Affiar - was it worth it??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the wives out there - I am a married man with children. Basically happy with my wife, but I have a powerful sex drive and am a lot more adventurous than my spouse. I think it's a bore to masturbate all the time and have dabbled with a couple of women. Am I proud - no. But sex is important and I don;t want to leave my wife. I follow strict rules to prevent emotional entanglements, but I need an outlet.

Bullshit! Unless your wife's sexual habits have changed since you met her and you have tried to address this with her then you are just coming up with another lame excuse. If there was a sex act that you enjoyed while single do not marry someone who is unwilling to do it, and then complain and cheat after the fact. If there is anything that I hate more than men who cheat are the ones who blame everyone but themselves. Grow a pair and be a man!!

A different DH here:

Have my wife's sexual habits have changed since you met her? Drastically! For the first years of our marriage we had sex frequently, now we're down to twice per month if I'm lucky.
Do I love her? Yes. Would I divorce her over lack of sex? NO WAY!
I masturbate 5 times a week, and over the past decade I've gone to hookers exactly 3 times, when I just could not bear it any more.
Now which do you think is the more just result - that my wife and I divorce because of my 3 transgression? Or that, were she to find out, she should forgive my 3 transgressions?

If she enjoyed sex before she should enjoy it now. You need to romance her and she should divorce your sorry ass for even seeing 1 hooker. Hookers and those who act like unpaid hookers are gross. Danger. AIDS rate among hookers is what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:03:45 you need to not be so quick to call people names and be a little more sensitive to what is going on. Just because someone is involved with a married man doesn't mean she is a "slut" We have no idea of the details, so back off. Be very careful of what you ar so critical of and never say never - you never know what circumstance you may be in. Believe me, I said I would NEVER have an affair and did and I am not a slut, whore, etc.
The problem with this website is there are a bunch of judgemental, critical, no life, bored women on here who take thier frustrations I(sexual and and mental) out on other people.

I didn't read through the whole thread, and I'm not going to. But I have to comment on this. Some people have enough integrity to be able to say that they will NEVER have an affair, no matter how bad their marriage is, no matter what "circumstance" they are in. Blaming your affair on circumstance is a cop-out. Own your immoral, hurtful, disgusting behavior. Am I judgmental and critical? When it comes to people who choose to hurt others, yes I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the wives out there - I am a married man with children. Basically happy with my wife, but I have a powerful sex drive and am a lot more adventurous than my spouse. I think it's a bore to masturbate all the time and have dabbled with a couple of women. Am I proud - no. But sex is important and I don;t want to leave my wife. I follow strict rules to prevent emotional entanglements, but I need an outlet.

Bullshit! Unless your wife's sexual habits have changed since you met her and you have tried to address this with her then you are just coming up with another lame excuse. If there was a sex act that you enjoyed while single do not marry someone who is unwilling to do it, and then complain and cheat after the fact. If there is anything that I hate more than men who cheat are the ones who blame everyone but themselves. Grow a pair and be a man!!

A different DH here:

Have my wife's sexual habits have changed since you met her? Drastically! For the first years of our marriage we had sex frequently, now we're down to twice per month if I'm lucky.
Do I love her? Yes. Would I divorce her over lack of sex? NO WAY!
I masturbate 5 times a week, and over the past decade I've gone to hookers exactly 3 times, when I just could not bear it any more.
Now which do you think is the more just result - that my wife and I divorce because of my 3 transgression? Or that, were she to find out, she should forgive my 3 transgressions?

I hope you're comfortable with the idea of being divorced (and also hope you don't have kids who would bear the impact of it). My husband had "reasons" for getting sex outside the marriage w/o my knowledge. He used hookers. I'm sure he thought that I would never in a million years find out. But, I did, totally by accident. When I confronted him, he begged me not to toss him out. I'm sure he thought when he was using the hookers that I would "forgive" his trangressions, but he was wrong. Using hookers exposed me to STDs and was a complete betrayal of our marriage "contract." The fact that he would seek to solve whatever issues he had (or he thought I had) without directly seeking to resolve them with me was a big red flag for me. Why would I want to be in a marriage with someone who was essentially conducting our marriage on his own terms and exposing me to real physical danger w/o my knowledge or consent? I didn't. I divorced him. He sees his kids half as much as he used. He also gets way less sex than he did when we were together, even considering that he is probably using hookers more often.

