If you’re a two career fam

[Anonymous]

I realize this thread is likely going to deteriorate rapidly, im hoping to get a few examples from those living it and hoping those that answer don’t bother coming back to read what will likely spiral into “why did you even have kids” comments

My therapist observed I’ve really narrowly boxed myself into what makes a “good” parent and what makes a “good” professional life basically leaving no viable option to feel good about how I’m doing about both. Logically I agree, but I’m trying to turn that practically into ways I can loosen my rigid parenting definitely

So if you and your spouse both have fairly inflexible jobs, are you comfortable with:
- someone else (nanny / grandparent) - taking your kid to routine doctor and dental appts
- your kid not always having someone at every school performance
- you kid having someone else help them get ready for school or eat dinner with them on a routine basis (not everyday night but not like once a month either)

What are things you feel must be done by a parent (if anything in particular) versus a more flexible generally being there for them and spending enough time with them without rigid rules around what’s ok

[Anonymous]

If both jobs are that inflexible, then someone needs a more flexible job. If you have the time to get to your therapy appointments, why can't you get to your kid's appointments and performances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If both jobs are that inflexible, then someone needs a more flexible job. If you have the time to get to your therapy appointments, why can't you get to your kid's appointments and performances?

+100

[Anonymous]

I think you need a very dedicated highly trained and paid professional nanny (like royal family style) or you need a very dedicated grandparent or two. The kids need love and stability even if it’s not from a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If both jobs are that inflexible, then someone needs a more flexible job. If you have the time to get to your therapy appointments, why can't you get to your kid's appointments and performances?

Well I can make my therapy appts bc I didn’t go back from my last maternity leave. So I make it to all the things now and am trying to figure out how to fit meaningful (to me) work back in within parenting and how people who are making it work are doing it without the inflexible standards I currently have

[Anonymous]

There is no one way to be a good parent. Some moms are home with their kids but sit and look at the phones while their kids play too many hours a day. Find what works for your family...your kid will adjust.

[Anonymous]

I think it would help to understand what the jobs are in question here. How inflexible are we talking?

Is it something like two military officers?

[Anonymous]

To explain a bit more - DHs job is inflexible (or at least he treats it that way and that’s not something I can change short term bc his standard is that all of this could be done by a nanny. His view is our most important thing is securing their financial future which is frustrating but he grew up in an unstable war zone where his family lost everything so there’s a lot going on there ).

So that means I need to cover all the things I put these rules on and I start doing the math and think ok at a minimum 10 doctor / dentist appts a year, and 6 school performances for my one kid in school, and being home by x time every night and never traveling so that the kids always wakes up to a parent (dh travels a lot) etc etc etc and basically box myself out of any interesting job because I’m telling myself I must do alllllll the things on the family front.

So for those that don’t feel that rigid rule, im curious what they prioritize. And for those that say all of this must be a parent, cool I’m that person currently too

[Anonymous]

We're comfortable with everything except this:

- your kid not always having someone at every school performance

We always go to the school stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize this thread is likely going to deteriorate rapidly, im hoping to get a few examples from those living it and hoping those that answer don’t bother coming back to read what will likely spiral into “why did you even have kids” comments

My therapist observed I’ve really narrowly boxed myself into what makes a “good” parent and what makes a “good” professional life basically leaving no viable option to feel good about how I’m doing about both. Logically I agree, but I’m trying to turn that practically into ways I can loosen my rigid parenting definitely

So if you and your spouse both have fairly inflexible jobs, are you comfortable with:
- someone else (nanny / grandparent) - taking your kid to routine doctor and dental appts
- your kid not always having someone at every school performance
- you kid having someone else help them get ready for school or eat dinner with them on a routine basis (not everyday night but not like once a month either)

What are things you feel must be done by a parent (if anything in particular) versus a more flexible generally being there for them and spending enough time with them without rigid rules around what’s ok

We are not OK with any of these so DH and I both made career moves accordingly. We don't make as much money as we could, but we are largely happy and fulfilled in both our careers and at home. Sorry if that's not the answer you're looking for, but I just don't think there's a feasible way for both parents to have rigid, inflexible jobs unless you are OK with someone else taking on the appointments and performances as you suggested. Plenty of parents in the dual inflexible situation feel totally fine with their nanny handling all of that which is totally fine, but if you don't feel that way, you have to make adjustments accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no one way to be a good parent. Some moms are home with their kids but sit and look at the phones while their kids play too many hours a day. Find what works for your family...your kid will adjust.

Op here - Totally agree - I just want to hear what works for other families to push my current black and white thinking

[Anonymous]

So if you and your spouse both have fairly inflexible jobs, are you comfortable with:
- someone else (nanny / grandparent) - taking your kid to routine doctor and dental appts - we've let the nanny take the kids to get vaccines and teeth cleanings, but not dental exams or dr visits
- your kid not always having someone at every school performance - yeah that's fine. a play where you have two lines? Sorry!
- you kid having someone else help them get ready for school or eat dinner with them on a routine basis (not everyday night but not like once a month either) - our nanny does morning stuff like clothes, hair, lunch prep - I make breakfast smoothies though. So if the kids want that, I've made it, but if they want something else the nanny does it.

