If you’re a two career fam

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To explain a bit more - DHs job is inflexible (or at least he treats it that way and that’s not something I can change short term bc his standard is that all of this could be done by a nanny. His view is our most important thing is securing their financial future which is frustrating but he grew up in an unstable war zone where his family lost everything so there’s a lot going on there ).

So that means I need to cover all the things I put these rules on and I start doing the math and think ok at a minimum 10 doctor / dentist appts a year, and 6 school performances for my one kid in school, and being home by x time every night and never traveling so that the kids always wakes up to a parent (dh travels a lot) etc etc etc and basically box myself out of any interesting job because I’m telling myself I must do alllllll the things on the family front.

So for those that don’t feel that rigid rule, im curious what they prioritize. And for those that say all of this must be a parent, cool I’m that person currently too

How on earth do you get to 10 doctor and dentist appointments per year? Our two kids get their annual checkups at a single appointment with their flu shot. Plus two teeth cleanings, also at the same time. That's three appointments, and we try to book for 8 AM so we're at work shortly after. Our au pair will handle kid transport to and from so we can go back to work immediately. We haven't had a sick appointment in a couple of years, but that's mostly luck.

3 kids - so 6 dental appointments total (could hopefully stack them into one visit seeing all 3 later…don’t currently bc don’t want to entertain 1 and 3yo for 2 other kid appts), annual doctor visit for the older two and 2x doctor visit for the baby. Only oldest is in school and school has 6 performances a year (whyyyyy) so that number will grow. I also have IBD which is 4x doc visits a year for me and 2x dental. And all that’s assuming no one ever needs a sick visit

Your 1 and 3 yo go to the dentist for check ups twice a year? I think this is an exaggeration. For routine appointments, you should be able to schedule them early or late in the day so they don't interfere with work, or on holidays as others have suggested.

What?

Twice a year is standard.

DP here. I have 3 kids. I diligently take my kids to their routine 2 appointments per year. Usually when we go, one of my kids has a cavity so we have to come back. Then we also go to the orthodontist. I also don’t always get the routine appointments at the same time. Without exaggeration, I have had to take my kids to the dentist/orthodontist 20x last year. My one kid had to get a tooth pulled because his teeth were growing in. He needed some special head gear before actually getting braces.

I have also been to the dermatologist 4x, regular ped 3x for routine appointments and we are behind in seeing a specialist for 2 of my kids. It is a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no one way to be a good parent. Some moms are home with their kids but sit and look at the phones while their kids play too many hours a day. Find what works for your family...your kid will adjust.

+1

Go to the playground, and you will see this most of the time, sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one on your list I love outsourcing is school events. I go to 3-4 school events per year, the ones my student performs in after hard word. Every random event? That’s for retired grandparents and at-home parents. Truly the one time I went to a book fair it was just grandparents adorably reading and a subset of parents closely defined by attending such activities. Send the grandparents!

My kid just finished K. Throughout this past year she had 6 performances during the day (not first thing in the AM or right before dismissal, which is still middle or the day really). Add to that the Halloween parade and party, holiday party, 100 days of school party, valentines party, Mother’s Day event, field day, water play day, her birthday, “optional” sign up to come in and read to the class, and honestly probably another few random things I’m forgetting - that’s more than a dozen mid day activities that I feel guilty if I miss and my kid feels bad if I miss. It’s just untenable. I don’t go to everything because I can’t and my kid gets that, but it still sucks to have to explain that I can’t come on a random Friday at 11 am for a “unity parade” or volunteer at field day. But at her school (NW DC), most parents have flexible jobs and make it in for nearly all of these things. There’s a handful of us (healthcare workers, feds working at SCIFs, etc) who struggle.

As a parent who has kids who aren’t yet in school, please tell me which school this is so I can avoid it!! This sounds like such a nightmare.

Oh, dear friend, all the schools are like this.

Nope. I posted a few posts above. Our ES is not like this at all. 2 daytime events all year that most parents come to. TWO.

