Son is too embarrassed to return to campus to finish BA as a 5th year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually know someone who, officially, did not graduate from college because he refused to take the required swim class. He went through his entire life telling everyone (including employers) that he graduated and had a BS, and nobody called him on it. Not that I recommend that approach for your son, or anyone. But there are things more embarrassing than having to come back for another year.

I was nearly this person... I tried a way around swimming for 4.5 years... I took it in the last semester and barely passed. But also back to the OP, I was in school for 6.5 years, and I was in school for 4.5 years but around campus a lot and got a lot of looks and questions. It is ok, nobody will care once you get that paper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such a non-issue but if he thinks it to be then really counseling is needed as sounds like social anxiety.

Former college advisor.

If you were really a college advisor, then you would know it is pretty uncommon at many small LACs to not graduate in 4 years. (Now that I am a parent, I know that part of the reason is that it is too expensive to add extra semesters!). LACs are small close knit communities and people off the norm stick out in a way. I still remember the one guy like this when I was an undergrad at a LAC - I didn’t care about him one way or another, but I remember people did speak disparagingly about him.

OP, I am just saying this because I sympathize with your son’s feelings! They are valid and aren’t a sign he needs anxiety therapy (he may or may not, but feeling this way isn’t dispositive in my non-medical experience).

However, I would strongly encourage him to go. He may be fine when he gets there! I would also investigate is there a date by which he can withdraw if he is miserable. I’d also suggest he get a job this year because if he keeps himself busy with classes and work, he won’t be in as many situations where he feels he is even being noticed. Can he live off campus? Have a car while there to visit friends on weekends? These are just ideas that might make him feel better about returning.

Good luck - I am a believer that these experiences make one stronger and more resilient in the long run and hope this becomes true for your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is such a non-issue but if he thinks it to be then really counseling is needed as sounds like social anxiety.

Former college advisor.

If you were really a college advisor, then you would know it is pretty uncommon at many small LACs to not graduate in 4 years. (Now that I am a parent, I know that part of the reason is that it is too expensive to add extra semesters!). LACs are small close knit communities and people off the norm stick out in a way. I still remember the one guy like this when I was an undergrad at a LAC - I didn’t care about him one way or another, but I remember people did speak disparagingly about him.

OP, I am just saying this because I sympathize with your son’s feelings! They are valid and aren’t a sign he needs anxiety therapy (he may or may not, but feeling this way isn’t dispositive in my non-medical experience).

However, I would strongly encourage him to go. He may be fine when he gets there! I would also investigate is there a date by which he can withdraw if he is miserable. I’d also suggest he get a job this year because if he keeps himself busy with classes and work, he won’t be in as many situations where he feels he is even being noticed. Can he live off campus? Have a car while there to visit friends on weekends? These are just ideas that might make him feel better about returning.

Good luck - I am a believer that these experiences make one stronger and more resilient in the long run and hope this becomes true for your son.

Sigh. We have been through this already. It is less rare than you think, even at the best colleges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Worth knowing what caused the shaky grades. Is he in over his head or were his priorities off? to state the obvious if he didn't graduate it means he didn't pass the classes. And not just one or two but enough to have to stay a whole year

If in over his head I might consider letting my kid finish elsewhere but not at a school that will cost more.

if priorities are off he might need a life coach/mentor/therapist to help him get on track. Kids often need to hear tough talk from adults other than their parents.

Not just a class or two this fall, he will have to be on campus for courses the entire academic year. Slacking off, partying, and got in over his head. Doesn’t seem interested in partying anymore. All of his friends moved on and are working big city jobs or off the law and medical school.

Hmmmm. How is he really, OP, because many students slack off and party" and still graduate on time. And what happened when he was "in over his head".

I saw another poster congratulating you on his honesty. Is he being honest? Because this sounds a bit more like addiction issues. Is it possible he doesn't want to go back because he realizes his sobriety (drugs, alcohol, whatever) is somewhat fragile?

But I also agree transferring isn't a great option. You are kind of down to the wire here. I would try to have another talk with him and figure out if you are hearing the real story. If he truly is just embarrassed, he should plan to go back, but with a counseling appointment set up to help him work through the feelings. If it's something more serious, if extra time at home is possible to address those issues that might not be a bad idea.

Extra time at home just makes the situation even worse? Would extend graduation another year, so he’d probably say to hell with it by that point.

It makes the situation "worse" if you are laser focused on graduating/not graduating. If addition or mental health challenges are the actual issues, trust me, the worse that can happen is much lower than not getting a degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought 5 years was close to becoming the norm.

Are the graduation rates published in USN&WR and similar college ranking sites still based on 4 years?

Not at top privates. Many kids are finishing early in 3 or 3.5 years. And a lot of privates also live together on campus every year, so it really sucks if you have to return and live off campus to finish.

Do the Ivies even offer enough online courses to finish your degree remote if you don’t want to move back? Imagine being a year away from a degree at Cornell, Brown or Dartmouth and you have to go rent an apt in those pretty obscure towns when you’re older than everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is doing a 6th year. I wish he felt a little embarrassed. He's so lackadaisical about it and feels zero pressure. I really don't care, except for the financial aspect of it. He's going to have an extra 2 years of student loans!

