If you’re a two career fam

[Anonymous]

At our public ES there are only 2 things per year during the day where most parents come: open house/meet the teacher thing a few days before school begins and “portfolio day” at the end of the year where work from the year is shared with parents. There are 2 parties “fall” (Halloween) and “winter” (Christmas) that only a few volunteer parents attend - other parents send in snacks, plates, whatever. Conferences are once a year and have afternoon and evening slots.

There a couple evening things that are voluntary like Bingo night, book fair night, etc. but they are in the evening. So there are two times a year you need to show up at school during the day, that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one on your list I love outsourcing is school events. I go to 3-4 school events per year, the ones my student performs in after hard word. Every random event? That’s for retired grandparents and at-home parents. Truly the one time I went to a book fair it was just grandparents adorably reading and a subset of parents closely defined by attending such activities. Send the grandparents!

My kid just finished K. Throughout this past year she had 6 performances during the day (not first thing in the AM or right before dismissal, which is still middle or the day really). Add to that the Halloween parade and party, holiday party, 100 days of school party, valentines party, Mother’s Day event, field day, water play day, her birthday, “optional” sign up to come in and read to the class, and honestly probably another few random things I’m forgetting - that’s more than a dozen mid day activities that I feel guilty if I miss and my kid feels bad if I miss. It’s just untenable. I don’t go to everything because I can’t and my kid gets that, but it still sucks to have to explain that I can’t come on a random Friday at 11 am for a “unity parade” or volunteer at field day. But at her school (NW DC), most parents have flexible jobs and make it in for nearly all of these things. There’s a handful of us (healthcare workers, feds working at SCIFs, etc) who struggle.

As a parent who has kids who aren’t yet in school, please tell me which school this is so I can avoid it!! This sounds like such a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

DH or I do all doctor visits and at least one of us is always at school performances. None of our parents or other family are in the area, so we don't have additional help without paying for it or asking the grandparents to fly in.

I'm fine with someone else getting my kids ready for school or doing dinner and bedtime, but we can't afford a nanny to make that a thing on a regular basis. We pay for aftercare at school and bought a house close enough to both of our jobs that we can make morning dropoff doable with our work schedules.

[Anonymous]

No, I’m not ok with it. I think about quitting daily.

I work from home and I do take my kids to most of their doctors appointments and do many school pickups (I’m always transparent with my team about when I’m stepping away to do something like this.) But I’m obviously working most of the day and I feel guilty about it. If my company were to revoke my virtual designation I would probably take some time off from my career because I don’t want to see my kids less at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to sound counterintuitive, like how could you possibly have time, BUT… you actually need to balance four things… being good at your job, being a good mom, being a good partner, and being good to yourself.

The key to the lock is actually kind of simple, although difficult to implement: you have to take care of your first. If you’re physically and mentally healthy, the other three things actually become easier.

For me, this means - getting enough sleep, eating regular meals, eating real nutritious food, staying hydrated, and exercising every single day. If you can do this, you will truly be amazed at how much easier it seems to manage the others because your head is clear.

You just have a freaking easy or part time job. There is so little time in the day that exercising and obsessing about hydration is not on most working parents radars.

My husband and I both work full-time mostly from home and have 3 kids. We exercise daily (usually when the kids are still asleep) and we prepare our lunches for the work week on the weekend, and also split cooking meals from scratch. Being fit and healthy is crucial for us to have the energy and mental health to deal with our kids. Every parent who I know who is often overwhelmed on a regular basis does not workout regularly.

i

You sound dumb too

Not going to go into insults but I am very curious what your job is. DH and I both work from home with flexible work schedules but it’s incredibly demanding and we outsource a lot and still only have time to exercise maybe once a week.

Fed attorney. Hubby is product manager in tech. We work 40 hrs a week most of the time. Our schedules are flexible as well. We do not outsource anything. Which means our house is prob not as clean as I’d like but it’s not cluttered bc I’ve made sure everything has its place and kids have been taught to put stuff back where they belong (I can’t work surrounded by clutter).

Hubby and I have always exercised even before kids and we are terrible people without our exercise so we prioritize it and make sure the other person is able to fit it in.

I think even once a week is better than nothing so whatever you can fit in!

