If you’re a two career fam

[Anonymous]

As kids get older you're gonna need to be around. Ages 11+ you gotta drive everywhere and be there. They have to know and be able to have your ear.

I feel like it's impossible to have 2+ kids and not have one parent with flex in their career. I simply think it's BS that whole Lean In crap. Parenting is a demanding job.

When they are young a nanny is fine. I totally disagree now that my 2 are MS aged that you take time off when they are younger. I feel like I need so much more time with them in terms of planning things and school stuff now as they are older.

I chose my kids v career but I'm totally fine with this choice. Personally I think it becomes a choice in one or the other. While I still work, I'm out if management and it's a 40 hr job I have - totally not something demanding.

[Anonymous]

Yeah public school is much less responsibility than private having done both. But I tell you the driving around will kill you when kids are old enough for travel sports abs activities! Even with carpool. And forget about R&R on weekends!

I always say to new parents - first 10 years or so you can have as many Nannies helping you but after that, it's your job.

You have NO idea once MS hits how much time energy money and mental work it is to have kids. And you have to also consider their needs. When they are younger it's hard to know if they may have learning disabilities or any quirks. By age 7/8, that's when you realize what's ahead of you so to all the parents with 5 and 6 year olds, think about this.

[Anonymous]

I would push on the idea that you can’t find an interesting job where you can be home at dinner and take your kids to medical appointments and be at performances. You can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been totally fine with tons of childcare for our kids. We have a child with profound special needs so we have someone every weekday from 2-9, Saturday 9-9 and Sunday 12-9. We are around too a lot of this time, but this gives us flexibility to do stuff with our other child, run errands, get stuff done, etc.

We have never really eaten family meals together because our oldest has such profound needs that it just never worked out that way.

We are totally fine with routine doctor stuff being handled by a nanny including typical sick appointments. But we have regular ped,
developmental ped and neurologist for the SN kid. My hsuband attends her specialist appointments. Our other kid had brain cancer when she was little. We did the once a month all day chemo and the two week blood work when her WBC count was most likely to dip. Nanny did week 1 and week 3 bloodwork. Brain cancer treatment took 2.5 years and included two brain surgeries, a week or so in PICU with meningitis and 16 months of chemo. We split up the quarterly MRIs for several years post chemo. Now, I usually do the once a year neurooncologist. All that to say, once you have two kids with really serious medical stuff, it simply doesn’t seem to matter much about the yearly pediatrician visit or the strep throat test. The nanny can handle that nonsense. We also handle all the IEP meetings together.

We usually have one of us at the kid stuff for school. But honestly, if we have to miss it with have to miss it. We only have one kid with school stuff really since the other one has such profound needs, there is nothing like that happening for her class.

My non-SN kid still wants both of us at bedtime for about 45 minutes every night. We try to trade off so one does the full thing and the other one pops in. That is very special time for us, but I think trading off is fine.

Wow you guys are juggling a lot. Hats off to your family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize this thread is likely going to deteriorate rapidly, im hoping to get a few examples from those living it and hoping those that answer don’t bother coming back to read what will likely spiral into “why did you even have kids” comments

My therapist observed I’ve really narrowly boxed myself into what makes a “good” parent and what makes a “good” professional life basically leaving no viable option to feel good about how I’m doing about both. Logically I agree, but I’m trying to turn that practically into ways I can loosen my rigid parenting definitely

So if you and your spouse both have fairly inflexible jobs, are you comfortable with:
- someone else (nanny / grandparent) - taking your kid to routine doctor and dental appts
- your kid not always having someone at every school performance
- you kid having someone else help them get ready for school or eat dinner with them on a routine basis (not everyday night but not like once a month either)

What are things you feel must be done by a parent (if anything in particular) versus a more flexible generally being there for them and spending enough time with them without rigid rules around what’s ok

I’m not going to read all 7 pages of this thread but here’s what we do (two demanding and inflexible jobs):

* Have an amazing nanny who we treat and pay extremely well.

* Nanny gets little kid dressed, does most dr appointments, drives to all activities, feeds and bathes kids. They don’t have homework yet but she has the older kid practice reading and writing every day.

* I come home just in time to put kids to bed almost every night and get to do the fun stuff with them — read to them and talk about their days. When I have to travel or have a late work call husband does bedtime then.

* We make every performance and school event as a family.

* Weekends are free for family time since we’re not running around to activities.

