Jealous of Big Law partner spouses?

[Anonymous]

^^ my accountant isn't going to BS meetings during tax season

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I prefer having a spouse who is home for dinner every night. Can’t put a price on that or outsource it.

+1

DH is home most nights for dinner. What we don’t have is predictability. I don’t know which nights he won’t be home. I can’t rely on him for driving kids after school. On average, he works late twice per week. For that, he earns $1m more.

I mean this is it right here. Most biglaw partners are not working every night and missing dinner especially after the pandemic. Most are pretty present with the kids. What is missing as PP said is which night is late? The compensation for that is huge.

I would ask the other PP -- why do you want your spouse home for dinner every night? What is the value that you see? With kids sports and other events it is rare that we can have more than a diner or two a week together regardless of my biglaw schedule. We do all spend time together later in the evening when everyone is home.

I’m the ina pp. I don’t want my husband home for dinner every night. I want him to make dinner most nights and work on their homework while I clean up! And then take the kids in evening bike rides. And go to Boy Scout meetings. And make dr appts for them. Read report cards. Attend back to school nights. I want him to read the teacher emails. We are raising three kids together. There’s no shortage of work to do. I’m definitely not interested in outsourcing his parenting role in exchange for a trust fund for my kids.

LOL. Also, why do both parents need to read teacher emails? Can't one summarize? A bit of a weird list.

People just don't want to hear that many partners are able to do this. There's a spectrum of jobs and personalities. Also, partners may have busy and slow seasons, such as accountants. I know mine isn't going to Boy Scout meetings in March and April.

Not sure why the pp thinks high earning spouses don’t pull their share. Yes, mine earns 2-3m while I stay home. He handles all the car, home, insurance and sports. I do think high earners tend to pick what they like. DH is always down to take our kids to sports. He enjoys watching them practice and watching them in games. He often is the one to research tournaments or coaches for private training and drives them. He hates shopping, laundry and running errands. He absolutely would hate to drive our kid to buy a calculator or or pick up milk. He will squirm and avoid Disney but will be first to book a sporting event like World Series.

[Anonymous]

The best part of having a biglaw or other high earning spouse is that you don’t have to worry about college for your kids or worry about money. We can pay 400k each easily for our 3 kids for college and then also easily pay for their grad school tuition, weddings, etc.

If I worked all those years and could not pay for my kids college or they couldn’t attend a private university, that would bother me more than division of labor.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m jealous of their money. Not jealous of their spouses. Most of my law school classmates who stayed in big law are honestly the most obnoxious and insufferable people I know.

+1 I think it takes a huge ego to make it in big law. Would be tough to be married to that.

+1 and they think they work harder and are more important than anyone in the whole wide world. I have never met people who complain about work more than big law attorneys. You would think they were working in a coal mine. Could not be married to that, especially if I were single-handedly shouldering 95% of the parenting, which is basically a given. I will take my and my DH's middling but adequate non-profit pay any day.

OK but your post is off. Yes they think they work harder because they do. Your coal mine example is nonsense. Yes I would rather be a Biglaw Partner than a coal miner. Of course. But the Biglaw Partner is working way more hours at a much higher stress level for bigger stakes. And they are more important that most people. And today in 2024 who gives 95% of the parenting to the stay at home wife? Almost no one including Biglaw partners. Is it more than 50% on the wife? Sure. But most Biglaw partners are pretty heavily involved in children's lives. This is not 1970 or 1980.

The guy who handles my plumbing, police officers, teachers, and the nurse practitioner I see for checkups are WAY more important than any biglaw partner (many of whom are actually making the world WORSE.)

Oh and also, based on my time in biglaw as an associate, approximately 0% of partners were “pretty heavily involved in children’s lives.” Though some of them did at least know what grades their kids were in.

I don’t think you know as much about these partners’ lives as you think you do.

I know that they never left the office, and that they complained about how their wives complained that they don’t know their own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m jealous of their money. Not jealous of their spouses. Most of my law school classmates who stayed in big law are honestly the most obnoxious and insufferable people I know.

+1 I think it takes a huge ego to make it in big law. Would be tough to be married to that.

+1 and they think they work harder and are more important than anyone in the whole wide world. I have never met people who complain about work more than big law attorneys. You would think they were working in a coal mine. Could not be married to that, especially if I were single-handedly shouldering 95% of the parenting, which is basically a given. I will take my and my DH's middling but adequate non-profit pay any day.