[Anonymous]

I know a few families who have an au pair for their elementary kids (one family has 3 kids, ranging from K to 5th). In that family, Dad travels a lot and mom wanted to be able to focus on work without always having to drop everything. I don’t know about doctor’s appointments and school performances (though I think I’ve seen at least one parent at all of them), but au pair is certainly part of the morning and evening routine, doing school pickup and drop off. One family I know the parents have normal 9ish-5ish jobs and the youngest is not in school so the au pair works roughly office hours. The families where all kids are in school happen to have 2 parents with more demanding time intensive or less flexible jobs and the au pair has dinner with the kids without parents some nights.

What I’m saying is that may be something to investigate.

[Anonymous]

We’re a two inflexible career family and we rely on grandparents to essentially take on the parent role when we are not able to. They help with all of the things you mentioned. This is the norm for us culturally and in my family. I was raised by grandparents for many years (without even seeing my parents) and now my parents help tremendously with our kids.

I’m mostly in charge of making sure the bigger picture makes sense for my boys. We spend as much time with them as we can, but there are busy months when they stay with grandparents for 3-4 nights of the week.

[Anonymous]

We are a two career family and
1) it is always a parent doing doctors appointments
2) 80% of the time one or both of us is at school performances
3) this doesn't come up for us too much but I don't think it's huge deal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one on your list I love outsourcing is school events. I go to 3-4 school events per year, the ones my student performs in after hard word. Every random event? That’s for retired grandparents and at-home parents. Truly the one time I went to a book fair it was just grandparents adorably reading and a subset of parents closely defined by attending such activities. Send the grandparents!

My kid just finished K. Throughout this past year she had 6 performances during the day (not first thing in the AM or right before dismissal, which is still middle or the day really). Add to that the Halloween parade and party, holiday party, 100 days of school party, valentines party, Mother’s Day event, field day, water play day, her birthday, “optional” sign up to come in and read to the class, and honestly probably another few random things I’m forgetting - that’s more than a dozen mid day activities that I feel guilty if I miss and my kid feels bad if I miss. It’s just untenable. I don’t go to everything because I can’t and my kid gets that, but it still sucks to have to explain that I can’t come on a random Friday at 11 am for a “unity parade” or volunteer at field day. But at her school (NW DC), most parents have flexible jobs and make it in for nearly all of these things. There’s a handful of us (healthcare workers, feds working at SCIFs, etc) who struggle.

As a parent who has kids who aren’t yet in school, please tell me which school this is so I can avoid it!! This sounds like such a nightmare.

Oh, dear friend, all the schools are like this.

[Anonymous]

I am not comfortable with any of the things you listed, but it's fine if you or other people are. DH and I scaled back our careers and also limited to one child, so that we could do the things we wanted to. Even so, we went to marriage counseling to sort out division of labor and expectations. I recommend it.

We are fortunate to have involved grandparents nearby and they can help if we get in a tight spot. They provided a ton of childcare when DC was small. However, when you're thinking about this remember that they will age and may be unable to help when your kid is, say, 10. So at some point you may need a new plan, and also tween/teen can be an awkward age to suddenly insert yourself into their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one on your list I love outsourcing is school events. I go to 3-4 school events per year, the ones my student performs in after hard word. Every random event? That’s for retired grandparents and at-home parents. Truly the one time I went to a book fair it was just grandparents adorably reading and a subset of parents closely defined by attending such activities. Send the grandparents!

My kid just finished K. Throughout this past year she had 6 performances during the day (not first thing in the AM or right before dismissal, which is still middle or the day really). Add to that the Halloween parade and party, holiday party, 100 days of school party, valentines party, Mother’s Day event, field day, water play day, her birthday, “optional” sign up to come in and read to the class, and honestly probably another few random things I’m forgetting - that’s more than a dozen mid day activities that I feel guilty if I miss and my kid feels bad if I miss. It’s just untenable. I don’t go to everything because I can’t and my kid gets that, but it still sucks to have to explain that I can’t come on a random Friday at 11 am for a “unity parade” or volunteer at field day. But at her school (NW DC), most parents have flexible jobs and make it in for nearly all of these things. There’s a handful of us (healthcare workers, feds working at SCIFs, etc) who struggle.

As a parent who has kids who aren’t yet in school, please tell me which school this is so I can avoid it!! This sounds like such a nightmare.

Oh, dear friend, all the schools are like this.

It sounds like it varies widely based on the replies here.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would not be comfortable with any of the things you listed. I’m in the process of making peace with the fact that I will have to make a lot of compromises and sacrifices career-wise in order to be the kind of mom that I want to be. But I think this is such a personal decision and you should think about what works for YOU, not a bunch of internet strangers.

