It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
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Anonymous
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Not a put down of working moms, I am one myself. Am taking a long period of PTO and am realizing just how much easier it is to be a present, happy and organized mom when I don’t have to balance work with family life.
For one, quality time is important but there is something magical about being there all day, especially with young kids. You get to be there for little moments throughout the day when they surprise you by making interesting observations, doing something unexpected or just saying something funny/sweet. I already spent at least 4 hours with them everyday while working (WFH, before work, lunch and after work) but the interactions that are most fulfilling tend to be in the middle of the day when everyone is the most relaxed and not trying to do anything or get anywhere. It’s also just nicer because I am more present and energized when I’m with them. I go to bed earlier because I’m not staying up later to get some “me” time after they go to bed- I get some of that while they are taking naps/at activities. I wake up at 6am feeling energized instead of tired and am in a better mood. I am more patient with them all day because I am rested. There’s also just more time for the various parent and life admin stuff and everything doesn’t feel like so much of a slog. I’ve had time to deal with insurance claims, meet up with friends that I haven’t seen in a year, organize and rotate their toys which has resulted in them playing in a more engaged way than I’ve ever seen, plan family vacations and even get ahead of the holiday rush. It’s just been so easy and happy for the whole family. It’s made me feel like the downsides of SAH are constantly stressed on this board, but no one really admits how much better it can be for a lot of moms and families in many ways. I’m sure many super moms will say they can do all this and work, but it can be hard to maintain all that energy all day. Everyone only has so much to give. |
Anonymous
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Well, I was forced to quit when I had my first, born with medical needs. It was either me or my husband, and he was further ahead in his career making real money, and I was just starting out, making none. Killed my career right before it started.
But that's the price of taking the best care of my child. Doctors said he might need to go to a special school, and were initially very pessimistic about walking and talking. And 18 years later, here he is, about to move in to his college dorm. It was worth it. |
Anonymous
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You're not worrying about a paycheck/single income.
You haven't been the default parent 24/7 long enough to feel burnt out. You're still in the honeymoon phase. |
Anonymous
This. Temporary PTO is the greatest. Long term not getting paid is a different story. |
Anonymous
| Well yes, of course. Working two jobs (paid job plus mom) is harder than working one job. For sure. |
Anonymous
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I feel this way now that my kids are school aged. But when they were babies and toddlers, hell now. Being home with them all day was my nightmare.
But now they're in school and way more independent, and the idea of staying home is extremely appealing. I'd be able to get them to all their activities, take care of all our chores during the day, have alone time, and really maximize our family time in the evenings and weekends. It's a dream of mine but financially I just don't know if it makes sense. Plus, I'm worried about leaving the workforce for so long. My kids will eventually grow up and I'll feel antsy to work again, I know it. |
Anonymous
This second one is huge. When I went back to work part-time, there was massive relief in just being able to get away from my kids and from household obligations. When you do it for years, it can feel crushing after a while. Sure, it's great when your kids have these charming little moments of connection or when you really get to see them for the person they are at this moment in time -- that's why I stayed home for the years I did. But you also get all their annoying, demanding, flawed behavior, and you get it over and over and over all day every day. And not only are those behaviors irritating at times, they are also your responsibility to address. So if your kid is getting whiny, or never cleans up, or has become a picky eater, not only will you get very tired of dealing with those behaviors, you also will feel the frustration of failure when your kid keeps doing it, because it means that you haven't adequately addressed the behavior or taught them something better. It is sometimes easier to be a "good parent" when someone else is working on those issues with your kids all day, and you get to come home and enjoy the fruits of their labor. |
Anonymous
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And you haven't had the permanent loss of adult interaction, satisfaction, intellectual interest, maybe prestige that comes from work. And your DH hasn't gotten lazy and started treating you like a maid, secretary, and taskrabbit. Believe me, temporary PTO is nothing like the challenges of long term SAHM.
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Anonymous
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Yep. I was so burnt out trying to have an amazing career + be an amazing mom. So I quit my job. My physical and emotional health has never been better. Surprisingly, going from two incomes to one income wasn’t quite the financial hit I thought it would be - we were spending a ton on childcare / outsourcing everything while I was working. Kids have responded really well to me being a SAHM.
That said, while it’s been amazing FOR ME, I think it’s kind of sad that I had to quit my job to feel like I could handle my life. I think if I had a husband who took on more domestic tasks, hands on grandparents who lived nearby, Mary Poppins as my nanny, more flexibility from my kids’ schools, and a society that really embraced mothers not having to do it all, I could’ve have both a career and a happy family. But that’s not my reality, so I’m happy where I am. |
Anonymous
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Glad it worked for you. But I disagree that being a full time SAHP is a 'better' parent.
I am a better parent when I work. I got exhausted as a full time SAHM. And resentful. There's more than one way to be a good parent. |
Anonymous
You’re doing it wrong if this is your experience as a SAHM. |
Anonymous
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Yes, it is much easier and I feel like I can be a better mom and wife.
Eight years ago, I really didn't want to give up my career but my husband politely asked me to stop working. He gave good reasons why he believed it would be the best option for us and I had to admit he was correct. (No family is the same though!) He changed careers to significantly boost our HHI in exchange. It takes a lot of stress off him for me to SAH. I still feel weird about it at times but for our situation it was best. |
Anonymous
Why so so many women believe that other women aren't adults? Raising a child doesnt mean being locked in a basement. |
Anonymous
| This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard. |
Anonymous
Only losers engage in contests about having hard lives. Being able to set up your life to be easy and fun is bragworthy. |