OK but your post is off. Yes they think they work harder because they do. Your coal mine example is nonsense. Yes I would rather be a Biglaw Partner than a coal miner. Of course. But the Biglaw Partner is working way more hours at a much higher stress level for bigger stakes. And they are more important that most people. And today in 2024 who gives 95% of the parenting to the stay at home wife? Almost no one including Biglaw partners. Is it more than 50% on the wife? Sure. But most Biglaw partners are pretty heavily involved in children's lives. This is not 1970 or 1980.

The guy who handles my plumbing, police officers, teachers, and the nurse practitioner I see for checkups are WAY more important than any biglaw partner (many of whom are actually making the world WORSE.)

Oh and also, based on my time in biglaw as an associate, approximately 0% of partners were “pretty heavily involved in children’s lives.” Though some of them did at least know what grades their kids were in.

I don’t think you know as much about these partners’ lives as you think you do.

I know that they never left the office, and that they complained about how their wives complained that they don’t know their own kids.

How do you know what they are like at home?

DH is not a lawyer but in another high demanding field. He does not talk about the kids at work. When he is home, he is 100% devoted to us. I don’t think he needs to tell his staff that he tucks our daughter in at night or does the dishes after dinner. I worked in finance and almost all my bosses had stay at home wives. While I didn’t know anything about their day to day, I knew they very much loved their kids. It isn’t some flex to be an absent dad. Just because a partner may not be chitchatting to his associate about his family doesn’t mean this low associate knows anything about their family.

I know several law firm partners who do kid drop off in the mornings. I see them at the bus stop. Our next door neighbor was a partner at a niche firm and definitely earned milions but as a rainmaker, I don’t think he worked as much as associates. That is just the one neighbor partner. He was our next door neighbor and he coached soccer, walked the dog, etc. I can’t remember what time of day he did these things but he absolutely was present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend was a lawyer into her 30s when she became a stay at home with a big law husband. It's all fun and games until the kids are getting ready to graduate from high school and hubby decides he wants to marry one of his associates.

My friend is smart but didn't notice her husband shifting their finances over a three year period so that when he surprised her with divorce papers, she was hosed financially. He paid what he had to for the kids but only for a couple more years and she had to rent a new place and find a job. She won't go hungry but is back with the rest of us, trying to re-float her career in her late 50s and trying to figure out her finances. It's amazing how many ways there are to hide money.

"He's a lawyer, what did I expect?" (downs another glass of wine)

Key is being fully involved in all finances, especially if a sahp.

I they don’t want you to be involved that is a huge red flag

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend was a lawyer into her 30s when she became a stay at home with a big law husband. It's all fun and games until the kids are getting ready to graduate from high school and hubby decides he wants to marry one of his associates.

My friend is smart but didn't notice her husband shifting their finances over a three year period so that when he surprised her with divorce papers, she was hosed financially. He paid what he had to for the kids but only for a couple more years and she had to rent a new place and find a job. She won't go hungry but is back with the rest of us, trying to re-float her career in her late 50s and trying to figure out her finances. It's amazing how many ways there are to hide money.

"He's a lawyer, what did I expect?" (downs another glass of wine)

This is pretty rare among Biglaw partners. Divorce rate is quite low. Why? My theory has been while they have a lot of money to live an UC lifestyle, they do not have a lot of money for that when split in half. 10 million NW good. 5 million will not cover you. Now there are starting to be a lot more super high earners in biglaw -- 5-10 million a year plus. That could change things because they may already have 20 million which leaves them with 10 plus the ability to work to put it back.

But I do have to call BS on PP's story. If the husband shifted finances, any slightly competent divorce lawyer would get that back. I mean if she knows that he shifted finances, that is all the divorce lawyer would need. And in almost every state a nonworking spouse of a high earner will get pretty decent alimony. So either that story is made up or if this is what PP was told -- PP was not being told the truth. Nothing a divorce lawyer likes better than a Biglaw partner. Doctors are nice targets but they prefer Biglaw partners. Predictable earnings for the next 20 years.

Yup! In most states over 10-20 years married and you get half of everything plus ongoing alimony to maintain a similar lifestyle ( hint close to 40-50% of income) you are typically well protected

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I prefer having a spouse who is home for dinner every night. Can’t put a price on that or outsource it.

+1

DH is home most nights for dinner. What we don’t have is predictability. I don’t know which nights he won’t be home. I can’t rely on him for driving kids after school. On average, he works late twice per week. For that, he earns $1m more.

I mean this is it right here. Most biglaw partners are not working every night and missing dinner especially after the pandemic. Most are pretty present with the kids. What is missing as PP said is which night is late? The compensation for that is huge.