What are things you feel must be done by a parent (if anything in particular) versus a more flexible generally being there for them and spending enough time with them without rigid rules around what’s ok. Parent/teacher conferences, end of season recitals/plays, big games (like a championship - not the normal Saturday game). But the kids also know - we may get there late and stand in the back, we may leave early, etc. DH was once in the middle of a closing and was on the phone through an entire dance recital watching through a window so he didn't fully miss it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To explain a bit more - DHs job is inflexible (or at least he treats it that way and that’s not something I can change short term bc his standard is that all of this could be done by a nanny. His view is our most important thing is securing their financial future which is frustrating but he grew up in an unstable war zone where his family lost everything so there’s a lot going on there ).

So that means I need to cover all the things I put these rules on and I start doing the math and think ok at a minimum 10 doctor / dentist appts a year, and 6 school performances for my one kid in school, and being home by x time every night and never traveling so that the kids always wakes up to a parent (dh travels a lot) etc etc etc and basically box myself out of any interesting job because I’m telling myself I must do alllllll the things on the family front.

So for those that don’t feel that rigid rule, im curious what they prioritize. And for those that say all of this must be a parent, cool I’m that person currently too

I'm saying this kindly but your DH needs therapy both for validation that he is doing a good job doing better for his kids but also to realize that kids need parents to some extent and wives need their husbands help to some extent and everything about raising kids is not black and white. There is SUCH a wide happy world between two inflexible rigid jobs and one parent staying at home to accommodate their other parent's career.

[Anonymous]

Oh I wish I knew you IRL because SAME and we could totally spend a whole night chatting about this kinda thing over drinks.

Personally -
--I prioritize one of us taking kids to the doctor/dentist BUT this feels like something that could be outsourced if it works better for your family. Especially dentist, routine cleanings are very... routine. Annual doctor visit is something I'd try to have a parent attend, but if it's more than annual for some reason, sounds fine to have someone else do it.
--ABSOLUTELY do not let yourself get into having someone at every single school thing. You've got to prioritize here. I think what's hard is that when we were kids, this was like... 3 things a year. The annual play and two school concerts, the end. So it was easy for them to be must attends. Now it's like 98027349775 things, many of which are during work hours. No. Prioritize. 2-3 things per kid, outside of work hours, that are really important and both parents should attend (hint: if it's during standard work hours, it's optional for sure). 2-4 other evening things per kid, max, that one parent attends. Max one daytime activity per parent per kid per year. These are MAXIMUMS.
--I'd be fine with someone else doing the morning or evening routine. Maybe 2-4 times a week, total between the two? I'd prioritize being with my kids for dinner over getting ready in the morning.

I think where the flexibility comes in is thinking about the some total. If you rarely go to school events, someone else gets your kid dressed in the morning five days a week, someone else does school pickup and dinner and bedtime three days a week, a babysitter comes for a chunk of every Saturday, and you've never met your kid's dentist, that's a problem.

So try and move away from what's "OK" (based on what? DCUM? Please.) and towards - what you're doing now obviously isn't working. So, what's the lowest impact thing you're doing now that you could drop?

Other wider advice:
1) Lower your standards. Sheets can be washed less, house can be cleaned less, kids can do less extracurriculars, you can shower less, you can take fewer vacations. Less is more.
2) Your happiness and wellbeing is critically important, just because you, too are a human who matters, but also because if mom is miserable and in poor mental/physical health, that impacts the whole family. It's NOT selfish to focus on your needs, it's critical.
3) Both you and your spouse have inflexible jobs? Then you BOTH have to take on these burdens. Make sure you're both contributing equally. If you're not, that's the first thing I'd change. Yes, maybe having the nanny take the kid to his annual checkup is less than ideal, but you know what is ideal? Dad taking him. Just as ideal as mom.
4) Judge yourself on dad standards. Seriously. Would society call you a GREAT dad? Then you're killing it.
5) Make sure you've giving this same once over to your job. Yeah, if you're an ER doctor, your job is inflexible, no two ways about it. But lots of people are out there putting their grocery order in while listening in to calls. Be one of those people.
6) If it still isn't right, your or your husband might want to consider decreasing your hours or changing jobs. Not because you CAN'T make it work (as long as you're both working less than 45 hours or so, it's doable) but because you might not want to live like you're living. That's okay, too.
7) Get him the snip. Surprise change of life babies are a thing.

[Anonymous]

We have at least one parent at doctor appointments and school performances.

We absolutely outsource the morning routine. An au pair helps get our kids ready for school every day. We're home getting ourselves ready and the kids will come say hello and we'll talk as they get ready. But the au pair is the one running around digging the missing water bottle out of the back of the car, watching the clock to keep kids moving, finding missing shoes or socks, packing lunches, reminding kids to pack their homework, etc. It works for us. It also means I can duck out early for a work meeting if needed without disrupting their routine.