[Anonymous]

DH's schedule used to be flexible, now it's not as much, but he does WFH. Mine in theory isn't, but I'm in a leadership position and just do what I need to do and no one says anything. I communicate extensively, which helps. Like yesterday I had to leave at 2 for something and told those working under me "I will be offline for the next 1-1.5 hours to get my child somewhere and then I will be back online until 6:30/7." And I am completely accessible. I just started doing it and it hasn't been a problem. I'm also somehow the only mom in my company. If you are currently out of the workforce, I'd just be completely upfront on the flexibility you need when seeking a new job, you might be surprised.

- I go to all dr appts. DH does not.
- I go to most, not all school events. DH comes to the bigger ones (like performances vs. class party).
- I would not be ok with someone other than DH being there for morning and evening routines. We aren't both there all the time, but one of us is. I miss mornings a lot because I work an early schedule to get off earlier.

The other thing I've found I'm pretty inflexible on is getting our DD to/from activities. I've not outsourced that yet and have had a hard time letting that go. She's in a intense activity where she's there 4-5x a week. I would really miss our car talks. Also, I often stay at her activity and work so we can be together during her breaks and eat dinner together. If I do leave, I come back for her breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one on your list I love outsourcing is school events. I go to 3-4 school events per year, the ones my student performs in after hard word. Every random event? That’s for retired grandparents and at-home parents. Truly the one time I went to a book fair it was just grandparents adorably reading and a subset of parents closely defined by attending such activities. Send the grandparents!

My kid just finished K. Throughout this past year she had 6 performances during the day (not first thing in the AM or right before dismissal, which is still middle or the day really). Add to that the Halloween parade and party, holiday party, 100 days of school party, valentines party, Mother’s Day event, field day, water play day, her birthday, “optional” sign up to come in and read to the class, and honestly probably another few random things I’m forgetting - that’s more than a dozen mid day activities that I feel guilty if I miss and my kid feels bad if I miss. It’s just untenable. I don’t go to everything because I can’t and my kid gets that, but it still sucks to have to explain that I can’t come on a random Friday at 11 am for a “unity parade” or volunteer at field day. But at her school (NW DC), most parents have flexible jobs and make it in for nearly all of these things. There’s a handful of us (healthcare workers, feds working at SCIFs, etc) who struggle.

As a parent who has kids who aren’t yet in school, please tell me which school this is so I can avoid it!! This sounds like such a nightmare.

Oh, dear friend, all the schools are like this.

Nope. I posted a few posts above. Our ES is not like this at all. 2 daytime events all year that most parents come to. TWO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one on your list I love outsourcing is school events. I go to 3-4 school events per year, the ones my student performs in after hard word. Every random event? That’s for retired grandparents and at-home parents. Truly the one time I went to a book fair it was just grandparents adorably reading and a subset of parents closely defined by attending such activities. Send the grandparents!

My kid just finished K. Throughout this past year she had 6 performances during the day (not first thing in the AM or right before dismissal, which is still middle or the day really). Add to that the Halloween parade and party, holiday party, 100 days of school party, valentines party, Mother’s Day event, field day, water play day, her birthday, “optional” sign up to come in and read to the class, and honestly probably another few random things I’m forgetting - that’s more than a dozen mid day activities that I feel guilty if I miss and my kid feels bad if I miss. It’s just untenable. I don’t go to everything because I can’t and my kid gets that, but it still sucks to have to explain that I can’t come on a random Friday at 11 am for a “unity parade” or volunteer at field day. But at her school (NW DC), most parents have flexible jobs and make it in for nearly all of these things. There’s a handful of us (healthcare workers, feds working at SCIFs, etc) who struggle.

As a parent who has kids who aren’t yet in school, please tell me which school this is so I can avoid it!! This sounds like such a nightmare.

Oh, dear friend, all the schools are like this.

Nope. I posted a few posts above. Our ES is not like this at all. 2 daytime events all year that most parents come to. TWO.

Here it is:

At our public ES there are only 2 things per year during the day where most parents come: open house/meet the teacher thing a few days before school begins and “portfolio day” at the end of the year where work from the year is shared with parents. There are 2 parties “fall” (Halloween) and “winter” (Christmas) that only a few volunteer parents attend - other parents send in snacks, plates, whatever. Conferences are once a year and have afternoon and evening slots.

There a couple evening things that are voluntary like Bingo night, book fair night, etc. but they are in the evening. So there are two times a year you need to show up at school during the day, that’s it.