I would ask the other PP -- why do you want your spouse home for dinner every night? What is the value that you see? With kids sports and other events it is rare that we can have more than a diner or two a week together regardless of my biglaw schedule. We do all spend time together later in the evening when everyone is home.

This 1000%!

Not big law but high income spouse. When they are around they are 💯 present with the kids. But that income has provided for college fully funded, nice trips with family (including kids into college and beyond). Sure dad didn’t coach little league but he likely wasn’t going to do that even with a 9-5 job. And yes when kids were es/ms/hs they were busy with activities in evenings. We didn’t have family dinners—we ate on the go. Our kids did t need both parents (or even one) at every game. They knew we would try to be at major events.

[Anonymous]

It’s ok I guess if you want an argumentative husband who actually is always right. Maybe the money can help process the resentment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m jealous of their money. Not jealous of their spouses. Most of my law school classmates who stayed in big law are honestly the most obnoxious and insufferable people I know.

+1 I think it takes a huge ego to make it in big law. Would be tough to be married to that.

+1 and they think they work harder and are more important than anyone in the whole wide world. I have never met people who complain about work more than big law attorneys. You would think they were working in a coal mine. Could not be married to that, especially if I were single-handedly shouldering 95% of the parenting, which is basically a given. I will take my and my DH's middling but adequate non-profit pay any day.

OK but your post is off. Yes they think they work harder because they do. Your coal mine example is nonsense. Yes I would rather be a Biglaw Partner than a coal miner. Of course. But the Biglaw Partner is working way more hours at a much higher stress level for bigger stakes. And they are more important that most people. And today in 2024 who gives 95% of the parenting to the stay at home wife? Almost no one including Biglaw partners. Is it more than 50% on the wife? Sure. But most Biglaw partners are pretty heavily involved in children's lives. This is not 1970 or 1980.

The guy who handles my plumbing, police officers, teachers, and the nurse practitioner I see for checkups are WAY more important than any biglaw partner (many of whom are actually making the world WORSE.)

Oh and also, based on my time in biglaw as an associate, approximately 0% of partners were “pretty heavily involved in children’s lives.” Though some of them did at least know what grades their kids were in.

I don’t think you know as much about these partners’ lives as you think you do.

I know that they never left the office, and that they complained about how their wives complained that they don’t know their own kids.

How do you know what they are like at home?

DH is not a lawyer but in another high demanding field. He does not talk about the kids at work. When he is home, he is 100% devoted to us. I don’t think he needs to tell his staff that he tucks our daughter in at night or does the dishes after dinner. I worked in finance and almost all my bosses had stay at home wives. While I didn’t know anything about their day to day, I knew they very much loved their kids. It isn’t some flex to be an absent dad. Just because a partner may not be chitchatting to his associate about his family doesn’t mean this low associate knows anything about their family.

I know several law firm partners who do kid drop off in the mornings. I see them at the bus stop. Our next door neighbor was a partner at a niche firm and definitely earned milions but as a rainmaker, I don’t think he worked as much as associates. That is just the one neighbor partner. He was our next door neighbor and he coached soccer, walked the dog, etc. I can’t remember what time of day he did these things but he absolutely was present.

Most of us know that someone can be a partner and go to field hockey games and walk the dog but no one who know big law partners is delusional enough to think that this happens when there isn’t a big case and often there are. It’s about the clients and it’s non stop. Your work is first. No one is saying someone isn’t a devoted parent but a present parent? No, not really. At the margins but not like many other parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best part of having a biglaw or other high earning spouse is that you don’t have to worry about college for your kids or worry about money. We can pay 400k each easily for our 3 kids for college and then also easily pay for their grad school tuition, weddings, etc.

If I worked all those years and could not pay for my kids college or they couldn’t attend a private university, that would bother me more than division of labor.

I think it's much worse seeing parents paying 50K (per kid) a year for private school only to have them end up at mediocre universities which they could've gotten into just going to a public HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m jealous of their money. Not jealous of their spouses. Most of my law school classmates who stayed in big law are honestly the most obnoxious and insufferable people I know.

+1 I think it takes a huge ego to make it in big law. Would be tough to be married to that.

+1 and they think they work harder and are more important than anyone in the whole wide world. I have never met people who complain about work more than big law attorneys. You would think they were working in a coal mine. Could not be married to that, especially if I were single-handedly shouldering 95% of the parenting, which is basically a given. I will take my and my DH's middling but adequate non-profit pay any day.