Here it is:

At our public ES there are only 2 things per year during the day where most parents come: open house/meet the teacher thing a few days before school begins and “portfolio day” at the end of the year where work from the year is shared with parents. There are 2 parties “fall” (Halloween) and “winter” (Christmas) that only a few volunteer parents attend - other parents send in snacks, plates, whatever. Conferences are once a year and have afternoon and evening slots.

There a couple evening things that are voluntary like Bingo night, book fair night, etc. but they are in the evening. So there are two times a year you need to show up at school during the day, that’s it.

Well-- cough it up! What school is that??? LOL!

Our school has Halloween, thanksgiving, holiday, valentines, garden day, poetry reading, Mother’s Day, field day, end of school party and more. This is public school.

[Anonymous]

We both work and so did my parents.


Daily dinners together as a family are important to me, vacations together, weekend activities together.

It’s also in my opinion important to keep tabs on the child - doctor’s appointments, do they need new clothes, do they need a haircut, how are they doing at school, do they need supplementation or tutoring, are they ok emotionally, what are they doing with their spare time, are they talking to strangers online, who are their friends. Basically, it’s being tuned in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh I wish I knew you IRL because SAME and we could totally spend a whole night chatting about this kinda thing over drinks.

Personally -
--I prioritize one of us taking kids to the doctor/dentist BUT this feels like something that could be outsourced if it works better for your family. Especially dentist, routine cleanings are very... routine. Annual doctor visit is something I'd try to have a parent attend, but if it's more than annual for some reason, sounds fine to have someone else do it.
--ABSOLUTELY do not let yourself get into having someone at every single school thing. You've got to prioritize here. I think what's hard is that when we were kids, this was like... 3 things a year. The annual play and two school concerts, the end. So it was easy for them to be must attends. Now it's like 98027349775 things, many of which are during work hours. No. Prioritize. 2-3 things per kid, outside of work hours, that are really important and both parents should attend (hint: if it's during standard work hours, it's optional for sure). 2-4 other evening things per kid, max, that one parent attends. Max one daytime activity per parent per kid per year. These are MAXIMUMS.
--I'd be fine with someone else doing the morning or evening routine. Maybe 2-4 times a week, total between the two? I'd prioritize being with my kids for dinner over getting ready in the morning.

I think where the flexibility comes in is thinking about the some total. If you rarely go to school events, someone else gets your kid dressed in the morning five days a week, someone else does school pickup and dinner and bedtime three days a week, a babysitter comes for a chunk of every Saturday, and you've never met your kid's dentist, that's a problem.

So try and move away from what's "OK" (based on what? DCUM? Please.) and towards - what you're doing now obviously isn't working. So, what's the lowest impact thing you're doing now that you could drop?

Other wider advice:
1) Lower your standards. Sheets can be washed less, house can be cleaned less, kids can do less extracurriculars, you can shower less, you can take fewer vacations. Less is more.
2) Your happiness and wellbeing is critically important, just because you, too are a human who matters, but also because if mom is miserable and in poor mental/physical health, that impacts the whole family. It's NOT selfish to focus on your needs, it's critical.
3) Both you and your spouse have inflexible jobs? Then you BOTH have to take on these burdens. Make sure you're both contributing equally. If you're not, that's the first thing I'd change. Yes, maybe having the nanny take the kid to his annual checkup is less than ideal, but you know what is ideal? Dad taking him. Just as ideal as mom.
4) Judge yourself on dad standards. Seriously. Would society call you a GREAT dad? Then you're killing it.
5) Make sure you've giving this same once over to your job. Yeah, if you're an ER doctor, your job is inflexible, no two ways about it. But lots of people are out there putting their grocery order in while listening in to calls. Be one of those people.
6) If it still isn't right, your or your husband might want to consider decreasing your hours or changing jobs. Not because you CAN'T make it work (as long as you're both working less than 45 hours or so, it's doable) but because you might not want to live like you're living. That's okay, too.
7) Get him the snip. Surprise change of life babies are a thing.

