their money. Not jealous of their spouses. Most of my law school classmates who stayed in big law are honestly the most obnoxious and insufferable people I know.

+1 I think it takes a huge ego to make it in big law. Would be tough to be married to that.

+1 and they think they work harder and are more important than anyone in the whole wide world. I have never met people who complain about work more than big law attorneys. You would think they were working in a coal mine. Could not be married to that, especially if I were single-handedly shouldering 95% of the parenting, which is basically a given. I will take my and my DH's middling but adequate non-profit pay any day.

OK but your post is off. Yes they think they work harder because they do. Your coal mine example is nonsense. Yes I would rather be a Biglaw Partner than a coal miner. Of course. But the Biglaw Partner is working way more hours at a much higher stress level for bigger stakes. And they are more important that most people. And today in 2024 who gives 95% of the parenting to the stay at home wife? Almost no one including Biglaw partners. Is it more than 50% on the wife? Sure. But most Biglaw partners are pretty heavily involved in children's lives. This is not 1970 or 1980.

The guy who handles my plumbing, police officers, teachers, and the nurse practitioner I see for checkups are WAY more important than any biglaw partner (many of whom are actually making the world WORSE.)

Oh and also, based on my time in biglaw as an associate, approximately 0% of partners were “pretty heavily involved in children’s lives.” Though some of them did at least know what grades their kids were in.

I don’t think you know as much about these partners’ lives as you think you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend was a lawyer into her 30s when she became a stay at home with a big law husband. It's all fun and games until the kids are getting ready to graduate from high school and hubby decides he wants to marry one of his associates.

My friend is smart but didn't notice her husband shifting their finances over a three year period so that when he surprised her with divorce papers, she was hosed financially. He paid what he had to for the kids but only for a couple more years and she had to rent a new place and find a job. She won't go hungry but is back with the rest of us, trying to re-float her career in her late 50s and trying to figure out her finances. It's amazing how many ways there are to hide money.

"He's a lawyer, what did I expect?" (downs another glass of wine)

I call BS. Lots here that doesn’t make sense.

[Anonymous]

Big Law partner here. I admit that I am frequently jealous of my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I prefer having a spouse who is home for dinner every night. Can’t put a price on that or outsource it.

+1

DH is home most nights for dinner. What we don’t have is predictability. I don’t know which nights he won’t be home. I can’t rely on him for driving kids after school. On average, he works late twice per week. For that, he earns $1m more.

I mean this is it right here. Most biglaw partners are not working every night and missing dinner especially after the pandemic. Most are pretty present with the kids. What is missing as PP said is which night is late? The compensation for that is huge.

I would ask the other PP -- why do you want your spouse home for dinner every night? What is the value that you see? With kids sports and other events it is rare that we can have more than a diner or two a week together regardless of my biglaw schedule. We do all spend time together later in the evening when everyone is home.

I’m the ina pp. I don’t want my husband home for dinner every night. I want him to make dinner most nights and work on their homework while I clean up! And then take the kids in evening bike rides. And go to Boy Scout meetings. And make dr appts for them. Read report cards. Attend back to school nights. I want him to read the teacher emails. We are raising three kids together. There’s no shortage of work to do. I’m definitely not interested in outsourcing his parenting role in exchange for a trust fund for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I prefer having a spouse who is home for dinner every night. Can’t put a price on that or outsource it.

+1

DH is home most nights for dinner. What we don’t have is predictability. I don’t know which nights he won’t be home. I can’t rely on him for driving kids after school. On average, he works late twice per week. For that, he earns $1m more.

I mean this is it right here. Most biglaw partners are not working every night and missing dinner especially after the pandemic. Most are pretty present with the kids. What is missing as PP said is which night is late? The compensation for that is huge.

I would ask the other PP -- why do you want your spouse home for dinner every night? What is the value that you see? With kids sports and other events it is rare that we can have more than a diner or two a week together regardless of my biglaw schedule. We do all spend time together later in the evening when everyone is home.

I’m the ina pp. I don’t want my husband home for dinner every night. I want him to make dinner most nights and work on their homework while I clean up! And then take the kids in evening bike rides. And go to Boy Scout meetings. And make dr appts for them. Read report cards. Attend back to school nights. I want him to read the teacher emails. We are raising three kids together. There’s no shortage of work to do. I’m definitely not interested in outsourcing his parenting role in exchange for a trust fund for my kids.

LOL. Also, why do both parents need to read teacher emails? Can't one summarize? A bit of a weird list.

People just don't want to hear that many partners are able to do this. There's a spectrum of jobs and personalities. Also, partners may have busy and slow seasons, such as accountants. I know mine isn't going to Boy Scout meetings in March and April.