What sort of college? It’s embarrassing but much easier to fly under the radar at a larger university, especially located in a large metro, than a more intimate private where everyone knows everyone, possibly in a more obscure college town.

[Anonymous]

Has he talked with his college advisor? He might be able to do some classes at another university and transfer them in to current school for credit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has he talked with his college advisor? He might be able to do some classes at another university and transfer them in to current school for credit.

This is what a family member did. Don’t know all the details, there was a general requirement that he was able to fill with a CC class. An anticlimactic finish, but the college worked with him and he graduated. The mess started with a study abroad that ended didn’t go well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me at an elite school that I won’t name. It was a credit transfer mix up but I also had shaky grades so it looked like I had failed out. It was embarrassing because the only other people in my grade who didn’t finish were a famous actress and someone who took time off for cancer treatment.

But I stayed for the summer and did my credits. It sucked. I know people talked about me behind my back but I also knew I didn’t have a choice. I felt embarrassed for 5 years or so (when I had to put a fall graduation date in for month and year of graduation in job applications) but I don’t think about it much now.

My parents kept the shaming going much longer than I felt the shame, if that informs OP’s approach. It was not their money being spent, which made it that much worse.

The bolded is merely how you perceived it to be. It wasn’t actually the case. Your post is self-centered, irrelevant and definitely not helpful.

I worked in the office responsible for issuing diplomas as a work-study job. I assure you it was true and I’m not sure why you would try to negate someone’s actual experience at a relatively small university where not graduating on time pre-Covid was exceptionally rare. My hope is that my extreme case reassures OP that the most self-conscious and obvious non-graduate can survive.

So you memorized or compared the diploma list to the incoming freshman list for that year? Yeah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought 5 years was close to becoming the norm.

Are the graduation rates published in USN&WR and similar college ranking sites still based on 4 years?

Not at top privates. Many kids are finishing early in 3 or 3.5 years. And a lot of privates also live together on campus every year, so it really sucks if you have to return and live off campus to finish.

Do the Ivies even offer enough online courses to finish your degree remote if you don’t want to move back? Imagine being a year away from a degree at Cornell, Brown or Dartmouth and you have to go rent an apt in those pretty obscure towns when you’re older than everyone.

This is so dumb and not even accurate. So many people take a gap year, athletes redshirt, play juniors (hockey), etc. Not everyone is 18-22.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought 5 years was close to becoming the norm.

Are the graduation rates published in USN&WR and similar college ranking sites still based on 4 years?

Not at top privates. Many kids are finishing early in 3 or 3.5 years. And a lot of privates also live together on campus every year, so it really sucks if you have to return and live off campus to finish.

Do the Ivies even offer enough online courses to finish your degree remote if you don’t want to move back? Imagine being a year away from a degree at Cornell, Brown or Dartmouth and you have to go rent an apt in those pretty obscure towns when you’re older than everyone.

You pulled this out of your a$$. Do you have any actual proof that “many” students are doing this? Because there are already links to data on this thread showing the opposite.

[Anonymous]

I know so many kids with mental health issues that took a semester off and went back to finish up a 5th year. Some had a December graduation.

It was rare except for the 5th year hard partiers back when I attended college. Now you will see more kids doing it and also a lot more kids transfer schools which also was rare back in the day.

[Anonymous]

This is such a non issue. I changed majors and stayed for another semester to finish it (also took another class to get a double in my original major.) I bonded with the other students who were also there (someone who took a year off for mental health issues, another switched major, probably another who didn't say). Truly, everyone is really focusing on themselves and no one truly cares about you! Also, once everyone graduates they will all take DRAMATICALLY different life paths. Obvious to adults, but maybe not to a 22 year old.

Again, the embarrassment is trivial compared to not getting a BA, which will limit his options for the rest of his life. Do whatever it takes to get him to finish it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought 5 years was close to becoming the norm.

Are the graduation rates published in USN&WR and similar college ranking sites still based on 4 years?

Not at top privates. Many kids are finishing early in 3 or 3.5 years. And a lot of privates also live together on campus every year, so it really sucks if you have to return and live off campus to finish.

Do the Ivies even offer enough online courses to finish your degree remote if you don’t want to move back? Imagine being a year away from a degree at Cornell, Brown or Dartmouth and you have to go rent an apt in those pretty obscure towns when you’re older than everyone.

This is so dumb and not even accurate. So many people take a gap year, athletes redshirt, play juniors (hockey), etc. Not everyone is 18-22.

Seriously. Dartmouth, for example, has a long-standing program for admitting veterans every year. Somehow they manage with being older than many of their classmates. https://admissions.dartmouth.edu/glossary-term/veterans

[Anonymous]

The posters jumping in to say how rare this is at their “elite privates” and “top schools” are totally full of shit. Interestingly, not a single one gives any actual numbers.