It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.

Do you know any real people? Most people who work wouldn’t call it exciting experiences, it is a paycheck. Very few people make or female really love their jobs. Also if you think SAHMS just mop and fold laundry then you must not know any. There are many valuable and rewarding ways in which one can use their time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.

I only agree with this when it’s true. Dad sitting at a desk all day is not more exciting than mom folding laundry.

My husband makes more money than me but I have the much cooler job, and so for me it’s important that our kids see that (and as I said elsewhere, get the benefits like travel of my having that job) because the studies are clear that daughters of working mothers get a solid edge. But I might not make that choice to just sit at a desk making less money than my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Oh please.
If kids are too young to go to school it’s stressful but once they are at school it’s basically vaca.
I wft and do ‘all the things’. If there is time for me to have a super demanding job in addition to dealing with school aged kids and laundry and dinner etc then sahms have plenty of time to chill.
I take literal vacations that are just me not working and staying at home/ no travel and they are great.

[Anonymous]

I found it easier with young kids to balance work. Now in MS, I find I need more time to be a good mom. Between sports carpools and helping with homework, running errands and play dates. Just being around to talk to them and planning camps/family vacations and stuff, I find it a lot more time intensive mentally. I hired nanny at young ages but now I have no help. They can make breakfast and lunch of course, online all the time and doesn't need me but it's more work in terms of shopping, planning, maybe worrying too lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found it easier with young kids to balance work. Now in MS, I find I need more time to be a good mom. Between sports carpools and helping with homework, running errands and play dates. Just being around to talk to them and planning camps/family vacations and stuff, I find it a lot more time intensive mentally. I hired nanny at young ages but now I have no help. They can make breakfast and lunch of course, online all the time and doesn't need me but it's more work in terms of shopping, planning, maybe worrying too lol

Could a nanny do all of what you are doing now theoretically?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.

Your attitude is an example of internalized misogyny and the capitalist devaluation of traditionally womens’ work. Personally I don’t want my kids thinking that work is valuable/meaningful/worthy of respect only if there is a paycheck attached.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.

Your attitude is an example of internalized misogyny and the capitalist devaluation of traditionally womens’ work. Personally I don’t want my kids thinking that work is valuable/meaningful/worthy of respect only if there is a paycheck attached.

Well that’s the point. I don’t want it to be considered “women’s work” I want it to be considered “parent’s work”. And that only happens if both spouses commit to load-balancing. Not if one quits so the other one can become a workaholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.

Your attitude is an example of internalized misogyny and the capitalist devaluation of traditionally womens’ work. Personally I don’t want my kids thinking that work is valuable/meaningful/worthy of respect only if there is a paycheck attached.

Well that’s the point. I don’t want it to be considered “women’s work” I want it to be considered “parent’s work”. And that only happens if both spouses commit to load-balancing. Not if one quits so the other one can become a workaholic.

+1 I couldn’t agree more! Unfortunately though US work culture rewards those families where one quits (the wife) so that the other (DH) can become a workaholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.

Your attitude is an example of internalized misogyny and the capitalist devaluation of traditionally womens’ work. Personally I don’t want my kids thinking that work is valuable/meaningful/worthy of respect only if there is a paycheck attached.

Well that’s the point. I don’t want it to be considered “women’s work” I want it to be considered “parent’s work”. And that only happens if both spouses commit to load-balancing. Not if one quits so the other one can become a workaholic.

Perhaps you don’t even want it to be considered “parent’s work” but rather the housecleaner’s work, or the nanny’s work, or some other (most likely) woman you can pay to keep your family/life functioning smoothly while quietly looking down on at the same time because she has an “easy” or “low skill” job while YOU are out there in the world (where is she?) having super exciting experiences (at your desk) and making (more) money (than her)!!!

Or maybe you DO want it to be parent’s work (you will outsource nothing) so your kids get the message that it’s far more important for BOTH parents to spend all of their waking hours working their asses off, either for pay or at home, with little time, physical, or mental energy left over to just relax and try to enjoy life together with their family, and certainly not to prioritize their kids’ day to day lives! They’re resilient! They’re fine! They LOVE their schedules being booked solid all year!