This is really well said and how my DH and I think too. I think one of the hardest things is how many daytime events there are at school now. You're right - when I was a kid it was a rarity. Now parents are CONSTANTLY invited to things (halloween party! unity assembly! field day!) that aren't even scheduled for first or last thing. DH and I don't have flexible or work from home jobs, so we generally can't make those things. My kid gets it but its definitely a bummer to her. I wish the school would stop acting like parents all have wfh jobs or that each family has a stay at home parent. I've had teachers/staff express shock that I don't work from home - which is odd since neither do they.

But many families do have a SAH or WAHP and we want to go to these events during the school day. Should DH and I not be able to volunteer at field day, chaperone field trips, attend class parties, coffee chats with the principal, etc. because some other parents chose inflexible jobs?

DH and I have chosen to stay in lower-earning non-managerial positions because we prioritized flexibility over earnings. We have 3 kids and are at their schools a lot for events and are involved in coaching their after school sports. These are the trade offs we as parents make, and I’m ok with not having a nanny to handle things for me and not having the same disposable income as other families who chose to work longer hours. Parents need to own their choices including the downsides that come with them.

I don’t think schools should be guilting parents or acting surprised not everyone has a WAHP. But I think it’s nice that parents who can attend are invited to this stuff and hope that continues.

[Anonymous]

- someone else (nanny / grandparent) - taking your kid to routine doctor and dental appts

Once my mom took my daughter to a Dr appt (yearly check up) and they dialed me in on the phone. I still love the dr for that (we still see him)

- your kid not always having someone at every school performance

Ideally I would like them to have one family member present if possible - be it me, DH or grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I realize this thread is likely going to deteriorate rapidly, im hoping to get a few examples from those living it and hoping those that answer don’t bother coming back to read what will likely spiral into “why did you even have kids” comments

My therapist observed I’ve really narrowly boxed myself into what makes a “good” parent and what makes a “good” professional life basically leaving no viable option to feel good about how I’m doing about both. Logically I agree, but I’m trying to turn that practically into ways I can loosen my rigid parenting definitely

So if you and your spouse both have fairly inflexible jobs, are you comfortable with:
- someone else (nanny / grandparent) - taking your kid to routine doctor and dental appts
- your kid not always having someone at every school performance
- you kid having someone else help them get ready for school or eat dinner with them on a routine basis (not everyday night but not like once a month either)

What are things you feel must be done by a parent (if anything in particular) versus a more flexible generally being there for them and spending enough time with them without rigid rules around what’s ok

I’m not going to read all 7 pages of this thread but here’s what we do (two demanding and inflexible jobs):

* Have an amazing nanny who we treat and pay extremely well.

* Nanny gets little kid dressed, does most dr appointments, drives to all activities, feeds and bathes kids. They don’t have homework yet but she has the older kid practice reading and writing every day.

* I come home just in time to put kids to bed almost every night and get to do the fun stuff with them — read to them and talk about their days. When I have to travel or have a late work call husband does bedtime then.

* We make every performance and school event as a family.

* Weekends are free for family time since we’re not running around to activities.

The downsides are that I have to work late almost every single night because of the time I spend putting them to bed and I also have no time to exercise or socialize with my husband. And my older kid really wants more of my time.

So your nanny works 11-12 hours a day, 5 days a week? I didn’t know nannies would do that regularly.

I’m the previous poster this was in response to. Our nanny works 8:30 - 6:30 Mon - Fri. We never ask her to stay late unexpectedly. We don’t ask her to clean up after us or do other non-child related household tasks. We pay her a high hourly rate for this area and pay her legal time and a half overtime. We treat her well and appreciate her. She is very happy. She’s loving and a skilled and patient teacher. Better than we would be if we were carting the kids around all day.

To the person who said I gave away my soul, I would say I work very hard to give my kids an idyllic life where they have all the comforts of a 2 income household but also have involved and present parents. I also derive a lot of personal satisfaction from my work because I’m really good at it and the work I do helps a lot of people.