You are living in a delusion. Solve your problems with your wife or get out of your marriage respectfully.

[Anonymous]

I hope you're comfortable with the idea of being divorced (and also hope you don't have kids who would bear the impact of it). My husband had "reasons" for getting sex outside the marriage w/o my knowledge. He used hookers. I'm sure he thought that I would never in a million years find out. But, I did, totally by accident. When I confronted him, he begged me not to toss him out. I'm sure he thought when he was using the hookers that I would "forgive" his trangressions, but he was wrong. Using hookers exposed me to STDs and was a complete betrayal of our marriage "contract." The fact that he would seek to solve whatever issues he had (or he thought I had) without directly seeking to resolve them with me was a big red flag for me. Why would I want to be in a marriage with someone who was essentially conducting our marriage on his own terms and exposing me to real physical danger w/o my knowledge or consent? I didn't. I divorced him. He sees his kids half as much as he used. He also gets way less sex than he did when we were together, even considering that he is probably using hookers more often.

You are living in a delusion. Solve your problems with your wife or get out of your marriage respectfully.

How do you know he gets "way less sex?"

Whatever he has, I guess at least he has his freedom to do whatever he wants now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I hope you're comfortable with the idea of being divorced (and also hope you don't have kids who would bear the impact of it). My husband had "reasons" for getting sex outside the marriage w/o my knowledge. He used hookers. I'm sure he thought that I would never in a million years find out. But, I did, totally by accident. When I confronted him, he begged me not to toss him out. I'm sure he thought when he was using the hookers that I would "forgive" his trangressions, but he was wrong. Using hookers exposed me to STDs and was a complete betrayal of our marriage "contract." The fact that he would seek to solve whatever issues he had (or he thought I had) without directly seeking to resolve them with me was a big red flag for me. Why would I want to be in a marriage with someone who was essentially conducting our marriage on his own terms and exposing me to real physical danger w/o my knowledge or consent? I didn't. I divorced him. He sees his kids half as much as he used. He also gets way less sex than he did when we were together, even considering that he is probably using hookers more often.

You are living in a delusion. Solve your problems with your wife or get out of your marriage respectfully.

How do you know he gets "way less sex?"

Whatever he has, I guess at least he has his freedom to do whatever he wants now.

seems to be a really silly reason to divorce someone. You have to use condoms with prostitutes.
It is win-win. He gets a release and there is no emotional attachment. look at it as physical therapy.

[aprilmayjune]

I can't believe this post... this is CRAZY... I am seeing a LOT of excuses... Immoral behavior is immoral behavior, whether you make excuses for it or not. Once you find out that a man is married, that's when it should all end. Right there right then. No excuses.. It doesn't matter what the reasons are, I have read NOTHING on here that makes sleeping with a married man the right thing to do. It saddens me that you are all parents with children who are seeing your actions. As parents we are supposed to be teaching our children right from wrong. How the hell are we supposed to do that when we are doing wrong ourselves? Do as I say not as I do??

Also, if you're a married woman, your main concern should be your family. There is no reason to add another man to that equation...

I just really have a hard time understanding the thought process behind being unfaithful or the other woman.

Morals and ethics have just completely gone out the window.

*ETA*
BTW.. I am a little vocal, I am a christian so I guess you could say I'm religious. But I am VERY happy in my marriage and we are both faithful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Sex with married men is amazing. They are like caged animals unleashed for a brief respite."

Yup.

Yeah, but having to listen to them drone on afterwards about how bad their marriages are, how good the sex was with me, or how guilty they feel -- usually all of the above -- can be so annoying. They are truly pathetic creatures.