The downsides are that I have to work late almost every single night because of the time I spend putting them to bed and I also have no time to exercise or socialize with my husband. And my older kid really wants more of my time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I realize this thread is likely going to deteriorate rapidly, im hoping to get a few examples from those living it and hoping those that answer don’t bother coming back to read what will likely spiral into “why did you even have kids” comments

My therapist observed I’ve really narrowly boxed myself into what makes a “good” parent and what makes a “good” professional life basically leaving no viable option to feel good about how I’m doing about both. Logically I agree, but I’m trying to turn that practically into ways I can loosen my rigid parenting definitely

So if you and your spouse both have fairly inflexible jobs, are you comfortable with:
- someone else (nanny / grandparent) - taking your kid to routine doctor and dental appts
- your kid not always having someone at every school performance
- you kid having someone else help them get ready for school or eat dinner with them on a routine basis (not everyday night but not like once a month either)

What are things you feel must be done by a parent (if anything in particular) versus a more flexible generally being there for them and spending enough time with them without rigid rules around what’s ok

I’m not going to read all 7 pages of this thread but here’s what we do (two demanding and inflexible jobs):

* Have an amazing nanny who we treat and pay extremely well.

* Nanny gets little kid dressed, does most dr appointments, drives to all activities, feeds and bathes kids. They don’t have homework yet but she has the older kid practice reading and writing every day.

* I come home just in time to put kids to bed almost every night and get to do the fun stuff with them — read to them and talk about their days. When I have to travel or have a late work call husband does bedtime then.

* We make every performance and school event as a family.

* Weekends are free for family time since we’re not running around to activities.

The downsides are that I have to work late almost every single night because of the time I spend putting them to bed and I also have no time to exercise or socialize with my husband. And my older kid really wants more of my time.

This all sounds horrible. And you must work horrific hours if your nanny is doing the morning routine and you still don't come home until right at bedtime, and then still have work to do. I hope your job is great because you exchanged it for your soul.

[Anonymous]

If you can find a reliable babysitter for travel, I would not worry about that on a quarterly or so basis. If you can make most, but not all, performances, etc I’d say that’s good enough. If you can make family meals (breakfast and/or dinner) all but a couple days a week, I think that’s good enough. But more important than any of that I think is chunks of uninterrupted, focused time to really be with your kids. They need to know you’ve got their back, and will prioritize them, but also can deal with the occasional missed event. I wanted to be there more for my kids and mommy tracked for a period (dealt with a less interesting job but kept my foot in the door) but that was as much for my own sake as theirs. I was able to dial career up again later. It really is hard to do both well but the journey is long and you can shift where your balance falls at different points across their childhood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one on your list I love outsourcing is school events. I go to 3-4 school events per year, the ones my student performs in after hard word. Every random event? That’s for retired grandparents and at-home parents. Truly the one time I went to a book fair it was just grandparents adorably reading and a subset of parents closely defined by attending such activities. Send the grandparents!

My kid just finished K. Throughout this past year she had 6 performances during the day (not first thing in the AM or right before dismissal, which is still middle or the day really). Add to that the Halloween parade and party, holiday party, 100 days of school party, valentines party, Mother’s Day event, field day, water play day, her birthday, “optional” sign up to come in and read to the class, and honestly probably another few random things I’m forgetting - that’s more than a dozen mid day activities that I feel guilty if I miss and my kid feels bad if I miss. It’s just untenable. I don’t go to everything because I can’t and my kid gets that, but it still sucks to have to explain that I can’t come on a random Friday at 11 am for a “unity parade” or volunteer at field day. But at her school (NW DC), most parents have flexible jobs and make it in for nearly all of these things. There’s a handful of us (healthcare workers, feds working at SCIFs, etc) who struggle.

As a parent who has kids who aren’t yet in school, please tell me which school this is so I can avoid it!! This sounds like such a nightmare.

Oh, dear friend, all the schools are like this.

Nope. I posted a few posts above. Our ES is not like this at all. 2 daytime events all year that most parents come to. TWO.

Well, cough it up--- what school is that???? LOL!

Here it is:

At our public ES there are only 2 things per year during the day where most parents come: open house/meet the teacher thing a few days before school begins and “portfolio day” at the end of the year where work from the year is shared with parents. There are 2 parties “fall” (Halloween) and “winter” (Christmas) that only a few volunteer parents attend - other parents send in snacks, plates, whatever. Conferences are once a year and have afternoon and evening slots.

There a couple evening things that are voluntary like Bingo night, book fair night, etc. but they are in the evening. So there are two times a year you need to show up at school during the day, that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one on your list I love outsourcing is school events. I go to 3-4 school events per year, the ones my student performs in after hard word. Every random event? That’s for retired grandparents and at-home parents. Truly the one time I went to a book fair it was just grandparents adorably reading and a subset of parents closely defined by attending such activities. Send the grandparents!