OK but your post is off. Yes they think they work harder because they do. Your coal mine example is nonsense. Yes I would rather be a Biglaw Partner than a coal miner. Of course. But the Biglaw Partner is working way more hours at a much higher stress level for bigger stakes. And they are more important that most people. And today in 2024 who gives 95% of the parenting to the stay at home wife? Almost no one including Biglaw partners. Is it more than 50% on the wife? Sure. But most Biglaw partners are pretty heavily involved in children's lives. This is not 1970 or 1980.

The guy who handles my plumbing, police officers, teachers, and the nurse practitioner I see for checkups are WAY more important than any biglaw partner (many of whom are actually making the world WORSE.)

Oh and also, based on my time in biglaw as an associate, approximately 0% of partners were “pretty heavily involved in children’s lives.” Though some of them did at least know what grades their kids were in.

I don’t think you know as much about these partners’ lives as you think you do.

I know that they never left the office, and that they complained about how their wives complained that they don’t know their own kids.

See its comments like this that show you are off. Since the pandemic most partners are not in the office much --- and they would not complain about what you said to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best part of having a biglaw or other high earning spouse is that you don’t have to worry about college for your kids or worry about money. We can pay 400k each easily for our 3 kids for college and then also easily pay for their grad school tuition, weddings, etc.

If I worked all those years and could not pay for my kids college or they couldn’t attend a private university, that would bother me more than division of labor.

I think it's much worse seeing parents paying 50K (per kid) a year for private school only to have them end up at mediocre universities which they could've gotten into just going to a public HS.

What if 50k to them was like 2500 to you? That is the way I think about it. I do not miss the 50k. Just extra money floating around. Could it be spent somewhere else? Not really. Could I save for retirement? Already put aside 400k a year. Don't need more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m jealous of their money. Not jealous of their spouses. Most of my law school classmates who stayed in big law are honestly the most obnoxious and insufferable people I know.

+1 I think it takes a huge ego to make it in big law. Would be tough to be married to that.

+1 and they think they work harder and are more important than anyone in the whole wide world. I have never met people who complain about work more than big law attorneys. You would think they were working in a coal mine. Could not be married to that, especially if I were single-handedly shouldering 95% of the parenting, which is basically a given. I will take my and my DH's middling but adequate non-profit pay any day.

OK but your post is off. Yes they think they work harder because they do. Your coal mine example is nonsense. Yes I would rather be a Biglaw Partner than a coal miner. Of course. But the Biglaw Partner is working way more hours at a much higher stress level for bigger stakes. And they are more important that most people. And today in 2024 who gives 95% of the parenting to the stay at home wife? Almost no one including Biglaw partners. Is it more than 50% on the wife? Sure. But most Biglaw partners are pretty heavily involved in children's lives. This is not 1970 or 1980.

The guy who handles my plumbing, police officers, teachers, and the nurse practitioner I see for checkups are WAY more important than any biglaw partner (many of whom are actually making the world WORSE.)

Oh and also, based on my time in biglaw as an associate, approximately 0% of partners were “pretty heavily involved in children’s lives.” Though some of them did at least know what grades their kids were in.

I don’t think you know as much about these partners’ lives as you think you do.

I know that they never left the office, and that they complained about how their wives complained that they don’t know their own kids.

How do you know what they are like at home?

DH is not a lawyer but in another high demanding field. He does not talk about the kids at work. When he is home, he is 100% devoted to us. I don’t think he needs to tell his staff that he tucks our daughter in at night or does the dishes after dinner. I worked in finance and almost all my bosses had stay at home wives. While I didn’t know anything about their day to day, I knew they very much loved their kids. It isn’t some flex to be an absent dad. Just because a partner may not be chitchatting to his associate about his family doesn’t mean this low associate knows anything about their family.

I know several law firm partners who do kid drop off in the mornings. I see them at the bus stop. Our next door neighbor was a partner at a niche firm and definitely earned milions but as a rainmaker, I don’t think he worked as much as associates. That is just the one neighbor partner. He was our next door neighbor and he coached soccer, walked the dog, etc. I can’t remember what time of day he did these things but he absolutely was present.

Most of us know that someone can be a partner and go to field hockey games and walk the dog but no one who know big law partners is delusional enough to think that this happens when there isn’t a big case and often there are. It’s about the clients and it’s non stop. Your work is first. No one is saying someone isn’t a devoted parent but a present parent? No, not really. At the margins but not like many other parents.

What is a present parent? I agree with you on the big case. But so what. That is an episode not a life. And even for the biggest of biglaw that is not a frequent repeat.

[Anonymous]

Not really. Maybe jealous of their bank accounts but nothing else.