It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so true. I had a week off work recently and even tho the kids were at school and still needed regular pickup and stuff done - I felt like I was on amazing vaca and had so much me time which was awesome for mental health

You don’t have young kids.

100%
But this is why I always think it’s such a joke when sahms of school aged kids say they can’t work bc they don’t have time. There’s nothing but time!

May be, it's a joke to you because you you are convinced you are somehow qualified to judge others but not yourself.

[Anonymous]

*May be, it's a joke to you because you are convinced that somehow qualified to judge others but not yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Uh yeah man. I do this because it’s easier! Obviously! Why would I make my life harder if I didn’t need to??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, no matter you are a SAHM or stay at office mom, neither is easy. This debate is stupid.

Its only easy if you've a maid, day and night nannies, a house manager, supportive husband, four involved grandparents and a well paying flexible job.

NOPE!
being a sahm to school aged kids is easy. need to call it out.
it's FINE that it's easy. why NOT make your life easier? but don't pretend it's not.
it does change the marriage dynamic and as well it should. It's ok to admit that life is easier for one party than the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not worrying about a paycheck/single income.
You haven't been the default parent 24/7 long enough to feel burnt out.
You're still in the honeymoon phase.

This second one is huge. When I went back to work part-time, there was massive relief in just being able to get away from my kids and from household obligations. When you do it for years, it can feel crushing after a while. Sure, it's great when your kids have these charming little moments of connection or when you really get to see them for the person they are at this moment in time -- that's why I stayed home for the years I did. But you also get all their annoying, demanding, flawed behavior, and you get it over and over and over all day every day. And not only are those behaviors irritating at times, they are also your responsibility to address. So if your kid is getting whiny, or never cleans up, or has become a picky eater, not only will you get very tired of dealing with those behaviors, you also will feel the frustration of failure when your kid keeps doing it, because it means that you haven't adequately addressed the behavior or taught them something better.

It is sometimes easier to be a "good parent" when someone else is working on those issues with your kids all day, and you get to come home and enjoy the fruits of their labor.

Yes, and that is because "Parenting" is a full time job too. In my opinion - working outside home, running a household and parenting are three full time jobs. And depending on your own situation you may be doing n number of full time jobs.

Parenting has been smooth for me and I have enjoyed it a lot. Maybe my kids were unicorns and therefore I got joy and satisfaction being with them? . But, as a sahm, I was able to outsource some household tasks and concentrated on the parenting. I was doing only 1.5 full time jobs.

[Anonymous]

There's a HUGE difference between a SAHM mom with multiple kids at home at the baby/toddler stage and being a SAHM while your kids are in school all day. The former is much MUCH harder and I think it's important to say which one you are when you talk about it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a HUGE difference between a SAHM mom with multiple kids at home at the baby/toddler stage and being a SAHM while your kids are in school all day. The former is much MUCH harder and I think it's important to say which one you are when you talk about it here.

I have done it all. From birth to college. I only raised my own two NT kid, so naturally they grew up and became more independent. My job description did not change and I felt fully empowered to hire help to make things smoother for everyone at home.

[Anonymous]

You get a trophy for having it the hardest?

I am happy being a wealthy sahm of grown kids.

[Anonymous]

I agree and that is why I do not work anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not for me. I’m great on weeknights but shit on weekends. I am definitely not cut out for full time parenting.

So you are saying you aren’t really qualified to raise your own children properly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, no matter you are a SAHM or stay at office mom, neither is easy. This debate is stupid.

Its only easy if you've a maid, day and night nannies, a house manager, supportive husband, four involved grandparents and a well paying flexible job.

NOPE!
being a sahm to school aged kids is easy. need to call it out.
it's FINE that it's easy. why NOT make your life easier? but don't pretend it's not.
it does change the marriage dynamic and as well it should. It's ok to admit that life is easier for one party than the other.

I dont find it easier to sah with elementary kids. I don’t like housework and household management, and I especially hate having all that fall in me if dh is a sole breadwinner. I prefer to work part time and therefore have money to outsource some cleaning and food prep, and just generally having a life outside of my family. I do love volunteering at my kids school, and doing field trips and outings though so a flexible part time job is ideal for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a put down of working moms, I am one myself. Am taking a long period of PTO and am realizing just how much easier it is to be a present, happy and organized mom when I don’t have to balance work with family life.

For one, quality time is important but there is something magical about being there all day, especially with young kids. You get to be there for little moments throughout the day when they surprise you by making interesting observations, doing something unexpected or just saying something funny/sweet. I already spent at least 4 hours with them everyday while working (WFH, before work, lunch and after work) but the interactions that are most fulfilling tend to be in the middle of the day when everyone is the most relaxed and not trying to do anything or get anywhere.

It’s also just nicer because I am more present and energized when I’m with them. I go to bed earlier because I’m not staying up later to get some “me” time after they go to bed- I get some of that while they are taking naps/at activities. I wake up at 6am feeling energized instead of tired and am in a better mood. I am more patient with them all day because I am rested.

There’s also just more time for the various parent and life admin stuff and everything doesn’t feel like so much of a slog. I’ve had time to deal with insurance claims, meet up with friends that I haven’t seen in a year, organize and rotate their toys which has resulted in them playing in a more engaged way than I’ve ever seen, plan family vacations and even get ahead of the holiday rush.

It’s just been so easy and happy for the whole family. It’s made me feel like the downsides of SAH are constantly stressed on this board, but no one really admits how much better it can be for a lot of moms and families in many ways. I’m sure many super moms will say they can do all this and work, but it can be hard to maintain all that energy all day. Everyone only has so much to give.

I think your title puts down SHAMs, not working moms. I stopped reading end of first line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Uh yeah man. I do this because it’s easier! Obviously! Why would I make my life harder if I didn’t need to??

This. I chose to stay home so we could have a more relaxed life. I had the best of both worlds by being able to keep a hand in my career through occasional freelance projects for former colleagues but otherwise just focus on my family. I eventually went back to work FT when the kids were in ES. What I saw with friends and coworkers over the years with the stress of handling babies/little kids + demanding jobs was not at all appealing. I had the ability to not do that and was happy with my choices.

I don't get SAHMs who say their life is harder or equally hard as a 2-career family. For the most part, no it's not. If it is, why are you doing that? But some people feel like they need to justify the choice by saying it's so hard. I have no need to be a martyr. I chose an easier path and was happy to do so.

[Anonymous]

No career is more important than my family and kids.

Being a well to do, well educated sahm, with a lot of family support and hired help is what worked for me. I don't want to balance anything at all- because it is never balanced really.

I just wanted to maximize being the best parent that I could be for my kids and give them any leg-up I could.
I am a valuable resource for my entire family and I take good care of me. It is stupid to be a martyr and it certainly does not serve your family and kids.

[Anonymous]

I have found taking long paid stretches at key times — like a month in the summer before kindergarten— let’s me be the parent I want to be without the resentment, risk, and loss of income.

I’m not cut out to SAH and I know it, but I enjoy the moments as OP described.