It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
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Anonymous
Op here. I make a quarter or less of what DH makes so we live off his income only. All of my income is a bonus that goes to extra savings and more cushion, which is nice but we don’t worry about losing it. We would still be able to save and meet current expenses without it. Because of the income disparity, DH also has a much less flexible schedule and works a lot more. So I am already the default parent- he seems the kids for an hour in the morning at most as he gets back past their bedtime. I have done bath and bed and every post work routine myself for years now. Typing all this makes me wonder if SAH is the right choice. It is just hard to give up the extra money I guess. |
Anonymous
This. I never wanted to SAH, but now that my DD is 8 and so busy, I'd love to. I could totally stay busy during the day while she's at school with home and life stuff (which I totally would've thought was laughable a couple of years ago). I'm so sick of our lives being such that if I hit traffic leaving work, it throws our entire evening for a loop. I feel frazzled and like I'm not doing my best at home and work. At the least, I wish I didn't have a job that required so much brain power. I probably would not admit that out loud to many people, but it's the truth. But I make good money (about 50% of our household income, though we'd be fine on DH's income alone) and it seems stupid to quit. So I stay, but I am SO tired. It's getting harder and harder to get up early enough to get into work early enough to leave in time to get her to all the things. I haven't slept past 5am in so many years. I'd love to SAH for the next 5-10 years and then come back... but it's not really an option in my industry. |
Anonymous
In your shoes I would totally try it, especially if you’re in a field where taking a break and finding a job again or working part time is feasible. Kinda jealous tbh; I’m single parent so I don’t have the option to stay home and I too feel like I’m better with my kids on long breaks than when I’m not constantly dividing attention between them and work. Either way, wishing you the best! |
Anonymous
Well, I wasn’t the person who called her a ‘monster.’ I just said she shouldn’t have had kids if she really didn’t want to be a parent. And yes, I feel the same way about fathers too. In my line of work, I see so many children with parents who are not committed to raising them and it really has an impact on the kids on so many levels. The kids are not all ‘fine’ unfortunately. |
Anonymous
Did you say she shouldn’t have kids, or did you say she should have “kept her legs closed”? One is an inherently sexist comment and you can’t backpedal now. If you’re “just” the poster who called her selfish and said she shouldn’t have had kids, what in earth value do you think your opinion has? Do you think she’s going to read that an invent a Time Machine? Is she going to read that and place her kids for adoption? Other than dumping on a mother for making a choice you don’t agree with, what even was the point? God help us that you claim to work with kids— I assure you you’re more damaging than someone who had children because their spouse wanted them. |
Anonymous
If you are unsure if you want to SAH, I wouldn't do it. Even women who really really WANT to SAH struggle with it at times, I can't imagine doing it and being unsure if you even want to. |
Anonymous
Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working). |
Anonymous
Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him. |
Anonymous
Yeah, I wasn't really thinking of SAHM's whose kids are out of the house for 7+ hours per day. |
Anonymous
You do know that moms have been working since the beginning of time. While your mother or mine may not have worked for the same reasons and same circumstances you do she knows people. My mother taking tonne about her struggles and limits that she had have definitely helped me see things differently and hearing from someone who has completed the tasks I’m now doing can be really helpful in seeing what is really important and what is just noise. |
Anonymous
Obviously I’m not suggesting she place her kids for adoption. Perhaps she can become more aware that her lack of interest in being a parent does indeed have a negative impact on her children. They may not be ‘fine’ just because she thinks they are. Hopefully she can put more of an effort to at least seem interested in them and not just pawn them off on her DH and nanny. Kids can tell when a parent is not really invested in them and it has negative consequences on their mental health. Also, perhaps she should think twice before having more kids just to ‘make her husband happy.’ |
Anonymous
What kept you from just saying the bolded? Did it make you feel really good to tell someone she shouldn’t have had children and was selfish? You work with kids right? Those are the credentials you gave for why your views matter. What do you tell them about bullying? |
Anonymous
I think this is good advice. I would add as well that you need to do something to manage the risk of being a SAHM, by keeping your resume active somehow (one of my friends did a PhD over the eight years she SAH. It came to like one class a semester, but no one ever questioned the gap in her resume because she was in a student status, and returns to the workforce with a new credential) or by having an explicit discussion with your husband about how you guys would secure your financial safety in the event of his death (double up your life insurance) or divorce (post-nup?) |
Anonymous
Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing. |
Anonymous
Most people’s work is not exciting. |