What a slut. How many married men have you been with? I hope you have had a gardasil shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a parent. Try to conduct your life with integrity and dignity. You are an example to your child.

Not trying to be holier than thou, but I agree with this OP... Sorry! There's so many single guys out there, find a single FWB fuck buddy. Please respect other peoples marriages. I'm saying this as a single gal with an unmarried fuck buddy 10 years my junior- highly recommend it!

[Anonymous]

Well live and learn I suppose... Although I feel sorry for the wife, not for you. You at least had the luxury of the choice of the pain you self
Inflicted. I wonder what names she will be calling you.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - it's officially over. And was it worth it, the short time it lasted ? NOPE!

It was a very emotional whirlwind, with lots of high hopes and nothing but disappointment and sadness. I know that for those of you who think that women who have affairs with married men are nothing but home-wrecking sluts many of us aren't - we are women with feelings just like you who happen to get caught up in a very slippery slope. In my case, it was with someone who I had a past with and have always had feelings for and just hoped that this time it would work. I did not pursue him, it was the other way around and I was flattered, excited and hopeful. I know what I did was wrong, but for me I had to take the chance to see and in the end, I am sad, emoitinally exhausted, confused and disappointed. It was probably one of the hardest things I have been involved in becuase I was emotionally involved as well as physically. I still have feelings for him and know that I can not see him again - I don't think that we can be "just friends" and me be okay with that. Which makes me more sad than than not having sex with him. We have been friends for a very long time, more friends than lovers and I will miss him as a friend. But for now - that is not possible.

My advice to those of you thinking about having an affair or in an affair - be prepared for an emotionally journey of all kinds of feelings: regret, insecurity, jealously, heartache, excitement, sleepless nights, good sex, laughs, tears, confusion, etc. As somoene who has personally experienced being a participant in an affair I just don't see how any good comes from it unless you can keep it just as sex and nothing more. Do not get emotionally involved with him becuase you will be heartbroken.

I read an article online about why men cheat and never leave their wives and it was the one article that really made sense to me. It said that an affair to a man is much like a vacation. When we go on vacation, we are excited to get away from the everyday issues and relax - leave it all behind. We have a great week, are happy with no problems. By the end of the week of vacation we head home and while we had a great time we are glad to be back in the comforts of our own home and regular schudule. Well that is how an affiar is to a man - great sex, away from all the every day crap and wife who may "nag" him, 100 % into you becuase he is "on vacation" but he will never stay on vacation - he will go home to comfort and what he knows. He has the best of both worlds - vacation and home on a regular basis.

Everyday for me is a different emotion, some days I feel really strong and glad that it is over, some days I am so sad I cry several times a day. I do wonder what he is doing and if he thinks of me, but I am slowly stopping those thoughts and feel more strong than weak.

I want to thank all of you who shared their experiences and did not judge - it was helpful I have wonderful friends (some married and they did not judge) who have been so supportive and helpful during this but I think it also helped to vent as a strangers to strangers.

PS please forgive any typos!

[Anonymous]

I'm kind of surprised at how many women have posted on this thread about having an affair and feel little or no remorse about it. I too had an affair, early on in my marriage and I can honestly say that it is the most shameful thing that I have ever done in my life. The worst part about having an affair isn't having people call you "whores," or the other man not leaving his wife, or even being found out by your husband- it's having to live everyday knowing that you were solely and completely responsible for causing someone that you promised to love and honor some of the deepest pain anyone can experience. There's no amount of forgiveness that my husband could ever give me that would make that feeling go away, because it's not about him- it's about me having failed myself, and my values.

I get that for some of you it sounds like you didn't really love your husbands, or wanted out of your marriage, but there are ways of dealing with those feelings that don't involve causing other people unnecessary pain. I'm sorry but, "getting your mojo back" is a fairly weak excuse for the very real emotional damage that an affair causes to a marriage. I say this not from a place of judgement, because I'm no better or worse than any of you, but from the place of someone who has to look my husband in the eyes everyday knowing that he can never see me the same way. Our marriage will never be what it was before the affair, maybe it will be better, or worse- but regardless my actions fundamentally and unilaterally changed our relationship. And that is what makes an affair so cruel and selfish. It's a very cowardly way of getting your needs met.

