Affiar - was it worth it??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:single moms need to realize that they are not the most important group of women in the world, and do the thing they should be doing RAISING THEIR KIDS, not looking for the next married penis to screw. They are single for a reason, and they owe it to their kids to be there for them. Sorry

What, exactly, is that supposed to mean?

OP here, "they are single for a reason" - well my reason is I'm a widow, my husband died in a car accident, so I hope you are happy. You may call me and others what you want - that is your choice; however, you really need to not be so assuming, critical, and caddy. Oh and as far as having big boobs and rocking body - I beleive that is what you said. I have neither - I am average, healthy build so again your stereo typical views are way off. I may have my faults but you have some serious anger issues that need to be dealt with. And if you act like this around your husband, you will be on the other side of this situation - being cheated on and I can see why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


Even if the marriage is in shambles, that does not mean that it will lead to divorce. People stay together for lots of strange reasons and the world is filled with mistresses who spend their lives on a married man and have nothing to show for it. OP, just be honest with yourself about what you expect out of this relationship and the limitation that is marriage places on those expectations.

Exactly! A friend used to be "the other woman". She spent three years of her life on a dude who claimed she was his 'true soulmate', that his wife was a total bitch and that he was actually talking to lawyers about a divorce. Guess what - his wife, apparently, had no idea he planned to divorce her, learned about the affair by going through his email, called my friend up and called her names.. the whole thing got totally ugly.. and then the dude decided to stay married and take his wife to Europe for a vacation and now the family is pretending that nothing has ever happened. Go figure.

So I'd caution you, OP, about your situation. Do you really want to spend your time on someone who is not truly available, regardless of what he's been telling you?

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering why everyone who is condemning OP and others who have had affairs assuming that we actually want the guy involved to leave his wife to be with us forever and ever? Only a sucker would believe that. I never had those expectations of the guy I was with... he was a good fuck to me, we had good conversations about everything under the sun, and we had some laughs over drinks. But as far as him leaving her for him to "wife" me as a PP stated, I didn't want that. I wanted the fun side of him. The beleaguered wife can have the damaged rest of him.

[Anonymous]

sorry... should be assume... I know I'm gonna get slammed... don't want to get slammed over a typo too...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering why everyone who is condemning OP and others who have had affairs assuming that we actually want the guy involved to leave his wife to be with us forever and ever? Only a sucker would believe that. I never had those expectations of the guy I was with... he was a good fuck to me, we had good conversations about everything under the sun, and we had some laughs over drinks. But as far as him leaving her for him to "wife" me as a PP stated, I didn't want that. I wanted the fun side of him. The beleaguered wife can have the damaged rest of him.

How selfish ... you take the fun part and leave the dregs for the wife. Maybe she wouldn't be so beleaguered if she had a whole relationship with him. And the only reason is because it makes you feel good? You are shallow and selfish. It can't be that hard to find a fuck elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

I am just now reading this thread and find it very interesting. I have, too, have been in an affair. For those of you who are so quick to judge those of us who have been involved with a married man or cheated on our spouses be very, very carfeful. You would be very surprised as to who the other women are - we are your neighbors, your fellow church members (yes even Christans cheat), soccer mom's, your kid's coaches, clergymen, teachers, doctors, community leaders, sisters, best friends, etc - you get the point. We aren't on the corner wearing short-shorts with fish net stockings, huge boobs and botoxed lips out looking for a married man. In fact, many of us have sworn that we would NEVER get involved with a married man and we end up eating those words for whatever reason. For those of you who have not been in our shoes, I understand how it is very easy to judge and name call; however, what you don't know is how hard it is once you start down the slippery slope. Especially in the case of OP and another PP, where the married man was a former boyfriend, lover, etc. I have been in those shoes and tried my hardest to fight it - it was one rough fight and I didn't do it over night. It is emotionally and physically exhausting and it either works out for the best or the majority of the time it doesn't work at all. For those of you who have no experience in this - save the name calling for something you know what your are talking about.

To OP - you will do what is best for you, you will figure it out. It may hurt, you may have a lot of sleepless nights and many tears BUT you will make it through, just listen to your gut. And make sure you have a good support group that you can trust.

[Anonymous]

Re 22:23... so true. I am not OP but the other PP who has known the guy half my life. It was extremely difficult for me to just walk away due to our shared past. When I read a PP reference "huge boobs and rockin' bods" (or something like that) I had to laugh. I am quite ordinary looking (although I admit I have large cans).