But there’s no perfect life. The downside of mine is that I have to work late every night after I put the kids to bed. I have to travel sometimes (not often). And I don’t have time right now to exercise and not much time for my husband and I don’t have hobbies. I think most working moms of small kids don’t have time to exercise or have hobbies or spend quality time with husband so don’t think I’m alone there. I am hopeful those things will come back when the kids are older.

I’m just chiming in to this thread because I think I’ve figured out one way to do this that works with young kids at least and I hope it helps the OP. A great nanny is key to the equation and paying her well and treating her well is essential and it’s a rare job that affords that luxury. The alternative I think would be to take a flexible job and honestly that’s my plan when my kids are older.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have demanding jobs but in different ways. He goes into the office during the week but travels only domestically for one night at a time (some times doesn't even stay the night). For me, I work from home but have to travel internationally when needed. I'm typically gone for a week at a time since I go to Africa, Asia or Europe.

For the things you listed, my husband and I like to have at least one parent there at doctor appointments, recitals, etc. We've sacrificed things in our career to make that possible but that was a choice we made. We do plenty of things that make us "bad parents" in other respects -- screen time, meals in front of the TV when we have to work, etc. I've learned that with parenting, outside of abuse, there is really so much gray. We're all trying to do our best and that's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh I wish I knew you IRL because SAME and we could totally spend a whole night chatting about this kinda thing over drinks.

Personally -
--I prioritize one of us taking kids to the doctor/dentist BUT this feels like something that could be outsourced if it works better for your family. Especially dentist, routine cleanings are very... routine. Annual doctor visit is something I'd try to have a parent attend, but if it's more than annual for some reason, sounds fine to have someone else do it.
--ABSOLUTELY do not let yourself get into having someone at every single school thing. You've got to prioritize here. I think what's hard is that when we were kids, this was like... 3 things a year. The annual play and two school concerts, the end. So it was easy for them to be must attends. Now it's like 98027349775 things, many of which are during work hours. No. Prioritize. 2-3 things per kid, outside of work hours, that are really important and both parents should attend (hint: if it's during standard work hours, it's optional for sure). 2-4 other evening things per kid, max, that one parent attends. Max one daytime activity per parent per kid per year. These are MAXIMUMS.
--I'd be fine with someone else doing the morning or evening routine. Maybe 2-4 times a week, total between the two? I'd prioritize being with my kids for dinner over getting ready in the morning.

I think where the flexibility comes in is thinking about the some total. If you rarely go to school events, someone else gets your kid dressed in the morning five days a week, someone else does school pickup and dinner and bedtime three days a week, a babysitter comes for a chunk of every Saturday, and you've never met your kid's dentist, that's a problem.

So try and move away from what's "OK" (based on what? DCUM? Please.) and towards - what you're doing now obviously isn't working. So, what's the lowest impact thing you're doing now that you could drop?

Other wider advice:
1) Lower your standards. Sheets can be washed less, house can be cleaned less, kids can do less extracurriculars, you can shower less, you can take fewer vacations. Less is more.
2) Your happiness and wellbeing is critically important, just because you, too are a human who matters, but also because if mom is miserable and in poor mental/physical health, that impacts the whole family. It's NOT selfish to focus on your needs, it's critical.
3) Both you and your spouse have inflexible jobs? Then you BOTH have to take on these burdens. Make sure you're both contributing equally. If you're not, that's the first thing I'd change. Yes, maybe having the nanny take the kid to his annual checkup is less than ideal, but you know what is ideal? Dad taking him. Just as ideal as mom.
4) Judge yourself on dad standards. Seriously. Would society call you a GREAT dad? Then you're killing it.
5) Make sure you've giving this same once over to your job. Yeah, if you're an ER doctor, your job is inflexible, no two ways about it. But lots of people are out there putting their grocery order in while listening in to calls. Be one of those people.
6) If it still isn't right, your or your husband might want to consider decreasing your hours or changing jobs. Not because you CAN'T make it work (as long as you're both working less than 45 hours or so, it's doable) but because you might not want to live like you're living. That's okay, too.
7) Get him the snip. Surprise change of life babies are a thing.