FWIW my husband and I have a very "sex-positive" marriage, we're open about our fantasies, desires, and even lusting after others and the idea of an "open marriage". We talk about porn and masturbation and all of those things. But even if we didn't it would be my responsibility to make that happen, or end the relationship because it wasn't meeting my needs. Those are the choices you have. Relationships are about two people not one- try thinking beyond yourselves for a moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm kind of surprised at how many women have posted on this thread about having an affair and feel little or no remorse about it. I too had an affair, early on in my marriage and I can honestly say that it is the most shameful thing that I have ever done in my life. The worst part about having an affair isn't having people call you "whores," or the other man not leaving his wife, or even being found out by your husband- it's having to live everyday knowing that you were solely and completely responsible for causing someone that you promised to love and honor some of the deepest pain anyone can experience. There's no amount of forgiveness that my husband could ever give me that would make that feeling go away, because it's not about him- it's about me having failed myself, and my values.

I get that for some of you it sounds like you didn't really love your husbands, or wanted out of your marriage, but there are ways of dealing with those feelings that don't involve causing other people unnecessary pain. I'm sorry but, "getting your mojo back" is a fairly weak excuse for the very real emotional damage that an affair causes to a marriage. I say this not from a place of judgement, because I'm no better or worse than any of you, but from the place of someone who has to look my husband in the eyes everyday knowing that he can never see me the same way. Our marriage will never be what it was before the affair, maybe it will be better, or worse- but regardless my actions fundamentally and unilaterally changed our relationship. And that is what makes an affair so cruel and selfish. It's a very cowardly way of getting your needs met.

FWIW my husband and I have a very "sex-positive" marriage, we're open about our fantasies, desires, and even lusting after others and the idea of an "open marriage". We talk about porn and masturbation and all of those things. But even if we didn't it would be my responsibility to make that happen, or end the relationship because it wasn't meeting my needs. Those are the choices you have. Relationships are about two people not one- try thinking beyond yourselves for a moment.

Thank you for this post. It shows great compassion and wisdom. I wish you and your husband peace and healing.

[Anonymous]

I'm astonished but I guess I really shouldn't be, by all of the morally bankrupt people on this thread that are not thinking of their children. To think that some of these idiots will argue the importance of private schools and not letting your kids watch tv, while they are providing such poor examples of trust, integrity, etc. You are not just betraying your spouse, you are betraying your children. Get your head out of the sand, or better yet out from your asses! Is this the kind of adult you want your child to grow into? Do you have any idea how crushed your children would be and why should your spouses carry the burden to protect them from this? Why do you have to leave such a path of destruction for your loved ones to clean up rather than just get divorced. Selfish!

[Anonymous]

Yes, yes, yes ... yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. Yes and yes. Yes, yeah, yes. Yah, yeas, uhun.

Simply, purely, unadulterated yes.

You get the James Joyce reference, yes?

[Anonymous]

When I noticed that you'd misspelled affair and wrote "affiar," it reminded me of the word "liar." And that's what people who have affairs (if they're secret) are--liars and cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm astonished but I guess I really shouldn't be, by all of the morally bankrupt people on this thread that are not thinking of their children. To think that some of these idiots will argue the importance of private schools and not letting your kids watch tv, while they are providing such poor examples of trust, integrity, etc. You are not just betraying your spouse, you are betraying your children. Get your head out of the sand, or better yet out from your asses! Is this the kind of adult you want your child to grow into? Do you have any idea how crushed your children would be and why should your spouses carry the burden to protect them from this? Why do you have to leave such a path of destruction for your loved ones to clean up rather than just get divorced. Selfish!

You nailed it with the words selfish and morally bankrupt, but they don't care because they're more interested in themselves than anyone else. Then they rationalize their bad behavior.