I think he came back to me b/c when we were with each other originally he had a simpler life with fewer responsibilities. He wanted to get some of that back... yes, it was immature of him. I do know for a fact that he and his wife's sex life had died and in his eyes most of their emotional intimacy too. As I stated in an earlier post it is over now... and he is still a friend, and if their marriage ends, I was not the cause of its demise.

It sounds trite but men are different than us... don't lose the sexual side of your marriage! They truly will look elsewhere to get it, and as you can see, they can usually find it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re 22:23... so true. I am not OP but the other PP who has known the guy half my life. It was extremely difficult for me to just walk away due to our shared past. When I read a PP reference "huge boobs and rockin' bods" (or something like that) I had to laugh. I am quite ordinary looking (although I admit I have large cans).

I think he came back to me b/c when we were with each other originally he had a simpler life with fewer responsibilities. He wanted to get some of that back... yes, it was immature of him. I do know for a fact that he and his wife's sex life had died and in his eyes most of their emotional intimacy too. As I stated in an earlier post it is over now... and he is still a friend, and if their marriage ends, I was not the cause of its demise.

It sounds trite but men are different than us... don't lose the sexual side of your marriage! They truly will look elsewhere to get it, and as you can see, they can usually find it.

22:35 - I'm the OP. If I end it, I do not want to give up our friendship and would like to see him ocassionally as a friend - not often but maybe once or twice a year. Have you found that it is hard for you to do that, see him and not want to start the affair over again? I am at the point where I think it is truly best for me to get out now but I'm not willing to give up our friendship, becuase like your situation, we have been friends for a long time. I would be more heartbroken to give up him as a friend than a lover. But, I am fearful that seeing him would bring other emotions to the table for me. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re 22:23... so true. I am not OP but the other PP who has known the guy half my life. It was extremely difficult for me to just walk away due to our shared past. When I read a PP reference "huge boobs and rockin' bods" (or something like that) I had to laugh. I am quite ordinary looking (although I admit I have large cans).

I think he came back to me b/c when we were with each other originally he had a simpler life with fewer responsibilities. He wanted to get some of that back... yes, it was immature of him. I do know for a fact that he and his wife's sex life had died and in his eyes most of their emotional intimacy too. As I stated in an earlier post it is over now... and he is still a friend, and if their marriage ends, I was not the cause of its demise.

It sounds trite but men are different than us... don't lose the sexual side of your marriage! They truly will look elsewhere to get it, and as you can see, they can usually find it.

22:35 - I'm the OP. If I end it, I do not want to give up our friendship and would like to see him ocassionally as a friend - not often but maybe once or twice a year. Have you found that it is hard for you to do that, see him and not want to start the affair over again? I am at the point where I think it is truly best for me to get out now but I'm not willing to give up our friendship, becuase like your situation, we have been friends for a long time. I would be more heartbroken to give up him as a friend than a lover. But, I am fearful that seeing him would bring other emotions to the table for me. Any advice?

22:35 here... It's extremely difficult for me to just be his friend. It always was, even through the course of our friendship. I've known him since 1989! It always went back to the physical. He wanted more from me than just friendship when we were in our early 20s... but I was in grad school and he was still an undergrad and I didn't take him seriously. I only wanted a friends with benefits arrangement, but I often wonder if I had reciprocated emotionally would we have ended up together? He only knew his wife for 8 months before they eloped (he and I had slept together 6 weeks before they eloped; I was totally shocked about their elopement) and now they are on the rocks.

The only way we can be together and me not want to touch him is to be out together with other people. We have a lot of shared friends so it's not hard to have this happen. She (his wife) never comes out (which frankly I'm glad about). If we are alone together... to be perfectly honest... we end up kissing in the car before he drops me off... but I never have him come up to my apt... at least I've been strong about that. And to other readers, no, I don't expect him to leave his wife for me nor has he told me he would... but he has told me his marriage is in a shambles, and it was that way before he and I became involved again.

So long story short, OP... no real advice... other than not to be alone together...

I empathize with you, it's hard... and it doesn't help to be castigated and called horrible names...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:single moms need to realize that they are not the most important group of women in the world, and do the thing they should be doing RAISING THEIR KIDS, not looking for the next married penis to screw. They are single for a reason, and they owe it to their kids to be there for them. Sorry

What, exactly, is that supposed to mean?