This is really well said and how my DH and I think too. I think one of the hardest things is how many daytime events there are at school now. You're right - when I was a kid it was a rarity. Now parents are CONSTANTLY invited to things (halloween party! unity assembly! field day!) that aren't even scheduled for first or last thing. DH and I don't have flexible or work from home jobs, so we generally can't make those things. My kid gets it but its definitely a bummer to her. I wish the school would stop acting like parents all have wfh jobs or that each family has a stay at home parent. I've had teachers/staff express shock that I don't work from home - which is odd since neither do they.

But many families do have a SAH or WAHP and we want to go to these events during the school day. Should DH and I not be able to volunteer at field day, chaperone field trips, attend class parties, coffee chats with the principal, etc. because some other parents chose inflexible jobs?

DH and I have chosen to stay in lower-earning non-managerial positions because we prioritized flexibility over earnings. We have 3 kids and are at their schools a lot for events and are involved in coaching their after school sports. These are the trade offs we as parents make, and I’m ok with not having a nanny to handle things for me and not having the same disposable income as other families who chose to work longer hours. Parents need to own their choices including the downsides that come with them.

I don’t think schools should be guilting parents or acting surprised not everyone has a WAHP. But I think it’s nice that parents who can attend are invited to this stuff and hope that continues.

+1 totally agree

We both work FT but have some WFH and flexibility and do like participating in these events when we can!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh I wish I knew you IRL because SAME and we could totally spend a whole night chatting about this kinda thing over drinks.

Personally -
--I prioritize one of us taking kids to the doctor/dentist BUT this feels like something that could be outsourced if it works better for your family. Especially dentist, routine cleanings are very... routine. Annual doctor visit is something I'd try to have a parent attend, but if it's more than annual for some reason, sounds fine to have someone else do it.
--ABSOLUTELY do not let yourself get into having someone at every single school thing. You've got to prioritize here. I think what's hard is that when we were kids, this was like... 3 things a year. The annual play and two school concerts, the end. So it was easy for them to be must attends. Now it's like 98027349775 things, many of which are during work hours. No. Prioritize. 2-3 things per kid, outside of work hours, that are really important and both parents should attend (hint: if it's during standard work hours, it's optional for sure). 2-4 other evening things per kid, max, that one parent attends. Max one daytime activity per parent per kid per year. These are MAXIMUMS.
--I'd be fine with someone else doing the morning or evening routine. Maybe 2-4 times a week, total between the two? I'd prioritize being with my kids for dinner over getting ready in the morning.

I think where the flexibility comes in is thinking about the some total. If you rarely go to school events, someone else gets your kid dressed in the morning five days a week, someone else does school pickup and dinner and bedtime three days a week, a babysitter comes for a chunk of every Saturday, and you've never met your kid's dentist, that's a problem.

So try and move away from what's "OK" (based on what? DCUM? Please.) and towards - what you're doing now obviously isn't working. So, what's the lowest impact thing you're doing now that you could drop?

Other wider advice:
1) Lower your standards. Sheets can be washed less, house can be cleaned less, kids can do less extracurriculars, you can shower less, you can take fewer vacations. Less is more.
2) Your happiness and wellbeing is critically important, just because you, too are a human who matters, but also because if mom is miserable and in poor mental/physical health, that impacts the whole family. It's NOT selfish to focus on your needs, it's critical.
3) Both you and your spouse have inflexible jobs? Then you BOTH have to take on these burdens. Make sure you're both contributing equally. If you're not, that's the first thing I'd change. Yes, maybe having the nanny take the kid to his annual checkup is less than ideal, but you know what is ideal? Dad taking him. Just as ideal as mom.
4) Judge yourself on dad standards. Seriously. Would society call you a GREAT dad? Then you're killing it.
5) Make sure you've giving this same once over to your job. Yeah, if you're an ER doctor, your job is inflexible, no two ways about it. But lots of people are out there putting their grocery order in while listening in to calls. Be one of those people.
6) If it still isn't right, your or your husband might want to consider decreasing your hours or changing jobs. Not because you CAN'T make it work (as long as you're both working less than 45 hours or so, it's doable) but because you might not want to live like you're living. That's okay, too.
7) Get him the snip. Surprise change of life babies are a thing.