My kid just finished K. Throughout this past year she had 6 performances during the day (not first thing in the AM or right before dismissal, which is still middle or the day really). Add to that the Halloween parade and party, holiday party, 100 days of school party, valentines party, Mother’s Day event, field day, water play day, her birthday, “optional” sign up to come in and read to the class, and honestly probably another few random things I’m forgetting - that’s more than a dozen mid day activities that I feel guilty if I miss and my kid feels bad if I miss. It’s just untenable. I don’t go to everything because I can’t and my kid gets that, but it still sucks to have to explain that I can’t come on a random Friday at 11 am for a “unity parade” or volunteer at field day. But at her school (NW DC), most parents have flexible jobs and make it in for nearly all of these things. There’s a handful of us (healthcare workers, feds working at SCIFs, etc) who struggle.

As a parent who has kids who aren’t yet in school, please tell me which school this is so I can avoid it!! This sounds like such a nightmare.

Oh, dear friend, all the schools are like this.

Nope. I posted a few posts above. Our ES is not like this at all. 2 daytime events all year that most parents come to. TWO.

Here it is:

At our public ES there are only 2 things per year during the day where most parents come: open house/meet the teacher thing a few days before school begins and “portfolio day” at the end of the year where work from the year is shared with parents. There are 2 parties “fall” (Halloween) and “winter” (Christmas) that only a few volunteer parents attend - other parents send in snacks, plates, whatever. Conferences are once a year and have afternoon and evening slots.

There a couple evening things that are voluntary like Bingo night, book fair night, etc. but they are in the evening. So there are two times a year you need to show up at school during the day, that’s it.

Well-- cough it up! What school is that??? LOL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If both jobs are that inflexible, then someone needs a more flexible job. If you have the time to get to your therapy appointments, why can't you get to your kid's appointments and performances?

Exactly right. We both have very flexible jobs and still are stretched thin. My parents both had jobs and made it work with one having a very flexible job.

Nanny is a great option - we missed the boat during early Covid days and were never able to get it together to find one.

[Anonymous]

Who makes more or has more earning potential and wants to work?

[Anonymous]

My philosophy has always been that I could find different work but I chose to have kids and therefore that isn’t where I compromise. I have flexibility and I make good money (not dcum good, but I’ll hit six figures next year) I find my work rewarding and parenting rewarding. Neither is easy and there are definitely places that one rubs against the other but the kids win every time.

I would work on flexibility in what makes a rewarding job versus most of the parenting things you mention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would push on the idea that you can’t find an interesting job where you can be home at dinner and take your kids to medical appointments and be at performances. You can.

So are you keeping it a secret? Where is this magical place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I realize this thread is likely going to deteriorate rapidly, im hoping to get a few examples from those living it and hoping those that answer don’t bother coming back to read what will likely spiral into “why did you even have kids” comments

My therapist observed I’ve really narrowly boxed myself into what makes a “good” parent and what makes a “good” professional life basically leaving no viable option to feel good about how I’m doing about both. Logically I agree, but I’m trying to turn that practically into ways I can loosen my rigid parenting definitely

So if you and your spouse both have fairly inflexible jobs, are you comfortable with:
- someone else (nanny / grandparent) - taking your kid to routine doctor and dental appts
- your kid not always having someone at every school performance
- you kid having someone else help them get ready for school or eat dinner with them on a routine basis (not everyday night but not like once a month either)

What are things you feel must be done by a parent (if anything in particular) versus a more flexible generally being there for them and spending enough time with them without rigid rules around what’s ok

I’m not going to read all 7 pages of this thread but here’s what we do (two demanding and inflexible jobs):

* Have an amazing nanny who we treat and pay extremely well.

* Nanny gets little kid dressed, does most dr appointments, drives to all activities, feeds and bathes kids. They don’t have homework yet but she has the older kid practice reading and writing every day.

* I come home just in time to put kids to bed almost every night and get to do the fun stuff with them — read to them and talk about their days. When I have to travel or have a late work call husband does bedtime then.

* We make every performance and school event as a family.

* Weekends are free for family time since we’re not running around to activities.

The downsides are that I have to work late almost every single night because of the time I spend putting them to bed and I also have no time to exercise or socialize with my husband. And my older kid really wants more of my time.

So your nanny works 11-12 hours a day, 5 days a week? I didn’t know nannies would do that regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My philosophy has always been that I could find different work but I chose to have kids and therefore that isn’t where I compromise. I have flexibility and I make good money (not dcum good, but I’ll hit six figures next year) I find my work rewarding and parenting rewarding. Neither is easy and there are definitely places that one rubs against the other but the kids win every time.

I would work on flexibility in what makes a rewarding job versus most of the parenting things you mention.

THANK YOU for saying the quiet part out loud. Stop treating kids like they are optional when they already exist. You had them, they are priority.