Or maybe you and your spouse both have jobs that aren’t exhausting or stressful, that don’t require you to spend hours of your life stuck in traffic, and you don’t have to worry about being late to pick up the kids from daycare/aftercare/nanny or what to do for sick days (or teacher workdays or winter vacation or summer break), and your house never gets messy, and the laundry does itself as does the grocery shopping and the cooking! In which case, congratulations, you’ve got it good. (Other than your seeming inability to recognize that other families have different stressors/priorities/values than you and choosing to do things differently doesn’t mean they are “pathetic”)

[Anonymous]

Good for you, I guess, OP, but I feel the complete opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.

Your attitude is an example of internalized misogyny and the capitalist devaluation of traditionally womens’ work. Personally I don’t want my kids thinking that work is valuable/meaningful/worthy of respect only if there is a paycheck attached.

Well that’s the point. I don’t want it to be considered “women’s work” I want it to be considered “parent’s work”. And that only happens if both spouses commit to load-balancing. Not if one quits so the other one can become a workaholic.

Perhaps you don’t even want it to be considered “parent’s work” but rather the housecleaner’s work, or the nanny’s work, or some other (most likely) woman you can pay to keep your family/life functioning smoothly while quietly looking down on at the same time because she has an “easy” or “low skill” job while YOU are out there in the world (where is she?) having super exciting experiences (at your desk) and making (more) money (than her)!!!

Or maybe you DO want it to be parent’s work (you will outsource nothing) so your kids get the message that it’s far more important for BOTH parents to spend all of their waking hours working their asses off, either for pay or at home, with little time, physical, or mental energy left over to just relax and try to enjoy life together with their family, and certainly not to prioritize their kids’ day to day lives! They’re resilient! They’re fine! They LOVE their schedules being booked solid all year!

Or maybe you and your spouse both have jobs that aren’t exhausting or stressful, that don’t require you to spend hours of your life stuck in traffic, and you don’t have to worry about being late to pick up the kids from daycare/aftercare/nanny or what to do for sick days (or teacher workdays or winter vacation or summer break), and your house never gets messy, and the laundry does itself as does the grocery shopping and the cooking! In which case, congratulations, you’ve got it good. (Other than your seeming inability to recognize that other families have different stressors/priorities/values than you and choosing to do things differently doesn’t mean they are “pathetic”)

Well said

[Anonymous]

Idk… SAHM’s get depressed in the summer with kids home.

I think it’s fun and novel for a second but the next thing you know you are doing everything to not be around the kids all day.

You say you are with them more but in reality you have them in camp, your shopping/cleaning/cooking.

You quickly replace “spending all your time” with them not spending the same time as when you worked.

I think breaks from kids and influence other than mom is the healthiest model.

If you don’t want to work just own it and stop trying to justify it using your kids as a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.

Do you know any real people? Most people who work wouldn’t call it exciting experiences, it is a paycheck. Very few people make or female really love their jobs. Also if you think SAHMS just mop and fold laundry then you must not know any. There are many valuable and rewarding ways in which one can use their time.

Like Pilates and lunch duty?

If not, can you explain what is valuable and rewarding?

[Anonymous]

I think the best is for mom to have a high-paying yet-flexible job that allows her to be present with her kids, provide them present and future security, outsource the bulk of the housework, and still have the adult interaction she craves.

Plus either a truly supportive husband who actually splits the remaining housework/parenting, or no husband (or ex-husband) at all.

Everything else is subpar.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is. And the secret here is that high school students need a strong parental presence on the home front so they stay on track and don't spiral out of control emotionally. Modern high school is a slog, lots of ups and downs for them. Even if they are good, solid students. This doesn't mean you're overbearing as the parent, it simply means you are emotionally available and are able to be present in real time. You can give them your 100 percent undivided. I can't tell you how important it is with teens age 14-18. It makes an enormous difference if you can be in the moment instead of writing your next work email in your head while they talk.