This is really well said and how my DH and I think too. I think one of the hardest things is how many daytime events there are at school now. You're right - when I was a kid it was a rarity. Now parents are CONSTANTLY invited to things (halloween party! unity assembly! field day!) that aren't even scheduled for first or last thing. DH and I don't have flexible or work from home jobs, so we generally can't make those things. My kid gets it but its definitely a bummer to her. I wish the school would stop acting like parents all have wfh jobs or that each family has a stay at home parent. I've had teachers/staff express shock that I don't work from home - which is odd since neither do they.

But many families do have a SAH or WAHP and we want to go to these events during the school day. Should DH and I not be able to volunteer at field day, chaperone field trips, attend class parties, coffee chats with the principal, etc. because some other parents chose inflexible jobs?

DH and I have chosen to stay in lower-earning non-managerial positions because we prioritized flexibility over earnings. We have 3 kids and are at their schools a lot for events and are involved in coaching their after school sports. These are the trade offs we as parents make, and I’m ok with not having a nanny to handle things for me and not having the same disposable income as other families who chose to work longer hours. Parents need to own their choices including the downsides that come with them.

I don’t think schools should be guilting parents or acting surprised not everyone has a WAHP. But I think it’s nice that parents who can attend are invited to this stuff and hope that continues.

+1 totally agree

We both work FT but have some WFH and flexibility and do like participating in these events when we can!

+1 from the other side.

I don't go to these things, and that's okay. I think my mom (who worked) really helped with this. I would say "you should come to field day, Jenna's mom is coming" and she would say (matter of factly) "that's for moms who don't work."

I say the same thing to my kids now. I'm rarely at middle of the day things, but if other parents want to be there, I support that.

I would say that high priority things (concerts, etc) where the expectation at the school/community level is that parents should be there, should always be scheduled for evenings. And I say this as someone whose mother never came to back to school night because it was always on Tuesdays and that was her late night of work. My dad was always there, and mom was at everything else important. She was/is awesome.

[Anonymous]

Why are you willing to be flexible with your parenting but not your work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you willing to be flexible with your parenting but not your work?

NP, but probably because work pays for food and housing that keep the kid(s) safe and healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh I wish I knew you IRL because SAME and we could totally spend a whole night chatting about this kinda thing over drinks.

Personally -
--I prioritize one of us taking kids to the doctor/dentist BUT this feels like something that could be outsourced if it works better for your family. Especially dentist, routine cleanings are very... routine. Annual doctor visit is something I'd try to have a parent attend, but if it's more than annual for some reason, sounds fine to have someone else do it.
--ABSOLUTELY do not let yourself get into having someone at every single school thing. You've got to prioritize here. I think what's hard is that when we were kids, this was like... 3 things a year. The annual play and two school concerts, the end. So it was easy for them to be must attends. Now it's like 98027349775 things, many of which are during work hours. No. Prioritize. 2-3 things per kid, outside of work hours, that are really important and both parents should attend (hint: if it's during standard work hours, it's optional for sure). 2-4 other evening things per kid, max, that one parent attends. Max one daytime activity per parent per kid per year. These are MAXIMUMS.
--I'd be fine with someone else doing the morning or evening routine. Maybe 2-4 times a week, total between the two? I'd prioritize being with my kids for dinner over getting ready in the morning.

I think where the flexibility comes in is thinking about the some total. If you rarely go to school events, someone else gets your kid dressed in the morning five days a week, someone else does school pickup and dinner and bedtime three days a week, a babysitter comes for a chunk of every Saturday, and you've never met your kid's dentist, that's a problem.