OP here, "they are single for a reason" - well my reason is I'm a widow, my husband died in a car accident, so I hope you are happy. You may call me and others what you want - that is your choice; however, you really need to not be so assuming, critical, and caddy. Oh and as far as having big boobs and rocking body - I beleive that is what you said. I have neither - I am average, healthy build so again your stereo typical views are way off. I may have my faults but you have some serious anger issues that need to be dealt with. And if you act like this around your husband, you will be on the other side of this situation - being cheated on and I can see why.

the statement was about divorced moms who cheated on their husbands, not widows who had no choice in the matter. Sorry if it was'nt worded well, I am suffering the effects of a "single mom's" need for a man, (my husband) and will soon find myself in the ranks of a single mom. But, my home wrecker "single mom" cheated on her husband and then when he dumped her, so she went after mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re 22:23... so true. I am not OP but the other PP who has known the guy half my life. It was extremely difficult for me to just walk away due to our shared past. When I read a PP reference "huge boobs and rockin' bods" (or something like that) I had to laugh. I am quite ordinary looking (although I admit I have large cans).

I think he came back to me b/c when we were with each other originally he had a simpler life with fewer responsibilities. He wanted to get some of that back... yes, it was immature of him. I do know for a fact that he and his wife's sex life had died and in his eyes most of their emotional intimacy too. As I stated in an earlier post it is over now... and he is still a friend, and if their marriage ends, I was not the cause of its demise.

It sounds trite but men are different than us... don't lose the sexual side of your marriage! They truly will look elsewhere to get it, and as you can see, they can usually find it.

22:35 - I'm the OP. If I end it, I do not want to give up our friendship and would like to see him ocassionally as a friend - not often but maybe once or twice a year. Have you found that it is hard for you to do that, see him and not want to start the affair over again? I am at the point where I think it is truly best for me to get out now but I'm not willing to give up our friendship, becuase like your situation, we have been friends for a long time. I would be more heartbroken to give up him as a friend than a lover. But, I am fearful that seeing him would bring other emotions to the table for me. Any advice?

So the history is muddled and this wasn't friends only but a "do I want him? NO" situation where he went and found some one else....high school never ends.



22:35 here... It's extremely difficult for me to just be his friend. It always was, even through the course of our friendship. I've known him since 1989! It always went back to the physical. He wanted more from me than just friendship when we were in our early 20s... but I was in grad school and he was still an undergrad and I didn't take him seriously. I only wanted a friends with benefits arrangement, but I often wonder if I had reciprocated emotionally would we have ended up together? He only knew his wife for 8 months before they eloped (he and I had slept together 6 weeks before they eloped; I was totally shocked about their elopement) and now they are on the rocks.

The only way we can be together and me not want to touch him is to be out together with other people. We have a lot of shared friends so it's not hard to have this happen. She (his wife) never comes out (which frankly I'm glad about). If we are alone together... to be perfectly honest... we end up kissing in the car before he drops me off... but I never have him come up to my apt... at least I've been strong about that. And to other readers, no, I don't expect him to leave his wife for me nor has he told me he would... but he has told me his marriage is in a shambles, and it was that way before he and I became involved again.

So long story short, OP... no real advice... other than not to be alone together...

I empathize with you, it's hard... and it doesn't help to be castigated and called horrible names...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

the statement was about divorced moms who cheated on their husbands, not widows who had no choice in the matter. Sorry if it was'nt worded well, I am suffering the effects of a "single mom's" need for a man, (my husband) and will soon find myself in the ranks of a single mom. But, my home wrecker "single mom" cheated on her husband and then when he dumped her, so she went after mine.

This PP needs to start her own thread to work out her issues with being cheated on. She is clearly projecting her situation onto everything she reads in this thread, and it's not the case. I've been on both sides of the coin with affairs. I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that people CAN change (once a cheater, always a cheater is not accurate) and that it's almost NEVER black and white. I blame my husband over the OW 100% for his affair because HE had the commitment to me; the OW didn't make a vow to me, he did. HE made the choice to cross that line, and though I would probably hate the OW anyway, I would not absolve my husband of that responsibility for his choices, no matter how hard she pursued him. HE crossed the line - - one night, HE decided to go ahead. Him.