So try and move away from what's "OK" (based on what? DCUM? Please.) and towards - what you're doing now obviously isn't working. So, what's the lowest impact thing you're doing now that you could drop?

Other wider advice:
1) Lower your standards. Sheets can be washed less, house can be cleaned less, kids can do less extracurriculars, you can shower less, you can take fewer vacations. Less is more.
2) Your happiness and wellbeing is critically important, just because you, too are a human who matters, but also because if mom is miserable and in poor mental/physical health, that impacts the whole family. It's NOT selfish to focus on your needs, it's critical.
3) Both you and your spouse have inflexible jobs? Then you BOTH have to take on these burdens. Make sure you're both contributing equally. If you're not, that's the first thing I'd change. Yes, maybe having the nanny take the kid to his annual checkup is less than ideal, but you know what is ideal? Dad taking him. Just as ideal as mom.
4) Judge yourself on dad standards. Seriously. Would society call you a GREAT dad? Then you're killing it.
5) Make sure you've giving this same once over to your job. Yeah, if you're an ER doctor, your job is inflexible, no two ways about it. But lots of people are out there putting their grocery order in while listening in to calls. Be one of those people.
6) If it still isn't right, your or your husband might want to consider decreasing your hours or changing jobs. Not because you CAN'T make it work (as long as you're both working less than 45 hours or so, it's doable) but because you might not want to live like you're living. That's okay, too.
7) Get him the snip. Surprise change of life babies are a thing.

This is really well said and how my DH and I think too. I think one of the hardest things is how many daytime events there are at school now. You're right - when I was a kid it was a rarity. Now parents are CONSTANTLY invited to things (halloween party! unity assembly! field day!) that aren't even scheduled for first or last thing. DH and I don't have flexible or work from home jobs, so we generally can't make those things. My kid gets it but its definitely a bummer to her. I wish the school would stop acting like parents all have wfh jobs or that each family has a stay at home parent. I've had teachers/staff express shock that I don't work from home - which is odd since neither do they.

But many families do have a SAH or WAHP and we want to go to these events during the school day. Should DH and I not be able to volunteer at field day, chaperone field trips, attend class parties, coffee chats with the principal, etc. because some other parents chose inflexible jobs?

DH and I have chosen to stay in lower-earning non-managerial positions because we prioritized flexibility over earnings. We have 3 kids and are at their schools a lot for events and are involved in coaching their after school sports. These are the trade offs we as parents make, and I’m ok with not having a nanny to handle things for me and not having the same disposable income as other families who chose to work longer hours. Parents need to own their choices including the downsides that come with them.

I don’t think schools should be guilting parents or acting surprised not everyone has a WAHP. But I think it’s nice that parents who can attend are invited to this stuff and hope that continues.

+1 totally agree

We both work FT but have some WFH and flexibility and do like participating in these events when we can!

+1 from the other side.

I don't go to these things, and that's okay. I think my mom (who worked) really helped with this. I would say "you should come to field day, Jenna's mom is coming" and she would say (matter of factly) "that's for moms who don't work."

I say the same thing to my kids now. I'm rarely at middle of the day things, but if other parents want to be there, I support that.

I would say that high priority things (concerts, etc) where the expectation at the school/community level is that parents should be there, should always be scheduled for evenings. And I say this as someone whose mother never came to back to school night because it was always on Tuesdays and that was her late night of work. My dad was always there, and mom was at everything else important. She was/is awesome.

+1

[Anonymous]

I work in a high powered field and I’ve noticed that our execs tend to have terrible relationships with their teens and/or their teens have a lot of problems. So I definitely have traded off some career advancement to be at exactly the type of everyday things you mention. In my mind the ideal job isn’t the highest paying, it is the one where I can be there for my kids while making the best living without sacrificing that goal. But I think it’s different for everyone where the line is. My point is I am rejecting the idea that I just need to strive for upward advancement for the sake of it. The cost may be too high.

[Anonymous]

There are really no even somewhat flexible options in your field? There is so much between SAHP and utterly inflexible job where you can't ever step away or make it home by bedtime.