PP needs to get a grip on her anger and focus it on her ex-H, even though she has a right to hate the OW forever and a day. The decision was made by her ex-H and the broken vow was between her and her ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re 22:23... so true. I am not OP but the other PP who has known the guy half my life. It was extremely difficult for me to just walk away due to our shared past. When I read a PP reference "huge boobs and rockin' bods" (or something like that) I had to laugh. I am quite ordinary looking (although I admit I have large cans).

I think he came back to me b/c when we were with each other originally he had a simpler life with fewer responsibilities. He wanted to get some of that back... yes, it was immature of him. I do know for a fact that he and his wife's sex life had died and in his eyes most of their emotional intimacy too. As I stated in an earlier post it is over now... and he is still a friend, and if their marriage ends, I was not the cause of its demise.

It sounds trite but men are different than us... don't lose the sexual side of your marriage! They truly will look elsewhere to get it, and as you can see, they can usually find it.

22:35 - I'm the OP. If I end it, I do not want to give up our friendship and would like to see him ocassionally as a friend - not often but maybe once or twice a year. Have you found that it is hard for you to do that, see him and not want to start the affair over again? I am at the point where I think it is truly best for me to get out now but I'm not willing to give up our friendship, becuase like your situation, we have been friends for a long time. I would be more heartbroken to give up him as a friend than a lover. But, I am fearful that seeing him would bring other emotions to the table for me. Any advice?

22:35 here... It's extremely difficult for me to just be his friend. It always was, even through the course of our friendship. I've known him since 1989! It always went back to the physical. He wanted more from me than just friendship when we were in our early 20s... but I was in grad school and he was still an undergrad and I didn't take him seriously. I only wanted a friends with benefits arrangement, but I often wonder if I had reciprocated emotionally would we have ended up together? He only knew his wife for 8 months before they eloped (he and I had slept together 6 weeks before they eloped; I was totally shocked about their elopement) and now they are on the rocks.

The only way we can be together and me not want to touch him is to be out together with other people. We have a lot of shared friends so it's not hard to have this happen. She (his wife) never comes out (which frankly I'm glad about). If we are alone together... to be perfectly honest... we end up kissing in the car before he drops me off... but I never have him come up to my apt... at least I've been strong about that. And to other readers, no, I don't expect him to leave his wife for me nor has he told me he would... but he has told me his marriage is in a shambles, and it was that way before he and I became involved again.

So long story short, OP... no real advice... other than not to be alone together...

I empathize with you, it's hard... and it doesn't help to be castigated and called horrible names...

Wow - our stories are way too similiar. I have no idea what I am going to do but I can tell you it is an emotionally rollcoaster with every kind of emotion you could possibly feel: anger, sadness, guilt, excitement, etc. UGH - what a mess! Thanks for your advice and for sharing your story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:single moms need to realize that they are not the most important group of women in the world, and do the thing they should be doing RAISING THEIR KIDS, not looking for the next married penis to screw. They are single for a reason, and they owe it to their kids to be there for them. Sorry

What, exactly, is that supposed to mean?

OP here, "they are single for a reason" - well my reason is I'm a widow, my husband died in a car accident, so I hope you are happy. You may call me and others what you want - that is your choice; however, you really need to not be so assuming, critical, and caddy. Oh and as far as having big boobs and rocking body - I beleive that is what you said. I have neither - I am average, healthy build so again your stereo typical views are way off. I may have my faults but you have some serious anger issues that need to be dealt with. And if you act like this around your husband, you will be on the other side of this situation - being cheated on and I can see why.

Well, as for "single for a reason," I'm single because my husband cheated on me, turned out to have a mental illness (manic depression), refused to consistently see a psychiatrist and take medication, and began to drink in secret and still pain pills I had for back pain. IMO, I didn't have a "choice" either.

Please get off your "single for a reason" high horse. You can't judge by looking why a single mom is single. There are only a couple of close friends and family members to whom I have told my whole horrifying story, no one else would guess that my husband turned out to be such a nightmare as he can hold it together for a couple of hours and keeps his most damaging behavior for his own time.

[Anonymous]

Never had an affair whilt married - "cheated" all the time while I was dating never once I got engaged. I think about it alot and at this point its not for me but I guess what I don't understand about the whole thing is why get involved with someone else who is in a relationship? I think if I were to get involved with someone I would want them to not be married. I would assume they had other relationships but to know that they had a wife and perhaps children, serious turn off.